I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide

asheslee
I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide

I THOUGHT IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN

It seems like it was just yesterday, but it was not. Fifteen months ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. She was young, beautiful, and successful. She had a close-knit family and a network of friends which far exceeded my own. She was popular. She had very strong faith. She was loved. None of that mattered, however, at the moment when she shot herself in the stomach and took her own life.

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide

I will never forget the moment when I received the call and was given the news...

Caller: "I don't know how to tell you this. I know how close you guys are... Have you heard from Jane* today?"

Me: "I talked to her a few days ago... She has been difficult to get in touch with lately. Why? What is wrong?!"

Caller: "She killed herself, Ashley! She went home today after work and killed herself!"

I immediately started calling and texting Jane, believing she would answer the line. I was in disbelief. Honestly, I did not believe the news until I read the obituary. My heart was shattered.

I MISSED THE WARNING SIGNS... LESSONS FROM TRAGEDY

Jane's suicide has provided me with a unique perspective. You see, we spent every day together for six weeks prior to the date of her suicide. Upon my recommendation, Jane was taking my position in a company I had worked within for just over a year. It was a high-level position. I was asked to extend my time within the position to allow her to shadow me for 1-2 months. I readily agreed, excited that I would be traveling with and spending time with my friend. I will always treasure those days I was able to spend with her. I was blessed to have spent some of her last days with her.

I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide

After surviving a year of guilt and grief, I now understand that Jane's suicide was not in any way my fault. I also know, however, that I failed to recognize many of the warning signs. If I could go back, I would do things differently, but I can't. I can, however, share with you one of the most valuable lessons I learned from this experience: How to identify the warning signs of suicide.

I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide

SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS

Since this is my Take, based on my personal experience, I will first list the signs that Jane displayed. At the end of this Take, however, I will provide some resources on other signs of suicidality and provide the number for the National Suicide Hotline.

Suicide is preventable, but we cannot prevent it if we cannot identify the warning signs or provide a place for people to turn for help.

1. Weight Gain - Jane gained a LOT of weight prior to her suicide. She had experienced a lot of life changes, however, and was taking on a new stressful job. I dismissed this sign and chalked it up to stress.

2. Changes in Sleeping Pattern - Jane always seemed tired in the days leading up to her suicide. I actually asked about this. She said that she was experiencing insomnia. Again, I chalked it up to job-related stress.

3. Changes in Eating - I noticed in the days proceeding her suicide, that Jane had a developed an unhealthy craving for junk food. She consumed more candy, chips, and sodas than I had ever seen prior to those months. Again, I chalked this up to a high level of stress.

4. Social Withdrawal - The suicide occurred about 6 weeks following my departure from the position I was training Jane to take over. During that 6 week time-frame, I noticed that she would not answer my calls. I would even call over and over again. On occasion, she would answer, and when I would ask if something was wrong, she told me that she had been extremely busy. Knowing the job requirements of my prior position, I dismissed her social withdrawal and thought that it was due to a lack of time. Jane had also deactivated her Facebook account several months before I recommended her for the job. I confronted her about this, jokingly. She told me that she no longer had time to manage it and progress professionally. I accepted the response and did not really think much about it.

5. Suicidal Talk - This is the warning sign that causes my heart to drop every time I recall it. It was subtle in Jane, but it was there... and I missed it. In the months leading up to her suicide, I vividly remember a conversation we had that still haunts me. We had a short chat about me recommending her to take my position at work and agreed on where we would meet on the following day. When I met Jane the next day, she had tears in her eyes, hugged me and said, "I just want you to know that I love you. You don't know it, but you literally saved my life." I remember being struck at this moment. I now realize, that my gut was telling me that something was wrong. Of course, as humans, we have an ability to rationalize almost anything. I chalked it up to gratitude and remember saying, "I love you, too. Honey, it is just a job. You have worked hard, know your stuff and you deserve it." What I would not give to go back to that moment. I would have listened to my gut and said, "Something is wrong and I love you enough to want to know what is really going on."

I know that it is hard to imagine missing and/or dismissing all of these warning signs, but when you have had a decade long friendship with someone, it is easy to make all kinds of assumptions about their behavior. It hurts my heart more than I can express that I did not identify any of these signs as a problem, but I honestly did not realize the extent of what was happening. If you see any of the signs listed above, or the ones listed below from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, please DO NOT DISMISS THEM. Please do not be afraid to offend someone by addressing the signs... We would all rather risk offending someone than risk losing them.

Finally, IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW MAKES A SUICIDE THREAT, PLEASE CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY. I know this seems dramatic, but someone who is licensed and trained to assess for suicidality needs to evaluate this individual. It could just save a life. It is better to have a loved one who is angry and alive than to lose a loved one to suicide.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL, PLEASE ASK FOR HELP. YOU CAN CALL THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE 24 HOURS A DAY AT: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Warning Signs from the Suicide Prevention Hotline

Some warning signs may help you determine if a loved one is at risk for suicide, especially if the behavior is new, has increased, or seems related to a painful event, loss, or change. If you or someone you know exhibits any of these, seek help by calling the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves
Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online or buying a gun
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
Talking about being a burden to others
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly
Sleeping too little or too much
Withdrawing or isolating themselves
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Extreme mood swings

For more information on suicide prevention, please visit the website for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

*Name changed to preserve anonymity.

I Missed The Warning Signs: My Best Friend Committed Suicide
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