I think she should analyze the situation.
First of all, there's nothing disrespectful about contacting and being connected with friends. There is however something very disrespectful about telling an other adult who is supposedly your life partner; what he can or can't do. Even if you do it directly (ie. don't do this, you're not allowed to talk to ___) or indirectly (ie. I think it's very disrespectful if you talk to other women, and it hurts me when you do; translation: so can you please do what I want and stop talking to other women?)
Insecurities and jealousy are hard to suppress. But before you're quick to jump the gun and get on his case about the girls he had sex with once upon a time; try analyzing the situation first.
Who are these women now? Are they good career or professional contacts? Are the men they're married to good business or social contacts? Do these women know a lot of people?
If that's the case, he could just be using them. There are a lot of people I know, that I like to call "technical friends". We don't give a flying damn about each other, but they use me for what I know, and I use them for who they know.
If that's the case, then the fears you're feeling are unjustified. And you have to admit to yourself, and to him, that feeling the way you do, and trying to force him to cut off contact with those people on the basis that they were women he had sex with once upon a time; is unreasonable, selfish and disrespectful to him on your part. It shows you don't trust him; and that's insulting to someone who doesn't have ill-intentions.
On the other hand, consider re-examining your sex life.
The only other reason a guy would start pulling on his exes out of the blue, is because he's not sexually satisfied, but doesn't want to have sex with strangers. If he's going to be having sex on the side, he wants it to be with a woman he's already familiar with and knows what kind of temperment she has. That allows him to feel safe that she won't try and look for more than just sex, try and force him to leave you for her, or blackmail him by threatening to tell you.
Honestly; the best remedy for your insecurities and jealousy towards other women; is to pay attention to and not neglect your sex life as a couple.
"When there's no food at home; you go somewhere else to eat"
Is it your fault for wanting to eat? What does your house expect you to do? Starve? Live in a constant half-satisfied but half-empty state? Is the person who is hungry or the house that demands the person to not seek food elsewhere despite an empty fridge the unreasonable one?
You two should sit down, and talk about your sexual relationship and give him the chance to be emotionally open and honest about how satisfied or unhappy he is with it. Don't be judgemental or defensive; even if he seems angry at you. This is your chance to work on things.
If it's not a problem; then these other women are just meaningless business/social contants
I had an ex on Facebook who was strictly a friend and lived across the country. I barely talked to her and would exchange quick messages like once every few months just to ask how they were doing. my serious girlfriend at the time had a huge problem with it. we would talk it over and she would say she understood but then she kept bringing it up over and over. it was a large part of the downfall of our relationship. her jealousy and paranoia ruined us. I thought that in principle I should not have to remove my friend and block her out just because my girlfriend was paranoid. didn't seem right to me. I never ever lied to my girlfriend. she had no right not to trust me. she also tried to break into my Facebook several times to spy on me, not cool.
i think people do deserve to have things kept private if they want. sure, sometimes people hide things and lie, but sometimes people just legitamately want somehting private that nobody else needs to see, and there is nothing wrong with this if we are being honest and loyal. I hate when girls do not understand this.
this woman you mention should respect his privacy and trust him. ultimately you have to trust your mate because you never really know what goes on with them and likely if they cheat they will get caught or feel guilty and tell you. you can't go around always checking up on them all the time. if you are that paranoid you have problems.
I wanted to be with this girlfriend so badly that I actually gave into her after a while and removed my friend (the ex). I felt really bad about it, and like I thought, it really didn't stop the paranoia, it just fed into it. I think my girl at the time needed to get over it. otherwise it will just go on and on until I am not allowed to talk to any girls. the problem was with her, not me. she made me block out a good friend and I now resent her for that. it suffices to say our relation didn't last, and it was in large part over her jealousy and paranoia regarding things like this. it is too bad, because I was always loyal and never cheated or lied. she blew it by not trusting me and not leaving my private life alone.
ok I'm going to say this all the guys here that say they should have a private life and be friends with their exes are full of it...i have been married to my husband for 4 years and just going into 5yrs in the begining we had issues with exes popping up and talking with him in innapropriate ways I expressed how uncomfortable I was with this and he quit for a while shortly after our relationship started I got pregnant and a fight between my family and his broke out and both sides were trying to split us up after dealing with this for almost 2 years we moved out of state to get piece to fix any issues that arose from this fight and save our marriage and little family...my hubby began looking up his old exes and talking to them I didn't have a problem with this at all until I saw some of the things they were saying back and forth I felt bad bout going in a breaking into hie Facebook but I had this feeling that something was going on and it was I then made him choose between me and the exes he chose me he then began lieing to me going on dating sites and trying to meet women messaging his exes again an talking inappropriately I caught him 6 times over the course of 2 years we had 2 children at the time and I frogave him and gave him another chance and recently he asked if he could talk to an ex that I knew andsince he asked me if I was OK I told yes aslong as it was only friend talk and nothing more lets just say 3 months after saying it was OK he then told me he gave his number to a guy friend and they would text back and forth I then got this really bad feeling something was going on I asked about he said he wasn't doing anything and that he was just guy talking with a friend this feeling wouldn't go away and I asked him again he told me his friend didt want to talk to him because that friends wife was txting my husband my husband said he didn't know it was her...he then hoped in the shower and I looked threw his phone and found text between him and this women on his guy friends number he lied and lied and lied as I figured out it was his exes number and put his guy friends name to hide it not to mention he ketp getting offencive about his phone and privacy well lets just say I then looked my hubby in the eyes and told I was going to pack up the kids and leave he smashed his phone and told me he didn't want to lose me not to metion this ex was engaged I confronted her and told her to back off and I then over the course of 2 days found out they were making plans to meet and my husband was planning on trying to take our babies from me I broke down felling like I was loosing everything I felt like somone close to me died and lonly and heart broken lets just say he begged my forgivness told me he wants to be with me and that he will do anything to fix this he apologized and told me he knows he didn't deserve another chance I chose to give him this chance and we will see exes are a no go if he won't give up his exes for you he don't really love you don't TRUST EXS
HE WANTS TO CHEAT. I have an ex boyfriend right now who chats me on FB. we dated briefly in college and now, 3 years later, he is married with a kid! He is flying into my state this month to visit famiily and he wants to hangout with me so he is getting a hotel nearby to stay at while he is in my area. We didn't talk for 3 years and outta no where he starts chatting me up on FB! I AM SURE, his wife does not know he is planning on coming to see me! He told me that he didn't even tell her we dated, so she doesn't even know that he instant messages me! She doesn't even know I was an ex girlfriend of his! TRUST ME ON THIS... I am very sketched out and I am not a homewrecker, so I will NOT be meeting out with him when he comes into the state and drives over to my area! I talked 2 my dad about this all and he said that a lot of guys (especially if they are young) they will sometimes rethink if they made the right choice with getting married/ having a kid, etc. and they will often daydream of tiimes when they had less responisiblity and more freedom. So oftentimes, they try to push the responisibily away by reverting back to ex gfs and "old times" of when life was easier and carefree and that's when they end up cheating. and the fact that she has expressed 2 him that it bothers her and he has ignored this, he is basically saying that he doesn't even care and to mind ur own business! and that he is going to do what he wants regardless! that is NOT good. he is blantantly fooling himself by thinking he wants 2 just b "friends" with his exs and that its all innocent. YEAH RIGHT. That's how all affairs start. its all innocent at first and then BAM, ur screwing ur ex girlfriend and cheating on ur wife!
Sex changes everything in my opinion. No matter what other people say, reconnecting with someone you were intimate (especially when you're married) would raise some red flags, even if the man never did anything less than respectable. My biggest issue is why? Why seek out someone from the past that didn't work out? Were they so fabulous that your life would be missing something if you didn't talk with them? Not likely.
I never found the need to friend my exes. After breaking up, I grew disinterested in their lives, and while I wish them well, do not wish to contact them further. To me I don't understand why people insist on being "friends", despite the awkward conversations and sexual tension. All my friends that try to reconnect with their ex ends in awkward arguments about being "clingy". Is it really worth the effort? And honestly, I don't believe that remaining friends with an ex is a wise decision when you're married. It's one thing to be close to a close childhood friend that's of the opposite sex, but for him to say it's his "privacy" means he's not fully understanding her true feelings. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're free from worry about the strength of your marriage. She knows what the woman is capable of if she decided to have a fling with her husband. I understand her side. I think he should try to understand as well.
Best of luck!
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7Opinion
There could be several reasons - as usual, it depends on the guy. Not all of them are sinister, though. I know from personal experience that it's possible to be in a relationship and still be friends with ex-gfs without causing serious problems. I'm not married, but I am in a monogamous relationship and have quite a few Facebook-friends who I've slept with.
In my case, I'd be upset with my girlfriend if she told me I couldn't talk to my former lovers or "friend" them online. I expect her to trust me when I'm around my exes, online or in person, and I live up to that trust and don't cheat on her. Of course, the same goes for her: I don't get mad if she wants to stay in touch with her ex-bfs as long as there's no funny business going on.
In short, it's natural for her to be suspicious or jealous of his exes, but it's not necessarily a sign of disrespect from him. If he's trustworthy, I think it's his right. If he's not, well, then he's not really husband material in my opinion. But that's just the way my girlfriend and I see it; these sort of rules are up to each couple to decide for themselves.
Just answered a similar question. In a nutshell, I have 5 true ex's, and all of them I'm still friends with. I'd even go so far to say I still love all of them.
Now, let me explain.
First and foremost, I am in love (in the classical sense) with my girlfriend. However all my ex's are ex's that have been 'friendly' breaks. I've never had a bitter breakup over cheating or some such thing. It's been things like moving away, incompatible lives, and so on.
Moving on, many of my ex's were major parts of my life. One in particular that helped me when my father died from cancer, I was kicked out of home living on the streets (I was 15/16), had a few friends commit suicide... and so on, I still love very much, and still call my soul mate. This isn't meant as disrespectful to my current, and I'll say again, dearly loved girlfriend. It's just that we went through so much (and her life wasn't roses either)... we went through so much together that there's a bond that's unbreakable. I'd imagine similar to war veterans.
Moving on.
My ex's are all still dear friends. One is the best friend of my current girlfriend, so I see her quite regularly still. The reason I'm 'still' friends with them is the same reason I was friends, and partners, in the first place. We get along, we have shared interests, we like each others company. My girlfriend still talks to one or two of her ex's, and it doesn't concern me in the slightest.
Some might call that fool hardy. I call it trust and love.
He does it to boost his ego and remind himself of the action he was getting before he got married. I doubt he means to do anything more with it, but then again, who knows.
It does not sound like his wife has much more she can do. It is a shame that she is finding out now that he has little consideration for her feelings. The reality is that if these women mean nothing to him (he did not marry them and supposedly is just keeping in touch on Facebook) he would feel it was so important to keep the contact.
I agree that he may have no intention of doing anything with these women, but the bigger problem here is that he is disregarding her feelings. My ex-husband kept in touch with a woman he had a strong connection with and he wanted to invite her to our wedding. She also had a rep for sleeping with men that were taboo, including married men, but in the end I did trust he would not sleep with her. However, what this ended up being was an early sign of him not respecting my feelings or listening to me. Took 13 years of getting tired of it, but I finally divorced him for this reason.
Long lasting relationships are about a couple putting each other first and really, if your spouse has a concern and it would be so easy to talk to her and address it, why wouldn't you? Addressing it could be as simple as telling her you understand, versus telling her it is none of her business. I would never tell my partner that it was of no concern to them.
The key here is not that he is friends with several of his ex girlfriends, it is that he does not listen to his wife's problem with those relationships. That is a serious marital issue, at minimum marriage counciling is in order, it is the start of a very slippery slope that usually ends badly. Nip it in the bud before it gets worse!
Marriage is not confinement, but his wife has the right to say this and that. Lots of things happen in private. The husband should assure his wife that nothing will happen that will violate their marriage, or he edging closer to infidelity.
But if I were the wife and he reasons it by his privacy, then I'll do that Anonymous user's answer : "The wife should look up all her ex boyfriends and start chatting online with them!"
But not if we have kids..
I would talk to him and say that he should limit his contact. I would be unnerved if he had sex with her and who knows, he might do it again.
I'd keep my eye open and if I find out and have evidence he cheats on me then I'd divorce him .
I would feel uncomfortable with it but I realize if I were in your situation, it is his "friend".
let them be for now and just be aware of things and possibly even add her on Facebook yourself.
one guys are curious what their exes are up too. especially on Facebook. if he's way older than it's just his stupid curiosity with wanting more friends.
i see nothing wrong with it really. I can't stand not being friends with my exes. they were some of the most important people in my life and know me better than anyone else. that doesn't mean I still want to be with them but I will always care about this
Guys could see it as a lack of trust/paranoia, but this type of thing is an ongoing battle. I'd say if he was constantly contacting these women and not spending enough time with his wife I would have a problem. Also, if he's being open with the information that's passing between them instead of being all secretive I'd be more okay with it
The husband should respect his wife's concerns. Plain and simple. Most nice married guys I know wouldn't even bother doing the aforementioned activities knowing that it'll p*ss off their wives. If he still does it after she expressed her concerns, it's not looking good. I say he'd eventually cheat. Sorry for jumping to conclusions, but this is how I feel.
Remember it's only Facebook! he has the right to be friends with whoever he wants. as long as he is not asking to meet up with them secretly and trys to understand what his wife is feeling I reacon it is Okay.
Ex or not, she's still just a friend now. And he can have whoever he wants as friends as long as they're just that, FRIENDS. It doesn't matter that they USED to be more. They're not anymore. Just friends now.
Sounds like she's got an unfaithful husband who wants his own way of things. I'd suggest she seek a divorce lawyer, as his behavior will likely not get any better.
Throw the computer out the window, or start looking for your ex's and see how it makes him feel. tit for tat.
if you are bothered by it he should respect ur concerns. friend your exes on Facebook and talk to them and see how he likes that. if he has a problem with it then he needs to look at his own self
It's a marriage license... not a solitary confinement sentence.
I love kissandtell's answer! The wife should look up all her ex boyfriends and start chatting onine with them!
i just think its disrespectful to your current partners feelings to remain friends with exs
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