The Mythical Friend Zone

[DaniJ]

That's right, I said it! The "friend zone" is FAKE!

There is not a possible case where a guy can accidentally make the wrong choice and never be considered as a possible boyfriend... However, there are several situations that are often mistaken to be the "friend zone". (keep in mind, these ideas are gender neutral, I'm only using guys as an example to make things easier.)

1. The classic, "She only likes me as a friend" scenario.

In this case, the guy and girl are already friends, but he wants to be more. There are only a few possible outcomes from this scenario.

• a. She actually likes him back, but is afraid to admit it, possibly even to herself


• b. She is not initially attracted to him, but may grow to like him over time


• c. She is especially un-attracted to him, for any variety of reasons, but there is no possible way that she will like him. In this scenario, the guy doesn't have any choice or say in the matter, she just will not like him in a romantic way. The idea of a "friend zone" assumes that what a guy does in the very start of a relationship determines if he will or will not be "friend zoned", which is clearly not the case here.

2. The guy and girl have just met (or haven't even got that far), "What can I do so I won't be friend zoned?"

Now, this one is a big pet peeve of mine... There is NOTHING that you can do. Girls will be attracted to you based on their own personal preferences (even subconscious ones) and although you can possibly find out what those preferences are and display your abilities to meet her expectations, you cannot change the overall outcome of whether or not she will be attracted to you.

The truth will all eventually come out, and no matter what qualities you show first, she will eventually know all or most of them and will make her own decision. The possible outcomes are:

• a. She will not initially be attracted to you, but as she finds out more about you, she will discover qualities that weren't obvious before and will begin to be attracted to you.


• b. She will right away be attracted to you (this is usually physically based, initially, since she doesn't know anything about you yet) and after getting to know you, your traits and qualities will only strengthen her attraction


• c. She will not initially be attracted to you, and as she gets to know you, your traits and qualities will not be the ones she subconsciously finds attractive, so she will remain un-attracted (see 1.c)


• d. She will be initially attracted to you, but as she gets to know you, your traits and qualities turn out to be lacking or different from what she wants, and her attraction will dwindle and fade. (again, see 1.c)

"The BEST way to go in every case is to make a friend before making a girl/boyfriend."

These things are always up for change based on different variables. If a strict, structured girl were being tested with someone who commits crimes, assuming that this factor was a turn-off for her, then if he somehow miraculously found the Lord or something and completely reshaped his life, it may be a different story.


The biggest point I want to try and show through all of this is that you do not have to begin your relationship on the pretense of a romance for a romantic relationship to develop. These relationships are fleeting, and usually leave you with more regrets than anything else. I have always said and will always continue to say that the best way to go in every case is to make a friend before making a girl/boyfriend.

If your romantic relationship is built around a tried and tested, fireproof friendship, it is much more likely to succeed than an empty romance just thrown off a cliff without a parachute.

[AnonAbel]

And in the meanwhile, the Alpha male gets all the fun.

While us Beta-Males are waiting for the Beta-females to get a clue

It's our fault for being p****'s, and theirs for allowing us to become so

look at statistics, girls are sluttier.

the population of girls, lose their virginities in a Much faster decline(age) then the guy population.

so witch small(gradually) part of the guy population gets all the action you think ?

The part they later claim are a**hole guys, who only follow their d***.

[JanJan]

Frankly, I get annoyed by the idea of a friend zone, because it implies that we have done something wrong in choosing not to date our male friends. Are men required to give every woman they know a chance, even if they are not attracted to them? NO! So why are we expected to humour every guy who has a crush on us?

[alltheabove1212]

because he "just doesn't see you that way". It's hard to swallow. We (guys) have tried before to be friends with a girl first, and it only ends in disappointment. So the negative experience teaches us to do something DIFFERENT than that in order to never feel that way again.

Guys-Understand the reality; every girl (or friend) you find you like may not end up liking you, and there is very little you can do to control that. Be your attractive self and hope for the best.

[alltheabove1212]

You girls are right (DaniJ and JanJan). I think people forget to look at it from a girl's point of view. You are not required to reciprocate just because your guy friend likes you. But from our point of view, it's a very frustrating thing. It's a blow to our ego, a rejection, and a slap in the face. It's like when you girls really like that good looking guy, only to see him pick a prettier girl. You do everything you can (which you think is the right way to do things) only to be turned down

[DaniJ]

See, the friend zone is supposed to be some "permanent" thing that once you're in, your stuck. We both established that people can change their minds. (especially the complex minds of girls...) And I do NOT accept pressure. I will refuse to date someone if I feel in any way pressured to make up my mind. I will make up my mind when I want to, and if I feel pressured, it's going to be a "let them down easy" type of deal, until and unless my mind is actually changed later on.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

attracted to you. Whereas if you show her right away that you like her and want to be MORE than just friends, you'll be pressuring her to make up her mind. And girls NEED that pressure, or else they will take FOREV- ops, almost did it again. =p But I hope you get what I mean. Maybe you're not like this, though.

And yes, some girls do start liking their friends. That's completely possible, but it doesn't often happen. :o Becoming friends with a girl is also my approach.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

"And a "friend zoned" guy could still prove to be a "soul mate"." This is what I'm talking about. The friend zone is there. That time where the girl still hasn't made up her mind about the guy, is what the friend zone is. :o And yes, I'll admit I was kinda exaggerating when I said FOREVER. lol Girls can change their mind, and I guess in that sense there is no friend zone. But I still think that if you show the girl you just want to be her friend at first, you'll have less chances of her being

[DaniJ]

about who they are attracted to, regardless of whether or not the guy tries to get noticed. You don't give us girls enough credit... We can think for ourselves. If a guy tries to be noticed, we will still notice a personality flaw later that could be a turn off. And a "friend zoned" guy could still prove to be a "soul mate". Ever hear a woman say that she married her BEST FRIEND? There's a reason for that.

[DaniJ]

and even if you are physically attracted initially, it is still possible that their attitude will be a turn-off later. Or the other way around. I've fallen for some physically unattractive people because I was attracted to their personality, sometimes YEARS after I've known them. Girls' minds are more complex than you realize... We don't just "friend zone" someone forever. There is ALWAYS a chance that she will become attracted to him. Girls will make up their own minds in their own time

[DaniJ]

@TimeAndTimeAgain I do see what you are saying, however I think that it is completely the wrong approach. While it may be true that looks play a part, and that attitude can be faked, that is why I say that friendship first is a good Idea. I ONLY like guys that I've known for a while. There is NO WAY that I would CONSIDER dating someone if I don't know their TRUE personality. I would ONLY date a friend. After knowing someone, it isn't guesswork anymore. You know what the person is like.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

Because jerks won't be trying to be your friend. Jerks will be doing a bunch of things that the majority of girls (sadly) find extremely attractive. I won't go into details of what those things are, but I WILL say that if a guy is trying to be friends with you, HE WON'T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! Thus, the girl will NEVER be attracted to him, and will only see him as a friend. FOREVER! Thus - the friend zone. It exists. It's real. It's THERE! And it forms when the guy approached girls incorrectly.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

For guys, it's a no-brainer - we look at you, and we IMMEDIATELY KNOW if we're attracted to you, or not. For girls, it can take days, even WEEKS, before they realize they're attracted to some guy. So basically what the guy has to do, is show the girl how attractive he is. Where a lot of guys fail though, is they approach the situation in a VERY BAD WAY - they try being FRIENDS with her, when what they should be doing is trying to be ATTRACTIVE! This is where jerks come out on top.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

If she is, you are obviously safe from the friend zone. However, if she ISN'T, it still isn't game over. The guy can STILL win her over! But here's a BIG catch here, that A LOT of guys fall for. In the VAST MAJORITY OF SITUATIONS, the girl isn't going to be attracted to you right off the bat. This is why there is this huge illusion that guys are shallow. No - we're not shallow. Our standards just aren't as abnormally high as girls'. A lot of girls out there expect guys to be "perfect".

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

The first impression that will count though, will be his attitude. And this is where and how jerks (even unattractive ones) get girls. They FAKE this initial personality. They plant a bunch of seeds on the girl's mind, and make themselves seem attractive. Girls have no possible way of telling if the guy is like this or not, and so they just go with it. What does this have to do with the friend zone? WELL! Immediately after getting to know you, the girl will either be attracted to you, or not.

[TimeAndTimeAgain]

You're wrong about a few things here. Especially about the friend zone premise. You have the wrong idea about what it means to be friend zoned. You also say that there is nothing a guy can do so that he doesn't get friend zoned. That's completely wrong, though I can understand why you don't see that. It all comes down to first impression. For a guy, the first impression will be your looks. And that matters a HUGE lot! For a girl, looks matter, but no where near as much as it matters for a guy.

[DaniJ]

and @dx021, If you were looking for an article on sexual attraction, you should look somewhere else. My article is about compatibility and emotional attraction. sexual attraction is something that NOBODY can form a relationship around. It builds off of a much stronger connection. Personally, I don't believe in sex before marriage, so obviously my article would follow my beliefs.

[DaniJ]

um, @girlsareconfusing... I see no "proof" in your argument. When I say "attraction", I don't necessarily mean physical, and who says that someone who only gets kissed once a year isn't successful with women? I would say that finding a deep, lasting relationship with little to no regrets from past relationships is pretty successful.

[kheserthorpe]

The friend zone is primarily 1c. Its not based on anything you did, its simply that she never would have been interested in more. But this is _very_ common, especially since so many people have fallen for the stupid line 'you should be friends first'.

I think there are borderline cases where being asexual makes you look asexual.

Developing friendship first is lovely. The problem is, most girls you befriend are not interested in more. It simply takes too long to befriend every possible gf.

[kttphoenix]

the zone will be real until you learn to say no or the poor sap figures out they need a better friend. Wing Army

[DaniJ]

There are of course other variables as well. Something that may appear to be the "friend zone" would be if say a girl says she is not looking for a relationship, or isn't ready for a relationship yet. This isn't necessarily a no, it just means that she wants to get your friendship closer to the "fireproof" stage before beginning a romantic relationship.

[dx021]

false. the better you get with women, you can practically sense the sexual attraction. and once you lose it, its gone for good.

just because you are unaware of your own emotional rollercoaster doesn't mean someone looking in from the outside can't see it

[Yeahhbro]

i highly disagree with this. Specially since supposedly girls for personality more than looks. Second of all there are men out there who are very succesful with women, while there are out there who kiss like once a year. As the result this proves you wrong. Plus there isn't such a thing as a "type" of man, as attraction its never a choice

[alltheabove1212]

Girls-Realize being friend zoned has a deeper meaning than the surface level of "Oh she just wants a friend". It throws our ego off, it IS a form of rejection (whether or not you mean it to hurt), and we deal with it a lot more than you do