Why do people want to be friends with their ex's after they dump them?

I'm sure people have heard this before, but it's just confusing to me. I've been dumped and the women that have broken up with me say how I'm such I great guy and that they don't want me out of their life. I know they've lost interest in me, but they've really hurt my feeling by dumping me, so why would I still want to be friends with them (Its not like we were great friends before we started dating)?

My most recent ex wanted to still be friends with me, but just didn't want to be with me anymore. I just don't get why people want to be friends with someone that they have just crushed, and even worse is when the women that dumped me get mad because I don't want to talk to them after they've dumped me (especially when I take them off things like Facebook). What is the reason for all of this? Any opinions would help a lot.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well I guess if you had the experience where you were great friends with the woman before dating, you could understand that after breaking up, she would not want to lose that friendship (at the very least). But other than that, I do understand what you mean - I have tried to stay friends with exes after the break-up, but there's just too many hurt feelings. I learned the hard way that it's a slap in the face to say that you still want to stay friends with the individual, after breaking their heart. In all honesty though, whatever the reason is for the woman not wanting a relationship anymore, she really does want you still in her life. It's definitely selfish, but after spending months (or years) of time with one individual, she completely becomes attached and wants them to stay in her life - relationship or no relationship. It's your right to tell your ex that it's way too soon to start considering her as a friend, that you first need time alone, without her in your life in any way - then maybe down the line (maybe!) you two could try being friends.


What Girls Said 12

  • Just because a woman dumps a guy does not mean she intended to hurt you by breaking up with you. Allot of us would like to keep a friendship running because still the guy we let go was at some point a meaningful person in our life. We do not want the guy we were with to just disappear like we never knew each other, when at one time things were special. Even when a woman falls out of love with guy or whatever - the care for that person is usually still there(unless he did something wrong). Just as we have care and love for our friends. So I am sure they still care for you as a friend and would like to stay in touch with you. If you are so hurt by their actions and really do not want to hear from them again then you are just going to have to let them know. Just as they have broken up with you, if you decided you do not want a friendship with them it would be fair of you to completely end contact with them. I personally would prefer someone to break up if with me if they felt that had reason to, rather than remain in a relationship with a desire to break up - I would respect someone that could come to me and be honest, rather than someone that stays with me when they do not want to be.

  • I am going to be highly critical of my own gender.

    Why women want to stay friends with the guy they have dumped:

    1. Booty calls.

    2. You are the type of guy who constantly does nice favors and they don't want to loose you.

    3. Someone to talk about their issues without feeling bad about talking about them ( it's nice not having to impresa someone).

    If you have self respect, dump her completely and date someone way hotter than her.

    • Lol, well unfortunately I think I fit into #2 & 3, and I'm working on finding someone way hotter than her :D

  • from a girls point of view, I got guys saying they want to be friends with me when I have broken up with them (cuz I got the impression they lost interest), but my feelings were still involved.. I'm like huh? I'm still hurting. I cant. they have managed to creep up into my life, and I wasn't going to deny their presence because they have been there for me and vice versa. its tough rebuilding the trust, though, but there are some people you can be friends with and others not so much. give it time and see if you'll give friendship a try. out of my 6 relationships, 3 of them serious, I can maintain a friendship with only 1. everyone else is iffy. even if I tried getting close, they kept me at arms length. I gotta respect that, but if you keep reaching out for me and haven't done anything to jepordize my life, then we can be cool. there are people who hurt by accident, and there are people who hurt intentional. you're real friends will hurt by accident.

  • Probably because of the connection you two had. If you don't want to be friends with her then tell her ! If she is intent on doing right in this break-up then she would let you go.

    • Well she wanted to be friends, and maybe reconcile things later. She told me she was going to get together with other guys, I told her that I wouldn't want to be friends then. She got mad, and we've gone our separate ways. So were officially done with each other, I'm just trying to understand why she would want to be friends. Thanks for the answer!

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    • Maybe she did end it so she can see other guys. Hence why she still wants to be friends with you. Its weird though because she was the one to cause all this. Generatlly if you end it with someone, you're not too keen to become friends with them. Maybe she hasn't thought it through properly...especially given her reason for the breakup :)

    • Yeah, your guess is as good as mine at this point, I'm not even going to try to understand women anymore... my brain might explode! :)

  • Lol if you are the one who got dumped you would obviously wanna be friends because even if they hurt you you still like or love them and aren't ready to let go.

    if you are the one who dumped someone. then you may not be ready to let go either. at this point you may say then why break up? well that's because the person probably felt that they can no longer handle your flaws or the problems in the relationship but that doesn't mean they don't care.

    The women probably get mad because they may have broken up because they don't think you care about them a lot or wanted more affection from you and when they broke up with you ti might have been a test to see if you would come back to them. seeing as you might not have and instead deleted them off Facebook. they may take it as you do not care and get mad.

  • it depends on the situation but I have said this to one guy I did dump and I felt like it was my way of trying to keep at least our friendship. it did not happen because he stopped talking to me and I respect that. but some people do remain friends with an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. I felt that it was my offer that I could still talk to him and stuff like that. some aren't trying to hurt the guy but they don't realize they are.

  • My ex fiance of 5 years and I recently broke up. Apparently he's not ready to settle down. I'm wondering why he couldn't tell me that 5 years ago when he asked me to marry him and gave me a ring, but that's a different story.

    Anyways, we're not good together anymore because we're obviously looking for different things. But we both care about each other and have lots of love for each other.

  • I guess they don't want a relationship to just go to hell, They probally still want to have a relationship with you but just a frerind one

  • I think men or women,the person who initiates the break up always finds it easier to be friends with the person they broke up with. I still think it's selfish for someone to expect to be friends after they have broken a person's heart. I think the person to initiate any form of communication or friendship should be the one who was dumped. And as for the reason why a girl would want to be in touch with the ex after dumping them, to me I feel there are basically two. One, you are advantageous to have around, maybe you're kind, gentle, sweet. Second, she knows she can have you as a rebound when things are rough in her relationships, this I think goes for both men and women. Either way, if you're not comfortable then let it be. Cut them out of your life, there is nothing more painful and very difficult than being friends with someone you still love. When your feelings have gone and you are comfortable if they still want to be friends then sure thing. Hope this helps.

  • How long were you with your gf? You sound really pissed off, I've remained friends eith all my exes Some dumped me I dumped some love them so much see them like really close friends now would never ever go back to any of them

    • A few months, but I told her I didn't want a short fling with her I cared about her more than that, her actions made me feel like she felt the same way. But she dumped me, so I guess I was wrong, maybe that's why I'm a little angry.

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    • Cut her off then, if she couldn't be straight with you a break and breaking up are 2 different things, if she wants to go off and be with other guys let her, mind games is what she is playing at tell her you can't and don't want to be her friend, some people don't realize what they have till it's gone her loss, get over her and move on

    • Thanks for your help, I'm currently in the process of moving on, its been difficult. She really got in my head, and made me start thinking there was something wrong with me for a few weeks there. But I'm getting over it, I'm out meeting new ladies (none that I really like yet), but sometimes its still tough for me, but I'm sure it will pass with time. Thanks a lot!

  • they can't see things from your perspective.


What Guys Said 5

  • So many are in love with Don Trump, and you don't meaqsure up to Don, so she dumps you. But hey, you're better than him in most ways, so naturally she still wants you around. But her heart will always belong to The Donald.

  • It's all about them being selfish by keeping everything that they already had. They want to reject you, but they don't want to be rejected. The "friendship" ENDS when you become sexually attracted to someone. Either you evolve or dissolve. Think about this. What do friends do? Hang out, talk , there for you when you need them, go places, try to hook you up with someone, constantly. Those are examples but you get the picture. She wants to keep you around for the time being, not considering the feelings you have for her is going to hurt when you see her with someone else down the line. Some guys think that if she is still in his life there is a way of getting her back someday, and that's just wrong.

    By being her "friend" what does she get and you get? Lets compare. She still has you around so there is no feeling of loss, knowing she can have you anytime she wants she can set the pace on where and when she wants to see you or communicate with you, she has the freedom to be with other guys and since you are her "friend" you have no say in the matter, she already has lost the attraction and feelings for you so by you being there it helps her swim to shore while you should let her drown in feelings. When she finds another guy (sooner than you think) she will tell you excuses like "it just happened" while all around insulting your intelligence.

    Now what do you get? Watch her move on and flirt with other guys while you are still in the "picture", you haven't moved on from her and you have false hope of getting back together, the awkwardness of being alone with her and when you make a move she will tell you "wait we are just friends", hanging out with friends and her at the same time will get ridiculous especially when your other friends take her side and hit on her, when she finally finds another guy you will be forgotten about instantly because the new guy gives her what she wants and that includes the attention that you were giving her.

    These were just examples and there are much more. So as you can imagine it would be great for your ex and not for you, especially if you haven't moved on and if you are the jealous type. Moving on and cutting an ex out of your life totally is the best way to go. Is it possible to be "friends" after being dumped? Picture this. If you are no longer attracted to her, if you can watch her with other guys and imagine her banging them and not lose your mind, be an emotional tampon for when she needs your "help" or someone to talk to as one of the girls, then yes you can be her friend until she milks you dry from attention and comfort until she dumps your friendship and you will start all over again with trying to let her go and move on. I say move on, say NO to "friendship" because you have real friends already, and go find another girl that will appreciate your worth as a potential mate not as one of the girls.

    • wow dude, good stuff!

    • definitely the best answer by far, not even worth commenting my opinion, he has it spot on.

    • Right on, this is oh so right on the button.

  • They are lonely and feel bad for dumping you. They want you to be an open option should they find out their new boyfriends won't cut it. I was very close friends with a girl for many years. We dated seriously for two years. She eventually broke off an engagement because she claimed she could not tolerate being married to her "best friend". Six months without communication she contacts me saying "I still want to be friends". I told her I've moved on and met girls that actually care about me. It pissed her off, but you should do the same. I'm not recycle that someone can throw away and then pull back when wanted. You shouldn't be either.

  • Sometimes you like someone as a friend, maybe they're fun to hang out with, but you just don't like being in a relationship with them, or maybe you're not physically attracted to them for some reason.

  • Not all the connections are broken, there is usually a lot of "what if's" and the need to confirm the possibly rash decision.