Mom talks crap about me behind my back. Advice please?

[Anonymous]

I really don't know why :( I'm 22, her 1st born and out of all her children I'm the only respectful one, I've always been there whenever she needed me. Especially when I was growing up... I practically raised my brothers and sisters while she constantly worked. I still do that now with the youngest children left in the house. I work hard to help her pay bills, since her husband doesn't help anymore 😒 I'm always helping her out with anything, I cook, clean, take care of the kids.
She had me at an extremely young age, all we had was each other. I've missed out on my childhood and teen years being a second mother, and I've sacrificed a lot.
Unfortunately that meant nothing bc when she's in a good mood she tolerates me and talks crap about me behind my back. "She's so lazy", "She's useless", "She's always sitting on her ass", "She can never do shit right", "What did I give birth to, she's not any child of mine", "Oh look she's on a diet now she thinks she is better than us" etc. I hear when she thinks I'm gone. When she's pissed off she tells me to my face and puts me down.
She also tells other family members my personal business and secrets that I've told her in private. Once my family members mention whatever she's told them about me at family get togethers I feel humiliated.
I honestly don't know why she does it. I would never ever do it to her, she's my mom!
The last time she hurt my feelings was 2 days before Christmas I had spent most of my check on the bills and gifts for her and my siblings and while we were shopping for gifts last minute. I saw that she had a lot of gifts picked out for everyone. I said (jokingly) "dang do I have a gift in there somewhere". She snapped at me and said, "I'm getting gifts for the family members who actually matter".
:( what should I do?

[Itsmeyay]

You just did it to you mom... Anyway, I feel your pain, am friends with people in the same boat, it's pretty easy to say just get out, but doing it is much harder, I sit there and their mom too shit about them to me, and then also talks shit about me, Im not even in that family, yeah but I understand, the only advise that i could give is.

Stay sane, keep your head straight don't make stupid desicions, one of them took a boyfriend to get out of the house, she got a child, and the boyfriend dumped her, now she is back in the house with a child, and the mom is worse with her.

She will always insult, I learned that, that is who she is, there is no changing her, it's a lost cause, I think if you were to safe as much as you can as fast as you can it would help a lot to get you away from that environment. So if she gets less money from you, guess what she's going to do? Still insult... Yes, same thing... Might as well save

That environment is really toxic for you, no matter how much you love your mom. You have to think about your own future also, you have to get out. I see that you are past 18, ask your work for an apartment, as a friend (female) to stay with them, rather pay rent there, but you have to at least try to get out. When you are still sane, this kind of stuff makes lasting long term effects, your husband is going to suffer because of what your mom turned you into, your chidren, you have to think about that.

I trick that i saw my friends learned was to talk, they would purposefully in front of the family say for instance "mom, I washed the dishes, did the laundry, paid the bill, cleaned the house, what do you want to do with the dog, wash today or tomorrow" so the family hears that and that ultimately made their mom's bul shit come out in the end, they spoke with her numerous times but she is who she is.

Hope this helps.

[Asker]

Did what exactly?

[Itsmeyay]

I misread your article, sorry, that was my mistake, you quoted what she said, I thought you said it about her. "She's useless", "She's always sitting on her ass",.

wouldn't think it unfair if you did say it about her either though, but I know you didn't and I'm sorry for the first sentence in my opinion.

[Asker]

Oh, it's ok. But no matter what my mother does or say I'll never talk badly about her. I'm just not wired that way. In 3 months I'll be moving out. I've been saving for awhile now. The only reason I've stayed this long is because of my 3 youngest sisters. They feel like my children more than anything and I can't imagine not living with them and not waking up to them daily, but it's way passed time for me to start my own life.
Thank for the advice by the way :)

[Asker]

**Thank you

[Itsmeyay]

Welcome, and sorry again.

[rihannanavy]

My mom does that about my sister. What works for my sister is she just brings up how she was the second mom growing up like you and missing out. It guilts her and shows her that she's being mean without saying it. If she feels that way do your own thing. Success is the best way to rub it in anyone's face who has ever doubted you. Also my sister sometimes makes my mom jealous by doing stuff for others. When my mom says something she says, "Well, they appreciate every thing I do!" Smirk. My mom has definetly stopped now.

[Paris13]

Pardon, Mommy Dearest Here, Dear... I think she is Probably going through PeriMenopause and cannot Help Herself.
Some, hun, get Bolder when they get Older, Take it from Me with a Mom, where Many times I have to remember that "Mum's the word," and Silence is Golden.
Later this is Called "Change of Life."
Good luck. xx

[Paris13]

*There is this Jealousy Here, dear, on mom's part from her own heart. xx

[Paris13]

You don't "Have" to do anything to have mom just be like this. xx

[BellePepper]

Do you NEED her for anything at this point?

[douride2]

You could always just move out.