If you feel threatened by your boyfriend's relationship with a female friend, would you tell him?

[Anonymous]

Here's the dealio:

My boyfriend is usually a pretty reserved guy, and he doesn't get emotionally attached to people. (Unlike me. Great match we are, huh?)

Anyway, he has a female friend, who, according to Facebook, he met around the same time as me. (A year ago) She lives in Europe, so they only communicate by internet. Normally I wouldn't feel threatened... but I am. I have an intuition and damn it, it's screaming.

They write really long letters to each other, and close with "Love, nickname." He doesn't even have a nickname for me. Actually, one night in a cab he drunkenly said to me: "you know, I never say your name." Then just stopped talking. What does even that mean?!

Additionally, I can see signs that she is emotionally dependent on him. He also talks about her frequently. However, when referring to her in front of me, he calls her by her full name, or anonymously as "my friend from France," even though we both know who it is and how close they are. She's also Facebook friends with his best friend and sister, who I am not yet. I'm also not sure if he talks to her about me, or if she even knows that he's going out with me.

I know it shouldn't, but it saddens me when we're hanging out together, doing homework or something, and I look over to find him messaging her on Skype.

While I know nothing will happen with them now, I feel threatened by their relationship, and I fear that if circumstances were different, he'd be with her. I know it's petty of me, but I just can't sit well knowing that he shares this intimacy with another girl... and is closed off about it.

Should I tell him about my anxieties and ask him to explain to me their relationship so I could feel better... Or would that be too much prying and just push him away?

What do I do?

[JohnScofield]

Doing nothing is not an option for you. It obviously bothers you.

I like your suggested approach. I think you should just say "Bf... I need some reassurance her. I know that your mademoiselle, is only a friend, but I would just like to understand your relationship better."

I think if he gets really upset/angry about the request that is telling you that your intuition is correct. However, if this is innocent, he should not mind explaining what is going on, what they talk about, etc. with you. He might be a little perturbed at first, but hopefully he will see the light and understand where you are coming from.

I have never met a woman that didn't want to be FIRST in their man's life. And that is a very reasonable expectation.

Be reasonable and compassionate, but stand strong.

ONE WARNING... the fastest way to turn him off and LOSE this battle is to get emotional. I HATE THAT, most men HATE THAT, etc. Typically the moment you go emotional he is going to quit listening to you. Especially if, when you go emotional, you go illogical. All he is going to do is here your poor logic and cling to that, he is going to miss what you are really trying to say.

So before you talk to him, you think through what you are going to say, and how you expect him to react and how you will react to that. Even if it is a painful and hurtful conversation, avoid the emotions. They can wait until later.

I hope that helps... a man answer I know.. but what can I say? :-)

I wish you well...

[Asker]

But I don't want to bring her up at all if there's nothing going on. Once I plant the idea that they could be together if we weren't in his head, he would start thinking about it, and even if he's not considering it now, the fact that I am might make him start to consider it also!

[JohnScofield]

Ummm... You are WAY over thinking things, or in this case under thinking things. I can assure you that he has already thought about this, if only for a fleeting moment.

I think you are a little insecure... and no one can fix that but you. This is clearly bothering you, but you don't want to fix it, because you are scared of what could happen. So either way you lose.

I am sorry you are in this place, if you aren't going to do anything about it, try not to let it eat you up!

[thisusername2]

I would steel this wording. The way JohnScofield worded the question is well stated without coming off as pretentious and ready to fight.

[Asker]

I am aware I am insecure.

Another question for you, mister, is it okay for me to show insecurity in a relationship? Normally I would see that as a sign of weakness in a regular interpersonal relationship and avoid it at all costs. But in a relationship... is it different?

And thanks for your help, guys!

[JohnScofield]

of course it is OK to show insecurity, that is part of why we get into relationships. With that said, if one is insecure about EVERYTHING that is a problem. However from time to time, it is going to rear its head, and you would hope that your friends/family/significant other is going to be there to encourage you and remind you what is true.

[tommy2toneyack]

Pull up your panties and move on before it's to late you know it's over you just need to open your eyes and take a good look at the facts before you tell him to take his Internet girlfriend and move along.

Now that was so easy for me to say I don't have to live it I only have to say it.

That's all I have to say GOOD LUCK WHAT EVER YOU DO... T2TY

[Anonymous]

Don't tell him, just yet, about your anxieties. I know recently my friend told her boyfriend that she wishes he wasn't so close with this other girl he met. He got defensive, it turned into a stupid fight, and he broke up with her. Especially since he met you two around the same time he had the choice between you and her, and considering you two are dating that means he chose you. Unless you see their relationship getting flirty and more "boyfriendy-girlfriendy" then you shouldn't mention anything. But say you do tell him how you feel don't come off jealous or with an attitude like "i don't want you two to be friends anymore" because that will most likely turn him off. Get closer to him, try talking to him more about stuff he likes, get closer with his family. Most of all don't get paranoid about this situation and don't let it bother you so much. Unless you see obvious signs that he likes likes this girl then don't worry.

[tdaniel7]

Yes, you should talk to him without screaming. Tell him how the situation is making you feel and finish off with the question id he has feelings for you or not. Maybe he is between the two. He likes your company and perhaps he likes the other girls words. Just stop the mind game and ask him. AGAIN DO NOT SCREAM

[LantaaaE]

Although he may not be physically cheating on you with her it's very possibly that emotionally he is. If I were you I would deff say something to him about it. Bring it up and ask how he knows her and if she is aware that he is seeing someone.

[on76799]

Ask him. Grab some coffee and tell him how you feel bout him and this girl. If you don't get it out of Ur system it will keep bothering you till you explode and go crazy. I know how you feel.