Why is it I can't seem to find a decent guy? Am I cursed?

Hello, my name is Ashley. I've been single for a couple of years (or more) and I've been trying to put myself out in the dating world. I joined an online dating website but I just found out the disappointing way that most guys on there are just after sex. That's all they think about and when I say "No," then the guys won't even talk to me anymore.

I used to go after guys in real life but I am so afraid to now because of my previous rejection experiences. I tell myself "Why try you're just going to get rejected anyways."

I mean a majority of the time it does hurt me that it seems like I keep meeting dirt bags who just want to have sex... and I see all these happy couples and wish I was just like them.. kills me that I am alone.. and it's killing my spirituality... I pray everyday but I don't think that God hears my prayers.. I feel all alone and wish I had a boyfriend but like I said I keep meeting douche bags.

Am I cursed? Why do I feel so alone? Are there ANY remedies to this situation? Are there any good guys left for me?

- Thanks for reading this

Ash


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You know, it's interesting hearing a girl say this. So many guys on here and in real life tell me the same thing. Of course, some of the details are different, but the feeling of despair and isolation are the same. I'm in the same rut you are. I don't meet girls who are just after sex, of course (Haha!) but instead I find girls who just want to use me and then move on or I get outright rejected. I've tried to be a good guy, but I've found that women take advantage of me and then I look and feel like a fool afterward. It's gotten to the point where even if I have a strong feeling that a girl likes me, I won't approach because I am so tired of the pain and disappointment other girls have put me through. I feel hopelessly alone and there is nothing or no one that can help me.

    You have to understand that nobody can force the people you like to like you back. You aren't alone in the pain you feel. I'd say most, if not all, are experiencing or have experienced what you are going through. Myself, my friends -- I even have a friend who never tried dating because of what he saw, and I dearly wish I had done the same -- all feel like we are totally alone. There are no remedies. However, you have to find other things in life that you enjoy and that take your mind off it. Think about yourself. Stop caring about others. Most people will only disappoint you the better you get to know them. Enjoy your own company and what you have to offer. The less you think about dating, the better you will feel. That's what's helped me and my friends in any case.

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    • Thank you, it seems like my luck has worsened I used to get better dates and now I barely get any or meet guys who just want sex and who want talk to me when I say "No," I understand the pain and you're right maybe I should stop caring about others.. But yeah I'm really going to try to just not hurt or care. Thank you for your response :)

    • I think it says a lot about modern paradigms that both sexes are so dissatisfied with the other. People are so callous and selfish these days. Nobody seems to take pleasure in being good to others anymore -- only in what they can get for themselves. I don't even think dating in such a climate is worth it. Maybe thinking along those lines will help. Guys only want you for sex and girls only want me for what I can do for them. Hopefully we'll meet someone better, but I'm not holding my breath.

What Guys Said 12

  • At your age a lot of guys are going to just be going after sex. But remember you don't need a lot of guys, you need ONE guy. He is out there,you may need to look a little higher in the age bracket though. God hears your prayers. Don't lose hope. I like to think of myself as a decent catch (when I'm at my best) but it still took me years to find a decent woman (my wife now). Just keep putting yourself out there and keep focusing on improving yourself, and when the time is right a good guy will swoop you up =)

    And I disagree with the guy who said "you haven't done a good enough job to convince guys that you have more to offer than your body". If you sense that a guy is just after sex then that's all you need to know...leave him. Because any guy who jumps into a dating scenario thinking "sex first" is not a keeper. Even if you do manage to intrigue him a little bit and he plays your game and tries to settle down for you...the fact is he's only doing that for YOU...but he still has the same "sex first" mentality on the inside, toward other girls he'll meet. And that's not what you should consider a keeper.

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  • Hi, Ashley!

    About twelve years ago I was in your same boat. I posted adds on several Christian dating sites. I got everything from canned responses, to pretty women telling me how much they loved wolves...

    Well, first off, if you aren't even going to respond to me with a genuine reply, well, needless to say I never replied to the canned responses.

    And sorting through the other girls, I saw a ton of pretty faces and kinda assumed they were all, more or less, compatible with me.

    One day I realized that if I made a mistake I would regret it for the rest of my life. I mean yeah, there was dating, but honestly, I don't want to fake it till I make it because I am so friggin lonely.

    My flow chart went like this:

    Requirements, needs, desires, wants:

    Female.

    Was she born female?

    Yes?

    Did she say Hi?

    Yes?

    = Marriage.

    Because I have a troubled past, I wasn't very mature in this regard. I began to grow more and more afraid of making a mistake, when God told me to stop worrying. He knows I am incapable of finding the right mate on my own. I need a special woman. Very special. In fact, only one woman is going to be right for me.

    Twelve years later I would be lying if I said I wasn't resentful of God keeping me alone.

    But I know with all I have been through, that I need more time. Time to mature, time to introspect. Time to understand, desire, and appreciate the heart of a good woman. These are things I simply did not have before. An appreciation of women.

    And along the way, I have been hit on by more than one married woman, various other women who were just not for me. It's been a lonely, difficult battle.

    But when I meet her I am going to know that it was all worth the wait.

    So my suggestion is to pray and ask God... not for a mate... But to ready YOU for one. Once you are ready, and God knows your heart is ready, He will arrange the meeting for you :)

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    • Thank you Tundra for your genuine response I hope you meet/find the woman of your dreams!

    • Sorry to sound rude... but this story is just lame...

      You know why you don't get any girls.. because you sit around WAITING for someone to come to you... good luck with that "bro"

      I hope your not in your 40's already still waiting... because you can keep waiting...

    • my suggestion is to stop praying and start doing. that is all.

  • "I just found out the disappointing way that most guys on there are just after sex. That's all they think about and when I say "No," then the guys won't even talk to me anymore."

    I will say this...Even if I'm looking for something serious, if a girl won't have sex with me on the first date, I am reeaaallly skeptical of her interest in me. If she doesn't me to fuck her so much that it overcomes her reserve by the second date...No way. It's not happening. You end up in a lukewarm relationship where neither person (or at least, the woman in question) is crazy about the other.

    So, even though I'm NOT just interested in sex, not having sex will really put me off.

    Food for thought.

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  • just go out with the ones you like and see what happens

    i know if I'm single and I'm in the dating world, the first thing I want to do is sleep with someone right away, like in the first 5 dates

    that way I know if is going to work or not, after sex we guys can make better decisions

    in our mind the first thing we need to get out of the way is sex, once we done that we can notice everything else about the girl and really get interesting in getting to know her

    but no every guy is like this. if meet a hot guy most likely he had sex and had been hurt in the past, so we know that girls can be mean and play with us

    if we have sex with them, then she cannot longer play with us and we can have a more honest interaction

    if you want a man that is going to put up with all the crap before even getting anything then don't go for the experience guys, go for the mommy boys or the church guys

    those guys are more easy to manipulate and some can be good looking too

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    • (Before I get started, this isn't a personal attack) ... You said "in our mind the first thing we need to get out of the way is sex, once we done that we can notice everything else about the girl"... OK, but as women, EVERY MAN we date wants the same, so if we slept with every man and very soon so he could see if we like each other, that's a lot of sex with a lot of guys. So as men, you guys can either stop 'slut shaming' or figure out how to see the woman & not her body first. Double standards.

    • Ya but you gotta remember.. guys are PROGRAMED to have sex. Evolution made us want to have sex so we could produce offspring. It's why guys are the way they are... In the cave man days, guys didn't ask women out. They grabbed them by the hair and took her away into the cave had sex and babies.

      Obviously times have changed, but as a girl don't put out then. And, if the guy is interested he STILL will spend time with you if he REALLY honestly likes you for you!

    • I'm agree, slut shaming is a horrible thing in our society. however I have to say there are some women that are so incredible gorgeous that mt men would not mind waiting as long as they feel she is a sure thing

  • You just simply can't be afraid of rejection. It may be hard but hey if you don't put yourself out there your never going to find that one person your looking for.

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    • Thanks, it's hard though I just felt too vulnerable to talk to guys and possibly get rejected cause I'd probably bawl my eyes out lol AND I wouldn't want another bad scenario to happen again. But yeah maybe one day I'll make a move but I really wish guys would make the moves.. well when I meet the right guy that is

    • exactly... if people sit back and wait... NOTHING will happen. You gotta take ACTION to make it happen.

  • It turns out that those lucky girls who are with great guys are with them because they understand them better than you do. The fact is that most guys want and need sex. That doesn't mean they are douche bags. Some are but most aren't. Many of them start out being less assertive. They spend a lot of time and money on women who don't put out and then they realize that there just isn't enough time or money for that sort of thing anymore. They find women who gratify them sexually and that is a very important thing for a man. Then they hook up or even marry these women and take excellent care of them and some women like you get jealous of what great men these women have.

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    • I'm a guy and that is total bull shit. Be a man and admit it bro. Any girl who gives you sex early on is not going to be a girl you want. It it's easy.. then you have no challenge/

  • "I joined an online dating website but I just found out the disappointing way that most guys on there are just after sex."

    Surprise! It's not just the guys online who are just after sex. It's most of the guys you'll meet in life.

    That doesn't mean they are dirt bags. They just know what they want and are going to try and get it.

    The dirt bags are the ones who also just want sex, but will lie to you to get it, and lie about wanting a relationship with you.

    This has nothing to do with your prayers. If you want a guy, you have to do something about it. But if you're saying to every guy that you're not going to have sex, then you have to take responsibility for that choice. You're excluding most of the male species by that attitude.

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  • This is my take on it..

    As a nice guy I normally do NOT approach women. This makes it tough, because the douche bags normally DO approach women. And. this is where the problem lies...

    Think about it who would you date, the douchgebag who approaches you and has the guts to tell you any BS he wants to make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Or the shy nice guy sitting at a table who just stares but never says anything to you ever. In this case you would have to approach him, or nothing happens.

    What I have found is most girls go for the assole that approaches them because he has confidence, he knows how to impress a girl (at least initially till he gets what he wants). And they WANT a guy, and since the shy nice guy doesn't do shit.. the girl gives up and gives the assole a chance.

    So a change I have made as a nice guy now is to APPROACH women too. I'm in no way as good as the assoles, those guys have some serious skills because they do it on a daily basis. I only do it when I DO find someone I would like to get to know more and see if it leads to a relationship.

    So you have 2 options. Either approach men yourself, the shy nice ones that stare and make eye contact but don't have the guts to approach you. Or screen guys that do approach you and see what they want.

    If a guy REALLY is interested in you, then sex will not be a #1 priority. And, as a guy if I REALLY like the girl and love being around her. I will definitely be okay if you pushed sex back for a bit and be okay with it. I mean I'm sure you also would want a physical intimate relationship too as I as a guy would too. But, as a nice guy I am more about getting to KNOW you to decide if this will go somewhere or not.

    So anyway.. that's my 2 cents there.

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  • OK, Ash. Well, you're going to have to change your way of thinking.

    Another way of saying that most guys are just after sex is to say you haven't done a good enough job to convince guys that you have more to offer than your body. For a girl getting a relationship is like getting sex for a guy. It's tough! It's probably not just going to fall into your lap.

    If I have a female friend and one day, having done absolutely nothing all this time to make her see me as sex material, I ask her for sex, she's probably going to say no! Similarly, you can't just demand or assume that guys will see you as girlfriend material.

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  • perhaps if you didn't view guys who want sex (which is normal for a guy) as "dirt bags" or "douche bags" than maybe you won't get rejected, guys are sexual people and they can be loving if you let them, and there are plenty of good guys out there, you just need to have the same desire/ interests they do and not view sex as something that's immoral or whatever

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  • The dirt bags that use women, learn to approach girls easier than the shy sweet guys. Also when a sweet guy does approach he is likely so awkward that you immediately lose interest in him. You may also have unrealistic expectations. You may be dating guys that are too good looking for you. If a guy is dating down, chances are he is only looking to get laid.

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    • Seen this happen a lot.. shy guys sometimes get the courage to approach. But get super nervous and just destroy the interaction.

  • Perhaps your standards are too high? I know my chances with a 10/10 are very slim so I don't bother, but if you try to lower your standards then you could find more success.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Sweetie, have you ever thought God has other purposes for you, would you believe He has someone in store for you and waiting for the perfect moment? I am also single and young age 21 soon to be 22, I mean you are still young and have so much to live for before a relationship. I see young couples all lovey dovey and such but i realize it may not what it seems and I will wait for my day. If it is God's will for to meet the man i will share his life and my life until the end of our days on Earth, so be it! :) If not, He might have other greater purposes! Have faith and no you are cursed and besides think about this way, none of those guys you encountered were good enough for you and saved from an awful treatment that could have brought you to a far worse state than now. Have patience and while doing that, do something for others that will bring a smile their faces as well as yours. I do that while I wait :) Trust me, I had tons of rejections in my time, it was not the time and they were not for me but here I am living breathing, spending time with family and friends, comforting and be a great friend to those who need it & having faith in God and thanking him for what He has done for me. I mean there is more to life than romantic relationships right? Its cute and sweet and all but there are things that are need of our attention, our family, our studies, our jobs.

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