GAGers! You got jokes?

I don't know about you, but I like to laugh and enjoy life. Life is simple; people make it complicated. Let's see if people on this site actually know how to have a little fun. Give me your best jokes. Then, tag someone to challenge them to a joke. GAGers, upvote the jokes you like and downvote the ones you don't like. Top two winners get MHO. If the person you tag doesn't want to play, tag someone else.

*Disclaimer: if you want to be a soul sucking a**hole, go somewhere else!*

Updates:
Y'all have fun. I'm going to dance with my kids, do homework and cook dinner. Be back later!

I'm tagging @BertMacklinFBI @PiuBelloAmante
@Deezyy @BellePepper @fenixx0083 @i_am_repulsive @Mistnigqa808 @propaneaccessories @JackTyler @9mfeo

0|0
11|23

Most Helpful Guy

  • There's this guy who travels constantly for work (we'll say he's a truck driver?), and he loves his wife, but she's such an exorbitantly horny girl that he just can't help but worry about her when he's away... So he goes to a sex shop to buy her a toy... He looks through alll the dildos and vibrators, but he just can't find anything special enough for his piece of mind, when *poor* this little mystic/shaman/whatever appears behind him and says, "I know what you're here for, and I have just what you need"...

    So they go into the back and the mystic pulls out this wooden box, opens it up, and inside is a laquered wooden dildo with all kinds of strange symbols on it. He says, "this very special, it voodoo dick", and seeing that the man was unimpressed, turned to the wooden member and says, "voodoo dick! Door!" And the wooden schmeckle floated up out of it box, zipped over the door, and pounded on it until it was only splinters, at which point he said, "very important! say 'voodoo dick! Box!' to get it to stop".

    The man, now *thoroughly* impressed, buys the item, runs home to his wife, and tells her, "honey! Sweetie! I got you this magic dildo, it's called a voodoo dick! All you do is say 'voodoo dick! ... and then whatever you want it to fuck, and it'll fuck it!" (i know... such crass language... 😵 bit we did agree he was a truck driver...)

    She looked at him incredulously, but thanked him and kissed him goodbye, and before the evening was through she started feeling really, *really* bothered. Before very long she decided to give the voodoo dick a try, so she takes the lid off and says, " voodoo dick! pussy!" And it pleasures her for *hours* and *hours* until she's so satisfied and exhausted she could almost pass out asleep... ... at which point she realizes her husband hadn't told her how to make it stop. Eventually, out of sheer desperation, she gets in her car to drive to the hospital. And the voodoo dick is still going, so she's swerving. and speeding, and blowing through red lights, and eventually she's pulled over.

    She explains about the voodoo dick to the cop, who isn't even a little bit amused, and to which he replies, " voodoo dick my ass!"...

    1|0
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

What Guys Said 22

  • HEY HEY! I got some dog puns!
    Just a warning though -- they can be a bit..."RUFF!"
    And I don't meant just bad, I mean "TERRIER"-ble!
    But I swear, no matter what "HAIRY" situations we get into, I'll try and stay from the "SHIT"zu dog puns!
    I have so many bad dog puns, I could tell you a sad "TAIL" about them--

    One time there was an ugly dog. He aspired to be a game show host. His name was Bob "BARKER." He made it on the show, hosted by "CANINE" O'brien, but then he realized he was so ugly that everyone died. D: The end.

    Feel free to complain about my bad jokes, but I'm just going to tell you know -- you'll be "BARKING" up the wrong tree!
    I guess this is all the puns I have :( "WHELP," it was fun while it lasted.

    3|0
    0|0
  • *knock knock*

    4|1
    0|0
  • A large jet plane has crashed on a farm in the middle of rural New South Wales, feared to be the Prime Minister of Australia's plane. Panic stricken, the local police department has mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering near a tree line that bordered the farm. The sergeant and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor. “Oi!,” the policeman yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine. Do you realize that is the Prime Minister's plane? “Yep.” “Were there any survivors?” “Nope. They all killed straight out, “the farmer answered. “I buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.” “Prime Minister Abbott is dead?” the policeman asked. “Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, “He kept saying he wasn’t, but you know how bad that son of a bitch lies.”

    1|0
    0|0
  • "A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

    "What dear?" She asked gently.

    "I think you bring me bad luck."

    1|0
    0|0
  • Why does Piglet have no friends? 'Cause he plays with Pooh!

    Why can't women play guitar? They're too busy plucking at their G-string.

    How does Helen Keller's parents punish her? By gluing door knobs all over her room.

    1|0
    0|0
  • A man walked into a bar and the bar tender told him if he could make the horse standing outside laugh he would get a free beer. The guy goes up to the horse and when he comes back it starts laughing. The guy returns and asks for his free drink the bar tender says ok one more challenge and you get your free drink. Make the horse cry.
    Again the guy walked up to the horse and when he came back the horse was crying.
    The bartender poured the man a drink and asked how he did it.
    The man replied "I went up to the horse and told him my dick was bigger than his. He laughed. Then I came back and showed him which is when he cried".

    1|0
    0|0
  • What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

    - Harry made it out of the Chamber.

    Feel free to downvote if you're offended, dark humor ftw.

    6|0
    1|0
  • Many Zen teachers, in their pride, vainly boast that they know nothing,
    but it is I alone who have truly succeeded in achieving total ignorance.

    Yeah probably not funny, I'm not
    really a funny person anyway. ^.~

    1|0
    0|0
  • This guy says to his wife. Do you want have sex
    She replied No? Once again he asked his wife
    do you want have sex? She replied again No
    Than he ask her is that your final answer?
    She replied Yes. He said, than I'll phone a
    friend ,

    1|0
    0|0
  • The likelihood of me intentionally making someone laugh is the same as that of an octopus, a platypus, and a hippopotamus finding their way into my house and tweaking my computer so that I would win the next time I challenge my sister to a game of Psychological Predictions. I'll let you know when that happens.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I was gonna say a gay joke, butt fuck it...

    3|1
    1|0
  • I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.

    2|1
    0|0
  • Horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey why the long face". Hahahahahaha it's so dumb it's good!

    1|0
    0|0
  • What's fake, plastic, and made in a rubbermaid factory?

    1|1
    0|0
  • A man walked into a bar and said "Ow"

    2|0
    0|0
  • How black are you willing to go with this? I have a joke but its a tad dark and I don't know if it would be up everyones alley.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Damn I have 0 sense of humor...

    1|0
    0|0
  • Did anybody else hear about the tornado in Chicago?

    1|0
    0|0
  • Roses r red
    Violets r blue
    I've got a gun
    GET IN THE VAN

    2|0
    0|0
  • Ready for a dirty one?

    What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

    0|1
    0|0
  • There's a girl in Britain called Jack.

    0|0
    0|0
  • a person with only one arm walks into a second hand store...

    3|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 10

Loading...