How do you decide on who pays?

I mean, on a date or when hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, or on one of those "this might be a date" situations.

When the waiter comes and asks whether the bill should be paid together or should be split... How do you decide?

Do you talk with the other person before about it?

Guys, do you just take charge and take the whole thing without seeing what she wants? Or do you glance at her and see her actions?

Girls, do you stay silent and let the guy make the decision? Or do you quickly say that you'll either take the bill or go dutch before he has the chance to take the bill?

How do you communicate this? It's always an awkward 2 seconds for me, especially on a first date.

Updates:
Why is it so hard for people to understand the real question?


What I wanted to know is: How do you decide this between the two of you? Talk about it before the date? On the way there? Eye contact? Some gesture? How? Because for me, it's always an awkward moment.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If it's a date and HE asked me to go out with him then I do not even think about the check.. he pays it and that's that.. however, IF he did ask me to pay my way then I would .. I'm always prepared.. BUT.. he shouldn't ever expect me to join him on a second date after that. I've been raised by a good man who taught me how I should be treated by a man. If a man does not want to invest the few bucks on dinner then what on earth makes me think he will invest anything else on our future...

    The only time I've paid for my dinner or drinks when out with a man is when it was with my guy friend.. My guy friend would love to date me but we've been friends for 10 years and he is not my type. He always says to me "let me take you out to dinner" and I do agree but at the end I always always pay for mine and sometimes I pay for his if I'm feeling generous lol.

    Actually I was on a date last Wednesday night and my guy made a joke to the waiter .. he said "oh she'll take the check"... and honestly I laughed hysterically.. because A) he picked the restaurant and IF I was ever gonna pay HELL NO I wouldn't have picked that expensive place. I would have picked the local hot dog stand lol and B) that is just funny because he has been begging me to allow him to take me out on a date..

    Anyway- I've answered similar questions like these in the past and I know a majority of people do not agree with me.. they vote my answers down lol.. Do I care though? nope.. not one bit.. I truly believe that if men were held more responsible for pursuing women and women would stop running around with their "feminist act" then relationships and marriages would last a hell of a lot longer.. I believe strongly in Gender roles and while I can agree that a good debate could go on between myself and another with an opposing viewpoint.. You just can't deny statistics.. divorce rates.. and pay scales.. Bottom line.. with me.. the man pays.. want me to pay? Sure I will.. when we are married and our date money comes out of OUR pocket.. until then I'm not paying for a man to enjoy my company until he decides he's ready to go drop his pants for the next lady.. nah no thanks..

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    • I just don't understand rationally how "If a man does not want to invest the few bucks on dinner then what on earth makes me think he will invest anything else on our future." I understand the cultural aspect of noticing that's what occurs generally, but I would think paying the bill would be as important as a gain of sand in the ocean compared to him as a person. All other traits would be overlooked for this once instance. I just don't agree with the importance.

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    • I just think I've hit a nerve in Maskedsanity.. It sounds like sour grapes ... But don't take it personally.. anyway you're only 25 years old.. you got a lot of living to do..

    • I don't see why you can't answer a simple question and keep on turning this back on me. Perhaps it is I, who hit your nerve?

      You've already proven yourself to be unbearably stubborn, so you don't have to worry about me trying to "change your opinion". I just want to understand the reasoning behind your view.

What Guys Said 13

  • I live in Los Angeles and I've had a waiter ask me that question about 5% of the time. Normally, I wait until the very end and then take charge... as in, I direct our conversation towards the bill before we actually ask for it.

    "Oh hey, are we going to split that or..." then obviously the girl will pipe up and give me her two cents. If she happens to be one of those audacious girls that simply asks "oh aren't you going to pay" or something along those lines I will simply make it clear that we are splitting it. I'm not an asshole I just stand up for myself.

    As a rule I never pay for a date. I pay for girlfriends, mothers, girlfriends of friends, friends but NEVER a date. When a woman has achieved one of the esteemed aforementioned titles then meals are always payed for by me, no questions asked.

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  • I like to talk about it a bit.

    One of the things I do is offer to pay, and see if the offers as well. I've dated girls where we get like "No -I- am paying for it." and that's when you know things are headed in the right direction.

    Other times, I've shown up for a coffee date. Usually I don't get anything really, and get there early to wait for her. Then she comes in with two drinks and gives one to me. I find that really sweet.

    In terms of me paying, I don't mind it if it is seen as a kind and generous gesture. If it is an expectation, you can expect me to actively break it.

    In terms of her paying, I don't like asking anyone of anything. At least anything material. If she offers, I'm fine with that, and try to do the same for her in the future. I figure, never borrow more than you can lend. But it really means a lot when a girl thinks about me in that sense.

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  • Me and my I don't exactly know what we are yet play it by ear.

    Usually if we go out to eat something or for a drink I pay but on the other hand she usually brings me a snack or something when we meet up and or when we go to the drive in or get take out sometimes she pays. I don't know I guess we just make it up in the moment. Eye contact or we talk about it quickly but if I decide I'm paying that's it no more talking my mind is made up. She's really great I can't believe I didn't meet her sooner. :)

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  • I don't decide, I pay when I have a woman in my company. THAT is unless she's the kind who likes to go dutch and if one doesn't it hurts her self respect cause that's how her perception is. In such cases generally the woman does mention so or mentions it when we are about to pay where I allow her. End of the day for me it's chivalry & respect whichever way it goes.

    Talking about it in advance specifically or initiating it is not my style :)

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  • I told her this

    ''so should we do this the Egyptian way or the Danish way '' ?

    she said she preferred to pay for her drink.. but they brought one cheque and they asked me to go pay by the counter. So I told her this

    '' Look.. I am taking this this time and next time it is on you ''

    she smiled and was OK with it :) so I am looking forward for the next date .

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  • If I invited them out then I tend to cover everything. My mind is pretty much made up before I even show up so I'll just throw down a card if I was planning to cover it all. I generally prefer to at least cover my way, but there have been a few times when a girl's insisted on paying it all and I don't push it. Most women I've dated have always gone to cover their half of the bill without a discussion so I never really had to broach the subject.

    I've only had one girlfriend that thought I should always pay for everything. It didn't last.

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  • I would generally propose a simple 50/50 split. This avoids the tricky situation that "she pays for me" or vice versa. Which could give the other the feeling that you want something too badly (bad sign?).

    As an alternative to a date in a restaurant or bar, I also like to do an activity together.

    This generally creates a much more relaxed atmosphere than the stress of a first date :-)

    I like the expression "go Dutch"... I'm working for a Dutch company and see them do it!

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  • This shouldn't even be a question, it should be expected for each person to pay their own way without even asking. So when the issue of who pays comes up everyone should automatically say they will pay individually, simple.

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  • It's pretty simple. I pay.

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  • i would personally talk about it before taken ma girl out to da club xD

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  • I think splitting it's the easiest way.

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    • yeah but how do you communicate that to each other? Eye contact? Talk about it before the waiter comes? Before ordering? How?

    • I guess I would just tell the person at the start of the date or maybe when you plan the date

    • I feel like it's so much easier to just pay to avoid the potential drama or awkwardness.

  • The girl has to pay. I don't care. Every girl I am with pay for the damn meal.

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    • If you don't care, why the anonymity? =)

    • Because people willthumbs me down on other question because they catch the hate fever. They have to pay for the meal and open the door to my car... shiiiiit.

    • Ok... I am trolling, lol. Sometimes you need that one question to troll.

  • Hmm. Really depends.

    If she initiated and invited me out--dutch or she pays.

    If I asked her out--probably I pay.

    Though it's best to just take girls on cheap dates until you really know them. There are a fair amount of women that just go out to get taken out and have guys pay for everything.

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    • yeah but the question is: how do you communicate that to each other?

    • Well, if she's unsure, she'll ask. Otherwise, I assume that if I asked her out, I'm paying.

What Girls Said 9

  • On the car ride out to the date I always say, "Just so you know I want to split this bill. We can do it right down the middle or each pay for what we got, I don't care, it won't change what I order, but I'd feel really uncomfortable with just one of us paying."

    Then when the bill comes if he doesn't let me pay then I'll talk to the waitress directly and let her know to charge me, as well. And if that makes him really upset then, well I guess it wasn't meant to be. But unless there's a reason for it (I paid for the movie so he's getting dinner) I always split the bill and whoever I end up with should respect that.

    But I've been in my relationship for 3-4 years now and it's more relaxed. If he wants to go out but I don't have the money I'll let him know and if he still wants to he knows, going in, that he'll have to pay. And I always make sure not to get anything too expensive. And the same goes the other way. Or sometimes we want to treat each other, so that's okay. But we always balance it out. He paid for me this time so I'll be sure to give him gas money or I'll drive us there.

    We don't keep tabs, if I bought dinner and he never found a way to "pay" me back then I don't care. I do it because I want to, because it's a gift. But we just enjoy keeping things even so one person doesn't end up feeling used.

    So yeah, before you even get there let him know what you expect and ask him if that's okay and what he wants to do and work it out.

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  • I always offer to pay for whatever I ordered. It seems quite irritating to me that so many girls nowadays whine and moan about gender 'equality', yet expect any guy to pay for them?

    Not a necessity in my books. If the guy pays for me it'll definitely earn him some brownie points and work in his favour, but I go into it with the assumption that everyone pays for themselves.

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    • How do you communicate about this? Eye contact? You holding your purse? Telling him right away?

    • nah I don't bother bringing it up from the start, I'd hate to make him feel unnecessarily awkward haha. When the waitress brings the bill and asks who's paying I'll just pull out my wallet. It's best if, when the waitress comes to take our plates/glasses and asks if it's together or not, I'll ask her to split the bill which should let him know I've got mine covered.

  • If it's a date: who ever asked who on the date is the one who pays.

    Hanging out: pay for your own meal

    This didn't have a label: if the guy offers then let him pay, if he doesn't just pay for your own meal.

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  • I offer to pay for myself. Sometimes the guy tells me he wants to pay - other times he doesn't.

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  • You can throw it in as a joke to see what sort of attitude you'd get on the subject.

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    • I think you're probably right about men paying because it's left over from when women didn't have income. It really doesn't make sense to me though but yes most men don't want to offend the woman so it's easier to pay. I do think this norm will die in time though. It really makes no sense to me.

    • I think it's shitty that something that's been left off from the past that made sense at the time, has been ingrained in women's minds as an expectation.

      If a woman expects to be treated by gender roles from the past, then she should also comply with the gender roles were applied to women from that same era. Sit at home, clean the house, make the food, suck dick and pop out babies NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

      Otherwise that's called being an entitled sexist bitch.

  • the waiter never asks this in japan. you have to ask to have the bill divided. the boy always pays on dates. I sometimes pull out my wallet but they don't let me pay.

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    • That's an interesting fact, good to know =)

    • yeah and many places don't offer this.

    • That's how it is in the US too. Waiters hand me the bill and they would always give me the wine list as well lol.

  • I just pull out my wallet and ask him if we'll split it or if he asks me, I just say we want to split it.

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  • Whoever suggested to go out, paid. That's how it worked in my relationships.

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  • I always expect to pay my half of the bill.

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