How to Annoy Me So Much That I Might Hurt You

Taking a break from writing recipe takes today to actually get into a bit of a random, but necessary topic. I don’t know about all of you, but I am a generally laid back person; not much bothers me, I go with the flow, and I find idiots pretty easy to ignore most of the time. I’m not the fighting type either: I’m a talker and a pacifist. Having said that, there are things that REALLY grind my gears that people just can’t seem to help but do to me, thinking it’s appropriate, funny, or simply they do it to piss me off. Most of these things have happened to me lately, so I figured hey, might as well make a take about it.

Without further adieu, here are some things that annoy the absolute shit out of me.

Getting Elbowed in the Ribs

I don’t know about you, but whenever I go quiet around my family, they have the obsessive need to jab me in the ribs with their elbows before giving me the old: “What’s wrong with you?” or “Wake up!” or “Have another drink, party pooper!”

Fucking alcoholics.

That aside, I absolutely cannot fucking stand this whatsoever. First of all: it hurts, secondly: it’s fucking rude, and thirdly: it annoys me because when I’m being quiet, I’m probably in my head and you just rudely snapped me out of whatever I was thinking about! You don’t ever, EVER need to jab me to get my attention, you can simply … you know … tap me on the shoulder. Say my name. Fuck, it’d be less rude to wave your hand in my face, but to jab me directly in the ribs? Does RJ have to get Wayne Brady to choke a bitch?

It’s even worse when I’m caught between two drunk family members and they both take turns jabbing me in the ribs. Then they act surprised when I snap and tell everyone to fuck off before I Jackson Briggs their arms off. Partly because they know it’s a threat and partly because they don’t get the reference.

Fatality, bitch.

Being Poked in the Underarms/Being Tickled

Here’s the thing: little tickle fights between your SO are cute and all, but there’s a damn appropriate time for that kind of stuff. I absolutely hate it when people I know take advantage of the fact that I’m ticklish and abuse the knowledge that more often than not, I’ll let their betrayal go.

The absolute worst is when I go to stretch and my trusted friend digs a finger into my underarm, interrupting my effort to ease my muscles and further making me tense up. Thanks for the muscle spasm, jerk.

You tell them to stop, they make a joke out of it, you try to stretch and they do it again. You get pissed and they get defensive or continue to make a joke out of it. BUT: If you get them back, they get pissed because they: “Don’t like being touched.”


My best buddy no longer does this mind you, but other people still try to come up to me and tickle me, and it straight up makes me soo mad. We aren’t on that level, you can’t touch me like that bro; especially since people LOVE to do it when I’m not paying attention! Seriously, if you come up behind me and grab my sides, DO NOT DARE get pissed at me when I grab your wrists and threaten to destroy you and everything you love.

How to Annoy Me So Much That I Might Hurt You

You aren’t “bae” so the shit ain’t cute, so fucking STAHP.

When People Get Mad at You for Doing Shit That They Do

On the topic of hypocrisy, I hate it when people will neglect you, do shitty things to you, make fun of you, and then get MAD if you do the same shit to them.

They get mad when you try to annoy them on a bad day to cheer them up, but when your day is shit they won’t leave you the fuck alone. They get pissed when you’re running a few minutes late, but whenever they’re late it’s “No big deal.” It’s always okay for them to do everything but it isn’t okay for you to do it. That shit is so annoying that I will stop taking you and your concerns seriously.

So, if you want to be a hypocritical douche, be prepared for me to adorn my blade gauntlet and Assassin’s Creed your ass like I’m Ratonhnhaké:ton

When Strangers Try to Chat Me Up While I have Headphones on

The only time it is acceptable for you to approach and chat up a girl with headphones on is if you make some heated eye contact and she takes them out, or if she’s on the street in broad daylight. Even then it’s a hit and miss, so be wary.

For me personally, headphones say one thing: I don’t want to talk to you. If I did, when you gave me that: what’s-up-shawty?-look, I would respond by smiling and taking them out. But if I all but ignore your existence and refuse to look at you, I don’t want to talk to you, period. Because I CAN’T HERE YOU OVERTOP OF CURT COBAIN GOD DAMN IT!

I’m really not trying to be rude, but as somebody with GA disorder, going out in public places by myself can be a bit rough, so when I get cornered by somebody who starts trying to pick me up when I don’t even realize they exist until they’re half-way through asking me for my number, I’m bound to get irritable. I won’t show it, but the fire is real, trust me.

Make eye contact. Smile. Wait for the headphones to come out/wait for an obvious “come hither” sign. Otherwise, please exit stage left.

When People Argue About the Price of an Item … and then Leave the Item Anyway

This … drives … me … up … the … wall.

I am all for price matching and finding deals, the economy is shit – I get it. I do. But here’s the thing: you have to make your list and check it twice to be sure that the item you found in the flyer is the same amount as the item featured OR that the sale is still even applicable. You don’t go, assume that because it’s the same brand that you’re going to get it for a buck-fifty, even though you didn’t double check the flyer, get 20 of them, and then ARGUE with the cashier about the fucking price while you hold up the entire line behind you!

Bitch that is what customer service is for!

If they tell you that you can’t get the 1.5 liter Miracle Whip for the price of the 475 ml Miracle whip (you know, the one that’s actually on sale in the flyer) then take their damn word for it, don’t shit there and bitch about how the flyer is confusing, or the labeling is somehow wrong. Don’t hold up the whole line behind you over the price of 20 tubs of fucking mayo for half a damn hour and then tell the clerk after arguing that you no longer want the mayo. But then change your mind two or three times and leave with 2 things of undiscounted mayo because, even though you were being a brat, you realized that you can’t as easy fap with ketchup.

Read the flyer closely and go to customer service you self entitled jerk. OR, simply leave the item behind, don’t argue for 20-30 minutes and ignore the fact that there are hangry people behind you who want to go home because it’s a Saturday morning and they have other shit to do.


That is all I’m going to include for this take, I hope you all got a kick out of it because I sure got my fill of free therapy for the day. As always, TGIF and thank you so much for reading. Feel free to include some things that annoy you in the comments below!


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What Guys Said 2

  • The one that come up most often for me is talking to me while I'm reading. I don't mind being interrupted, it's being interrupted repeatedly because I answer the question or respond with a monosyllable, a clear signal I don't want to have a casual conversation and then I wait... a minute or so to see if there is anything else... nothing so I go back to reading get down half a page so I'm completely immersed in the book again and then they start back up, repeat. It's like somebody waiting until you are asleep to talk to you then stopping until you are asleep again. I'm not sure but I think that is widely recognized as a form of torture.

  • Edward Kenway can kick Connor's ass at any second! :P

    Should've put him instead.


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