Why do guys pull the disappearing act?

[Anonymous]

I know the disappearing act is common but this one has definitely hit me harder than most. I met a guy on tinder and we dated for about a month and a half. He texted me every single day and we went on 6 or 7 dates. Last weekend I met one of his close friends for the first time. After then all of a sudden he stopped texting me. He did text and say he was glad I came out the day after but now It's been 4 days and I haven't heard anything at all. And occasionally since then when I get on tinder I see he's been "active" so I know he didn't "lose" his phone. Why do you think he's disappeared?

Updates

+1 y

So one thing I want to add that boggles my mind is when guys disappear I feel like there isn't a slight warning sign at least! You would think they start acting alittle different or distant but in this case the date went well AND even texted after!!

[Myownhero]

I went on 5 great dates with a guy also from Tinder, and i met his friends and again it was amazing, nothing went wrong. At our last date which was a wow date he told me he likes me but he lives in another town and we met because he came to my town for conferences and he had back to back meetings here so we got to go on 5 dates, so he also said how it sucked that we dont get to spend much time together. Now he goes to university at the same time, and might come for school in my town after summer. But he also disappeared on me and i was insecure and thought i did something and i got needy. 2 weeks ago i managed to ask him why he was like this and he simple said that
he isn't looking for anything serious due to the fact that he is busy and doesn't have time for it. He also said there's just a lot going on right now. He wanted to remain friends and said he thinks im a cool girl. Yes i was broken and still sad cause we were perfect and had so much fun. He also said he had a great time at our date the day after, it was on Valentine's day.

So my point is that guys do disappear when things get serious in order to fully find out where they want this to go. Its only been 4 days so dont panick yet but dont sit and hope for it to go anywhere, it sucks but guys do this. Just do your own thing and do not DO NOT GET NEEDY.

Now any advice on what i can do with my "guy" :)?

[Asker]

Wow that is very interesting your situation and tks for the great advice. I would honestly give you the same advice. The thing that's different with your guy is that it seems that he's clearly told you that he doesn't want anything serious and you have to decide for yourself if you're ok with just being friends. I have been in situations like yours several times before and looking back I wish I didn't dwell on those guys bc they are basically telling you straight up " I don't want to be with you" the truth of the matter is no matter what may be going on in a guys life if he likes you enough he will try and make it work. The last guy this happened with we had a great time but he told me he wasn't ready for anything serious but he loved hanging out with me. He also said he was too busy with work. I held on to my emotional attachment until I finally moved on. Come to find out he had gotten into a relationship with someone shortly after which everything he told me became null.

[Asker]

Sry word limit wouldn't let me finish. So long story short if you feel like you can be friends with him without become too emotionally attached then do it but always date more guys on the side!

[Myownhero]

Ye i know there's no point in holding on to him especially when he might not move here and he might go to school in another country, and yes im afraid that he is dating others but i honestly do think he doesn't have the time for anything now. He got out of a relationship last year, they dated for 6 years.

But with all this said, the best thing for both of us would be to drop them and just be ok with being alone and i honestly hate the whole dating thing, i love it when im not dealing with heart ache and things are good, i see so many in relationships complaining etc and im thinking thank god im not in that situation and im just dealing with me. Tinder is also a waste of time. Now this guy is a great guy i honestly know that but the timing is just bad.

[Asker]

Yep, totally agree. Dating is meant to be fun. Once the fun is taken out and it's more stressful then we need to move on haha

[Myownhero]

I watched this great video and i recomend you to see it also it put so much things in perspective for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npMY95o2C4g

[Asker]

Thank you!!! Loved it

[Destinee7]

I could be wrong but:

- A lot of time when guys disappear its because of another girl. His time is now spent texting/calling her.

- I doubt he stopped texting you for absolutely no reason. Do u remember the last couple of convos u had with him? Maybe he dropped a few hints in there. I.E: I had a guy who started off really nonchalantly bringing up me being busy a lot. I brushed it off every time but it was a major issue for him (unbeknownst to me)

- in my opinion...4 days is too soon to conclude he's "disappeared". He could be busy or just need some space

-If the disappearing act becomes longer OR it becomes a repeated thing...I'd seriously forget this guy like amnesia & move on.

[Asker]

You have articulated so well what I was telling myself subconsciously lol. Thank you. I was trying to honestly think back on our last few convos but I can't remember anything that would have set it off. I thought things had gone well even when he texted me after saying he was glad he got to see me. The weird thing is when I got on the online app we met on the other day it said he had been active a few hrs before so my guess is for whatever reason he lost interest or felt like it was too much work (we almost had sex that night after I hung out and met his friend but I stopped him and said I wasn't ready. He was super sweet and understanding about it). So now it's been a week and still no word so I am counting it as a loss :(

[Destinee7]

While I can totally understand where ur coming from.. I also hope you're not bursting your brain trying to figure out 100 possible reasons. He knows the exact reason. You dont. Unless he tells you why, move on. If he disappeared.. chances are u really dont need him & a better guy awaits you. If he returns, its up to u to take him back or not. but just dont stress yourself over ANY guy.

[Asker]

So true!! Tks!! It's been a whole week now and I surprisingly feel strong and not too upset or hurt :)

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to me too years ago. We weren't together tho' we were just dating. We texted litterly everyday then suddenly i didn't hear anything of him. The problem with me was i was stubborn.. I never texted him first or i was never the one who ask him out to do something it was always him. So he stopped texting me just to see how much i cared. Maybe this is the reason why?

Also if you really wanna know whats wrong just call him whatever but dont be too pushy call him and tell something funny about what you just witnesses/ doing, then add "so what are you doing? It's been a while i've heard something from you?" Just make sure you don't sound mad or dissapointed

[Asker]

Interesting! So what gave? Did you end up texting him first finally and you guys kept dating? The thing is though I finally started texting him first once in a while and I did get better about inviting him to things which is why I feel like it's weird. If he did meet another girl or lost interest I'm scared sending him a text will make him even more annoyed...

[Opinion Owner]

I never ended texting him. I was just never the one who texted him first. I really liked him and he too (according to his friends), like i said i was just too proud to text him first.

It was like a week we didn't contacted eachother then suddenly i received a message from him saying why i never call or text him or why i never asked him to hang out. He confessed then that he really liked me but he felt like that i didn't appreciate all his effort, but i did.

So since then i started to do more effort myself.
It went good for months but we eventually never ended together.

[Asker]

You sound a lot like me. I want the guy to pursue and I also don't want to come off as clingy so it's a constant battle. I guess I'll find out with this one. I really hope he's just backing off to see what I do but it may be that he actually met someone else

[Opinion Owner]

Yes me too! I don't know i love to see how much a guy cares i geuss. If a guy stops texting me, i automatically assume he's not interested anymore or he already lost his interest to someone else so i really understand your situation. Also the reason why i never text first is because i always have the feeling i annoy them lol.

Anyway if his really a good guy and you're sure he's that "boyfriend material" than i recommend you to try and make more effort.

I'm now in a happy relationship and in the beginning when we were still dating i had this problem again and because of my "proud" i almost "lost" him. So it's really worth it! When we didn't speak for 2 days he would suddenly text me "being stubborn again hu?" (But in a funny way tho' ;d).

[Asker]

Tks for your advice! I still haven't had the courage to text him first though bc I went on the online app we met on and he's been active since and now it's been a whole week and nothing from him. I just feel like if he still has time to be active online then clearly he isn't missing me or is not contacting me on purpose :(

[Opinion Owner]

Do you guys have mutual friends? Cause then it will be easy to contact him again. For example you can ask him to hang out but with all your and his friends so it's not like your pushing him

[Asker]

Unfortunately no mutual friends :( but that would've been a good idea. Dang haha

[Opinion Owner]

If i were just text him i don't like if there is something to do somewhere an event or something invite him. If he say that he can't then oke. And if after that he doesn't say anything animore or the daya after then you'll know he moves on... Cause all this will drive you crazy!
Succes let me know how it went!

[Asker]

The only reason I don't think I will is because everytime I go back on the online app he has been active on there which means he's trying to look for others to date. So why should I waste my time trying to get him to like me again ya know? :(

[Opinion Owner]

What is this online app you're talking about? Like whatsapp?

[Asker]

Tinder

[Mark27]

I guess he is trying to give you both space, that you both wouldn't get annoyed to each other. Or he may be testing you out on how long can you be without him.
It really depends on he's personality.

[Asker]

I see your point but I don't think guys play games like this like girls do. Especially bc this guy is older in his mid 30s

[ImCoasting]

Sometimes we need space, most girls ignore guys because guys don't give them enough attention. It's the opposite for guys. If a girl is annoying us we ignore them a bit

[Asker]

But what could I have done to annoy him if things seemed to be going well and he was the one that invited me out with his friend?

[Asker]

Do you think he'll come back around eventually?

[ImCoasting]

He may have lost interest in you who knows

[kdizzleforizzle91]

This has happened to me several times, all guys I met online. Once, he told me he couldn't handle long distance relationships, even though we hadn't even gotten to the point of meeting so that he could see if that's what he wanted. The other two times, the guys just stopped responding and I noticed after a very short time that they were dating/in a relationship with someone else.

[Asker]

Yeah that sounds about right. I am thinking more and more he just met someone or lost interest. Everytime I get on tinder he has been active lol

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I'm sorry it didn't work out. :( But be positive - you went out on 6 or 7 dates with him! I haven't gotten any farther than 2 dates with any of the guys I've ever gone out with. :/

[Asker]

Aw don't worry it's a numbers game! Just keep going on dates and you get better and more used to it. He probably was the longest guy I kept around for someone I met online

[Ocicatlvr]

at least you met someone on tinder. i haven't met one girl , we met up once and then she never talked to me again.

[Asker]

It's a numbers game you just have to keep swiping haha

[Ocicatlvr]

thats what i have been doing and i haven't made any connections since that last girl.

[Asker]

Maybe tinder isn't your avenue then. Don't be discouraged by that it's a shallow app at the end of the day

[Ocicatlvr]

you are probably right.

[ChicaDelMar]

It takes perseverance. I've met some really awesome guys on it. (I should clarify I'm looking to date; not just 'hook up'.)

[Ocicatlvr]

i am looking for both. and the problem now is that noone is choosing me at all.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

He just doesn't want to tall to you because he thinks you are annoying

[Asker]

That could be a reason but what conveys that? Bc I'm overanalyzing it too much? Bc I thought I was pretty laid back and the hang out went well. And why would he realize this almost two months in instead of earlier if that's the case

[AndyWes]

That's how life is... there's no breaking up anymore. there's the "fade away" lmao.

[Anonymous]

he stopped text you because he found out that he doesn't like you. it happened too and he liked the fact that you met other guy to move away from you

[Asker]

What do you mean he liked that I met the other guy? His friend?

[Opinion Owner]

yeah

[Asker]

Interesting...why would he introduce me to his close friend if he wanted to get away from me lol i would think its the opposite

[characterdeelaa]

Guys introduce girls to see if their friends like them too. I mean if I don't get along with my friends new or potential g.f. Then it may be a problem... My friends ex was crazy, she didn't allow him to hang with his friends. So I called him out on it and he took my advice and left her. No woman is worth it if she is controlling what he can and can't do or who he can talk too.

[Asker]

I see. Thanks for the input.

[cutiepie321]

I bet his friend gave him crap about dating someone on tinder

[Asker]

I think he told his friend he met me on there before introducing :/ ugh I don't know

[Lonesomecowboybill]

Yea, not saying so much that you did anything wrong per se, but I guess he took the fact that you met up with his friend a little too personal.

[Asker]

To clarify I didn't meet up with his friend separately. He invited me out to hang out with him and his friend and that was the first time he'd introduced me to any of his circle of friends

[Lonesomecowboybill]

Hmm, not sure then, he might just be a complete dick or else he has some issues, if he is going to act like that to you, I myself would devote my time to someone else.

[Asker]

If you were him would you be more annoyed if I send him a text saying something like "hey I get the hint that you've lost interest but just wanted to let you know I enjoyed getting to know you and wish you the best. Hope we can be friends at least"

[Metal189]

girl i like, went missing for a year, without telling me what she was doing...girls do the same thing

[Asker]

This is very true

[Anonymous]

He decided you weren't worth the effort. Either you made it too hard for him, or after taking a test drive he doesn't want what you're selling.

[biggie90]

I do it because the girl becomes too needy or is just plain crazy.

[Asker]

I didn't do anything needy though! I always let him initiate grrr :( so confused

[Chris011]

Maybe he's jealous that you met with his friend? Could explain why he's "disappeared."

[Chris011]

*he has

[Asker]

I don't think so bc he was the one that initiated inviting me with them. Plus my friend was there too and she talked to his friend most of time while me and the guy talked

[Chris011]

Okay nvm then.
Either he is trying to play hard to get. Or he's not that interested anymore.

[Asker]

I agree but I think it's more he prob lost interest. I don't think guys play games like girls do. Plus he's older guy

[Chris011]

Yea that's probably it then.

[Anonymous]

Have you texted him, though? Like you both might just be waiting for the other one to message...

[Asker]

I haven't because I was the last one to have said something to him anyways. And also he was the type to keep in touch with me every day and initiate. If he wanted to play that game I feel like he would've tried that sooner not over a month in don't you think? It's just weird...plus it's been a full week now!

[GoldCobra]

We have to escape from the ladies clenches sometimes

[Asker]

Lol what do you mean

[shacodraco]

To make you miss him :P

[NoblesseOblige]

Met new girls.

[Asker]

So let me ask you this then. Let's say he did meet another girl. When you've been in this situation have you ever still gone back to the first girl or do you completely lose interest in the original girl?

[NoblesseOblige]

If he does come back it means he has no other girls.

[Asker]

It's interesting something like that would happen overnight but oh well

[Melissayo]

Why do guys do that? Why do guys not see that the girl he uses is sometimes best for him?

[NoblesseOblige]

lol whatever. Get over yourself.

[Asker]

Lol!

[Asker]

Well I was more asking in the sense that I know for girls. Or myself for that matter when I've disappeared on a guy bc I met someone else my feelings would completely disappear for the old guy and id shift my emotions to the new guy. Even if the new guy didn't work out I couldn't see the guy I disappeared on in an attractive light again. I'm wondering if this is the same for guys

[NoblesseOblige]

I was replying to that other chick.

And yes, the same thing happens.

[Asker]

Haha oh okay. Well dang. Guess I just wasted a month of my life lol

[NoblesseOblige]

Pretty much.