Girls, what do you think of my stupid poem?

A girl I like writes poetry. I wanted to understand her, I guess, so I decided to write a poem about her. I think it's kind of manipulative/transparent to be like "oh I wrote this poem" when I've never written a poem in my life or been interested in poetry, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing about she'd react.

So I want to hear how you'd react if you got my poem and read it was about you. I want to show it to someone, and all my friends and family would make fun of me, so I'm showing some strangers.

"My heart became a bit heavy,

and I didn't even realize it.

And so when I saw the butterfly,

I only saw how fragile she was.

But then she reached out,

and I dreamt about falling through the open air.

So maybe fragility is lightness,

a willingness to be tossed around by gusts of wind,

in exchange for the chance to fly. "

Updates:
Thanks for the kind words everyone. It means a lot to me!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Very melodramatic, like all teenage poetry.

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    • I've been thinking this too, honestly. I think that the first two lines are a bit overwrought, and the line about open air was definitely a case of intentionally pretentious in exchange for imagery I liked.

      But having never written poetry (though I'm a pretty avid writer) I am honestly surprised at how tough revision has been. Normal writing isn't nearly so demanding in cutting down word count!

      Anyway, I'm just making excuses. But I did want to say that to quite some extent I do agree.

What Girls Said 7

  • I write and read poetry often, so it's nice to read something by someone that doesn't use a rhyming scheme. It seems like the people I know who write poetry use trite rhymes, and you didn't... so I appreciate that. I like the use of metaphor, and I think the last 3 lines are the strongest. I can totally see those last three lines as a quote in a typewriter font, placed on a photograph on Pinterest or Tumblr. I mean that in a good way, though. This girl will like this poem, I'm sure. :)

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  • Speaking as a mild poetry enthusiast, I enjoyed this piece. It's simple, but has deent readability and presents an eloquent analogy. Do show it to her! I think she'll love it.

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    • *decent. Frick, my spelling is not at its best this early in the morning.

  • That's actually really beautiful. Well done

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  • that was very beautiful

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  • I think it sounded a bit bumpy... Adding a rhyme scheme would help the words blend well :)

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    • Thanks for the honest feedback! Rereading it, I thought so as well.

  • Why do you need people to validate that your poem isn't stupid lol. Low self esteem issues.

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  • Just show it to her! My boyfriend shares his writing with me and it's honestly one of my favorite parts about our relationship. Like you said, people don't understand how vulnerable you are when you write and more so when you show people that writing. If she writes poetry herself, she'll understand that vulnerability and probably appreciate the act. It's not like what you've written is bad at all, so just go for it!

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