Women with children from another man?

[Da-Boss]

Okay ladies, this question is based on a recent interaction I had this past weekend. Guys you can chime in too if you have had similar experiences.

I met a very beautiful woman while I was out this weekend and we hit it off fairly well and quickly. During a conversation she brought up the fact that she was recently divorced. I was like that's fine. People make mistakes. But then after that she told me she had two kids with this man that she just got custody of.

Now that is a big deal breaker for me. I will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER be with a woman that has kids with another man. That is just a no no for me. I told her it was nice knowing her and then I left her. She got upset and asked me why her having kids was such a big deal. I told her because no matter how hard she tries, those kids will have a part in her life, and if I'm with you, mine as well. And I don't want to have to look at some stranger children and be reminded of you mistakes.

Women, do you really expect men you meet after marriages or relationships that produced children to accept your children from another man? Do you really think I'm going to waste money that I have worked hard for in my life to earn and help feed, clothe, shelter, and raise another man's children?

Granted there are a lot of men out there that do this BS, but I just don't understand it. That is the ultimate form of cuckoldry to me. Having kids with one man and then having another man raise them? Not on my watch.

Ladies, how to you feel about this topic? And guys what would you do in a similar situation?

[lost-angel]

Damn you're harsh. YOu just up and left. lol. Sucks for her. Or you. Never know, maybe she was the right one for you.

I understand where you are coming from though. And as much as I wouldn't like to agree with you, I am the same way.

I kinda-sorta dated this guy a long time ago, good looking, caring, sensitive, family oriented. all the good stuff. He was perfect. But, he had a son. And it REALLY really bothered me. I kept telling myself to be open minded about it, and accept it. And I tried everytime. But, it was hard. I felt like I was lying to myself. We went out for 3 months, but never had sex. Although I wanted to sooo bad, I just couldnt. He tried to help me understand and proved to me everyday that I meant something to him. But as we grew alil closer together, I started thinking, well if we do get married, then I would be considered his 2nd wife, and when we have a baby, it wouldn't be our first experience together. And it might not be a big deal to some ppl, but for me it is.

There are a lot of men and women Iv talked to who didn't mind these things. They called it, an "instant family" haha, which is true. But, just not for me, I guess.

I envy the other people who are so open about these things, and can easily accept it. But I don't think I can ever be them.

To answer your question though, if I were a single mom, I wouldn't even try to be with anyone. Like, I wouldn't expect anyone to want to be with me. It wouldn't be fair to him, in every way.

But if he insists, and truly embraces the whole package, it would mean a lot to me, and I guarantee he would be the happiest man alive :) well ofcourse he would, hez with me :p

Sigh.

[Da-Boss]

Haha. Only the strong survive in Los Angeles. You got to just up and leave. Excellent answer. My thoughts exactly. I knew women had to have mixed feelings about raising another woman's kid as well.

And if that chick was the right one for me, I must have been too late. Because some other dude already got to her and spread his seed with her. No thanks.

[sanam]

You're straight-forward, and you know that a woman with a child is not for you!

I can respect that, but you just need to be a little more sensitive to the woman's feelings in this situation!

I mean, I understand your point of view, I don't step out of the house intentionally looking for a man with a kid, I guess I've been told that I'm pretty kind and big hearted and I love children but I just don't know if I can love another woman's child as I would love my own! (just my opinion)

and that wouldn't be fair to the child, everyone deserves a mother's love, which is unconditional, which I wouldn't be able to give another woman's child! (dont hate me for this)

but I wouldn't totally dismiss a guy if he has a kid, I'd definitely respect him for the commitment he has made.

[Da-Boss]

THANK YOU! A woman with a head on her shoulders. You have just made my day. Great answer.

[sanam]

Hey you!

no problem!

i actually thought that some people would judge me wrongly, or make some wrong assumptions about me based on this answer!

but, I'm glad that you understand me!

[HaggardDiva]

I totally 100% respect your answer. You are being honest, without being rude about it.

[sanam]

Hey, thanks!

[dreday]

Well, first of all, you shouldn't think so quick to break up with the girl. Not saying "Oh poor her"

But "Oh poor YOU!"

Kids are a joy. They teach you the simpler things in life that are fun. But hey if the lady thinks she's getting money out of you, oh boy that should be the deal breaker. Her child support and her job should take care of that. If the girl can't keep her kids separate from her dating world then she's just screwed.

Most guys won't want to be a father to a child they didn't ask for. Some guys embrace it. You just have to kindly voice that.

Hope you one day change your mind about subject. I'm actually a single mother. I have a boyfriend and he never sees her. He sees her only at functions and that's about it! Hope I helped.

[Da-Boss]

Good answer. I'm glad to see some mature women answering on here finally. I doubt my mind will change, but I will be sure to let women know sooner that I won't deal with their kids from a previous man.

[dreday]

Well it's all good then you definitely know what you want in life. If kids from another man aren't your cup of soup. Kudo's for voicing it at the get go.

[dreday]

Well if kids aren't your cup of soup kudos for voicing it and ending it at the get go.

[TheOtherDave]

I have been in this position before as a man entering into a relationship with a woman who had a child from a previous relationship.

I really don't think the women often appreciate just how incredibly hard it is for a man to do that. We're fragile at the bet of time and often a lot more insecure than you realise. Not only do we have to deal with the fact that another man has a lifetime biological connection to your partner, even if you go on to have children of your own, someone else will still always be the father of her first child. You can never escape that hold he'll have on her.

Also, when you start a new relationship there's that magic time when you feel like the most important thing in your partners world. That's incredibly special and you'll miss that.. If the woman has children you'll *never* be the most important thing in her world. Sure, she may love you and appreciate you, but when it comes down to it the children will always come before you.

I've been there, whenever there's a challenge to deal with or maybe you have a disagreement about something the wall comes up around her & the child and as long as *they* are ok, that's all that matters. I loved my last girlfriend *and* her son, treated him like he was my own and he told his mum many times that he wished I was his dad, yet still any little blip along the way and she'd circle the wagons with them on the inside and me on the outside and that hurts like hell.

Never again.

[WeaponZero]

If I had to answer this question without thinking about it first, I would say that you're a dick and that I would never do what you did in this situation. But after thinking about it for a while I would have to say that maybe you're right. Though my reasons differ, I don't think I could do it either. I have a very very strict ideal on the way a child should be raised and it would kill me to sit there and watch her raise her children in a way I didn't approve, knowing that there's nothing I could do about it because I'm not actually the father. Too many parents today (especially single parents) try to spoil their kids and that just isn't me. I believe in discipline and making kids work for what they want because it leads them to a better life as an adult, and I just couldn't be with a girl who wasn't raising her kids right (in my opinion) and not be able to do anything about it. I suppose it wouldn't be a problem tho if she raised her kids like I would, but the odds of finding someone like that in todays society are slim to none.

[Newport100]

When I find out the lady I am interested in has kids, my interest level plummets. I like most guys do not like the prospect of rasing the child of some loser that abandoned them.

If the woman happens to be a widow, then that is a totally different situation but then, you will be living under the ghost of her past husband because he didn't leave intentionally(unless he committed suicide).

Sorry to sound harsh but it is true.

Message to all you young ladies out there: think long and hard before you start popping babies out of your body because you think that will make the man stay because apparently it isn't true.

It seems to be a common thing nowadays, I know so many single moms with children, some of them so young. What a hard life they have being a single mom, you'll be playing life in hard mode for a long time.

Get your career going first then have children, its the only way you will protect yourself from this situation.

[Cricket]

You are right that some men have no problem with this. I guess if you get to know her and her kids, and having feelings for them, it doesn't matter who their biological father is.

You, however, cannot and should not have anything to do with someone elses kids. Being honest from the start was the right thing to do.

I've got to ask why does it bother you so much and why do you feel so strongly about it? I find it strange that you see her divorce and her kids as a mistake. I don't consider any human being a mistake. Having kids is a "deal breaker"? Is that how you view dating? You see a beautiful woman and strike up a "deal"?

She should get upset with you if she's any kind of mother. It's her children you're talking about. Not wanting to raise someone elses children is perfectly fine. That's not for you and you shouldn't do it. No problem. Next time demonstrate a little class. The only classy thing you did here was walk away.

[Da-Boss]

I don't care about divorce. Men and women break up all the time. The reason it bothers me is I had a very successful film director friend who married a movie extra that was the mother of 2 from another man. He adopted them, then 3 years later she divorced his ass and now he's paying child support for kids that aren't even his. He's a dumb ass for sure, but she's pretty grimy for even taking the money from him. Maybe it's fear? But I won't let that happen to me.

[Newport100]

I never considered that possibility, you mean to tell me that it is legal for some dude to pay child support for kids that are not even his? the biological father gets off scott free? that is total bullshit.

Thanks for enlightening me.

[HaggardDiva]

Wow, I answered a question the other day that astonished me with their ignorance, but you just trumped that person a million times over. Just because she has kids, doesn't mean that she in any way expects you to raise them. I have a kid, and while I am still with his father, no intentions of not being, if for some reason we did ever split up, I would never expect someone else to raise him, emotionally or monetarily.

How would you feel if you got a girl pregnant, and no girl every wanted to date you again because you have a kid? And on top of that a lot of guys really fall in love with their girlfriends' kids. And how dare you call it BS, it makes some men really happy to become part of some childs life, even if they are not the father. And what the F*^# does duckoldry mean?

What if the father died, then is it still horrible for the woman to ever start dating again?

[Da-Boss]

I don't have any kids, and I will not have any kids, so I don't have to worry about a woman not taking care of a kid of mine. And if I did have a kid and no woman wanted to date me, that is fine. I have no fear of being alone. And like I said there a lot of guys out there that will take another man's kids as his own. I'm not one of them. Just my opinion. That is all.

And open a book up and find out the definiton of cuckholdry.

[HaggardDiva]

My point was that a woman having children with one man and then dating down the road after things don't work out, which is what you are talking about, has NOTHING to do with a woman being unfaithful.

And what about the women that get played by men, and end up with a kid as a single mother after he skips out? That is in NO way her fault.

You are entitled to your opinion, but what makes you feel you have the right to pass judgement?

[Da-Boss]

I wasn't passing judgment. Only observations. There are plenty of women out there at age 30 with a career and no kids that I find much more attractive than a 24 year old with two kids from another man. Why should I pass up the 30 year old woman for the 24 year old mother of 2?

But since I've never knocked up someone and I have a plan for my life, I should give a dumb ass chick that let dudes play her in the past and inseminated her the same chance as a woman who didn't?

[HaggardDiva]

Just because a woman gets played does not mean that she is a dumbass.

I could totally respect you for saying that you prefer to not date someone with children. But the reason I'm getting so upset, is that you are being SO disrespectful about the way you are putting it out there. You are acting like every woman out there that has a child and isn't with the dad anymore is a whore.

[nicegirl1]

Basically this man thinks that he is too good for every woman with kids, he doesn't realize and respect the fact that the majority of single moms have way more life experience than he could ever dream of having. But as the saying go's "to each his own" where this man probably didn't give this potential wonderful lady the time of day he will probably end up miserable because what he did to her was a low blow and what go's around comes around. I really hope you think about this.

[Bubbles]

Damn then I must be one lucky b****, cause every guy I dated had no problem with me haveing kids, and wow I have 5 lookie that. So you are pretty sad little man, to say and do what you did to her you could have handled that in a much better way then saying oh sry you have kids I'm not going to be there daddy. She wasn't asking you to be there father, No guy could ever replace a kids father. I find you pretty sad, and as of now you keep that mouth, I see you as a lonly man.

[993099142]

It's not the kid's fault that the parents got a divorce. They are people too, not just commodities in your marriage.

[Da-Boss]

Of course it's not their fault. But I don't have to date women that have children. There are women out there with no children.

There are women that won't date men that still live with their parents. Man really can't help that if he's trying to make himself better but he's fallen on hard times. He could be a good guy but all they see is loser living with his parents.

Maybe it's just Southern California. The women here are pretty ruthless

[millz12]

DUDE UR A DUMBASS IT SHOULD NOT MATTER

[Da-Boss]

Thank you for insightful answer. Now I know why women don't care about geting divorced. They know men will just take their children from a previous marriage without question.