He has told me 3x's in the last 2 months that he wishes I would just leave. We have only been married a 1 1/2 yrs. We have a 7 month old baby together. He says he is depressed but doesn't want help he says I deserve better and wishes I would just go. He calls me names, and I haven't left yet. I still love him and I am really confused I don't know what to do.
If he truly is depressed then he needs you more than ever. Depression is a strange thing. You feel like you need someone to lean on yet you're full of anger and bitterness and end up hurting your relationships with people you love. He is hurting inside and sees himself through a distorted lens. He thinks he is a waste of life and the world would be a better place without him. And when you feel like that you think that your presence weighs everyone else down and it would be better to remove yourself from them.
When you're depressed although you are physically capable you have little to no will, desire or power to help yourself. He's not going to be appreciative or thankful at first but you need to be stubborn and help get through this.
Talk to your doctor. Even a GP is capable of prescribing anti-depressants. Check your local yellow pages for psychologists or psychiatrists and see if you can talk to one about it. Have them make him an appointment but let them know he doesn't know so they might not charge you if he doesn't show. Sometimes when your depressed you're secretly crying or longing for help and he won't do it himself.
This is a challenging situation for you, please be strong.
Is there any specific reason why he feels that 'you deserve better'? Has something happened that you know of which has changed your relationship, or at least how he sees it.
If he is depressed he should seek counselling, even if he doesn't want medication.
Trihill's contribution is right, talk to parents, also friends and other family members who may be close enough to have some impact on the situation.
If there is no one else involved and you think that he still loves you as you love him then you need to keep fighting for the marriage and help him any way you can to get through this.
I do know that when people are dealing with things that are difficult for them they can lash out at those they love the most, when the last thing they want is what they actually say. I wonder if this is relevant to your case?
Jeeze...wake up people. Lots of advice...most of it dangerous.
If he is truly dealing with depression, you leaving right now isn't going to make things better.
Depression is a downward cycle that feeds on itself. Why get help...he doesn't feel he's worth the effort.
You want a way to get him to pull his head out? You want to save your marriage? You want him to live through this? Has that last one crossed your mind?
Call everyone...Family, CLOSE friends, your pastor/priest, and a therapist.
You want lots of bodies there as a show of force, and as a well of reason. If his friends won't let him walk out, that can reach him. If they care enough to be there that can reach him. If his family is there that can reach him. It makes him accountable for his actions, and shows him the mirror of reality. Hell yeah it's gonna be uncomfortable...for everyone...but where should you draw the line? If you still can't reach him, at least you did all you could.
Everyone has their say...a good therapist will know how to set it up.
If it sounds extreeme...well, how far are you willing to go to save your marriage? Perhaps his life?
Don't take my word for it. make a few phone calls. Talk to a few people in the industry. Don't let fear stop you.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you at least make a call or two.
Tell him you love him. Then tell him you trust that he will figure it out. Tell him you will be here for him when he is ready to talk about it. Then just let him go. Leave and go stay with someone else for awhile. You need to trust that what ever he is going through he can figure it out on his own. The best way to help him is to let him know you care and then do nothing else. He needs time to be alone.
The reality is that he doesn't know what the reality will be..
If you are truly interested in saving this marriage then first pray about it, yes..pray.. prayer is very powerful...
However, you may have to do what he wants. Tell him that you are leaving to save the marriage. BUT, tell him (and be very clear about this) if he starts dating other people it is over for good.
So, take the child and everything that is needed for the baby and yourself, crib, diapers toys..etc.. and go to a place you can stay (parents, a good friend, NOT a guys house though, except brother if you have one)
During this time do not let him see the child unless with you there (but only occasionally). BUT right a way have a lawyer draw up paper work for child support arrangements including amounts and dates he will need to start paying and what will happen if he doesn't pay (by the way, most states say other parent must start paying starting the day you don't live together anymore)... Trust me this will get his attention VERY quickly.. He will get p*ssed. This ok.. Remember the intent is to open his eyes, not to necessarily break up with him. Once he begins to see what the reality will be with out you there he will reconsider. Trust me, he will reconsider if he loves you and the baby. The sooner you spell out reality to him the sooner he will see what he has is a good thing. This will take some time and patience. Stay the course but be prepared to be finished with him if he cheats on you or says he doesn't care about child support and asks for a divorce. Be open to counseling and offer it often to him.
By the way, I have to say if it doesn't work out, it is in the best interest of all of you to establish fair visitation for him to see the baby on a regular basis. The with holding is just a ploy to get him to realize what he is loosing.
I think that you should try to get him help. It is more likely that he will kill himself if you are to leave because you and your child may be the only things keeping him from killing himself. If you leave him he will only get worse. You need to get him professional help. It may help if you can bring in his parents to help because if he is as bad as you say you need to try and watch him at all times so that he does not hurt himself and with a child that will be hard. Also by bringing in his parents you may be able to "guilt" him into not hurting himself.
I'd dig deeper into why he says he's depressed. Is he using that as a cop out because he's not in love with you any more? is the fact of being a father to deep for him? is he in love or want someone else? Him telling you that you deserve better and that he wants you to leave seems a little superfical. Reality is that you two are married and he's a dad. It's time for him to cowboy up and start being a man. With that said it's time for you to cowgirl up and decide if the situation for your baby is safe. Name calling? sounds like some true issues for this fella. Has this just started or has he had issues from start? A lot of unanswered questions here. But over all...you have the baby to take care of so why is it he wants you to leave? Why doesn't he leave since he's so unhappy with everything. It doesn't sound fair for him to want to stay there and you and the baby leave. Tell him to leave if he's that unhappy. On a second note you should seek advice from an attorney as well just so you know your options. A lot of states consider you as abandoned if you leave even if he wanted you to. This could also cause you some custody issues if he wanted to push it. Good luck.
wow I'm sorryt o write this, I understand you guys have a baby, but really, that guy doesn't deserve youu..go away from him, you have ur child, live for ur child not him, some guys are fukkkin assholes..and he's bored, he wants to try other girls I can tell, so fukk that guy, do the same, or just be single with ur son...i would love to meet a girl, lol I'm 20 and I want to get marry alredyy lol, and I won't be an assholee like he is relly :p . . .. good luck, if you need someone to talk to, message mee, and I'm sorry for all the stuff you going thru.
I know it's not easy because you have a baby with him, but how healthy is it for your baby to grow up in that kind of environment? He is not emotionally stable, doesn't respect you by calling you names... Do you want your baby to be around that?
Leave smart though. - child support, place to stay, etc.
As for his depression. You can't help him.
There are so many reasons why he could be depressed. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore, but feels stuck... or maybe he feels useless... or maybe he just doesn't want to be married..or he feels his life is meaningless...or he is so overwhelmed... there are so many... and the only thing you can do is.. respect his wishes. He wants you to go, so go.
Someone who loves you, regardless of how "depressed" they may be, will not beg you to leave. He calls you names hoping you will hate him and just go. .. That should tell you something.
Sometimes you need to let go in order to see the truth.
Honestly it sounds a little like he wants you to leave because he feels that you deserve better. Sometimes one partner will push the other away because he doesn't feel as though he is worthy and he does really love her so he wants her to be as happy as possible with someone who can provide that.
Problem number two (and the reason he thinks you deserve better than him) is the depression. No he does not want to get help but depressed clients never do. They feel as though the world is crushing them and there is no hope. That is dangerous because once people start losing hope, they start becoming suicidal. You should encourage him to go to a counselor for help. If he absolutely refuses that, try some smaller methods of helping him. 1. Get him to eat healthy. 2. Get him to go out with friends or with you.. depressed clients WILL NOT go out unless they are forced, but it can be worth it afterward because social interaction rejuvinates us and helps us to feel better (humans are social creatures). 3. Make him work out. Start with just one lap around the block. A game of basketball. Get him up, get him active. Trust me, it has been shown time and again that depressed clients benifit the most from the mix of interaction, action, support (counseling), and medication. If you can get him to do the first two then he may be more likely to do the last two.
I am sorry you are going through this, try to be strong.
As this was awhile ago, I'm not sure if you are still in the same predicament.
I've been in a similar situation. A man I love so much keeps on telling me that you deserve better, you are a wonderful person and you would be better off with someone else.
He has depression from having no access to his 2yr old son for 18 months from his first wife and I think a lot of his negative language comes out of this relationship and the way his father treated him. He is really not sure what he wants. He says he loves me so much too and it pains him to push me away, but he does it out of love, as he feels he cannot offer me a future.
I continue to encourage him and tell him don't worry about the future, let's just work things through on what we know. He doesn't call me names, but he constantly criticises me and I feel at times quite down myself. I feel this is all part of the way people have treated him in the past and I know it is not directly aimed at me.
I encourage you to hang in there, if you feel that you do not want to walk away, especially with a young child you've had together. Once children come, the focus has to be about them first, then yourself.
Trying to talk to him about the deeper issues on where this is coming from. Why doesn't he feel worthy to be with you? Is he pushing you away out of love? Then, most likely you can salvage this relationship. By his language, he sounds like it. Emotional therapy will help you both to sort the deeper issues - they are never the ones that come to surface. We are all good at disguising what we really want to say, usually out of fear.
OK, depression is serious and scarying him into realization isn't going to work but no you do not have to put up with abuse out of fear he will harm himself. he could just as easily harm you or the baby. find a way to take care of your housing and other needs w/o him because he's probably not going to be much help to you until he gets help. if he's not willing to help himself or work on the marriage, what really can you do for him? youve got to take care of your child and yourself.
Sweetie, he doesn't deserve you. You don't deserve to be treated that way either, you should be treated like the princess that every girl is supposed to be. He does not have the right to put you down, no matter how he is feeling. Love is about respect, trust, honesty and attraction. He isn't respected you. I'm sure you've done tons for him, you even gave him a beautiful baby. Why would a man wish away a women he loves? Why should he be depressed? He has a lovely wife, and a baby! I understand that you love him, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you. If he's depressed you leaving, should hurt him more. He shouldn't want that. You need to worry about your baby and yourself and get out of this situation. Bad things could come from it. He needs professional help, wether he wants it or not.
tell his lazy ass to leave then! Don't leave him or else it will be difficult ot get child support, he may know this and is doing it for that. Tell him he needs to make that decision instead of trying to put the pressure on you...god what kind of man can't even break up with someone? he has to try and make you do it for him?!?!?! screw him
I think it really depends on what is really going on. Why is your husband so depressed? Does he tell you to leave while your fighting? If he's a drinker does he tell you when he's sober?
Depression is a very serious and its hard on the person dealing with it but its also really hard on those around them. I'm sure everyones right and your husband does need you right now. But in all honesty if you have tried to help him or have asked him to get help there is only so much you can do. I know people who suffer from depression and while I'm always there when they need me its really hard for me to be around them for long periods of time. If he is not willing to get help and whatever he is depressed about isn't going to get better anytime soon you might think about what would be best for you.
My parents are going through a very similar situation. For them its money problems that have brought on their depression. My dad does the same thing to my mom. He tells her to leave and he calls her names. They've been together for 20 years and this has been going on for awhile. I think my moms starting to despise my dad. They're both great people and I know they love each other but sometimes you just have to do what's best for you. I can honestly tell you as someone who is affected by what my parents do...and they're going through a similar situation...sometimes I wish they would have just split up. I know its hard on kids but seeing both of your parents unhappy and just making each other more miserable is worse than having them live in separate houses.
So maybe step back and look at the whole picture. What is your husband depressed about? Is it something that you can help him fix and hopefully end the depression or is it something that has to fix itself? Have you sat down and talked to him seriously about this? That you love him and you want to be there for him but you just don't know how to help him. That you are considering leaving...if you really are...don't just throw that out there if you really aren't. Ask him again to go get help...maybe do most of the work yourself in finding someone he can talk to and calling ahead...maybe even talk to them yourself first. Then present the idea to him.
Like I said before if he tells you with all seriousness that you should leave and he won't get help you will have to decide what is best for you and your baby. Sometimes the best thing isn't the easy thing.
I hope this help...Good Luck! I hope everything works out for you.
I know you probably don't want the advise of a teenager, but I do think I know what I'm talking about. I know that your husband says he doesn't want any help, but it's a pride thing. He needs professional help. He tell you to leave because he thinks that is what's right for you and the baby-- he obviously still loves you. Don't leave. Talk to him about how you feel. Tell him you still care and will always be there for him.
I suffer from some depression and it runs in my family too. Both her and myself go through stuff kinda like that. If I get in my depressed mode, I push my boyfriend away from me and kinda treat him badly, but not on purpose. It's kinda so he can't see me at my worst. And I feel like he doesn't deserve me and I tell myself all these bad things about myself.
He is probably wanting attention, without being selfish about it! he needs the RIGHT kind of attention which is medical help. That's what I did.
Wow. If he doesn't want help then you can't help him. I know it may be hard to leave because you love him but you have to think of what's right for the baby is that the right environment to raise a child in? Maybe you should take his advice and leave because he could do something harmful to you and the child because he's depress. If he's saying you deserve better then I believe you do too! You need to be In a healthy relationship
I have to say this is a sad situation! The truth is when we love someone often times those are the ones we hurt the most and take for granted. Not saying that he is intentionally trying to hurt or take you for granted but just saying that is the way it normally happens. On this, I would have to say to stay! If he is going through any type of depression, then he needs YOUR Support! His mouth may say leave but in his heart, he really wants and needs you to be there for him. He could be telling you to leave because he hates for you to see him that way. What I would say is stand by him, show him that you truly love him and that he can trust and last but not least Pray about it! God will certainly guide you and give you peace and strength in the process!
My husband also told me 3 days ago he's thinking about leaving. I was in shock. Thought we had a great marriage. He says he "loves me" but he's not happy. My husbands been depressed since his dad died 8 years ago. I've told him I think he's depressed several times and have encouraged him to see his Dr. He wont. I'm a Registered Nurse and deal with depressed folks daily so I think I'm qualified to diagnose depression. I think its easier for him to blame me for his unhappiness. We don't fight, he's not abusive in any way. He is a good man and I love him dearly. I don't know what to do. I'm devastated. He has agreed to see a marriage counselor. I made the appointment today. We'll see if this helps. I'm scared.