He said he's "not ready to try and move on?"

It's a long story. He was severely wounded by an abusive relationship that lasted two years and ended 6 months ago. We were just friends and I was helping him cope, as I have been through it. He initiated more. It was a constant push/pull dynamic. He'd text and want to come over, but would talk himself out of it because he said he'd want to kiss me and didn't want alcohol on his breath for our first kiss, and that he didn't want me to see him cry. I was there for this guy...4am, talking him out of dark places, you name it. It took a lot out of him to even ask me to hang out the first time and he got upset because he was triggered into thinking of her.

Seeing how shy he was and his talking himself out of coming over, I set up plans for him to come and he sabotaged every time. Eventually, things came to a head and he said he really liked me, but was afraid of me getting hurt, that he was broken, he needed to feel alive to truly love and didn't, and that he was sorry I thought it was more that this. I reacted out of hurt and told him I wished I would have never helped him. We both apologized. He text me every day as usual, then disappeared after sending me a "Hey" text one night and not responding to my "Hi". He told his ex girlfriend bye the next night and he disappeared for a week and a half, only to come back with an excuse.

I acted friendly and distant. He retreated. I sent him a text saying I was still there for him. He responded the same minute. We had a convo and I tried to end it, but he interjected, saying he thought he was ready to date again, but was so shy. I kept it friendly and eventually said goodnight. The next morning, he text me "I'm so hunggggry." This was his attempt. I said I was too. He didn't take the bait. The convo ended. Later that night I text him, kidding him and asking if he had been perfecting his skills (in a playful tone). He answered coldly, but proceeded to tell me he was staying at our university instead of transferring and that he had gotten a job. We have a convo, then I end it.

Feeling bad that I had given him a hard time and knowing how shy he is, I sent him this long, sweet message the next morning saying that I knew he was introverted and shy and that I was trying to understand him and make him comfortable, and told him we should get some take-out, come back to my place, chill, and watch a movie. I told him if I was interpreting everything wrong and he wasn't interested, that it was cool and to let me know, so I would drop it and he would strictly be my friend. He proceeded to say he was busy with roommate stuff, though he wanted to one day, and he guessed we could if he had free time. Before I could respond, he text me changing his tune and we set a time. He bailed on me again that night by texting me near our meetup time saying, just saying "I'm so tired". I didn't respond. He never said anything and I blew up at him, saying that he had hurt me for the last time...continued

Updates:
He responded at 2am saying he'd fallen asleep and that he'd be sure not to bother me anymore...I waited until 5pm that day to cool off and I said "It's okay. I know you're going through a lot." Nothing. Around 2:30am that next night, I was out and wanted to show him I had forgotten it and moved on from his bailing, so I text him saying, "Hey, hope you're having a good night. :)" Nothing.


He didn't say anything to me for two days. I broke down the third day and text him.
I said, "So, are you just going to ignore me? I'm sorry for being mean with my response that night, but I had a reason to be upset. That was the fourth time you blew me off. I have all the reason in the world to ignore you, but I am the one who keeps reaching out to you. And, you still question if I really care? I don't have ulterior motives. Maybe one day you'll see that. P.S. I never said you were bothering me."


He responded an hour later with this: "I'm not ready to try and move on."
I was so hurt. He says this after saying he thinks he's ready to date this week when I was just trying to be a friend and gets my hopes up?


My response was: "Okay. Thank you for finally being honest and responding. I'll keep you in my prayers. If you ever need me, you know how to reach me. I just want to say one last thing. You can never say I was one of those girls that just walked away and didn't try."


I was reminding him that everyone leaves him, but I haven't. Nothing.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I've gotta say I didn't read all of this. I read the first 3or4 paragraphs and then skimmed the rest (it's really long)...

    i think the long and short of your situation is rather simple. after a 2 year relationship most people aren't ready to legitimately move on to someone else in 6 months. you factor in the issues he dealt with in that relationship and you can say that he was definitely not ready to move on to someone else.

    so I think he does have feelings for you but he is still in the rebound/healing stages of the breakup and those feelings he has for you are all mixed up with the pain, resentment, distrust, etc he has from the previous relationship. he hooked up because at a moment he felt it was the right thing. I imagine that the things he says about the feelings he has are legit but at this point it is still nearly impossible for him to have processed all the grief associated with the previous relationship and break up.

    I don't think you should expect him to be ready to date and if he tells you he is you can assume that in that moment he believes it but mentally...no way is he ready.

    I'm not sure if you can go back to simply being his friend or if he'll feel rejected if you mention that you don't think there should be any romantic aspects to your relationship at this moment but I think you are only going to find yourself on this ongoing rollar coaster of emotions with him.

    the break up for him was and is difficult enough but now he's trying to convince himself that he's ready to maybe be with you... Essentially it's like he's trying to bake a cake that takes 40minutes to cook for 10minutes in the microwave... It's not going to be smooth and probably will end in lots of pain, arguments, conflict, and hurt feelings for both of you if you don't try and change the nature of the relationship to something more platonic

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    • I'm an English major and women are way more wordy and detailed than men. Lol. I agree. He actually flew to Dallas over our college's Thanksgiving break and had man time. I think that and the fact that he got away from the apartment complex we all live in - JOY - actually helped him breathe and forget her. She lives across the hall from him. I agree with you. I think he desperately wants to believe it, but when it comes down to it, he chickens out and bails on me like he has...continued

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    • I agree with you and I've come to realize this. Because of my own insecurities, I feel like I've been played because he is so cold and locked up. I'm not asking for an engagement ring, just time together. But, to him, it probably seems like that.

      So, even after all that was said, would you try to reach out to him? Or, just let him go? And, if I did, what would you say and how long would you wait?

      Yes, I agree. I've come to realize that he's just not ready...at all.

    • Well if you care about him, and I gather you do, I'd reach out to him but just try and disassociate your feelings from it. even as a friend he may be a bit flaky as a friend.

What Girls Said 1

  • Simply put, you can't trust anything he tells you right now. Not because he's dishonest, trying to lead you on, or any of that, but because he is grieving right now. He is mourning the loss of his relationship. One day, he decides he hates feeling like this and wants to get back in the saddle, the next he realizes he can't, the next he realizes he simply doesn't want to, and then repeat cycle.

    This is why people are warned to avoid those "on the rebound." You're thinking with a clear head, and he is not. No matter how bad he wants to feel a certain way, he can't and his emotions change constantly. I agree with madhatters4, don't take this personally or that you were used. You dove in and gave it a real shot with a guy you built a connection with. There is NO shame in that. The only shame would come from you continuing to go against *your* instincts and needs, and be hurt by his behavior.

    I'd take a big step back from your relationship with him and don't let him draw you back in for a while. If he's really ready and serious, and if you still want him, his persistence will give you all the answers you need. Outside of that, take his pokes as simply that, him acting on his emotions, but he's still grieving the loss of his relationship.

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    • Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear from another woman. When you put it like that, I remember those days, it has just been a lot longer for me and I, fortunately, didn't have any guys that I contacted. I worked on me. But, seeing you put it in a pattern makes sense and makes me feel like I can accept it better, if that makes sense.

      Precisely. That's probably why his irrational thinking makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes. Thank you. That really makes me feel better...continued

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    • which have been taxed enough in the last two months by being there for him and enduring his behavior.

      Yes! You are making so much sense. If he has really changed, he will muster up the courage to pursue me and actually come through with plans, as well as contacting me. He won't keep pushing and pulling.

      I think I am going to return to the mindset I had before he said he ready to date and be distant, but friendly, give him space, and know that he may/may not come back ready. I'm a friend.

    • I think, too, I've been so upset by how things went down yesterday because I feel like my message sounded like I was "leaving" him, which he said his lovers and friends - which are lovers, usually, because of his insecurity motivating him to ask friends out - do and it upsets me to think that he might perceive me as doing the same, but I have stuck by him this whole time and a lot longer than most women would have. I did say he could contact me if he needed me. That sounds like friends, I hope.

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