We met at a Halloween party. She's a good friend of my older brother. At the party we had a lot of good banter back and forth. Sexual and regular. We had a good time, made out, etc. She was texting me that night and sparingly into the week.
The next week she texted me because she was tired of waiting for me to text her first. We set up something for Friday to see a movie. Wednesday she told me to come into the bar she works at because it wasn't busy. I hung out, went back to her house, made out for a long while and I could tell she was really into me.
About her: She's been f***ed over a lot from guys, been cheated on, and straight up told me she likes banter and if anyone is too nice to her she loses interest. This is fine because I like it too and I can be an a**hole (funny a**hole, bantering not actually treating her like sh*t).
Friday comes up and we change the date to drinks at a local bar. She's a few minutes late which is fine. And we get to that banter. But she does it ALL the time. I just want to get to know her but we have to be a**holes back and forth. At one point we're with a group of people and she's like "He's my best friend's little brother". She jokes about how young I am to her (I'm 23 she's 26). But in front of other people, that got me pissed.
So I kind of went into autopilot mode and became a little cold and distant. I told one of the guys I wanted to leave soon. She said, sounding surprised, "Did you really say you wanted to leave?". So eventually we left and we just hugged and went on our way.
1) Did I blow it by becoming cold and distant? I just didn't like the banter ALL the time and felt a little disrespected. That's why I cut it short.
2) We HUGGED to leave. Where last time she wouldn't let me go. Maybe she felt it was awkward?
Overall my brother told me her being an a**hole is a defense mechanism. Should I even text her again?
Most Helpful Guy
You're right about Banter... it's not REAL conversation. It's meant to just be fun. And the real problem is that some people get stuck in banter mode (waitresses, bartenders, dudes who hang in bars too much) and they can't figure out how to escape the banter into real life.
In your situation the banter makes sense... you're in a bar. And meeting friends while on a date will NEVER open he up into conversation that's going to help you bond or connect.
If you want to have deeper conversations you're going to have to spend more alone time together, and without the make outs. Like home made pizza and a movie at your place. With wine.
And so.. in this scenario I suspect that the problem wasn't her, it was with you.
You're in a public place f***ing around with each other and she didn't realize that you were trying to connect... and connecting requires us to be open and therefore more vulnerable. More honest.
So when she chose to tease you in front of friends she didn't realize that you weren't ready for it. Like a punch to gut when someone's not looking.
But the reality is that it's not really her fault. You guys were sparing back and forth and you weren't paying attention and she sucker punched you. That's on you. She was teasing you because that's what girls do.
You took it seriously. That's on you.
Teasing is a guy's form of affection, and sometimes it's a woman's form of affection too.
It's easy to take things personally when we are trying to be open with people we really like. But that doesn't mean you're RIGHT.
Basically don't take anything personally, ever.
Nothing she ever does and says has anything to do with you... it always has everything to do with her.
She's most likely into you too but she's nervous about it. And it's easier for her to spar with you via banter than it is to be open and vulnerable.
To help her get there you have to SHOW her that you can be open and vulnerable and that no matter what she says or teases it won't hurt you because you KNOW everything she says is just a test from an insecure girl who's trying her best.
Face her challenges with love in your heart and you won't take her banter personally. Instead you might find the perspective needed to enjoy her challenges and teasing.
Hope this helps?