Mom, I Feel Hatred For You

[Stacyzee]

Dear Mom,

As I reflect back on my teenage years, I remember being overcame with nothing but

hate in my blood for you.

I couldn't imagine myself ever feeling that way because before those years, I had nothing but unconditional love in my heart.

When Grandma died of breast cancer in her early 60's, that became your breaking point in life.

By then, you had already lost a father and three brothers who never got to see it past the age of 32.

All you did was drink, drink, and drink to hide your sorrows.

I remember seeing Dad screaming your name as you passed out drunk in the living room, to wake up and come to the bedroom.

You weren't yourself and you haven't been for a long time.

All of your anger has been directed towards me since that point.

There's not one vulgar word you haven't called me in the dictionary.

I remember the many times I heard you call me out of my name,

you never ever stopped at just one insult.

You'd follow me around like a big bully and degrade me

with demeaning words for hours.

When I would close my bedroom door to get away from you,

You would bang it open and shout "This is my house open the fucking door!"

I remember in the pit of rage cursing back at you,

in an attempt to defend myself.

Little did I know, an argument with you, was one

in which I could never win because no matter what you'd say,

"A child should always respect their parents".

You would even have Dad side with you too.

Sometimes I would curl up and cry because I had no more fight.

The older I grew into my teens, the less those words would hurt me, in fact I would

use them back against you.

You would ask yourself, "How could my daughter be so rude?"

Newsflash! Mom! I learned from the best, I got it all from you!

The deeper I get into my adulthood it's evident to me that you will not change.

You continue to drink alcohol on a daily basis.

Every conversation we have ends with words of aggression.

I wish I could turn back time and and even if it were just for one moment see the woman I once loved.

I miss her so much, to me she has passed on.

I just want you to know, that despite what you put me through, I can never truly hate you.

I'm just angry at the pain you continue to bring into my life.

I just miss those days where I knew what it felt like for a daughter to love her Mother.

As time progresses and things stay the same, I know I'll never relive those days.

[SuperBryan]

I can give some sympathy. My mum has restricted me from all sorts of electronics and video games ever since I was the age of seven.. She has taken away my friends and social life but not allowing me to have a phone to talk to my friends or see them. I have bought laptops and gaming consoles and such for myself but they have all been destroyed. My mum loves putting me down and she uses my sister as an ally of insulting me constantly. She has driven me to the point of attempted suicide and continues to make me miserable. She doesn't drink, luckily, and she still hits me because I refuse to fight back in any way. Fortunately, my dad has always been there for me and he does what he can to give me some forms of freedom. But he sticks to the limits of my mum because he doesn't want to get into arguments with her. I can understand what you have gone through. My heart goes out to you

[FallOutBoy2001]

*hug* I'm sorry, luv. My mom is like that too. She doesn't drink, but I remember her "breaking" around my 5th birthday, when her best friend and my godmother died. Never been the same since

[Stacyzee]

<3 Thank you for your support.
My condolences. I really hope things get better.

[FallOutBoy2001]

Thanks ❤️

[bloodmountain1990]

Sorry to hear that.

I had issues with my father growing up. He wasn't an alcoholic but he was just emotionally abusive, controlling, instilling fear into us, and just blowing things out of proportion most of the time.

It caused me to have anxiety, depression, and other things.

Makes me really happy I don't live with him anymore.

[Stacyzee]

Our parents are supposed to help nurture and help us grow. It's a shame that they have the adverse effect on us.
My heart goes out to you <3

[CancerianMan81]

I've went through it myself

[CancerianMan81]

you ain't alone @Stacyzee

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

Do any of y'all ever show this stuff to the people it was intended for? I've always genuinely been curious

This is 100% rhetorical, but why does it feel like most of the people on here have miserable lives with abusive parents? I mean this is in essence, a dating question site. How did it attract so many of this demographic? 🤔... These are the questions that keep me up at night 😳

Also, good take? I don't know how it works for takes like these... Whatever the equivalent of good job is 👍. Here's a cookie 🍪

[Stacyzee]

"Do any of y'all ever show this stuff to the people it was intended for?"
I will not show her this letter because I know it will not make a difference.
I remember writing her countless letters as a teen. She would hug me up and told me she really "heard me through my writing". She would be better towards me for a few days, but then her behavior would be exactly the same. I know I'd waste my time.
This letter was just for a release because I've been feeling exhausted from our relationship.
"Why does it feel like most of the people on here have miserable lives with abusive parents?" I think most people have unhappiness in their lives (even if its temporary), whether it be at the hands of their own family, relationships, co-workers, etc. Life isn't perfect. People often use writing has a way to vent. Some people quickly get over their mood that they write about, while others have wounds so deep that it effects them for life.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

y'all shoulda had an intervention and aa classes. Also surprised child services never did anything... Then again, you're 30 and probably before that was a thing

Yeah, I know it was for venting, but I was just wondering

Well, I've seen quite a few takes and questions from pretty reputable users about how they had abusive or parents or relationships that fought or parents that weren't there altogether. I've been depressed. I'm pretty sure everyone has, but I mean having r da happen to you don't typically happen to the average person. At least for me. So it seems, to me, to be a disproportionately high amount of people

[Stacyzee]

All of those services cost money.
My parents are very private about their issues, they would never even think or consider those things besides its costs.
CPS has been around for 43 years (It was first established in 1973). Before the both of our times.
Yes, my home was somewhat dysfunctional but I don't think it was the worse to where I should have gotten removed. Sometimes Foster care can turn out to be even worse than the initial situation itself, so it's not something I would have hoped for.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

I mean I'm surprised someone didn't say, you need to go to aa or have an intervention... It's rarely the people who need help who realize they need it first

I meant more like a teacher noticing or saying something. Like what's her face can speak more on it, but teachers and counselors and others in admin for schools are trained to look out for that type of stuff. I don't think it was nearly as developed as it was even when I was a kid

[Stacyzee]

She's a functional addict. She can cover it up well. The only reason why I knew was because I lived with her , other than that I would have never known.
She knows she's has a problem , she probably didn't know it then. She wouldn't take the help even if it were offered. She's a very private person and not comfortable discussing any issues.

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

Fair enough! Like I said, it was more rhetorical than anything. I actually didn't expect you to answer

[Stacyzee]

I always answer my comments :) u'll see that about me.

[Unit1]

But we're told we're supposed to love our parents and almighty forbid we don't, regardless of their actions. If we don't then we're alienated. (because they are parents...)
i2.kym-cdn.com/.../83b.png

I know what you're saying. There are just prolonged, running moments burned into the memories, that renders us unable to love or forgive certain persons for the damage they have done. I will never understand these people, who say we should (because they are idiots).

I can go for all eternity of venting and ranting but I see it more like a needless waste of energy. There is no undo unfortunately.
I just keep in mind the past, do something in the present and look forward for the future.

I have similar feels as you have.

[RasmusAiken]

I'm so sorry for these painful memories. {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you, girl.

"I miss her so much, to me she has passed on."

That is how I dealt with my father's alcoholism. I continued to see him. I was polite. But I could never trust him, or confide in him, didn't really care what he was saying and truly wished he would just pass on. . . . . finally he did. I had no tears for him then because to me he had died 8 years earlier.

[Stacyzee]

<3 Thank you so much for your support.
My heart goes out to what you experienced. It's a shame that in our situation we had no control over how our own family treated us.

[RasmusAiken]

Yeah, we don't get to pick our parents. Unfortunately the only qualification for being a parent is to know how to, well. . . . procreate.
By default, my dad (because he wasn't there) taught me how to be independent at an early age and never to turn to alcohol as a solution for anything.
You have learned to express yourself well and to aid others who are seeking solutions to life's problems. Through your suffering verbal abuse bullying and neglect did your mom have any part in developing that? because I think in some ways our tough times make us stronger.

[RicanEyes]

WOW!! You just poured out your soul my eyes got watery. It takes a big person to share this and not have true hate in their heart. I can relate some what in a different way to this.

[Stacyzee]

Thanks!
I was debating on whether I should share this or not because i usually don't write anything personal. But I am glad I did :)

[RicanEyes]

I love reading deep feeling stuff and emotions.

[JRICHARDS1996]

You almost made me cry :( I am so sorry that your relationship with your mother has been so difficult. I imagine the worst must have been the fact that she turned your father against you. Having one difficult parent is bad enough, but turning the second one against you must have been unbearable.

[lightbethyway777]

My heart goes out to you Stacy you sound like an amazing person & i hope things get better for you and your mom. Stay strong!

[Stacyzee]

<3 Thank you so much for your support.

[AwsomeAmy]

I think you're very brave for writing this and I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you all the best 😊

[Stacyzee]

<3 Thank you for your support.

[AwsomeAmy]

You're very welcome ❤

[worldscolide]

I am in a similar set of shoes. I disconnected with my mom several years ago because i could not be around her negativity, Her self loathing. She was abusive to me as a kid, and that is another reason i just can't be around her. She is also manipulative in the extreme. She could never choose between men, drugs and me, And honestly when those were in her live it was always drugs and men chosen over me. So i cut her out of my life.

[ieshaahmed786]

Such a soulful take! Made me cry. It's takes a very very brave to share this. Thumbs up 👍🏻👍🏻 to u!

[Stacyzee]

<3 Thank you for your support.

[ieshaahmed786]

Ur welcome 😄

[BDJohnson]

I sure do miss my mom every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I long for a hug and an encouraging word. Her unconditional love was priceless. Love her so much. But I know someday I will see her again.

[peachblossomluck]

Be the nurturing mom you need to be to yourself. I know that's weird sounding advice but it helps us heal. That was a beautiful and poignant reflection on mixed feelings toward a dysfunctional parent☆☆☆☆☆

[FashionQueen86]

Sounds like she misses her mother too, but just made a really bad decision in dealing with her depression.

[YourFutureEx]

I hope everything gets alright. I don't think I'd survive without the support of my mom. It's a precious bond.

[akadatank44]

I know your mom is well let's just say a piece of work from what we've talked about before but I guess I can see partly why more. Sorry hun hope all is well!

[Library]

You're not alone. I feel so much hatred for my mom too.

[Anonymous]

I can imagine your story and feelings quite well, based on personal experience.

[Anonymous]

I dont think your mom would be able to read your letter, unless she's a gager too

[Stacyzee]

Writing is a popular way of venting. I don't intend to show this to her.

[serious]

I hope you are ok.

[Stacyzee]

I am, thank you <3

[Youdoyouboo]

I feel your pain.