I Have A Sh** Dad And It Really Upsets Me

[Anonymous]

Backstory: My mom had me at 20 with a guy she had only been dating for 3 months and did not know what kind of person he really was. When I was 8, he went to prison for molesting 2 girls under the age of 15. After he got out of prison, he tried to force me to see him and force visitation on me. He called me names and got very mad at me for me being uncomfortable and not wanting to see him. Ever since I was 17 I have had zero contact with him. His family has also been horrible to me ever since I expressed my discomfort with him and them.

Today: I recently found out that my father has gotten a 21 year old pregnant and had previously dated her mother. I don't know anything more than that right now. This has made my feelings I was already dealing with worse. I really want to be there for this girl if she doesn't want my father in her life for the sake of this kid that will be my sibling.

I don't want this kid to have a similar life to me. I feel like that's going to be difficult to stop though because we have the same father. It will be different, no doubt, but we both have to deal with this man. But basically I have spent the majority of my life without a father figure and it's horrible. I have been reading Harry Potter recently and I got to the part where Harry finds Sirius and he (spoiler)......finds out he is his godfather. Then he basically is Harry's only father figure in his life. I felt so close to Harry's character during those moments.

I felt ridiculous, but I was near tears thinking about how nice and safe that must feel. Imagining having someone to be there like that, it was like no other feeling I had ever had before. It felt so good. So wonderful. My therapist has told me I need to find someone to be a father figure. That is really hard because I have no one in my life who could become that.

I just wish I could have had someone like that as a child. I have spent the last few years telling people that I didn't care about my dad or what happened and I was used to it and it's fine. I really really believed myself. But it's so shitty because not having a dad really sucks. Sometimes I even find myself wanting to seek out my own father for comfort. I know that is not a good idea, and that it just comes from emotions and not rational thought. But it's so hard to not have that and know I could have. My father chose not to be in my life, he chose to make those decisions that took him away from me, he chose to do things that were irresponsible and disgusting. He says that he cares, but he shows me that he doesn't everyday.

Ever since he lost visitation for good and knew it wasn't going his way, he has not said a word to me. I have never received birthday cards or anything like that. I wish with all of my heart that I could have a father. I wish my mom could have found a man she loved when i was younger and that he loved me so I could have had a dad. But that's not going to happen. I am an adult now and I have completely missed out on it. It has affected me in ways I'm not even fully aware of. It's affected how my brain works and how I act in my romantic relationships. I see it in almost every action I make every single day of my life and I hate it.

I know that if I tell all of this to someone, there is nothing they could do or say to make it better. There is nothing anyone can do. I just have to get over it. But that will never happen. I hate it so much.

[Livinglogical]

I'm assuming you had a loving relationship with your mother, some people don't even have that. I understand not having that father figure in your life feels like it left a hole that cannot be filled... but you have to work with the cards life has dealt you. Why your therapist would tell you to find a father figure I don't know... seems sort of creepy if you ask me.

What you need to do is to find your own inner confidence. A 'father' is someone who loves you, protects you and builds you up. But guess what-You can be that to yourself. Make new friends, keep busy, find love and live your life. The pain may never fully go away but you can't control that, you can control your own life though and make yourself happy.

I understand wanting to get involved in your unborn brother or sisters life, but it all honesty it sounds like your dad is toxic and everything he touches turns to crap and sometimes what you have to do is what right for yourself and stay away, stay safe. I would avoid contact, maybe keep track of where they stay and once your bro/sis is older though - you can drop them the odd letter. That way you don't need to go anywhere near your dad.

[myTake Owner]

I do have a great relationship with my mom. And I disagree that it is creepy to find a father figure. It is healthy for a young person to have role models. And seeking one out is not bad. It is hard, though.

[Livinglogical]

As long as she meant as a role model and not 'date a father figure' which is why to me, s/he shouldn't have suggested such a thing, because you could have interpreted it as encouragement to date an older guy to replace your father.

[myTake Owner]

That is not at all how he suggested it nor could I have ever taken it that way.. I don't even know how you drew that conclusion. Of course he would not suggest I date a "father figure". He told me to find one, that's it.

[MrMysteryMan]

I look at my daughter and I just can't imagine hurting her in any way. So when I hear things like this, it still boggles my mind that someone can be so selfish and hurtful as your dad was. Actually, you shouldn't really call him "father" any more. That's number one for you to help you try and move on from his thoughts. He was never your "father". A father is a man that takes care and does care for their children. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself if you ask me. His family is just as bad. How could a anyone support abusers of any sort? I'm sure he wasn't treated great either by his so called "family" either when he was younger.

But anyhow, it would be best that you try and keep him out of your life. It seems like he only brings pain and turmoil with him. Also, yes I'm sure it would be nice to get this other woman out of his life as well, but you should try and leave that to the authorities if you can. But, it would be good to be a support for her. It would probably benefit both of you as support figures. Power in numbers and all. And you can be supportive of her without him being in the picture quite easily.

[Brokenheartedx]

Look at it another way he's not your dad he's just a sperm doner..
This kid that will be born to ur father be truthful he isn't your dad just someone who fathered you.. will need support and should not have contact with this man...
U need to be 100 percent sure he isn't going to be part of this kids life.. because he is a convicted paedophile.. u don't have a choice in the matter get on the phone to the social services and make anonymous call...
The chances of u being their for this sibling is slim the 21 year old depending if she has knowledge on this might want to cut complete ties and not want him or u in her kids life.. but that's not I say years later kid won't come looking for u... which he or she might

As for wantin a dad so desperately.. be very careful what u wish for.. ur head is in a very vulnerable place and ur therapist has no right to tell u what u need.. what u need to do for u is love yourself... don't ever blame urself for what this man has done.. he's a twisted pervert... and be thankful you are nothing like him..

It can be confusing for you.. u need a new therapist and try to focus on being happy... never mind anything else like father figures concentrate on you... get to a stage in your life were u are happy... focus on something else and focus on loving you... you are your own best friend don't hurt you for the actions of someone who isn't worth your time.. and focus on the future rather than the past.. think about your mum she brought u up herself.. how bad was it for her that she couldn't bring another man into your life.. How lonely was it for her? To make her happy you have to be happy and everything will work out fine for both of you.. you will find love and be loved and trust again

[myTake Owner]

"Look at it another way he's not your dad he's just a sperm doner.." that's exactly how I think of him.
" ur therapist has no right to tell u what u need" I need him to tell me what i need because I don't know how to help myself.

[FashionQueen86]

This is a really touchy topic, which makes me fear to say the wrong things, so I'll try my best.

First of all, I really do apologize that you had to go through all this. All children deserve good and loving parents, and you did not deserve this, and NONE, not even 1 percent of it was your fault. It was his. He's the one that has to live with that, and I tend to wonder sometimes if it really does mess with his mind in how much of a failure and a messed up person is. He has NOT made the best of his life at all, and although you are affected by his decisions, try not to let him enforce things over your life as well. Live life as you, not as his victim. Show him that you can do so much better and be on your own even without his fatherly guidance (which you should have had that).

Forcing visitation rights wasn't the right thing to do. I think instead, he should have presented himself in a respectable manner to your mother first, and try to gain her trust, and then that way, he would have worked up to seeing you. But honestly, if he molested people, they should have never allowed visitation rights in the first place.

As far as your therapist telling you to find a father figure, that kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but I can't say what will and won't work for you. If you must find one, I would honestly try situating yourself around older men. I've befriended a man that is about 69 years old, and he is amazing. We've been friends for about four years and he's always very respectable and never brings up inappropriate topics. I love that he opens up to me about his life becuase he trusts me. Maybe go visit some nursing homes and sit down with men, because guess what? Maybe they are wondering where their families are, and being in a nursing home isn't all that great either for some people. I work at a hospital where families don't even bother to visit them. It would be very nice to go visit some people at their worst and cheer them up.

[lightbulb27]

I'm very sorry. You've just outlined the importance of having a father and both parents to a persons development. You were jipped, cheated because of this immature male. I hope other males read this and realize the implications to the kids, maybe it will shift their behavior in a positive direction and something good comes out if it.

Coming from a Christian background, God is and should be your father. Read the New Testament to see the love of the father, and have that be the replacement. It is the only one that will be unconditional love, which is what you were supposed to get from father. No other source I've found will give that. You may find other father figure mentors along the way, but not sure how to do that.

Glad you have a therapist and yes your lack of a father means you lack having a good example of what a man is, which in my experience pre disposes you to finding a guy of your own like him. You have to be extra conscious of that and who you are attracted to. Emotional wounds control a person.

The more you an learn about your father and why he is that way, may help to see him as a human being and bring about forgiveness. He's probably been sexually abused, or lacked a father, who knows... He may have given up on you (no cards) because he lost visitation. It may help to have some contact with him to let him know you care, but he may experience it all as pain now and just want to be done with it. It is a tough case and have to trust your councilors and heart.

So sorry to hear it. You can find good in this, forgiveness, then you can release these emotions, heal and move on from them and they won't control you. Until you do, they are in charge (the feelings you have about your father, wanting his love, his abuse, etc..). So, go to church, find God, pray, continue counseling and find something good out of this. Like how you can relate to other people and help them. Turn dirt into flowers!

[Anonymous]

The same thing happened to my husband. His dad went to jail for molesting a 10 year old when he was 7. It really fucks with him that he did not have a dad. More so, because now he's a dad and has to figure out things from scratch for his own son. When I watch him he's scared of being a terrible dad, he lacks so much self-esteem because his dad didn't get out of prison until he was 17. His crucial years of development were left for the birds.

It hurts me to know you've had to endure about the same as him. I wish my husband could cut ties with his father, like you have, but he hasn't been able to. None of his family has :/

[Anonymous]

Families come in all forms nowadays. I don't like it, but its a fact. Your father is who he is and chose to behave irresponsibly. Nothing you can do.
I learned in life to use every opportunity to my gain. or when life throws you a lemon, turn it into lemonade. easy for me to say... but thats the idea.

More importantly, you are an adult now. Work on yourself, better yourself. If you want to be part of your siblings life, you are older. Take care of yourself so she has a good model to look up to.
One thing to think about in the future is the type of men you attract to. Just be conscious of it.

[Fathoms77]

The importance of strong parental figures can't possibly be overstated, and why the nuclear family always worked and will always work.

[myTake Owner]

I disagree with you that it always works.

[Fathoms77]

It will always work if the pieces are correct. Obviously, if the pieces aren't correct, it won't work at all.

When there are zero pieces and only screwed up parent figures (most of whom have the maturity level of a 7-year-old), the kids end up screwed up... hence, the legions of screwed up Millennials that seem utterly helpless today.

[Brokenheartedx]

Her dads a paedo though.. that's fucked her head up more than anyone can ever imagine.. it doesn't work and hasn't for her.. it just makes me want to wrap her up in cotton wool and put her somewhere safe.. being a mother myself he sacrifices I've made to keep my children secure and safe has in turn left me lonely... and in ways feeling I've let my kids down... she doesn't type anything about her mum.. and I hope her mum was a good one to her.. and if she was a good mother she will feel the same way... nothing more out of control for a parent who loves their kids is to see them suffer mentally and not being able to do anything about it... I hope the owner of the question gets to be happy one day... and go on and have kids of her own with a man who worships the ground she stands on..

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Brokenheartedx Yes, if a parent has issues, the family structure is pretty irrelevant. Step parents can be way more awesome people to their stepkids. I have friends that <3 their step parents more than their bio ones. It's not very common, but it happens.

[Brokenheartedx]

Well her mum chose not to let a man get close enough to her daughter to become a father figure and in honesty who could blame her? As for her new sibling to be the girl Shoukd get onto social services and tell them he's a convicted child molester... he shouldn't be allowed to go near kids.. if she wants loved and be loved rather than have men mess with her due to vulnerability and they are evil bastards out there that will she should maybe get a little dog for herself..

[Fathoms77]

@SovereignessofVamps Right, like I said, the pieces have to actually function. But the properly functioning pieces of the traditional family will always be better for children than splintered pieces, no matter how well they function, in my opinion.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Fathoms77 Yeah on the first part... but why do you think that about split parents? Curious.

[Fathoms77]

@SovereignessofVamps Because I believe a child needs a strong mother and father figure to develop correctly. And the mental health field has generated scads of evidence that this is true, especially given the seemingly inevitable problems children of broken homes continue to face.

Again, though, fighting/abusive parents can be just as damaging. I'm only referring to pieces that work. :)

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Fathoms77 I agree about pieces but I've heard the experts say home types are irrelevant. For an example, people used to cheat with other married people back when everyone was married. I think there's statistics for it, like 50% of all couples, but... people are people. I don't think bad behavior is from specific things generally.

[myTake Owner]

@SovereignessofVamps @Fathoms77 I think it's important to have a positive male and female role model but I don't agree that's it is always best to have both your mother and father married and be raised by them. I have a lot of friends with married parents who are a lot worse off than I have been.

[Fathoms77]

@SovereignessofVamps "experts say home types are irrelevant. "

Then they're idiots. Sorry, but that's what I think.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I agree mytake owner but how are the kids worse off? Curious about the stories.

[myTake Owner]

@SovereignessofVamps They have abusive parents. My mom is not abusive and I am much better off with just her than having both of them in my life because then I would have a horrible dad in my life.

[Anonymous]

Although he was "in the picture", as people say, my father is also a very flawed figure, and it's been a difficult issue in my life coming to terms with some of his behavior and the angry, hateful ideas he put into me.

I totally get what you mean how thinking about the existence of good fatherly love can tear you up.

But we can only develop ourselves, you know? Once you see things that childhood printed on you, you can start changing the messages to yourself.

[DancingGirl]

I agree! It is difficult but you can change the way your experiences with your dad effects you :)

[Anonymous]

Every time you have a negative feeling about your unfortunate father figure think of this: your family will be different, VERY different. When you do start make it your number one goal to be different than they one you had.

[myTake Owner]

I dont plan on having kids so

[Anonymous]

Women are always defaming men, when the fact is that fathers are better parents by all measures. Berating men is a custom in feminist society.

Mothers are the shittiest parents who should never be given custody. Women deserve to be demeaned and berated.

[Relentless_Hippie]

This is why women need to be more careful with who they open their legs to

[myTake Owner]

You can fuck off

[Relentless_Hippie]

I mean it's the truth. Your mom played a role in your misery concerning your father. She's to blame as well.

[myTake Owner]

She was 19, she didn't know who he was, she had no way of knowing who he would become. I will thank you kindly for not slut shaming my mother or talking about something when you really don't know what you're talking about. She has more than made it up to me over the last 20 years of my life.

[Relentless_Hippie]

That's fine but she still put you in that predicament to begin with. What kind of person has unprotected sex with someone they don't even know? Truthfully your mother has no excuses. Had she been more responsible your life probably would've been better.

[myTake Owner]

She meant to get pregnant. It wasn't someone she didn't know, it was her boyfriend. I said she just didn't know what he would become/who he was deep down. I dont think it was a smart idea, but I do not blame her for what my dad has done to make my life awful. He could have risen to the occasion and been responsible from that point on but he did not. She did. She immediately got herself a well paying job and took care of me, while he got himself thrown in prison.

[Relentless_Hippie]

Not saying she was a bad mom but she certainly contributed to why your life was like that. You don't know an entire person after only three months. Planning a baby with your three month boyfriend is stupid, irresponsible and irational. She could've picked out a much better man and someone she actually knew to have a child with. She only thought about herself in that instance.

[myTake Owner]

Yes she knows that, I know that. But it doesn't matter anymore. And no one ever asked you to say anything about my mom. It bothers me when you say those things because it ignores who she is now and what she has done for me. Her deciding to have a baby with someone she hardly knew is not why I have a bad dad. I have a bad dad because my father never tried to be a good dad.

[Relentless_Hippie]

You have a bad dad because your dad is a bad person. It's more than just the fact he didn't even try to be there for you, it's the fact that he's a pedophile that's the problem.

Had your mom taken the time to learn who he was there would've been some very obvious red flags. Instead she chose to get pregnant by a virtual stranger. So while your father is a horrible excuse for a human being, and while your mother did the best she could with what she had, you cannot deny her role in this situation and the hand she played.

It's not her fault that he's a bad person, but she does have some fault in this situation. Both of my parents suck, one of them sucks less than the other but all around they're both really bad at being parents and they're not the best of people either. I grew up with my paternal grandparents, they're the ones who raised me. All throughout my childhood my dad would talk about my mom and her not doing anything for her kids, but it's his fault too.

[Relentless_Hippie]

He chose her to be my mother, and he's contributed to the reason why my life is the way it is. Then we look at my mom. My dad is a giant baby, and can never take respsonisbility for himself. He's never had to be a man, or a father. He didn't raise us and to this day he gets angry at the thought of doing things for his kids. It's her fault because she chose him as my father.

And then I look at my grandparents and while I love them they raised two very unprepared, irresponsible, and unpleasant adults. There's no singular person at fault but everyone has contributed.

[jacquesvol]

@Relentless_Hippie
This is also why men need to be more careful with who they stick their dick in.

[Relentless_Hippie]

@jacquesvol Exactly yes. When mating everyone needs to be careful and if they're not and bad thing start to happen, well... they played a role in it so they share in the blame.

[DooMguy]

*shots fired*

[Love_Is_Eternal]

Then women should stop opening their legs to bad men.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. If it helps I kinda know how you feel. My dad slept with all my friends.

[Gommers]

You had a shit mom. End of discussion.