The fairy tale book says that when we are born, we will have a mother and father who will love us unconditionally. Our parents will support us emotionally, financially, and lovingly until we are ready to fly on our own and beyond. Some of us are extremely lucky and we get the fairy tale. Others get half the fairy tale in one parent. And others get a parent or parents who are physically and/or emotionally abusive, neglectful, dealing with addiction, or completely absent from our lives.
When you were a child in that situation, you had neither the resources nor the capability to really do much about your situation unless there was an intervention on your behalf. For most, what went on in your life and household probably went on until you left the house causing a lot of pain, anger, and frustration about not having what many consider basic; parents who love their children and only want the best for them.
Now as an adult, you may still be dealing with a toxic parent or parents and deciding how much you still want them in your life or not. It is often said that, there is no relationship within a family that cannot be repaired, and sure, for a lot of situations if the parents in this case, do a lot of work and make many efforts to first apologize and then work hard to show you through their actions that they are or have changed, that may be a relationship worth saving, but for so many others, sticking around and hoping year after year to see change may in fact cause nothing but further damage to their lives and can lead that child to grow up and treat their own children in the same ways as their parents.
The first thing really is to fully recognize what your situation is or was. If you had a parent who was abusive, neglectful, absent, etc., trying to pretend or wipe that from your memory or sugar coat what you went through can be very damaging. It is 100% okay to say and to know you had bad parents. I mean a parent who for example, does not show up for anything important in your life for 18 years, not because they were sick, or didn't know you existed, or where you lived, is not a good parent. You don't need to make excuses or try to rationalize their behavior or worse blame yourself for them not being there in that case.
You do want to talk about it. Often times as a child you were alone or felt like you were alone in dealing with your situation. How does a six year old or a ten year old explain how abusive their parents have been to them to friends who seem to come from happy homes? It's beyond difficult and probably hard to do even as an adult, but talking about it is a way to help you release some of what has been pent up inside of you for perhaps decades. Finding a support group, going to therapy, finding online groups, or simply opening up to a spouse, significant other, other trusted family member, or friend can help you work your way towards healing.
It is okay to be angry, and sad, and annoyed, and like your childhood was wasted to a point, but the further on into your adulthood you get, you just can't continue to stay in that place where that is all you feel all the time or every time you see your parents. You let them and the situation you were in, win because it takes over your life and continues to rob you of what could be your own new path and your own happiness.
Once you leave the toxic household and into your own you are free to breath, to start fresh, to find relationships with others who make you feel loved, happy, and safe. You may have never gotten these things or know what it was like to have these things, so it can be hard to know at first who you can trust or who isn't out to hurt you, but family, as they say, is not always a blood relative. Know that no matter how old you get, you can still experience love, happiness, and safety in your life. Use your energies to find positive people and spaces, and not continuously dwell on a negative past.
Lastly and perhaps one of the hardest things to do is to accept that in many cases, permanently walking away from a parent or parents is the best thing you can do for your life. No one should have to endure endless years of a parent or parents emotionally abusing you, have to try to solve their addiction for them, or just keep hoping and hoping that one day they will show up. A reconciliation with a parent cannot happen if both parties are not fully invested or making all efforts to see it happen, meaning, if for years, you've been asking a parent to treat you with respect, or to get off the drugs or put down the bottle, or show up and they don't make any efforts, you can decide enough is enough. Even in the worst situations with a parent, this can be a tough decision to make, but it may have to be done in order for you to ever feel complete or happy or ready to move on to a better place in your life.
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