Guys: if you're hooking up with a girl that you get along with, why not date her?

if there's a girl that you're clearly attracted to and hooking up with for a while that you like as a person and connect well with, why not date her? is there such thing as it truly being circumstantial? I've just heard guys say things like "i can't have a serious relationship right now because of work and school and I can't let anything distract me, etc." is that legit or is that bs? honestly

Updates:
So basically feel like I just want consistency. If it as just good sex and no drama I would be fine but he over analyzes like a girl and can't make up his mind. I can see that we are at a point where either we try dating or we stop altogether
felt the need to explain. It's been almost two yrs. it's been on and off and just when I think we've got the hang of the casual part, he freaks out and says he's afraid of getting too close and "isnt looking for a relationship because of school." So I resign and give him space but then he gets jealous of other dudes and comes back and wants to talk it out and swears this time he won't freak out. It's always really intense and emotionally charged. I just don't understand his issues

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You are looking at this from a female perspective, where relationships are the priority, and not from the male perspective, where sex is the priority.

    Relationships are a lower priority for men than sex, and this is never truer than when a guy is around college age, because at that age, he has the most freedom and the least responsibility he's ever likely to have, and he KNOWS IT, and intends to take full advantage of it, because he knows it won't last.

    And right now, he's getting the sex he wants without the expectations and limitations that come with a relationship, so what is his motivation to change that arrangement?

    His excuse is both true and BS. It's true in that relationships ARE a distraction, because in a relationship, your expectations of his time and attention would be much higher, so he'd have to sacrifice more to keep you happy. It's BS because if he WANTED a relationship, he would likely be able to make it work by being open and honest with you and setting expectations of his own (that he has to have time to study and work, etc.). You have to be honest, though: if he is going to college AND working, he won't have a ton of time for a relationship, and at some point, you'd want to feel like you were his "#1 priority", and right now, school (and work to stay in school) have to be his #1 priority.

    The other thing is: in general, if a girl sleeps with a guy outside of a relationship, the guy will no longer respect the girl as "relationship material", because even if he likes her as a friend, and enjoys having sex with her, he will assume she's done this with other guys before, and will do it with other guys after, and so he won't feel he can trust her to be faithful in a relationship. Yes, there are occasionally exceptions to this rule, but overall, the rule is the truth.

    This is why I tell girls all the time: if you want casual sex, that's just fine; you're an adult and you are perfectly allowed to make that decision. But, if you EVER think you might want a relationship with a particular guy, you must NEVER have sex with him UNTIL you get the relationship. If you have sex first, the relationship will almost never come.

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What Guys Said 28

  • Probably because she thinks you two are dating.

    Unless you guys have verbally established that neither of you are interested in a relationship, she has no way of reading your mind. How the hell is she supposed to know that you think it's a FWB? The most probable thing that's going through her mind is that you two are dating, and she's waiting for you to ask her to be your girlfriend.

    Most girls do not want a FWB relationship, especially at your age. They are probably thinking it will take a number of years dating before any solid relationship or marriage comes out of it. Often, a girl will like a guy. A guy is not interested in her, and they end up establishing a FWB. The girl might go along with it at first to lure you in, and the guy assumes all she wants is sex. But no, she's using sex to trick you into considering a long-term relationship. That's how girl brains work.

    Guy brains are pretty easy to read. Penis --> Vagina = Happy + zzz...

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  • A lot of younger guys just don't care to invest the effort in a relationship.

    Hopping in the sack every few nights with a girl, or different girls, can be liberating for a young guy. When guys are 18-25, most of us are looking to score any girl. I find that many guys won't really consider a relationship "serious" until they hit around 25. Once that happens, they start to think about a long-term relationship and the need to spend a few years dating the same person before deciding if that girl is the one.

    There's also the other possibility that I've come across. I've hooked up with a few friends that I thought were hot. But aside from that, I could tell that our personalities would not work out in the long run. She might have some personality trait that I just can't stand (short tempered, immature, constantly moody, materialistic...etc). But seeing as we're both single, why not spend every few days rubbing our genitals together until someone permanent comes along.

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  • 1. Genuine commitment problem - a psychological thing

    2. When one is getting everything he wants w/o commitment why should he commit.

    The above are my logical observations and reasoning, not what I practice lol :D

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  • Guys don't attach meaning to the girl they are hooking up with, its casual sex. Making love is special and f***ing is sexual- so why date her if we are getting what we want? We want nothing more or less than sex for a hook up, its free, its satisfying, and its dramafree. If we date our hook up than everything flips upside down and we don't like that. Now someone that is worth dating is a women we never tried and has the perfect personality/qualities we are looking for.

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    • well I've just hooked up before and usually thertes no cuddling or any emotions but with this guy, he like kisses my nose and forehead and cuddles and makes the foreplay last for hours and says he doesn't care if it stops there. we talk for hours...but is that normal for just a hook up? I don't know

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    • no tongue kissing? what? yeah there's definitely lots of that and hand holding...

    • best wishes to ya relationship lol

  • BS.

    Thing is for me when I hook up, my physical standards don't go as high as compared to when I want to date. I'm one of those guys who doesn't consider my standards to be that high as it is. But I don't date girls who I am not 100% satisfied with the appearance of.

    Oh and some girls I have hooked up with have backgrounds that make them undatable to me.

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  • It's BS.

    Possible reasons:

    - he doesn't want to be monogamous

    - he thinks he can do better

    - he isn't interested in emotional intimacy so considers relationships 'work'

    - he prefers dating prudes he think won't cheat but hooks up with wilder girls.

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  • If a guy is hooking up with a girl and he connects with her and has fun hanging out and doing non hookup things with a girl yes it is possible that he has reasons to not want to date her. Dating and hooking up while also hanging out are different, especially to guys who really don't want the label of being a boyfriend. It implies a commitment and that can be pressure to some guys, also some guys like having the option and the freedom to stop the hookup and not have it be a "break up." There are a lot of reasons why a guy or even a girl wouldn't want to date someone that are hooking up with and enjoy the company of, that is just one or two.

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  • I have a girl friend like that lol we are good friends hangout with my buddies and go to the bars sometimes we hook up with each other sometimes others XP

    I like it this way better leaves me open to be with others and I don't have to take her on dates and all I think dating is overrated at our age

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  • The times I didn't date her after hooking up was because our aims (long term or short term) were clearly different.

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  • When I've had casual 'friends with benefits" it was because I just wasn't ready to settle down yet. I was enjoying my freedom, to do what I wanted when I wanted with whoever I wanted. Quite a few of them I also just knew that even though they were cool and the sex was good, we wouldn't work in a serious relationship. I have had a relationship come from hooking up though.

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  • Because sometimes guys are just looking for someone to hook up with without all the bells and whistles and stress and all that comes with dating. It's not necessarily wrong to do so, but only if both parties understand and are OK with what's going on. It sounds like he just wants to be fab.

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    • well I think it started out that way but its been going on for about a year and things have gotten pretty intense and I don't understand why he doesn't just try it out. he gets jealous of other dudes, we hang out and talk for hours, he's tried saying he wants to be just friends so that he can keep me in his life but then that never ends up happening. we've fought, he always apologizes/cares when he hurts me or when I'm mad. he's even admitted himself that we're intense on multiple levels

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    • Well there you go, good that you've reached a decision. Hope I helped, shoot me a message if you need anything else. Best of luck

    • thanks you definitely did :)

  • If he says that and he's spending a lot of time with you, it sounds like bs

    If he genuinely can't see you that much then its more reasonable that it is true

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  • Best answer I can give is "If it ain't broke don't fix it:' If you genuinely enjoy each others company and the sex is good why bother changing that, and if you want to pursue it further that's your deal and he might not feel the same way and his reasons are his own and if doesn't want to share them with you you should accept it and move on.

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  • "Guys: if you're hooking up with a girl that you get along with, why not date her?"

    Why date a I like if we're already hooking up?

    In other words, stop giving up the p**** for cheap. lol. Demand a relationship or keep it moving.

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  • I don't get guys that can have sex with a girl and not want to date her. If she's willing to have sex with you, WHY would you NOT want to date her? unless she's just extremely hot with a horrible personality

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  • What is the incentive to invest in a relationship if the guy is getting sex?

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  • confident guys will ask you, approach you, let you know about them, and ask you for date, but

    nervous, guys will always shy, will always expect you to ask them, they will wait for you,so what your choice is it depends on u,

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  • Because there are other variables to look into to decide if being in a relationship with her will work out well

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  • There could be a million excuses but many of us just want to sow our oats and are too young to get serious.

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  • probably cause I'm not ready for a relationship or commitments right now

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  • I am in college right now and I am too busy for a girlfriend so its not total bs.

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  • It can also be that the girl is taken.

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  • the zone called friend? haha..

    People can only ever speak for themselves, but then I would only "hit it and not date it" if for some reason I didn't deem her suitable for a relationship.

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  • The only reason to not date someone you're hooking up with is if you don't actually have any emotional attachment; i.e. the guy only wants the girl for sex or girl only wants the guy for sex.

    In other words, it's just using the other person. I don't really think there's any great reason why someone wouldn't at least be open to the idea of dating someone if they're having sex with them. As for being too busy to be in a relationship, that just depends on how demanding a person is in a relationship. Honestly, being in one helps relieve stress usually and gives you someone to talk to so that you can wind down.

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  • Because I don't want all the relationship stuff?

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  • No, it's very unlikely he's saying the through. I'm insanely busy right now (writing thesis, preparing for exams, doing job search, managing a student society), and so is my girl, but I take the time to ask her out for lunch chat with her.

    If a guy likes you enough and decides that you are the one, nothing will stop him. Short of life disablements/terminal illness.

    By giving excuses, he is either:

    1. Not willing to put in time for a relationship

    2. Thinks status quo has the perks without the pains

    3. Keeping his options open for another girl

    4. Doesn't find you attractive enough

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    • what you're saying kind of contradicts itself. he is saying that he doesn't want to put time in for a relationship and doesn't want to get too close because of it...these are all things he's said before we even started hooking up and they didn't change when we started. he just sort of tried to push me away saying he doesn't want to lose me and would have me as a friend than not at all and can't be with me the way id want or the way he'd want to be but then always ends up trying anyway

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    • Another thing, don't be expecting him to change. This is the guy you're gonna get. The most is that he'd recognise his emotional issues and try to act more normally for your sake, but deep down this is who he is.

      Expect him to be just as indecisive/erratic in other matters of life. If you cannot accept this kind of behavior , leaving may be a better option.

    • Thank you. Great answer!

  • "Guys: if you're hooking up with a girl that you get along with, why not date her?"

    Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

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  • Because she has already showed she isn't worthy of commitment. If you sleep around and freely giving it up, why do you deserve it? If a girl lets you do that, you're getting all the good parts of the relationship and cutting out all of the fights and what not. You don't have to put up with her garbage.

    "I've just heard guys say things like "i can't have a serious relationship right now because of work and school and I can't let anything distract me, etc." is that legit or is that bs? honestly"

    9 times out of 10 it's bs. When that right girl comes around...

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    • Having sex freely dpesnt make you unworthy. And we fight despite not being more. We fight and makeup and he gets jealous...just like normal people

    • Yes it does.

      If you guys fight, you're not doing it right. If that's the case, what are you complaining about? It's already an ass whip compared to other FWBs and you want exclusivity? lol

    • sounds like you had a lot of crappy girlfriends :/

What Girls Said 9

  • He gets to eat his cake (hook up with you) and keep it too (keep his freedom, not having any commitments).

    Sometimes those explanations are BS, sometimes they aren't. But it doesn't really matter if it's BS or not - the point is that he doesn't want to date. Who cares about the reason? If he was into dating, he'd be doing it already. If you're on separate pages, you're not compatible.

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  • Unfortunately, we have grown up in a society in which boys (and girls) are taught that women who sleep "too soon" with a guy before "trapping him into a relationship" are "sluts". Many guys don't want to be involved with a "slut" or "someone who gives it up too easily" because of all the indoctrination and stupid patriarchal ideologies. Even though men say that they don't like when girls play "games", we do have to make them wait for sex because then it shows them that we are "worthy" (pukes) of him because we didn't sleep with him the second we got the chance. It sounds stupid, but it's true. Misogyny at work.

    Also, people hook up with people who aren't thaaat appealing physically or personality-wise. I used to hook up with this guy in between boyfriends because he was just really fun to be around and really sweet. As far as boyfriend goes, I didn't think he was that attractive and he was really lazy, which I don't like. He was on board with that, he was more of a hook up kind of guy so he was not insulted that we didn't date.

    Sometimes, guys are hung up on ex-girlfriends and just sleep around and hook up, staying hopeful that one day the ex will call him back. I'm taking this from personal experience. I've seen it three times.

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    • We knew each other and loved together for 6 months before hooking up. So I wouldn't say I gave it up too soon. I had rejected previous advances until we were no longer roommates. Not sure if that makes a difference. He's not some random guy, we were close friends. Sex just complicates everything :/

    • Lived together*

    • Don't worry there's no such thing as sleeping "too soon" with someone. Do what you want! And don't let anyone judge.

  • Why are you hooking up? I would never have sex with someone who doesn't love me let alone a guy that isn't even my boyfriend. I would feel like a piece of meat and used.

    .. Man still have that macho thing wired in their heads. You're having sex with him without no commitment and it was easy for him to get. He will never date you. Sorry!

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    • i have gotten into years long relationships with guys I've jujst hooked up with to start with. so have my friends. it doesn't always happen and I'm not saying it will now but sex and feelings aren't that black and white.

  • It's usually either...

    A.) he doesn't want a relationship

    B.) there is something about the girl that prevents her from viewing her as girlfriend material

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  • I trust the words of what the guys said here. If you want commitment this guy is not right for you. Before you sink deeper, pull the plug

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  • Seriously girl take up these men and their advice they make a lot of sense.

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  • It's bs. In those cases she thinks there's more than a sexual connection but he doesn't or he would date her

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  • You do realize that's only thing guys want from women is sex right? I will never understand why girls still go out of their way to get a relationship out of a guy. If they don't care about you, why care about them?

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  • Because he simple doesn't want to make you his girlfriend. If he did than he would

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