I probably first met Rachel in my sophomore year of high school. She was a close friend of Pam, the girl I was dating. Pam and I left an impression on each other, but in my view, she was too much about playing the field. So we never really seemed to have anything too special. Meanwhile, I don't recall Rachel having a boyfriend. She was attractive, but quiet. We never flirted or anything, but I did wonder about her.
Shortly after high school I ended up in the service. I remember Pam was at the station when I left, but it was only a few months before I got a letter saying she wouldn't be waiting around. I was angry, but in her defense, I probably didn't write or call much. I was very inconsiderate in those days worse than inconsiderate.
Months flew by, maybe a year or more. I would encounter Rachel at a party. The party took place the night before I had to fly back overseas. We stuck together like magnets that evening. There was no sex - just one marathon kissing contest with no other contenders. I left the next day. Again, I was probably very bad at staying in touch.
When I got out of the service I went to see Rachel, but for some reason, it was not the same day I returned. We spent a little time together over the next week or so, but she was distant. The magnetism was missing. Why? Was it because I was slow going to see her? Had the time away changed things? What did I really know about her? Did I ask any questions? No. Then one day we were visiting friends and I met the girl who I would later marry. I became preoccupied with her and Rachel just disappeared from my life.
Over the years, at various times she would pop back into my head. I asked people about her, but no one seemed to know anything. There was one unconfirmed rumor that she had some kind of long term illness. After hearing that, I sometimes wondered if the distant behavior had been the result of something she knew or suspected about her health, but wasn't revealing.
When better search engines came into existence, I could track down long lost Army buddies or high school friends with ease, but never Rachel. I assumed she had changed names. Every now and then I would think about the night of the party, those days after returning home and I would search. Later I found myself single again. Was there a chance she was now single as well? Was she OK? Again, I could track down just about anyone else, but no sign of Rachel.
For a while there was a database that was even enabling me to get around the married name roadblock, but that went way. At this point I was prepared to contact Pam and pretend to be interested in how she was. Ok I had been genuinely curious about Pam too, but by now I had that answer. She was married with several children and probably very happy. But if anyone knew where Rachel was, it would be Pam.
Should I call? What will I find? I should add at this point that I had found a very old love letter of sorts which Pam had written after I had met Rachel at that party and before I returned from overseas. Why I never received it then and how I came to possess it 40 years later, I cant go into. Part of the events I don't fully understand myself. But her handwriting was unmistakable and the time frame fairly narrow. What I can say is that this complicated my thinking. Would it bother Pam now to hear from me after 40 years - only to have me ask how is Rachel? Probably not.
But every time I thought about picking up the phone or mailing a card, I could not get my head around that letter. And there was always the other question: Why was I so ready move beyond Rachel without talking about it with her? What would I possibly say to her now, even if I did find her?
I don't know now what the next clue was that led me to the answers. It was probably through a friend of a friend that I found out the married name of Rachel's sister. And from her, I heard the story about how Rachel married, became ill, then more seriously ill and passed away in her 30s, leaving behind a husband and a very young child. The rumor had been true. And the outcome was as terrible as anyone could imagine.
Pam and Rachel were very close and I can only guess how hard it must have been to lose a friend so young. It would be nice to express that sympathy to Pam. But after such a long time, I feel it would only bring back painful memories of that loss. I was shocked myself, although I had also heard terrible news about others during my searches. Except for Rachel, I had already decided to take an extended break from finding other friends. I guess I did have one question answered. Surely she had not known or suspected prior to having a child that she would be so ill.
So what's the moral? It's hard find anything resembling silver lining here. But to all of you who have lost touch with a friend and wonder if he or she ever thinks of you now and then: take it from me that they probably still do. And they regret those things they never got around to saying and questions they should have asked but didn't. They were young and irresponsible.
Shortly after high school I ended up in the service. I remember Pam was at the station when I left, but it was only a few months before I got a letter saying she wouldn't be waiting around. I was angry, but in her defense, I probably didn't write or call much. I was very inconsiderate in those days worse than inconsiderate.
Months flew by, maybe a year or more. I would encounter Rachel at a party. The party took place the night before I had to fly back overseas. We stuck together like magnets that evening. There was no sex - just one marathon kissing contest with no other contenders. I left the next day. Again, I was probably very bad at staying in touch.
When I got out of the service I went to see Rachel, but for some reason, it was not the same day I returned. We spent a little time together over the next week or so, but she was distant. The magnetism was missing. Why? Was it because I was slow going to see her? Had the time away changed things? What did I really know about her? Did I ask any questions? No. Then one day we were visiting friends and I met the girl who I would later marry. I became preoccupied with her and Rachel just disappeared from my life.
Over the years, at various times she would pop back into my head. I asked people about her, but no one seemed to know anything. There was one unconfirmed rumor that she had some kind of long term illness. After hearing that, I sometimes wondered if the distant behavior had been the result of something she knew or suspected about her health, but wasn't revealing.
When better search engines came into existence, I could track down long lost Army buddies or high school friends with ease, but never Rachel. I assumed she had changed names. Every now and then I would think about the night of the party, those days after returning home and I would search. Later I found myself single again. Was there a chance she was now single as well? Was she OK? Again, I could track down just about anyone else, but no sign of Rachel.
For a while there was a database that was even enabling me to get around the married name roadblock, but that went way. At this point I was prepared to contact Pam and pretend to be interested in how she was. Ok I had been genuinely curious about Pam too, but by now I had that answer. She was married with several children and probably very happy. But if anyone knew where Rachel was, it would be Pam.
Should I call? What will I find? I should add at this point that I had found a very old love letter of sorts which Pam had written after I had met Rachel at that party and before I returned from overseas. Why I never received it then and how I came to possess it 40 years later, I cant go into. Part of the events I don't fully understand myself. But her handwriting was unmistakable and the time frame fairly narrow. What I can say is that this complicated my thinking. Would it bother Pam now to hear from me after 40 years - only to have me ask how is Rachel? Probably not.
But every time I thought about picking up the phone or mailing a card, I could not get my head around that letter. And there was always the other question: Why was I so ready move beyond Rachel without talking about it with her? What would I possibly say to her now, even if I did find her?
I don't know now what the next clue was that led me to the answers. It was probably through a friend of a friend that I found out the married name of Rachel's sister. And from her, I heard the story about how Rachel married, became ill, then more seriously ill and passed away in her 30s, leaving behind a husband and a very young child. The rumor had been true. And the outcome was as terrible as anyone could imagine.
Pam and Rachel were very close and I can only guess how hard it must have been to lose a friend so young. It would be nice to express that sympathy to Pam. But after such a long time, I feel it would only bring back painful memories of that loss. I was shocked myself, although I had also heard terrible news about others during my searches. Except for Rachel, I had already decided to take an extended break from finding other friends. I guess I did have one question answered. Surely she had not known or suspected prior to having a child that she would be so ill.
So what's the moral? It's hard find anything resembling silver lining here. But to all of you who have lost touch with a friend and wonder if he or she ever thinks of you now and then: take it from me that they probably still do. And they regret those things they never got around to saying and questions they should have asked but didn't. They were young and irresponsible.
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