Are women the selectors in the dating world and men have to wait to be selected by a woman?

If men have to wait to be selected by a woman, does that mean he has to rely on a woman to notice and flirt with him first, that way he can say to himself "he's no longer single" cause he has somebody that actually likes him?

Knowing that if he made the first move by seeing a woman he likes, he'll get rejected.

I'm not saying women should date every single guy to makes the first move but it seems unfair that a great guy would get turn down because, women had a bad relationship with an ex, so the great guy has to suffer for that.

It seems even more pathetic when after a confess his feelings to a female friend of his, after she kindly told him "lets just stay friends", but later own in life, after she change her mind about her (knowing she finally starts liking him more than just a friend) after she apologize to him for breaking his heart, he'll give her a second chance and still want to date her... A girl will never want to still date a guy (who kindly rejected her at first) after he change his mind about her, and that's not right.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • No. Because as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I'll never understand why so many people on here, especially the guys, base their confidence on what other people, most of whom they don't even really know, think of them. Men with real confidence approach women to whom they are attracted regardless of whether the woman has given them any signs, and they immediately begin to actively attract her. If they get rejected, they brush it off because they know their worth and also know that, one rejection doesn't mean it's over, so they alter their approach and realize that it's just going to take a little longer this time than it normally does; or that, more often than not, I'll meet another girl that very night who will make me forget about the first girl who rejected me.

    You're also taking all this stuff far too serious and far too personally, and it's making you bitter. The actions of another, including their rejecting you, almost always has nothing to do with the other person (you). It has to do with something about the other person (her)—something in her past or current situation, or her personal preferences. In other words, there are so many things that can lead to a rejection—most of which have nothing to do with you—that you shouldn't take rejections so personal. Also most rejections aren't permanent (unless you make it that way by acting like a child after it), and even if it is, believe it or not, if the girl really likes you as a friend, she will hook you up.

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    • i want to be like this all the time but, its hard to actually do it.. mentally I get it

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    • Right which is the majority of how interactions work through real world or online...

      "A year and half later (give or take), I saw her eyeing me, but trying to avoid my gaze. I approached her, and it went well; she was just nervous. I asked for her number and got it.

      Lucky you that waiting a year and a half paid off. This I am assuming is a girl who you "knew" because they odds of her being a complete stranger and then seeing her again 18 months later makes me take a dim view if she was.

    • I didn't wait for her. I'm not advocating waiting on anyone. If you do that, you'll spend a lot of time alone. I had just stopped seeing a girl not long before running into her again. Obviously, she liked me and remembered me. It turned out that she did have a boyfriend when I'd asked her before. Are you saying that you've never talked to, or caught a glimpse of, someone on campus, in a bar, at a mall, etc. and ran into them or seen them after that? If you so, you got to get out more.

What Girls Said 2

  • Yep. Get over it.

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    • Spoiled f***ing rotten.

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    • Actually in a way women are. But yeah we can just alienate each other and go nowhere. And here you are again so much for those better things huh? Insensitivity to what others say...that is one thing makes women enemies in the eyes of men...that's OK. I will find another to pay for your crime

    • Well I have to say Hanzo won this argument. The girl who gave her hostile answer wants to make it seem like women are more of the superior gender.

  • I think many guys makes the first move. The guys that wait for girls to make the first move are usually shy and don't talk to them first. Its not that the guy has to take which girls comes to him it is that he doest put himself out there.

    And I never thought of the last paragraph you wrote. Is it really true that a guy would take the girl back if she initially asked to be just friends? :O Ur right on how a girl won't take him back but I didn't know guys would accept her again? :O

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    • Yes he is right about that part. Men put themselves out their all the time, trying to qualify themselves foolishly and women always enjoy the rejecting and ego boost it gives them when they do it. That is why women don't approach, they realize that if that happened to them it would be the be all end all, that's why you never see them go out there the way men do.

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    • Don't listen to that MTV nonsense. It's just a reference to the actual dynamic of women putting men in the friend zone and them "majestically" overcoming it. Like every things on T.V shows like that it doesn't happen in the real world.

    • Hanzo, how do you know that, MTV's Friendzone is not real reality? When I watch it seems real to me.

What Guys Said 10

  • You need some serious real world help because your whole view of male and female roles and interactions in this dating world is so far off target, it's hard to address your questions with just an online comment.

    Essentially, you need to forget everything you think you know about men and women and start over. Realize that the two genders are fundamentally different in very very deep and significant ways, and every detail in behavior you see is the manifestation of some very deep motivators, agendas and drivers and centuries of social evolution.

    I wish I could help you more. Good luck.

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  • I'm not sure I understand everything you wrote, but to answer your main question, yes, I think it's quite obvious that women are the selectors... at least in Western society. That's not to say it's entirely their fault; for whatever reason, men decide to pursue women, so why should women do anything other than sit and wait? I'm sure I don't have to tell you that if a guy decides to sit around and wait for a woman, he's going to be single forever. But every woman knows that she's going to be approached by many men, so all she has to do is wait, dismissing the ones she doesn't like until she finds someone that does it for her.

    I have no idea how this system came about, but that's just the way it is, and there's really no reason to meditate on the fairness of it all. Of course, you could always refuse to play the game... just as long as you're willing to be single.

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  • I've gotten rejected A LOT. I've also gotten tons of girls. When people see your not afraid to be yourself they respect it and women are attracted to it.

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  • Even player supreme says so, I believe for the most part women do the choosing

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  • Men pick women choose.

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  • Guys get rejected while women sit and do nothing and accept the very few of the hundreds that approach her

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    • Are you serious? No woman gets approached by hundreds of men. Where are you getting these numbers?

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    • I'm not talking about online. Of course guys have more balls to approach online their behind a computer screen. I'm talking about real life.

    • I was using it as an example to represent the dynamic since you refuse to believe that this fact of the anon's is ridiculous.

      No woman gets approached by hundreds of men. Where are you getting these numbers?

      Proven wrong it happens.

  • I'm pretty sure that changes around your age, if the guy keeps himself in shape and has achieved a little career success.

    Why not try hitting on younger women? More like middle 20's?

    And yeah, I've had that experience--getting flak because the girl was screwed up by an ex. It's part of life. Take comfort in knowing that it's the screwed up girl who is the messed up one, not you, and they'll carry that for a long time. Meanwhile, you can still be happy and have a life.

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  • You're close, but not quite on.

    Men are not passively waiting for women to choose him, males must show what they have to offer and hope to be selected by the female based on that. This isn't just in humans, but in most animal species this mating ritual happens.

    Why do you think males are more aggressive in regards to finding a mate than females are?

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    • Exactly, also in animals when do you ever see a female anything make a move on a male. Every organisms pretty much has to fight or contest for their approval that if women ever had to take on this role we would all be wiped out becuase the rejection would be too much.

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    • I don't owe you a response mystery person...and what would you think I would say...well whichever it was you would just see the worst of anyway. I bring up a point that has merit and then you call my character in question. I am trying to be civil here.

    • I'm just asking a simple question that only needs a simple answer. With your long, drawn out responses and responses on other questions, it seems like you are already aware that you whine about this stuff and play the poor pitiful victim...you just don't like it when people point it out to you.

  • The selectors are almost always:

    - attractive women

    - men who:

    a) are attractive

    b) have money or the promise of future money

    c) have the James Dean / a**hole thing that many women find irresistible

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  • A woman can't choose a man that hasn't chosen her, himself and expect things to work out. And just because a man is with a woman, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's actually chosen her.

    That's what it should mean, don't get me wrong, but with our hook-up culture and varying intentions across the board in today's world, casual dating and how common that is, it doesn't always work like that. So if a woman really wants a relationship to work, she must choose from the men that have first, chosen her, and in a way, that makes men the selectors. ;)

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    • It really just comes down to both men and women and what they're looking for in life and in a partner. It has to line up.

    • But what you are missing is that women have the final and most important say.

      I could say to a woman...I think you will make a great wife and mother to my children and want to spend the rest of my life with you BUT if SHE says NO then it isn't going to happen. ANything else after that is harassment. WOMEN never approach and put themselves in that position. A woman for example buying a ring and proposing to a man is preposterous.

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