An excerpt from my book, what do you think?

He had hundreds of wires hooked up to him, a I. V. a breathing machine and his head and body was wrapped up in bandages that were stained slightly with blood spots. I'll never forget the constant beeping sounds and the sound of the machine made when it pumped air into his lungs, like Darth Vader breathing, it was the most mournful sight having to see my brother like that let alone as a 3 year old. I changed the names to protect my families identities, its my auto biography i am currently writting to finish. Does it make you want to read it? For those thinking of plagiarizing i wouldn't, i have doccumentation and no consent to be copied and the law.

Updates:
I put it in entertainment and arts because writing can be an art form if done properly and it can entertain
Sorry for the misspelt dp, its supposed to be do

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Most Helpful Girl

  • - An IV, not 'a I. V.'
    - A respirator, not a breathing machine
    - His head and body WERE wrapped up, not was wrapped up
    - The use of your pop culture reference (Darth Vader) actually kinda makes the writing comical when you want it to be super serious and sad, not funny.

    You need to make sure that your grammar is correct and you work on creating the right tone and atmosphere but it could work out.

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    • At the time i was 3, i didn't know what a respirator was, i was writting it as i saw and thought at that time for that specific times, as for was wrapped, i used was because its past tense, it happened 25 years ago, as for hundreds of wires, it looked like that to me though i know hundreds weren't possible, i wrote it as i did when i was 5 and wrote about the experience for a writing assignment in kidden garten with the help of the teacher, it was when my brother was almost crushed to death between two security gates from a freak accident when he was 6, his forehead was split open and had dozens of broken bones and was in a coma for a long time and had brain damage.
      It is a rough draft and i go back and fix mistakes before doing the final draft before printing, also the darth vader reference is because at that age his breathing was the only sound i knew that was similar and how to describe it

    • - At 3 years old, you also didn't know most of the vocabulary that you do now, it doesn't mean that you write the book as if you were 3.

      - Even if it is past tense, 'was' is grammatically incorrect. Was would only be acceptable if you were talking about just one thing, e. g. his head was wrapped. You are talking about more than one thing (his head and his body) and because of that, you have to use 'were' because it works for the plural. 'Was' isn't correct for a plural, even in past tense.

      - I didn't say anything about the wires, so that's fine.

      - Meh, like I said, for me it just kinda ruins the tone to reference Star Wars in this particular tone, but it's your book.

    • The wires i was just explaining a head of time, no worries, as for the were you are correct, i was writting it when i was 5 or 6 not 3, i was three when it happened but the assignment was when i was 5 or 6, as for most of those words i did know what they were, the ones i didn't the teacher helped me with, as for the vader making it less sad, dont want readers going about depressed, my brother did pull through and the first thing he said was "wheres my gummy bears" it was his favorite snack and had them with him at the time. The entire auto biography isn't meant to have a sad tone, but more of a hardships won through kind of tone, depending on the time fram sometimes itll be sad while others funny and other emotions. 😄 but i do appreciate the feedback, thanks for reminding me about were, completely forgot about that

Most Helpful Guy

  • Hundreds of wires? LOL
    Breathing machine=respirator
    Head and body WERE wrapped, not was wrapped.

    Buy "The Elements of Style"
    Practice, practice, practice
    Study grammar.

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    • At the time i was 3, i didn't know what a respirator was, i was writting it as i saw and thought at that time for that specific times, as for was wrapped, i used was because its past tense, it happened 25 years ago, as for hundreds of wires, it looked like that to me though i know hundreds weren't possible, i wrote it as i did when i was 5 and wrote about the experience for a writing assignment in kidden garten with the help of the teacher, it was when my brother was almost crushed to death between two security gates from a freak accident when he was 6, his forehead was split open and had dozens of broken bones and was in a coma for a long time and had brain damage

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    • Good. Then good luck!

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