I'm a smart, assertive woman in her late 20's. I've been around the block enough to know how a man ought to treat a lady and when I should exit a relationship. But the dude I am currently seeing has me wondering what to do. Sorry --- long story, but I feel it's relevant to the whole situation.
About 1/2 a year ago I broke up with my ex whom I loved, but let him go because he felt I was "holding him back." He was very smart & career driven. He was offered a promotion, but he'd have to move clear crossed country for a few years. I didn't want to follow him there & knew that he felt like I was holding him back. We discussed it and decided we'd take a break. I went on a long hiatus where I wasn't seeing anyone & just wallowed in my own self pity. Even worse was a couple months ago he started dating his co-worker out there & they quickly became serous. I never met the girl, but I hated her because I wasn't over him. He was what I considered to be the type of man I wanted to date from here on out. So I went on a lot of random dates with other career guys. Smart guys with goals ... with their heads on straight and money in the bank. Basically none of them fit well for me. They were boring.
A few months ago I met "Charlie." Charlie wasn't really career oriented. He has a job and he's trying to build up his own business, but he was broke & kindof grumpy. We would talk randomly. I instantly liked him, thought he was cute. But it blossomed into something more about a month ago. He was always so polite, respectful, and mild-mannered with me. He knows how to have fun, but in a very moderate way. I was thrilled because Charlie truly treats me so well. He makes me feel like the only girl in the world, and we have a lot of chemistry.
I was always a little taken back my Charlie's friends. They are really rough around the edges. They get drunk every weekend and a few have been to jail for who knows what. They were nice to me, but seem very rough.
I told a acquaintance that I was seeing Charlie. She basically spit her drink out and asked me if I was high. Ummm ... no. She told me everything she knew about him. She said that Charlie is a thug, that he used to deal drugs, that he is a womanizer, that he has a violent temper, that he drinks too much ... etc ect. Basically she told me everything that is a DEALBREAKER for me. My heart just sunk because I can't imagine ... I mean, Charlie? For real? The mild-mannered, gentle guy I've been seeing?
So we did an internet background check on him. It appears Charlie was in jail many years ago for a few years and he has a DUI that was given to him only 3 months ago. He hasn't shared any of this with me. I really like him. I see a guy who is trying to build a future for himself and who truly treats me well ... but I am also apprehensive. I'm thinking of talking to him about what I heard. What do you think?
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How does your friend know "Charlie"?
You have good reason to be suspicious, given the guys he associates with. It is a tricky situation though, given the timing of it all. Have you met with him lately and has he noticed you acting differently? I think asking him is about all you can do at this point, but don't just call him up and confront him.
When you're out on a date with him, when the moment is right, that's when you say "I have heard some things..." Make it clear that it is all just here-say and that you don't completely believe everything, but that you want to know the truth. If you want to keep seeing him, even if all this is true, let him know that. For all you know, he could be trying to fix himself. Changes like that don't just happen overnight.1