Why do men not want to go on dates anymore?

I have a couple girl friends who, when they're single, always have at least a couple dates a month. For some reason, all of the guys who have been interested in me have never asked me on a date, it has always been something like "lets chill at my place". As an adult, I feel like I've moved past that age, and I want to be taken on an actual date to get to know the person. So what is it that makes a guy actually want to take a girl on a date?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Because a lot of guys can't be bothered anymore. I always try to find free alternatives if I can when I date or something low cost because the women out there treat males like they are disposable and it's not a good feeling. Women keep wanting to date at expensive restaurants and such. Problem is the women have no intention on it being serious from the get go. Gold diggers, while they seem rare, are very real.

    Taking a girl out in this economy right now is honestly a luxury that is being taken for granted by women and with this "age of equality" being expected to what girls call "being a man" is being translated to other men as "serve my every need and I will think about going out with you... if I feel like it." A lot of guys who have given up on dating are turning to hook ups because it is much less stress free. The girls who hook up are hated by other girls because now guys "can get the milk for free without buying the cow." I don't blame any guy for taking this route at all having gone through the disappointments in dating that I have gone through.

    The other guys are just being more cautious. How would you feel if you planned out an extravagant date where you went to a park, dinner, and all sorts of stuff just to have a girl tell you you're not compatible and you later found out she had no intention on being serious with you from the start? Now while girls will tell guys that they should not give up hope and he should keep trying, guys are now saying, "Why am I trying at something that girls don't have to try at at all?" Why should we stick to girls who are "trained to wait for the right one?" all the time when we could find a girl who is capable of taking initiative and actually able to make a man feel appreciated the way he makes her feel that way?

    Girls complain guys only want to "use them for sex" while guys complain that girls "use them for everything else." So if you want to date, you gotta let the guy know. Plus you gotta be able to not let him feel like he is gonna get used. Guys are very cautious about dating now. So going dutch is something that girls should also accept as an alternative too. I've met up with plenty of girls who have offered half or offered to buy me a cup of coffee without me even asking. So maturity among females still does exist.

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    • Thank you for the answer! I definitely see where you are coming from, but even as you said, a free or cheap date would be nice, I'm not expecting anything elaborate. And while it would feel nice having the guy pay, splitting the bill isn't something I'm against either. I just hate how people have put all these "rules" around dating, it takes away from the face that dates are just to get to know another person.

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    • Hit the nail firmly on the head

What Guys Said 19

  • Right, read the following, come to terms with it and understand it:

    Basic guy language translation (my opinion, others might feel differently):

    Guy type A

    "lets just chill at my place" = lets just cuddle and watch TV while I try to make out with you. Hopefully you are a bit slutty so I can get sex from you easily. I am not really considering anything long term with you but I do enjoy your company, so hopefully we can be fwb...etc etc

    Guy type B

    "I would love to take you out somewhere sometime and get to know you" = I am genuinely interested in getting to know your personality more and I hope we can start a long term relationship together. I really respect you as a person and I want you to give me the opportunity to treat you the way I feel you deserve to be treated... etc etc

    Basically, guys tend to only take girls on a 'date' if they really care about them and are interest in them long term (marriage, kids). Otherwise you can assume he is only in it for the short term (sex, fwb). This is especially true with guys of a younger age (teens, early 20s).

    For me personally I can say the main reason for the above differences is MONEY. I mean, why would I waste my cash, time and effort planning a thoughtful date with a girl who I have no intentions of being long term with. By 'thoughtful date' I don't just mean places like coffee shops or the cinema, I mean things such as taking her for long country walks to my special places or going somewhere I think is romantic and memorable as opposed to things like the cinema, which are the sorts of places guy type A might take you just to stop you complaining 'you never take me out anywhere'.

    BUT ALSO you have to be careful, because guys who are 'players' or have loads of cash may take EVERY GIRL they meet on guy type B dates just because they can easily afford it, fooling you into thinking he has feelings with you then dumping you as soon as you sleep with him. I have seen this happen so many times which leads to the girl breaking her heart over him.

    Hope I explained everything clearly

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  • You just said it. You've moved past the age of student things, and want a man, not a boy.

    So you already have your answer : maturity.

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  • Because we don't have to. lawlz

    We can sleep with you without having to spend time/money/investment, so why should we?

    If we're good enough, we can land you as a girlfriend with giving very little, so why should we?

    Girls like guys that are "hard to get", so it's a win-win.

    Maybe you should consider buying your guys chocolate, roses, candle lit dinners and what have you.

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    • Dada dada da I'm lovin' it

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    • I caught myself snorting at this, especially your last comment, and then I remembered this is what we do expect the guys to do. It's ridiculous, isn't it. I think both people should try and invest in the relationship (not only money but, you know, effort), but it doesn't really work out if one side is extremely, let's phrase it nicely, 'desperate' and the other side does not believe that women are actual people with a brain.

    • Good observation, Mariella. I'm glad you took it the way I intended. Don't be afraid to question yourself and to question the "norm."

  • Lets chill at my place = looking for fwb.

    To a large extent guys who date, date and guys who prefer to hookup just hookup. Some fits slot girls into 'date' or 'hookup' categories but a lot are really only looking for one or the other.

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  • I think that going on a date is a bit old fashion, other than going for food many other ideas aren't that good... Especially going to see a film. I don't think there's anything specific you can do to get a guy who will actually ask to go somewhere.

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  • it's not an age you move past, it's nothing more then a preference and it sounds like you may only want it because your friends do. If it was about getting to know the guy chilling out and talking is a great way to do exactly that. If you REALLY want to go on a date then take a guy out on a date or is it that you want someone to spend money on you?

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  • umm because guys who take girls on dates get side-lined while these girls are sleeping with dudes who are saying "lets chill at my place"

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  • I think it would be the thrill and the excitement The new experiences to get to bond with the person in a good romantic and exiting environment

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  • You are a liar. No matter how many women I ask I cannot get a date. It is women who do not want to date.

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  • Dates are supposed to be fun, women take that out.

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  • i am really picky due to beliefs so I will not ask a girl out often.

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  • Because I don't get many opportunities to meet women because I have a small social circle

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  • *taken from and article I read*

    "I just figured if you are a man and genuinely interested in a woman, why would you be opposed to taking her out and showing her a decent time?

    I can explain the rationale behind many men opting out of "taking a woman out and showing her a good time". Its quite simple actually: Those men have realized it is not their responsibility to TAKE a woman out and show her a good time.

    In the perfect world, a date signifies a MUTUAL interest in getting to know one another. Its not simply a man being interested in learning about a fresh faced woman who has piqued his interest. Her acceptance of the date is an indication of her shared and piqued interest as well...ideally.

    Unfortunately, many a men have learned the hard way that this is not always the case, as there are women who have/will disingenuously accept date invitations with absolutely no interest in the man, but rather an interest in the entertainment (i.e. dinner, theatre, show, etc) he will be providing...on his dime.

    So, unfortunately for many men, there is an inability to gauge whether or not the person who has accepted the date invitation is genuinely interested in exploring the possibility of a connection. Additionally, even if there is sincerity behind the acceptance, there is no guarantee the two will hit it off, which amounts to both time and money being wasted. If the gent is an active dater, then you can see how such endeavours can get quite expensive with zero promises of success.

    That said, if there is a mutual interest in learning about one another, then it only makes sense that both parties should be showing each other a good time.

    "If something comes from that then great, and if not, at least she knows that you’re a good guy and know how to show a lady a good time."

    . As sweet as that sounds, this is not an incentive for most men (the mamas boys maybe). There is no satisfaction attained from, "Well...at least she knows I'm a good guy and know how to show a lady a good time". Um, no. That is not a consolation prize. That is a gag gift behind door #3. Such an acknowledgement is of no benefit to a man seeking fireworks...unless he himself became disinterested in the woman while on the date.

    Anyway, dating is dead because...well...there is really no need any more. Marriages are dying and so are committed relationships. But sex is free and thriving. You to do the match.

    It may not right, but that's just the way it is in these times. So if you want dating to become fashionable and meaningful again, then casual sex has to be curbed. Until then, "Let's hang out".

    Mr.Sobo

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    • Actually OP I encourage you to read this article,especially the comments with an open mind link

  • Here is an idea I've been thinking about recently regarding this issue.Most guys will get away with whatever they can get away with . A guy can be with a woman for years because she doesn't demand marriage. A girl will continue accepting hangouts because she won't demand a date. There are many girls who are accepting these situations and making it harder for other women to keep their high standards.It is a known idea that girls find less guys appealing than guys find girls appealing and some of those guys who are appealing have been using this for years(i.e. players). It seems that girls standards have increased even more now and the pool of appealing guys has shrunk . Now girls are compromising on their standards just to have a chance with the guy. from a woman's perspective it would seem like a few women are ruining it for others.

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  • You can tell by all the girls answers that they want the guy to do everything so they don't have too.

    Ask the guy for a date

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  • I don't blame them, I mean put yourself in some guys shoes, I don't care how many girls or women on here say they've asked a guy out? Because the majority of those that said they do/did are lying.

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  • I'm one of these guys. This is actually the progressive direction things are going. Supposedly in Scandinavia, dates are basically a thing of the past, especially the expectation that a man must initiate, pay, and court her in the "wining and dining" sense.

    I go on dates so long as I know there aren't any special expectations of me to be a "real man". Otherwise, the whole thing feels like an interrogation and a test. I don't get to know her, because I'm too concerned with being "man enough" for her, or not offending her by expecting to pay for what she bought.

    If we can't hang out as normal, civilized human beings and take gender out of the equation, then I'm not too interested. I don't need someone abandoning me because I payed for her meal but didn't call her 7.546 hours after. Or I asked her out, but didn't give her flowers when she arrived.

    My idea of a date is us going for coffee with no expectations on who does what, then walking around talking about life and philosophy. If that isn't good enough for you, good news...you're going to be phased out in the next few decades.

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    • This is spot on!

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    • Here's one more for you.

    • I think what he's trying to say is you're just liking unemployed and cheap men. Maybe go for someone who has money?

  • i don't know if this applies to you but some girl you can't take out in public...

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  • I think guys are much pickier about the kinds of girls they take out on dates these days. Dating costs a lot of money, and guys know that society is still not at the stage where guys can expect girls to pay their own half.

    You just have to show that you have a good personality. If you're the kind of girl that a guy can really enjoy spending time with, then guess what, guys are going to want to spend time with you.

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What Girls Said 7

  • This is more advice for both girls and guys and not a direct answer to your question. I'm not saying guys should spend their money on girls they barely know. I don't think it's the best idea to go out for dinner on your first date actually, I mean, many people don't look that good when they eat anyway :) If a guy is interested in you and not only the fact that you are a woman he can have sex with, as in, is convinced you do have a brain and are worth talking to, he could do lots of things with you (besides 'chill at his place'...) that don't cost anything or not more than, say, five dollars. As other people suggested: Go for a walk, get a coffee, cook something together at his/your place (if you already know each other a little bit ;)), go to any kind of cultural event (museum - it's really not that expensive, art gallery if you're into that) etc. It's not like you have to spend fifty dollars to find out you don't actually like this girl/guy. Do something you enjoy and then, even if it turns out you two don't click, you haven't wasted your time eating at an Indian restaurant even though you hate Indian food - get it?

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  • definitely hold out for a real date

    he has to show some effort, not just ask you to come to him, too easy

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    • "he has to show some effort, not just ask you to come to him, too easy"

      Well, then men should hold women to that same standard, no? To demand a man ask you out and take YOU on a date, isn't that "too easy" by your own rule?

  • I honestly think it's because so many women present themselves as not being worth a guy actually picking her up, taking her on a date, and treating her to a good time. : ( As sad as it is, it's true. Not only that, but females make it way too easy being so willing to put out or be FWB that it's kinda like "what's the point? She's willing to get me whatever I want anyway."

    You have to present yourself like "Hey, I am worth you taking your time and money to actually go on a date with me."

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    • And if you chip in your part on money, he'd be more willing to share his time.

    • OpenClose, funny you say that, my current boyfriend...when we first went on dates, I would offer to pay for stuff and now he's willing to spoil me all the time

  • Because those guys you are liking are broke losers and they don't have enough money to pay for a date (just look at guy's answers) Those broke losers are useless and shouldn't be even worth your time. Go find yourself a real man who will spoil you with gifts or at least pay your rent.

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  • The 'men' who do this are not men but boys.

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  • They're flat broke.

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  • It is a cultural shift in societal norms.

    Due to the new-idea that women are sexually free, men no longer feel they need to put time and effort into securing a date with her. The new terminology, "Let's chill" implies that this in not a date. He does not wish to get to know you as a fellow person. He is only interested in sex with you or some other form of intimacy. It also does not include the assumption that this "chilling" will be followed with any more "chilling" as it is not a date but an attempt at hooking up.

    Asking for a date is an old fashioned term that some sociologists suspect will be out of practice in the upcoming years. This term implies that the man is genuinely interested in you and that the furthest he wishes to go with you on said "first" date is a kiss. He is willing to sacrifice $20-$40 for you so you can enjoy yourself and see him as a potential mate. Men who choose this route are more likely to secure a genuine girl who respects and appreciates them but are admittedly less likely, or on a slower path, to secure sexual gratification for their efforts.

    Since it's well known that all men like sex, most are shifting to the hook up mentality as opposed to taking the long road by taking them out on dates.

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