Can you tell me a funny joke?

Tell me the funniest joke you have heard before. Whoever gives the best joke gets MHO.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • A man is really really drunk and stumbles home, he vomits all over himself and passes out, the next morning he wakes up to find himself bathed, his laundry all done and smells a big big breakfast cooking in the kitchen. He goes downstairs and finds his wife cooking and smiling. He asks, 'Why did you do all this for me?'
    She says, ' I was really made at you until when I was getting you out of your clothes, you came to long enough to say. "GET YOU'RE DAMN HANDS OFF ME WOMAN, I'M A MARRIED MAN" and then passed out again'

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Tom gets drunk at the Pub and as he falls of his chair, decides to go home. Unable to walk, he crawls out of the pub, across the street and up the stairs into his bed, finally falling asleep next ro his wife. The next morning he wakes up to his wife looking at him.
    "Did you go to the pub again, Tom?" she asks him.
    "No," he defends himself. "How did you get that idea?"
    "The bartender just called," she replies. "You forgot your wheelchair."

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What Guys Said 14

  • A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

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  • What does phd stand for?

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  • I wouldn't say Trump is a racist, but he refuses to look at the stars because the sky is black.

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  • A really drunk guy is trying to get home. On his way he decides to cut across the graveyard to save time. In the dark he trips, falls and passes out into a freshly dug grave. After a while he wakes up and starts to moan "I'm cold!". At that moment the grave digger passed by, looked into the grave and sees the drunk. "Well, of course you're cold! You unburied yourself again!"

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  • Jesus decided to go back to earth to find out if people still know him.

    He walks in the street and nobody is saying anything at him at all. So he ask some people on the street if they know him, the first ones answer him that they don't him. Then he ask it another one and he answers, no I don;t know you but you are probably a relative of John because I saw your picture at his house. :-)

    Sorry, I am not good at telling jokes ;-)

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  • a man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. she sees it and says "oh so do u expect me to spread my legs now?" he says "why? dont you have a vase you can put them in?"

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  • why did trump pick bannon to be his chief strategsit? because he knew he couldn't run the country on his own terms. he had to have a dick run it for him

    it's funny, cause, well, it's true

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  • What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
    - Shoe!

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  • -Tell me the funniest joke you have heard before.
    -Your life.

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  • No..

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  • A KKK member, a Jew, a black person, and a Muslim walk into the same bar.
    Joke complete.

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  • How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it

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  • Would it be cheating to look something up?

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  • what do you call a gay guy with diarrhea

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What Girls Said 6

  • A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

    The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine."

    The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he says slowly, "we never waste booze—and we have plenty of New Yorkers."

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  • A man dealing with premature rjacuation goes to the doctor. Doc, this premature ejaculation is really affecting my marriage, what can I do? Doctor says when you feel like you are about to prematurely ejaculate do something to surprise yourself and the sensation will pass.
    On the way home the man is thinking of what he can do when he passes a sporting goods store. He swings in and purchases a starter pistol.
    Excited to try out this method he rushes home, finds his wife in bed and begins to fool around with her. He suddenly thinks he's about to prematurely ejsculate, so he reaches for the starter pistol and fires a shot.
    The next day he's back at the doctors who asks how it worked out. The man replies "not good doc, not good at all. We started going at it, found ourselves in the 69 position when I felt I was going to ejaculate so I fired the starter pistol" the doctor says, "and?"
    "my wife bit off half my cock, shit on my face and my best friend came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air saying DON'T SHOOT!!"

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  • This is funny cause all the girls I did this to didn't expect it lol. It's kinda long to write and I don't know if I can explain it well ahahaha

    A man decides to go to a whore for the first time, they do the deed and then he goes out for a smoke. The whore comes up to him and says, "you're smoking a Marlboro" without looking at it. The man asks her how she knew that, and she replies "whores know everything". The day after the man goes to the same whore, when they're done he goes out for a smoke and she comes up to him and says "you're smoking a Camel" again, without looking at the brand. He asks her again how she knew it and she replies "whores know everything". The day after, he goes back again, and smokes another cigarette to see if she noticed it.

    Now, when you tell it you gotta say "so the whore comes up to him and says, You're smoking..." and you ask the girl you're telling this to tell you another cigarette brand. She'll tell you another brand, let's say Winston, and you gotta say "well whores know everything"

    It's not a great joke but the fun part is the people's reaction lol

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  • The new president

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  • Why was Helen Keller's leg wet? Her dog was blind too.
    Did you hear that new Helen Keller joke? Dont worry, neither did she.
    Lololol these are my all time funniest. (No offense to anyone)

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  • Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!

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