How do you get out of the friend zone with an ex?

Hey Guys and Gals.

How do you get out of the friend-zone with an ex?

I have been friends for a little while with my ex after the no contact period. we have been hanging out a little but I recently found out she had a new boyfriend since we broke up. she was seeing another guy for about a few weeks before this but I think that may have been a fling or a rebound.

Now she is 28 and he is 20 so I am finding it really hard to deal with, the fact that she is dating a "kid" ya see I'm 32 and don't understand why a girl at that age sees in such a young boy?

Is this her rebound relationship?

Any way I am caught in the friend zone and want to get out of this so maybe in the future we can reconcile and start fresh try to win her heart again and see where we stand.

Also have been dating other woman.she knows this as well

Please help.

Ok do you guys think I should go out of my way to dazzel her and show her a really good night out?

We still catch up and only when her "kid" boyfriend is not around. so what do you think.? worth a shot? this will be a surprise.

Here is my idea,

Rent and Go on a 1 hr ride on Harley-Davidson motorbikes and then get dropped off to a concert!

Bloody awesome I think!

Hey guys.

OK someone please knock some sense into me. this had been dragging on for to long.. 8months.

here is the deal. A or B

A)Continue as friends as we are .Show her I am very happy with my life. but give her the vibe that if she wants to be part of it she can and eventually tell her how I feel.

B)Cut all contact,send her an email telling her its over as friends. move on find someone else, cut all ties with her family on Facebook and just end it knowing that there were very good time
Ok she is still asking me to go around and visit! I went round the other day as its been about a month with out catching up. and shoot she was flirty! some one please tell me what is going on here? I can see it in her eyes that she can't and won't let me go. we have arranged another day to meet. is that bad?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Look, as far as your "A, and B" if you have to cut all ties to keep your will power and self in tack and in line: So be it. It sounds like the two of you need to have one more round of "intimacy" on whatever level (I am talking 8 hours from now and then you are DONE done mutually agreeable and it sounds like she would be up for it). Then again you sound like you have a combination of long-term emotional-companion problems I like to call "companion's disease." If you can not make a clear decision in ten minutes from what you know, and what you read here then "yoke" yourself up and force a decision for your own good...for you, your family, your friends, and your country. This riding the fence sh*t will turn men into wiener boys. A man is made to make wise decisions, you have to have enough self-control and strength to do things because they need to be done. This will give you pride, fill up your courage, and pave the way for belief in yourself not guessing if you can/should do something. We have all been there, sexual deprivation can twist a man's mind, and lingering with emotional disease will rot your judgement. Good luck. (Yeah, and it is time for you to choose a "Best Answer" too. for yourself and for one of these big-hearted people that took some time to reply to you).


What Girls Said 7

  • By now if she wanted you she would have pounced on you. From an older woman's thoughts I will tell you why we like younger guys:

    1.) They are up for anything. How about you? Are you kind of lazy? Willing to try new things?

    2.They talk and say sexy things and they don't care who hears them. They are very affecionate. They are very attentive. Did you compliment her and talk sexy to her?

    3.) tHEY ALWAYS SEEM READY TO TEXT AND CHAT. Did you give her instant gratification?

    Younger guy=Fun

    If you want her to see you as more than a friend then go ahead and send her flowers with just because on the notecard.

    Tell her you have an extra ticket to go see a concert or someting and invite her.

    Take her to a casino and pay for the drinks.

    Get a blanket, picinic basket, radio and wine and find a place to lay out under the stars and let her talk about herself and show interest.

    Do everything opposite of what you normally do and take her off guard. Take action. Who broke up with who?Maybe she's hurt and afraid to trust you again.

    • Thanks for that...well I did everything romantic, sexy, nearly 32 going on 22 haha...not lazy at all. work hard, gym, play hard,surf ,snowboard, ect. we did all the sexy talk and stuff toget. but in the end I ended it with her as I found she was doing things behind my its my trust she need to win back.Now that time has gone by and we are now talking we connect more than anything. but I think you are right...she would have made a move by now. or maybe we just both being cautious.

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    • Then it's all about her not being sure of what you think of her now. Seems to me that she would take the chance if someone intiated something here. I would definitely invite her out and do someting fun. I would use a little touching like on her hand or brush the hair from her face something that could still be perceived as innocent but will give a mixed message. Then I would turn up the flirting a little. Seems like she is using the younger guy to just pass the time to not be alone.Are you ready?

    • good plan...i do to that stuff from time to time when I see her and she does the same, I should just go all out and tell her my feelings but that will just scare her off I taking small steps with this and also giving her space too. just doing things to let her know I'm there and keeping it open. Hey and at the end of the day given it a go, she will realize that she has lost a really good guy as a lot of my female friends think I'm a catch and it won't be hard to find someone new

  • just being really nice and showing her she's special?

    i am seeing my ex boyfriend again and I want us to be back together but he seems wishy washy about it. I'm still his friend* at the moment.

    • yea I have been really nice ect...but its getting me know where. I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks so she emails me and asked my why...i told her that since she I seeing someone I am giving her space and don't want to make thing see that's being nice.what else can I do?

    • No, by being nice she means like woo-ing her all over again. Flowers, compliments, dinners..etc. But if she has a boyfriend that's going to make things pretty difficult...and you don't want to seem desperate.

  • yeah this sounds crazy, who knows what's going on here...maybe she's trying to make you jealous or just don't like older men

  • just be really sweet to her

  • I would ignore her.. It will drive her crazy but if you guys ever do get back together you can just tell her the truth that you couldn't stand to know she was with someone else especially someone that age... And he is def a rebound... His age probably just made her feel very wanted and like she still "had it"

    • Hey thanks girl :) yea I have been ignoring her, its hard to do as I wanna see her but its been a week and I'm going for the record 2 month.

      yea I'm glad you think he is her rebound.makes me feel a lot better cause I know they don't last. She had not given it much time between me and him, where as I am not jumping into anything serious just yet...and agreed she prob just wants to feel like she still has it or its her last dash to feel young before reality of getting older and settling down

  • Why do you want her back all of a sudden? Just because it stings your ego to see her dating a kid? Just be a grown man and let it go. You're not 18 anymore to be playing those games. Be true to yourself and her. Just decide what you want in your life and then go get it, but don't be chasing airplanes.

  • Personally, I don't think there is a "friend-zone", friend get together and start dating a lot. Seems to me if you stay friends with someone you have the oppurtunity of building something with them, if you ignore (or NC) how does that help? Maybe in the begining to make them miss you or something, but after a while it's like "out of site, out of mind" My advice is after a bit of no contact become friends with her, but distant friends, act like it's no big deal. Then slowly start flirting and acting like you did when you first started liking her. I've gone back out with an old boyfriend, after breaking up and staying friends:)

    • Did you stay with that boyfriend though? Like, do breakups happen for a reason?

What Guys Said 19

  • I don't know if that's what everyone else refers to as a friendzone.

    You want to stop being friends with her? Then stop. It's easy. Don't answer her calls, her emails, her pings. Don't talk to her. It's easy.

    You want to get back with her (even if it is in the future) ?

    Good luck. There's no escape from that sort of friend zone.

    • Hey thanks bro. I will take ya sure I will escape from the friend zone some how...that I don't know how yet but I will.

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    • yep for sure...usually I'm the one to go stuff it and cut em out straight away...but not this one. it has drawn out for too long and feelings are still up in the air. sometime I wish that they would just give you a straight answer. esp if they are initiating contact. she emailed me today but I ignored it just to see if I could do it...bloody hard.but sh*t man I think I still love her after all this crap.

    • Well, you have my sympathies, but when you cockily predicted you would get out of the Friendzone, I was reminded of the old saying:

      He laughed when they said it couldn't be done.

      He smiled and said he knew it.

      Then he tried the thing that couldn't be done...

      And he couldn't f***ing do it.

  • It sounds like your essentially in a no-win situation.

    So, I would see it like this.

    How would the relationship be different the next time around? Are the things that ended the relationship still there to end it again or have you both changed enough.

    It doesn't seem like you have really let go of her and so for you, the relationship has never really been over. In fact, it's entirely possible that both of you haven't really given each other enough time to know if they are missing something or not. You are probably still treating the friendship as a relationship with her.

    Presumably you already tried to "chase" her to save the relationship and it ended anyway. Don't cut contact with her, just move on. Go out on dates, open yourself up to seeing other women. Go out and do things on your own that you find fun. Do things that you haven't been doing because you've been focusing on her. Give her the opportunity to live her life without you if she chooses.

    In short, let go. No need to cut your arm off to be free when all you have to do is open your hand.

  • Hey! It's time to man up! She's f**king with you, pure and simple. Get away from her and restart your life. Clean break, no contact. If she wants you back, she'll come to you and I suggest you make it harder rather than easier. She's already shown you she will hurt you so show her that if she wants you, she's gonna have to work for it.

  • I vote for C: just don't have any contact. She's clearly gone cougar. What she see's in the 20 year old is just what you'd see in a 20 year old girl: hot body, less brains. She's just not that into you but I don't see the upside to a big parting shot. If you might want her back, make yourself scarce and if she's interested, she knows where to find you.

  • Lot of women out there. If you need a quick end to the drama, take one for the team and tell her you still have romantic issues and you have to sever this. Good luck.

  • Definitely a rebound guy. A guy in that age will be fresh, with no baggage, no adult stuff to deal with. It is a relief for many. We tend to get more jaded as we get older, and we have more depressing backstories. A twenty-year-old is more about fun and the here and now. She will NOT stay with a guy that age for the rest of her days. And he will not stay with her.

    Getting out of the friend zone is hard, because the excitement is gone. Women want to be entertained and dazzled, picked up from their everyday life and given a bit of magic. You can't do that from the friend zone. You are not mysterious anymore. What you can do is be a rock to lean on, and you can show yourself to be a calm and balanced guy who has things together and is satisfied with his life. If a girl has experienced a lot of drama, that is a relief for her.

    • Thanks for that...shall I take her for a fun evening out?and blow her mind away? like have some crazy fun so she sees that I have a wild and fun side too (she already knows this tho).

    • That definitely sounds like the way to go!

  • txt her a pic of your dong. immediatley changes the game. I don't know what it will change to but it WILL change.

  • Look, he's so obviously a rebound...

    This whole thing is a question of timing... when is the right time for you to make a big play for her?

    Whether you should ignore her would require further info but you can figure that out yourself...

    Before I write anymore, and I'm dealing with this sh&t myself, sit yourself down and listen to your gut. This is a lonely task. Nobody here, your friends or family can truly know what you want. (I had the World convinced I wanted my ex back recently but deep down my gut niggled at me. As it turns out I didn't get her back but her ongoing rebound is her age but it's only a few months. Thing is I don't want her anymore...)

    Are you sure it's not jealousy or loneliness that's driving you back? Dude, you've gone through this much already, you don't want to have to do it again in another 6 months or year if you get her back only to be reacquainted with all the reasons you broke up in the first place... And, you look like you're talking about marriage. That's a long road...

    Anyway, if she's for you... Buy a ring and fly her somewhere. Shock and Awe... Maybe that's a fit, maybe not but Harleys and concerts aren't hugely romantic.

    But then, 20 year old tomboys aren't either! Where's her head at?

    I don't know how long you're broken up but I agree with the other respondent who suggested out of sight out of mind. If she's been trying to make contact, take the call... arrange a meeting and tell her she has a single shot: you or him. Makey mindy up time?

    Best of luck.

    • thanks mate.such an insight. Um just to mention I was engaged to her I had an expensive ring on her finger but she stuffed that one up. its been 8 months since we broke up due to her committing issues.Im caught between no contact -cut her off or continue limited contact and go for it. its not loneliness I am drawn to her as we have everything in common.and get on like a house on fire. do I through that away thinking its not mutual as she has moved on. or do I just go for it tell her how I feel

    • You need to find out where her head is at. You've been with people, she's been with people... What are her thoughts on it now?

      Man, your head is melted from this I'm sure though you do sound pretty together and that you'd cope no matter what the ultimate outcome?

      I rang my ex's friend who didn't like me 3 months after we broke up. I rang her from a different number. I asked her to meet me but to keep it quiet until she heard me out. She did, and she ended up helping me. Got a lot of info...

  • i find it best to start with some light play spanking

  • dude you don,t get out of the friend zone that y she you,r ex I don,t know y you would what to go back with her it its clear that you and her had some troubles in the first place and that y you and her or no more and now she has a new boyfriend so move on and find a new girlfriend if you and her what to stay friend,s and she cool with it then do so but don,t hang on to the hope you and her will be boyfriend and girlfriend one more time ( this is not going to take place at no time ) so for get about it and try and find some one new

  • Well I see one option just stay friends but move on and find someone else to date that you really like. Or if you really do like this ex of yours stop beating around the goddamn bush and tell her. Tell her your feelings. She is going to come at you with the whole it didn't work before why would it work again.

    However you can always tell her that if she finds you attracted just try if she thinks everything is the same and is going to lead to a break up again then she can just back out. She might not even find you boyfriend material anymore and will just tell you flat out no she doesn't want to, then it is up to you to move on.

    Just have a talk with her in person if possible. Just express your feelings.

  • no its not bad bro you have jsut gotta just wait and if it happens it happens do not work to hard for agirl thta doesn't want you I've made that mistake before and I don't want others to make it too message me bro and ican help you out better

  • talk to hem and go on dates an sh*t

  • is this a running joke? you and her will never be a couple. 8 months you are going to wait?

  • stay away. leave her alone and tell her to leave you alone. defriend her and delete contacts. say bye bye-trust me and I know you know it

  • Why are you maintaining friendships with people you do not want to be just friends with?

    Men can never be just friends. find someone else.

  • best way to get over one girl is to get under another. Doesn't sound like the best idea until after you test the theory. Best idea since miracle whip

  • the friend zone is a hard 1 to get out of but there are ways ;) a womans heart always wants what it can't have. You gotta kinda do both A and B! My Girlfriend has recently broke up with me and now I'm having to keep out of the friend zone I still talk to her and I love her so much but I'm making her do the running she calls me I don't answer and then ring her back 2 hour later saying I was busy I meet her when I wanna meet her I text her back when I wanna text back I do give her the idea that I really do care but indirectly this Friday ima blow her mind out at the club an hopefully get back with her :D