What do you think of this story?

I wrote this when I was bored after taking my Keystones. (State mandatory tests)
I edited it multiple times, and I think I did better on this one than my others.

https://www.wattpad.com/207855947-my-collection-of-short-stories-and-poetry-roaming


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Nice - Alice in Wonderland meets Utopia - I feel it is the start of something, I would like to see it expanded, the ideas played with, not as the next great novel but a chance for your psyche to process the concepts - You have left it open you could go fluffy, spiritual even dark (it is all fake, a show).

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Most Helpful Girl

What Guys Said 4

  • I like it. Is that the whole thing though? Or if I sign up to that thing does the story continue?

    Although, I can still pick out a few mistakes but you're only 16 so pretty good. The actual story is better than the grammar and punctuation.

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  • You definitely painted a few pictures with it but it could use a bit more depth. Maybe describe things a bit more, people don't normally just open mysterious doors and quickly step through... take your time, what do you see?
    Technically vertigo is not like fainting at all. With vertigo all sense of direction is turned around, behind becomes the new down.
    Whereas fainting is becoming light headed and passing out, sometimes loosing consciousness.

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  • Fuck that shit I'm not signing up.

    It was pretty okay I guess, but I would work on comma, semicolon, and dash usage. It would make the sentences flow better.

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  • kinda irked. i wanna read more n there's nothing more to read. like how u used the word bore.

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What Girls Said 0

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