Friend of fiance - crush?

I've been with my fiance for 2 years and I really love him, but lately I've gotten a crush on one of our mutual friends. I'm a really sexual person but with my fiance the sex has never been that great and has gotten kind of infrequent, but every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. I won't cheat on him (I'm not a cheater) and I think the friend is too close to both of us to do something like that. So here's the question... Last weekend we all went out to have some drinks and we were stuffed into kind of a tight corner table, and my knee was up against the friend's thigh. I couldn't move without getting squished by the wall, but he could've scooted over. He didn't, he just left it there. And lately, he's been texting me more than usual and sometimes says things that seem flirtatious, but he's not the kind of person that would hurt a friend like that. What's going on? Does he have a thing for me too?

Yeah, I did tell him to put in the work. He got all hurt that he wasn't satisfying me, and swore he'd try. But, that was like a year ago and nothing has changed in the sex dept, except I'm more frustrated! Sucks, because otherwise, he's perfect.
That's what I'm afraid of, Zebolt. I am horribly confused.
Thanks Zebolt. That's what I needed to hear. And asking strangers is helpful... :) There's distance and less bias than can be found with friends. I don't know what to do about my man. I do love him, but obviously this is a problem. (continued)
I'm rational but my brain is sort of muddy with lust these days. I needed a good slap in the face, I think. :)
Thanks cajoi. I have talked to him in depth about what I like, want, need, etc. He just didn't take the ball and run with it. I do feel like an jerk for letting sex get in the way of a great relationship, but this is marriage we're going into.
I just realized I can comment directly on answers. Sorry people, this is my first time here. :)


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think it's pretty common to be in a relationship and find someone else attractive that is not your significant other, even to the point that you call it a "crush." It's what you do (or don't do) about it that really makes the difference.

    It sounds to me like your "crush" has picked up on your attraction and he's wedging himself in, possibly with bad intentions.

    Personally, I wouldn't tell your fiance anything. I would give it some time. Your crush could fizzle out pretty quick.

    As far as sex with your husband goes, first of all you say it was never that great, and even the not-so-great sex has gotten infrequent. Did you ask him if there's something that YOU could do to get him turned on more often? It's one thing to tell someone you want something, and it's another to passively persuade them. "Perform Perform Perform!" doesn't make me want to hop in the sack with my girlfriend. Neither does her throwing herself at me.

    I believe sex is very important in a relationship, and it sucks that this is the only department that is lacking in the relationship. Before making any drastic decisions (telling him, counseling, Ending it, Screwing his buddy), I would give a few other things a try: Ignore the crush, and see if there's something that you can do to turn your fiance on to entice him, instead of ordering him.

    Zebolt's on the right track, but I believe that sometimes things can collapse by trying to disect them with something like counseling, or by telling him like cajoi said. I personally think if you need counseling now, you have no business getting married! This should be something that you should be able to work out on your own, with more of a subtle, natural approach.


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What Guys Said 4

  • The sooner you either end this relationship or get couples' counseling, the better. If this relationship was so perfect, and only suffered from a low sex frequency, you wouldn't be on the Internet asking strangers if they think your "fiance's" friend wants to bang you. Because you care...why, exactly? If you are so committed, and would never cheat on your man, then put a swift end to anything that resembles an unsavory approach from his friend's part.

    A low sex frequency isn't likely to improve by getting married. If this is what it's like now, I can imagine where it'll go after the nuptials. Get counseling and sort out the sex life, or find different paths. Don't think you need counseling? Okay, then show him this thread. No, can't do that? Why?

    I can't answer your original question because I don't know this particular "friend." But what I can tell you, having seen this again and again, is that when you reach the point when you are "wondering" about someone outside your relationship and how they feel about you, to the point where you preoccupy your mind with whose knee touched whose and why, then even if you're not banging them in a motel room yet, you ARE deconstructing your relationship. You are drifting away from it. At this point you can still salvage it; later on, God only knows.

    Take from that what you will.

  • well do what makes you happy, gotta be a little selfish to be happy, just don't f*** anyone over including yourself.

  • This will not end well.

  • probably, flirt back and see what happen's but other then that you should tell your man to put in some work!


What Girls Said 3

  • Sounds like you need to make a decision whether or not a brief sensual flirtation is worth throwing away a two year relationship, because if you take this any farther it will not end well for either of you. If your man isn't doing his job in the bedroom and the problem is enough that it's opening the door for another man to get in between the two of you...then you need to come clean about your problems. I'm not saying that you should tell your fiance that you are having sexual thoughts about his friend because that will only cause problems between the two of them, but you need to tell him that this has become more of a problem then you anticipated and you cannot in good faith marry him when you're on the verge of letting sexual frustration making you do something that you'll regret.

    If you love your fiance the way you say you do, the best thing that you can do is tell the truth. Tell him that this isn't about you trying to hurt his feelings, but that you're a very sexual person and that you would appreciate it if he would listen more attentively to your needs and wants in the bedroom. You need to come up with suggestions, different things that he can do to please you. Men are not psychic so if you aren't giving him some sort of a guide as to the sort of things you do or do not like in the bedroom, you can hardly expect things to change. Since he's not as sexual as you are, he's going to need some help and a little guidance. If you want sex more frequently then say so. If you want oral sex before intercourse, ask for it. If you want to be touched more, show him where. If you want to role-play, then surprise him one night. Help make it happen. Don't just tell him he's not satisfying you and then expect that things will magically change. Sexual relationships, like all relationships, take work. If you want something better, then work together and the two of you can make it happen.

    If your fiance is perfect in all other aspects and you love him, then you owe him the truth. Give it some time, if after a few months, you see that despite what you're doing to get him to come along that he's just not willing to put in the work, then perhaps it's time to thing about moving on. Sexual compatibility is a big deal and while some people may think it's a shallow reason to break up with someone--a lot of people would disagree. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and that's a long time to spend with someone who isn't satisfying you in all aspects.

    • Then the only thing that you can do is be honest with him that things aren't working out, give him a chance and see what he says and go from there.

  • It seems like this mutual friend of you and you're fiances has a thing for you. If you're feeling this way even if it's just a crush you should talk to you're fiancé about it. Tell him that you're unsure right now and need a little time. If you do this take this time to think and see if there is something really there with this other guy. It might be hard for you to tell you're fiancé this but it's unfair to him that you might have a thing for someone else. Also if you take time to think you might realize how much you love you're fiancé and how sure you are about him. I'm sure in the end it will all work out but just do what you want to do and what you feel will be the right decision so you are happy.

  • tell him its really botherring you and you'll leave if it not better