Is anyone ashamed of their parents?

Question

And how do you deal with it? I try not to be ashamed of both my parents, but they're just so different from the normal society. It makes me feel different and I don't know how to be accepted in the world when I feel I come from parents who I'm ashamed of.

I love my mom for all that she has done, but it upsets me that she makes such bad choices and it has reflected my life entirely. She always settles for less and this has made me settle for less. Then there's my father is who is liar, a jerk, a dog and lied to my mother and he's vain, ignorant, selfish and arrogant, and I can't stand that about him and want nothing to do with him.

Sometimes I'm afraid I will end up that way and I will never find a good man, one whose responsible, smart, honest and kind. I try not to let my image of my father distort my view on men but its hard when I feel ashamed coming from him and ashamed that if I dated a man who was a good guy if he found out about what I come from he wouldn't want me and think I'm damaged goods. I don't think I am considering I respect myself, I stand up for my rights, I don't drink or do drugs and I take care of myself, but still somehow I have not the image of myself but the image of my parents that are stuck in my head making me think I am not worthy of a good man who comes from a good family and wouldn't want my parents to be there in-laws one day.

I don't know how to overcome this insecurity and try not to be ashamed, but its hard when I watch everyone else around me come from families with money and who are successful and raised their kids to be that way. I've thought many times recently to just cut my family out of my life completely once I'm settled down or living on my own just because I'm so different from them and they're full of drama!

rfcmvp · Accepted Answer

Hey,

I know exactly how you feel. I am embarrassed of both my parents. They definitely don't "fit" in with societal norms and I'm often worried that their upbringing is so far ingrained in me that it may lead to a dysfunctional family of my own.

The age gap between my mom and dad is almost 20 years, so you can imagine that that in of itself is recipe for disaster. It was an arranged marriage, but I've been told that my father's side of the family lied to my mom's saying that he was only 10 years older than her. Not that 10 would have been a whole lot better. While I do give my dad credit for never being physically abusive or an alcoholic, I'm not sure if I can forgive him for the emotional damage he's done to my family. My mom lacks a lot of confidence to the point that she doesn't leave home. She simply sits in front of a television and takes care of the home. My dad complains that she's not social, but I mean when my mom is married to a man who ridicules her and is so controlling, I'm not surprised. My dad expects the women to stay at home. Once for Mother's Day, I offered to wash the dishes, but my dad scolded me saying it was a woman's task. While he'll let me go on road trips with my friends, he's stopped my sister from doing so...simply because she's a girl. I hate living under such circumstances, but my dad is so old and stuck in his ways that he won't change. My mom, she's never going to be the mom that she should be, she can't.

I wish I could tell you how to cope with this, but it's something I struggle with too. The other day I was thinking about graduating from university this year and how ashamed I would be of having my parents meet my friends and my friends' parents at graduation. The thought scares me and I'm considering not telling my parents about my graduation ceremony. My friends come from successful families and they seem to have been brought up well. I know how this can make you feel.

I think you should take the fact that you recognize your parents ways as being archaic a positive sign. You're smart enough to know how not to behave or act. If you're worried that there are still certain things that may be ingrained in you and are wrong, consider therapy. Discussing with a therapist should help you sort these things out. I also recommend reading the books that are out there. There are many self-help books and books about relationships and how to conduct oneself. These could be good guidance too. I wouldn't worry about becoming like your parents. You recognize what they're doing is wrong and that is 50% of the solution to not becoming like them.

Also, remember that the guy whose into you shouldn't really care about your parents. After growing up with mine, I'm a firm believer that its the individual that matters, not their parents. If the guy is serious about you, he's willing to stick by you through thick or thin, including your parents.

Sorry for rambling, I just felt so strongly about this and had to share.

sezchwarn · Accepted Answer

Wow, it's as if you have the same life as me. There is nothing positive about my Dad and my Mum has allows herself to be sucked into his negativity, I think, because she has been too weak to set boundaries or leave. I am ashamed to the point that I feel gross thinking that I came from them, especially him. I feel dirty when I think about how his genes are in me- almost like how I imagine a sex abuse victim feels. Forced intimacy that disgusts me.

I've learnt that the best way to deal with uncomfortable emotions is to go deeper into them and as much as possible express them. It's the repression that hurts. It's hard though when such feelings are negative about the very people you are 'supposed' to feel most positive about. It leaves you feeling very lonely. Which only goes to make me more disgusted with such people that can have children so casually, without any regard for whether they can offer what is needed.

I don't worry about finding someone good or being a good father myself. I just worry that I will never be able to get over not having what seems to be, from a common sense standpoint and an emotional standpoint, a very fundamental basis for a happy life. But then again, I know people who have completely cut off from their father who seem to be relatively normal and happy. So perhaps, it's not fundamental. Hope so.

Simple-Simonette · Accepted Answer

As long as you are aware of how NOT to be, you'll be fine.

Like one answerer said - your parents are not a reflection of you. You don't have to cut ties, but you don't have to associate yourself with their behavior either. Just as long as you understand that the choices they make have nothing to do with who you are - you'll be fine.

As for your future boyfriend - there are a lot more dysfunctional families out there than you realize. I think in this generation, people are more open about their weird families than in mine. When I was growing up, all negative aspects of family life were hush hush. Now everyone's talking about it!

My mother used to follow my philandering dad around with me and my sisters, then ambush him violently in public while us kids just watched and cried, one time she whacked him with her high heels in a parking lot. Now it's a funny little anecdote I use to illustrate just how unlike my parents I am.

You are not them, and you will never be them. the guys in your life will be more understanding than you realize.

Good luck.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

i get that feeling too. and hoping one day when I have kids I won't be anywhere near like my parents. I want my kids to grow up happy, not miserable and alone when they feel down or feel like their parents can't support them and think that they don't need them.

At this point the only thing my parents are giving me is a roof over my head. that's about it.

I always thought I was the only one :/

IAmAnon123 · Answer

I'm in a similar situation. My dad is nothing like that, but you described my own mother perfectly. I'm constantly worrying that the way I was raised is going to have negative effects on all aspects of my success.

As for your situation, (I should probably listen to my own advise, but for some reason I can never do that), I wouldn't worry too much about your family scaring all the guys away. Unless your dad is crazy to the point of physical violence, I'm sure whatever guy you find will be willing to deal with some drama to be with you.

iXenomorph · Answer

Sometimes, but not at anything big.

My mom and dad can't shut the F*** up in the middle of a theater. They keep talking and annoying other people. Sometimes they fall asleep and snore really loudly...

I'm 19, but my dad tries to play rock, paper, scissors with me, when I'm waiting in a line. Helloo...

My dad talks really loud. He has a hearing aid so he has to talk louder so he can hear himself but it's embarrassing sometimes. Like at the Doctor's office when I take him, sometimes the nurse says, "Mr xxx the doctor may see you now," to which he replies;

"DID THE NURSE JUST SAY THAT I CAN SEE THE DOCTOR NOW?"

Anonymous · Answer

You can't choose your parents,  you are also geting old enough to realize they aren't perfect, and that you have a choice to make a life that you want, as you see fit,  they  made their lives how they see it, its a reflextion of them,   you can't change them, they did and do the best that they can for you and themselves, its not easy but  you have hope...you can move out, and live life on your own terms, part of growing up and realising what you want then going and making it happen.

sinful1620 · Answer

Everyone is a little ashamed of their parents, and all parents are a little disappointed in their children. The best you can do is learn from their mistakes.

Littletad · Answer

Your parents, past, and heritage don't define who you are or who you will become. It's what you do with your life and your accomplishments.

darkknight1x · Answer

I'm ashamed of my parents. They are embarrassing in front of my friends. If I had a girlfriend I'd be mostly embarrassed to introduce my mom to her.

Anonymous · Answer

There's no need to be ashamed of your parents. They are not a reflection of who you are.  Y ou're not them. You make your own choices in life

Anonymous · Answer

My mom is/was a stripper/drugie. My dad is a drug/ie dealer. Imagine how I feel, dear.

EddyMetal · Answer

Nothing major, but my dad named his car "Big Daddy's Pimp Sled." For shame.

Brooke03 · Answer

Not both my parents but I'm ashamed of my dad.

Anonymous · Answer

yes I am

Is anyone ashamed of their parents?

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