Is it wrong for adult siblings to cuddle and sleep in the bed together?

[Anonymous]

OK, me and my sister were always very close growing up and she was always such an emotional, sweet and caring person. When she turned 13 I remember my parents were worried that their sweet little girl would turn into a hormonal teenager but that never happened. There were no fights and she kept her child-like innocence even in adulthood. She always did have a fondness for children and animals and would break down and start crying whenever she saw somone suffering. But 3 days ago (she's 22 now) she called me on the phone saying that the previous day she had been raped. I tried to console her on the phone but then she asked if I could come over to her appartment because she didn't want to be alone and "hold her". Now I know that you should avoid physical contact with rape victims whenever possible and I didn't want to run into any awkward instances so I just told her I couldn't because I had to take care of something. That night at 2:00 in the morning she called me again this time sobbing more heavily and asked If I could come over there, cuddle and sleep with the bed with her. Now that woul already be highly innapropriate behavior for siblings not withstanding the present circumstances. So I again just told her I couldn't. The next day she called me and this time she was weeping so heavily her voice was incoherent so I just hung up. She tried calling me once yesterday and twice today but i didn't pick up because I just don't know what to do and I'm not sure I can deal with her in this kind of state. What do you think I should do. Do you think if I just leave her alone she'll sort herself out? And do you think that she asked me to hold and sleep with her because what happened to her some how advereley effected her psychology? I just don't know what to do because I hate to think of her in this condition :(

Yes it is innapropriate

No it is not

[EasyForYouToSay]

Your first mistake is thinking that you have to avoid physical contact with rape victims. You don't. You only need to avoid unwanted or unsolicited physical contact. This is obviously neither of those.
Your second mistake was essentially abandoning your sister, who was just violated in one of the worst ways possible, and who trusted you over anyone else to keep her safe!
You hung up on someone, and you are ignoring someone who needs you. If you can't handle what happened, tell someone who can. Your parents, one of her friends, SOMEONE, instead of just leaving her to suffer alone.
Go fix this. She is obviously distraught, abandoning her is only going to make this worse.

[Asker]

What I don't get is why she didn't call one of her friends (BTW our parents live in a different state)

[EasyForYouToSay]

Probably because you are her brother, and she trusts you? It doesn't matter why she called you, she did, and your reaction did not help.

[Asker]

So what are you suggesting that I do?

[EasyForYouToSay]

Call her, or at least answer the phone when she calls you. Get your butt over to her place, and give her the support she's asking for.
Later on, when she's coping better, apologise for your reaction. Help her in any way she needs, and encourage her to report the rape, if she hasn't already, and if she's still able to, take her to the hospital for a rape kit to be done.

[Asker]

Just so you know she's in therapy and doing better now.

[stillagoodgirl]

It's inappropriate but not necessarily 'wrong'
She needed someone she trusted. The first thing you shoulda done was tell her to go to the hospital!

She most likely knows who raped her but is too afraid to say anything. It might have been a friend or acquaintance so she probably no longer trusts men and the only one since you're family.

You can't let her depend on you forever. It's good you hung up on her, she needs to be strong on her own.

I don't know what else you can do for her other than convince her to get the creep who did it behind bars. At least then he can't do it again

[Asker]

she's getting better now and for the first time since I got here she slept in a different bed than me.

[stillagoodgirl]

That's good :)

I hope she has some good supportive friends too.

Your sis sounds like me with the personality type. My older brother is like my bestie even though we fight sometimes and he's more outgoing than me.

And please tell me she's gone to a doctor because it might not be too late for some type of Plan B pill

[Stacyzee]

Every one handles rape differently.
Not every one that was a rape victim is afraid of being touched.
I've known of women who have gotten raped that became promiscuous or prostitutes.

If your sister needs you, be there for her!
I think the cuddling is inappropriate for adult siblings but if you've been doing it all along, why stop now?
Be there for her.

[Asker]

We never cuddled before

[Stacyzee]

Well, be there for her!
She's asking something so small of you.

[Asker]

Don't worry, she's doing better now.

[BreatheMe19]

What is wrong with you? Stop hanging up on her. She was just raped she needs people with her now. It's not 'inappropriate' to console her. For gods sake, she's your sister.

Also, there's no rules when it comes to rape victims. yes, some don't like physical contact with anyone. but others do. She does, so just be there for her however she needs.

[Asker]

Well, if you want I could try calling her and if she's properly composed I could try talking to her about it.

[BreatheMe19]

If I want? This isn't about me.

[TJ-Laser]

wow, you sound like a right dick!

she was raped and your response is "I'm not sure I can deal with her in this kind of state"

She asked you to hold her because she felt as though she needed physical protection. you are obviously a major male role model to her which is why she called you.

She wanted you to cuddle her and sleep next to her to reassure her. not because she wanted sexy time you idiot. you're the one over sexualising the situation and you have let her down when she needed you the most!

good job on turning your back on her dumbass. you are a lousy brother.

[Asker]

I'm with her now, don't worry. And there's no need for ad hominem attacks -_-

[Niceguyscumlast]

Wow can I remind you your sister was RAPED! Her sense of safety her sense of being safe are all gone.

She needs to be held by a safe male that would be you. Forget about yourself forget what others might think and go hug your sister. She needs you and only you.

Her world has been rocked forever Rape is never about sex it is about humiliation about power controlling another person degrading them.

Your sister needs you it's not sexual get out of your own fucking head and try empathy and listening with your heart.

You have no clue how fragile she is right now.

[4465loveyou5577]

is it "inappropriate"?

NOTHING about what happened to her is in any way "appropriate" the only "appropriate" thing to do is console her any way that you can!!! If you just leave her alone, then she will be a shell of her former self. BUT if you want her to be the sweet caring person that you've known and loved then you will stand by her. It's not too late. You know you're alive when you bleed and if she is still crying and reaching out she isn't yet broken inside. Call her and as if you can come over. As for being held and cuddling, when a girls is held by a guy she knows and trusts, all her problems melt away and she feels like nothing can hurt her. Sometimes rape will destroy this sense of trust but other times it doesn't and those victims heal so much better So go over to her place and hug her, wrap her in your arms, pet her hair, rub her back, take long, deep breaths with her; soothe her to sleep. And DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT LETTING HER WAKE UP ANYWHERE EXCEPT IN YOUR ARMS!!!

[SarahsSummer]

I feel so sad for your sister that she turned to you for help and you ignored her. Why would you ever think you had to do that? Is your mind going somewhere unsavory or what? She needs You to help her feel safe. If I needed my brother, he would be there without a single thought other than the fastest way to get to me. My god. I hope she finds someone to help her but you are really awful for abandoning her in her time of need. Such a sad story.

[Asker]

well, I'm sorry I just didn't know what to do :'(

[SarahsSummer]

Don't apologize to me. Find your sister and tell her you fucked up and ask her what you can do.

[Asker]

OK, maybe I'll try calling her.

[CheerGirl38139]

Seriously @Asker she's your sister ffs.

Suck it up. Family is more important than your unwarranted worry.

[Asker]

@CheerGirl38139 suck what up?

[CheerGirl38139]

I just mean put your worries aside and be there for your sister bro

[Asker]

@CheerGirl38139 I gave her a call and I'm at her place now. She gave me a big hug when I got here. I laid down on the couch to watch TV, she snuggled up next to me, I wrapped my arms around her and within 5 minutes she was sound asleep :)

[SarahsSummer]

Yay. Is she ok?

[Asker]

Hard to say, when I got there she ran into my arms and sobbed hysterically. The scumbag not only raped her but physically assaulted her, but apart from the wounds he inflicted there were some that were self inflicted (cut marks on her wrist). She was again talking incoherently so I pet her hair and was able to compose herself and said she didn't sleep at all for the attack. When she calmed down she asked if we could watch Shrek together so I put it in and we laid down on the couch together. I'm still kinda worried that she'll be mad at me for turning my back on her though :(

[SarahsSummer]

You're there now. That's important.

[Asker]

Yeah, but I still feel bad. Would you forgive someone if they turned their back on you like that?

[SarahsSummer]

A sibling, sure. not sure about anyone else tho.

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess you do for family. Right now though even though she's got a black eye she looks so peaceful in her sleep. I guess tomorrow I'll tell her that I'm sorry for what I did.

[Imbadatcoolnameslol]

It would take a hell lot more than one night for me to forgive you, Asker. Really no excuse for what you did. You better beg on your knees for her trust back

[Asker]

@Imbadatcoolnameslol when we were watching the movie together I said I was sorry for leaving her and she said "you're here now, that's all that matters." And before she fell asleep in my arms she said "I love you so much". She's coping much better now. I won't get on my knees and beg for her trust back. If you screwed me over, you can beg me for my trust all you like but actions speak louder than words and unless you show me that I can trust you then you're just wasting your breath. And I will stay with her and hold her in my arms like she's the thing that's most precious to me for as long as she needs the support.

[VermillionLies]

Lol, how lucky I am for not having an asshole of a brother like you.
My brother is like my twin, even though he's 5 years older.
He's my best friend, a brother, a shoulder to cry on and an advice giver all wrapped in one. I feel sorry for your sister being stuck with you. She deserves better.

[Asker]

A shoulder to cry on is one thing asking me to sleep with her is another.

[Asker]

And by the way what are you suggesting I do?

[Octavius]

What the hell kind of brother are you. How is that inappropriate? She isn't asking for anything sexual she just wants her brother to make her feel safe and comforted. She was just raped. That's your job as her sibling to be there for her. Imagine how she feels just being raped AND THEN being ignored by her own brother when she confesses it to him.

[Catter_Felix]

I know it's about a year too late, but I have to say this. You really need to help your sister, especially when she tries to reach out for you so desperately. She probably just cried even more because you hung up on her. I hope she has forgiven you if you decided to change your mind and help and support her. Because leaving your siblings alone in such situations is just not how a sibling bond should be! My uncle died about a month ago and I wasn't crying when the urn was in the ground, cuz I'm mentally very strong. My sister though... she was standing there, alone, crying her eyes out. I've seen this and pulled her into my embrace to give her comfort. She was in my arms for pretty much the whole time we stood at the grave and we walked back to the car side to side. It's pretty much the same thing just with different things that happened... I really hope you reached out to support your sister and it turned out good in the end!

[Imbadatcoolnameslol]

You hung up? Dude!!! Your sister is in pain!!! She's scared and suffering! She trusts YOU and is calling YOU!!! I wouldn't EVER forgive you if you betrayed me when I needed you most.

[Asker]

How would I be "betraying" her?

[BangBadBxtches]

Chill out

[longjohndan]

You would be helping your sister not having incest. Seems a little out there that you would just hang up on her. She's coming to you for help and you are blowing her off, how would hugging her and making her feel safe be worse?

[Asker]

1: There's a difference between "hugging" and holding.
2: Physical contact with rape victims should be avoided whenever possible.

[longjohndan]

No, #2 is dependent on the person. You will find that in many cases physical contact is fine, especially within the family and can be very helpful and comforting. But you gotta let her decide what she us comfortable with. Hanging up on her was not a good thing because that will drive an entirely new set of insecurities for her.

[user45663789]

If she is asking you to come hold her than you are a source of comfort for her. I think you might be making her feel unwanted and like something is wrong with her if you don't go comfort her. I would go comfort her if I were in your shoes, she needs to feel wanted and like there is nothing wrong with her.

[darkroses328]

You should set up therapy for her. It's her struggle and you shouldn't let it affect your relationship to her, but you should still support her. Doing nothing isn't right, but sleeping with her also isn't right

[Asker]

she's in therapy now

[CheerGirl38139]

its not inappropriate dude. You're over thinking it.

[Asker]

Would you think it strange if your brother asked to sleep with you?

[CheerGirl38139]

Im a twin. So no. I used to get him to come sleep on the floor in my room next to my bed when I was like 15 bc I was scared hahahaha

[CheerGirl38139]

I don't think he would ever ask me to do that, but if I was in your sisters shoes I would probably do the exact same thing she did tbh. He's the first person I would turn to.

[Asker]

Yeah but you didn't sleep in the same bed, much less cuddle.

[CheerGirl38139]

dude read my follow up comment. And you can message me if you want. I don't want people ASS-uming incorrectly.

[Kenzie245]

She has just suffered a large trauma. While physical contact can sometimes be harmful to rape victims, contact with close family and friends can remind them that not all touch is violent or agressive

[Nnnnicoleeee]

I think it's weird to cuddle your sibling/s while in bed, but you could be a big brother and help her through her trauma by offering to take her to get professional help.

[9mfeo]

Dude, no. You're allowed to be affectionate with your siblings. Affection and cuddling is not inherently sexual. I don't understand why it would be either.

[The_Advisor]

You are here older brother. Console her. Their is nothing wrong with cuddling as cuddling alone isn't sexual. However, if she get sexual with tell her to stop.

[WhatTheHellAmy]

Dude, comfort your sister. Fuck what people says, she needs you.

[Asker]

I have, don't worry.

[truthbeknown]

In general, yes. Under those circumstances I think she needed you to help feel safe and secure.

[Intraluminal]

You need to support your sister, not withdraw from her because you're uncomfortable.

[Alana17]

Your sister got raped and you ignoring her phone calls and telling her your busy and she can't come over for support? What the hell

[Asker]

I'm with her now, don't worry.

[thewhiteballer]

I lick their titties all the time so I'd say no

[TheOldMan59]

You're either a pervert or a troll. Probably both.