Most of us have that one friend. The friend that drains us so much, that after associating ourselves with them leaves us drained emotionally. They pick us apart, put us down, and leech off of us, all with a fake smile on their face. Despite this, we always find ourselves coming back, being a doormat to these people for no exact reason. Why do we keep coming back when all these people do is coat us in their toxicity?
Toxicity, huh? Well, that may be a sign that you have a toxic person on your hands, and this person may be closer to you than you think.
The first step to minimizing their effects is being able to spot them. Being a victim of these types of people, I will give you some pointers on how they act so that you can effectively single them out and put a stop to them before they hurt you even more.
Do they only come around when they need something from you?
This person likes to come out of the woodwork when you have something that they want. They like to use you because you have assets like a car, money, vacations, etc. They may even try to get buddy-buddy with you to force yourself into your relationship. This type of person is toxic because they will use you until you run out of these these things and will crawl back into the shadows when you are used up. They won’t do want true friends do and offer support to you. When you confront them they will become angry, and try to cover their ass.
This type of person is a major red flag.
Do you do favors for them and it’s never enough?
If you feel like you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, chances are it’s true. You skipped your yoga class for them. You lent them some money. Instead of saying “thank you” they always come back for more, more, more. It’s never enough for them. It always seems like every week they want something else from you, or they criticize what you do for them. They are never grateful.
Are they never happy for your accomplishments?
You tell them something great that happened to you, but they’ll always find a reason why it isn’t so great. They’ll pick it apart and spit it right back out at you. A true friend would feel some sort of joy for what you’ve accomplished and will be happy for you and won’t criticize why you’re happy. You don’t need their approval, or anyone’s for that matter.
Do they constantly talk about themselves?
A friend who always talks about themselves may come off as narcissistic. Narcissistic people who constantly talk about themselves and their problems without taking in consideration how you may feel are leeches. They’re never interested in how you are feeling and are always changing the topic onto themselves. You may notice that they brag a lot, whether it be about their accomplishments, vacations, boyfriends or girlfriends, the fact that they got laid, or material possessions. They always have to seem better than you.
Do they pressure you to do things?
They’ll always test you, and make you choose between them or whatever else you have to do. Somehow you always choose them. You don’t want to upset them or make them upset with you. When they realize that you’re loyal to them, that’s when they’ll unleash the drama. “Oh, but if you really cared about me, you’d skip your date night with your boyfriend.” When you end up doing this they will always want more to fill their bottomless pit of approval. But it will never be enough. Ever.
Do they constantly put you down?
We all make mistakes, but a person who is toxic will make it loud and clear to you. They’ll pick you apart and put all your flaws and wrong-doings on blast. There’s a difference between brutal honesty and relentless criticism, and when the criticism becomes hurtful they won’t apologize for hurting you. When you call them out on this, they’ll become defensive and resort to passive aggressive remarks before realizing their own faults.
Do they ignore you?
They obviously have some sort of connection to the online world, but they always leave you in the dust with unread messages, voicemails, emails, whatever. They leave you wondering what you did to upset them or hurt them. But maybe they are just ignoring you, and it may not be for any exact reason. They’re just ignoring you to get back at you for something miniscule you did. When they do call you back, it’s always “I’m sorry, I was doing something” or “I was busy.” That will be the only reason they’ll answer too, to tell you how busy they were, and will always avoid talking with you.
A true friend won’t do this. They’ll always get back to you and if there’s an issue, they'll always try to talk with you and sort it out.
Or maybe when they’re out with their friends, they’ll ditch you and and "forget" to introduce you to their friends. Every time you try to spark up a conversation he/she ignores you and continues to talk to their friend. This is a sign of insecurity masquerading as coolness; it's unkind and unwanted.
they expect you to be there for them when something goes wrong but are nowhere to be found when you need help. Friends who do this leave you feeling more lonely than you realise.
Are they two-faced?
They smile in your face, but they’ll put you down by talking about you passive-aggressively around others. Or they’ll go behind your back and will talk about you to others, making you look bad. Or maybe when you need help, they'll be there, acting like the best friend in the world to gradually gain your trust.
These types of people are toxic because they can ruin you reputation intentionally all while masquerading as a true friend. Fake friends are toxic friends.
Do they ever apologize?
They’ll lie before they apologize, so there's no point in trying to confront them for their faults. They’ll twist the facts, pick and choosing what they want to believe so much that they'll start to believe the bs coming from their own mouth.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just do it. Sometimes there is no point trying to change them. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
Do they manipulate?
If you feel as though you’re the only one putting effort into a relationship, you may be exactly correct. Toxic people love to make you believe that you owe them something and will go to great lengths to get it. They will take and make sure that it will sting, then they will make you believe that they were doing it for you. You will mainly see this in one-sided friendships or in the workplace. "I thought you would enjoy doing this homework for me. You're the smartest kid in the class." Or "Could you cook all the food for my party? You're a much better cook than me. I need them by 5 pm, K?"
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn't feel like a favor, then it is probably not.
I can go on and on with more warning signs, but these are the main things I've noticed when dealing with them. So, now you know how to single out toxic people. What do you do?
Build a bridge, and break it.
Don't get me wrong, toxic people may not necessarily bad people, and things may have happened that allowed them to get this way, but if you are tired of dealing with the negativity that they bring, and the constant attacks made against you, you may want to get them out of your life. Breaking up is not just for couples, and in some cases, it may be for the best.
So, if you answered yes to any of these questions, you may need to rethink your relationships with these people, and decide for yourself what may be the best for you. Negativity is toxic, and if they bring it, you may need to start building that bridge and cutting ties with them. You don't deserve this. In fact, it may be time to start thinking about your well-being.
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