While checking my phone during lunch on a hectic Saturday at work, I found I’d missed a call from my friend Ian- he left a message asking me if I wanted to go to the local Food and Wine show later that night. Without giving it a second thought, I called him back and agreed to go, telling him I would call him after work to figure out the details. We decided to go out for dinner and then to the show with his sister and her fiancé.
While this might seem the perfect evening for a couple, or even budding one, the thought never crossed my mind as we strolled amongst the vendors sampling beer and desserts. Earlier when he offered to pay for dinner in the easy way he sometimes does when we eat out alone, I let him knowing I would be the one to purchase admission and drink tickets. I had a good time, laughing at the foodies and watching the guys try exotic beers best left in the back of the breweries that created them. After parking in his driveway and the pause before “do you want to come in?”, most people might think they can anticipate where the evening was going.
But this sort of occurrence is so frequent between Ian and me that I knew he really was asking whether I wanted to come in and hang out or was tired and wanted to go home. And, my assent lead to nothing more remarkable than watching a CSI rerun and chatting with his roommates before hugging Ian good night and going home- alone and without regrets.
Most people will say that this sort of easy relationship between the opposite sex is the result of unacknowledged romantic feelings of one or both parties or a refusal of two exes to let go of one another. In fact, neither is true- Ian and I are both in happily committed relationships and have never dated or even been close. So, if that’s the case, why did we go to the show together rather than with our significant others? And why is it such a common practice for the two of us to hang out alone?
The fact is, if my boyfriend hadn’t been working, he would’ve come and if Ian’s girlfriend had been home, she would have too- but neither minds the time we spend together. Ian and I go out with other people (our partners included) just as often as we hang out together, and generally speaking we only go out alone once in awhile. We lead separate lives most of the time, but we talk once a week to catch up, unless one of us has something important to talk about or is upset about something. I love my boyfriend and I know from listening to Ian that his girlfriend is always first and foremost in his thoughts. Our partners know this, respect our friendship for what it is and neither of us is a sore point in the other’s relationship. Yet despite all of this, I often find myself answering pointed questions from friends and acquaintances about our “friendship” and denying implications that it’s meant to be more than that.
The truth of the matter is that Ian and I have been friends for a very long time and experienced so many of life’s ups and downs together that it forged a strong bond between us, akin to family but with the frankness only good friends share. We take pleasure in each other’s company much the same way friends of the same gender do. I like that Ian will go out for a beer with me and have a few laughs rather than demanding the details of what’s bothering me. And he likes that he can call me and analyse his relationship to death, sure of a woman’s perspective without me ever becoming impatient about his need to go over the facts a hundred times. On top of that, we know each other (and ourselves) well enough to know that we’re great as friends, but we couldn’t meet each other’s needs in a romantic relationship.
For all of the affection and closeness between us, there has never been attraction or the desire for more than what we are. I’m simply glad to have a friend in my life who’s been there for me through new jobs to friends passing away, who will tell it to me straight when I’m being unreasonable, and is someone I always have a blast with. Having such a great friendship with Ian while maintaining a stable, happy committed relationship with my boyfriend often leads me to the question- why can’t men and women be friends?
While this might seem the perfect evening for a couple, or even budding one, the thought never crossed my mind as we strolled amongst the vendors sampling beer and desserts. Earlier when he offered to pay for dinner in the easy way he sometimes does when we eat out alone, I let him knowing I would be the one to purchase admission and drink tickets. I had a good time, laughing at the foodies and watching the guys try exotic beers best left in the back of the breweries that created them. After parking in his driveway and the pause before “do you want to come in?”, most people might think they can anticipate where the evening was going.
But this sort of occurrence is so frequent between Ian and me that I knew he really was asking whether I wanted to come in and hang out or was tired and wanted to go home. And, my assent lead to nothing more remarkable than watching a CSI rerun and chatting with his roommates before hugging Ian good night and going home- alone and without regrets.
Most people will say that this sort of easy relationship between the opposite sex is the result of unacknowledged romantic feelings of one or both parties or a refusal of two exes to let go of one another. In fact, neither is true- Ian and I are both in happily committed relationships and have never dated or even been close. So, if that’s the case, why did we go to the show together rather than with our significant others? And why is it such a common practice for the two of us to hang out alone?
The fact is, if my boyfriend hadn’t been working, he would’ve come and if Ian’s girlfriend had been home, she would have too- but neither minds the time we spend together. Ian and I go out with other people (our partners included) just as often as we hang out together, and generally speaking we only go out alone once in awhile. We lead separate lives most of the time, but we talk once a week to catch up, unless one of us has something important to talk about or is upset about something. I love my boyfriend and I know from listening to Ian that his girlfriend is always first and foremost in his thoughts. Our partners know this, respect our friendship for what it is and neither of us is a sore point in the other’s relationship. Yet despite all of this, I often find myself answering pointed questions from friends and acquaintances about our “friendship” and denying implications that it’s meant to be more than that.
The truth of the matter is that Ian and I have been friends for a very long time and experienced so many of life’s ups and downs together that it forged a strong bond between us, akin to family but with the frankness only good friends share. We take pleasure in each other’s company much the same way friends of the same gender do. I like that Ian will go out for a beer with me and have a few laughs rather than demanding the details of what’s bothering me. And he likes that he can call me and analyse his relationship to death, sure of a woman’s perspective without me ever becoming impatient about his need to go over the facts a hundred times. On top of that, we know each other (and ourselves) well enough to know that we’re great as friends, but we couldn’t meet each other’s needs in a romantic relationship.
For all of the affection and closeness between us, there has never been attraction or the desire for more than what we are. I’m simply glad to have a friend in my life who’s been there for me through new jobs to friends passing away, who will tell it to me straight when I’m being unreasonable, and is someone I always have a blast with. Having such a great friendship with Ian while maintaining a stable, happy committed relationship with my boyfriend often leads me to the question- why can’t men and women be friends?
Most Helpful Opinions