Why doesn't she want to be intimate?

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. We started off having a really intense highly passionate sex life to now I am lucky if I get it once a month. I love her dearly she's my everything. I've stood by her through some tough spots in her life and never thought of leaving.

She is clinically depressed and suffers from anxiety disorder. She's been taking meds on and off since we started dating. She is currently in a cycle of depression. We've had sex 2-3 times in the last month and a half. I have a high sex drive and would like it on a daily basis if possible. However, given that we live over an hour away from one another, and she's in school while I am working late hours at my practice its hard to meet up. However, when I talk about wanting her she tells me she isn't in the mood or whatever.

I want to help her and be her rock but I also have needs. I've never been a man to cheat but this lack of physical connection is driving me insane. Thanks for your help


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm guessing it's the meds, if she's on SSRI's (the most common meds). They can kill sex drive. She should talk to her doc about making some adjustments. Also, she needs to try to fit some exercise in her schedule because it can help jumpstart the sex drive. Also, to masturbate a lot and not try to "save up" your sexual tension for when you see her. That makes a guy ancy and he starts putting pressure on without meaning to. Physical affection without the expectation of sex can help build up sexual tension in a female. For us, it's not just that we don't want the sex, but if we have sex when we aren't into it, it can often be painful and unenjoyable at all. So that starts a vicious cycle of not wanting it because you remember how it hurt the last time and try to avoid that feeling.

    Until she gets her meds sorted out, something like, cuddling a bunch through the day and being affectionate. Then cuddling and touching each other sexually. You can even get naked and touch each other and try masturbating next to her or something. (She may not be into that...I don't know her likes, but a lot of women including myself are aroused by seeing my partner's erect penis ... so that may help her feel some arousal without feeling pressured to have to have intercourse). I do know that when I tried an SSRI, it was very hard to become aroused the same way as when I wasn't on them ... not just mentally, but physically. And not just with a partner, but through masturbation. Which makes me think that it's not just a lack of interest thing when you're on the meds, but that the chemical changes influence how you react to sexual stimulus.

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    • That should mean that you should masturbate a lot. When I first started SSRI's, I had trouble climaxing from masturbation (what I was referring to earlier), so prompting her to try it if it's not working may make her more depressed/frustrated.

What Girls Said 6

  • It's the meds. SSRI's (and MAOI's too) absolutely kill your sex drive. They can also make you anorgasmic so she's probably not even enjoying the sex as much as she'd like to.

    This is something that she needs to talk to her doctor about. Perhaps there are other things she can try to curb the anxiety (like cognitive behavioral therapy) or other antidepressants she can try that won't have such drastic side effects.

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  • Well since you're already in it, and I think that perhaps seeking a new solution might the answer here. IF these meds are not helping her get rid of the depression, etc, and they are killing her sex drive, she NEEDS to set up an appt with her doctor and tell them.

    She can have it adjusted or they can do something to help her deal with this side effect. IF she doesn't cooperate and want to go with you, well, there are other fish in the sea!

    Best of luck and keep me posted :)

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  • Have you told her that?

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  • You've already answered your question in the post. She's in depression and on meds.

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  • Please share with her your concerns

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  • With a lot of women, sex starts in the mind. It's hard, I've been in her spot - less the meds - and my ex in yours. We didn't even have sex after we got married for 9 months but then, he never made me feel beautiful or look at me like I was number one so that was why I didn't want him to touch me. Now I'm not with him and with another, I want it too much my boyfriend says lol. You sound like a great guy, she just needs a lot of love & support!

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What Guys Said 6

  • First off, try to stay away from an impulsive nature by talking with your penis as opposed to your brain. Don't cheat on someone you love.

    Second, talk to her. Have a discussion in how your sexual nature is not being attended to and let her know that it is driving you nuts. And also tell her that the lack of intimacy is causing issues between you. Sex isn't the be end of end of in a relationship, but it is bothering you and you should let her know that you may resort to other means, outside of her, to fulfil that interest.

    However, the most important thing here is that she is on medication. Most medications that deal with depression boost excessive amounts of serotonin, in which, cause troubles in stimulating the sex drive. This is more then likely a side effect. You should try researching her medication and understand more of what she is going through, and, request to attend some of her sessions and discuss this issue that the medication is causing.

    Communication is important here. Understanding what she is experiencing is just as important as well.

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  • Try simple things like take her to get a massage or pedicure for no reason. Stuff to make her heart know you care. Then you'll probably have her rape you...stick by her.

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  • Basically, there is nothing you can do, it's all in her hands, so except being frustrated, you won't get much out of it... And this can go on for long.

    It's pretty sad, but apart from wishing her good luck, and finding someone else, I don't know what you could do.

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  • I'm sorry to say this, but there's only one situation I've ever seen where a girl lost her sex drive and stopped sexual activities with her man. She was taking medication that severely took a toll on her sex drive.

    Now, the other times. More than I can count, it's because she was getting her sexual release from another man. I hope that isn't the case, but look for the signs.

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  • Sounds like you got a dud, it happens, might be time to exchange for a model that functions properly. You can't fix her you can only exchange her or live with the bs.

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  • You know why.

    The question is, do you see any change coming? If not, are you willing to be semi-celibate forever to be her boyfriend, or would you rather be a friend and live your own life with someone who wants you the way you want to be wanted/

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