My boyfriend wants to go out to dinner with someone of the opposite sex, should I be worried?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. It's great and he's very sweet to me. I have had no reason to doubt him so far. Upon getting to know him better I realized he has had many friends who are girls ever since undergrad. He is very close to some of them and I don't really have a problem with it. From what it seems it appears to be a big group of guys and girls and he's formed good long lasting friendships with some of the girls. We are both attending medical school together away from our respective homes. It is our last year. He recently got into touch with someone on Facebook who went to his undergrad and is now attending the same medical school, just a year below us. She was in the same friend circle as him from undergrad but they never talked much or hung out. He caught up with her over breakfast a month ago. But then they started sitting beside each other and studying together in the same study hall, to the point where she was saving spots for him daily beside her. I explained to him why I was paranoid about it but I let it go when he assured me it was just them studying together. But then it escalated to her asking him to go grab dinner together as a break from studying. He tells me everything and asked me if it was okay. But I know if I said no it would turn into a huge fight where he thinks he's never allowed to have any friends who are girls ever again. And that the only friends I'm OK with are the ones he'd had back home. I think my fears are justified since you never know with these things. he thinks its completely okay to have lunches and dinners together, because he's allowed to make new friends. I feel as though this is a trend that might continue in the future as well when we venture into new working fields. I don't mind him hanging out with girls in a group, but I do have a problem with him meeting new girls and hanging out one on one. I mean I feel weird if a guy wants to hang out with me one on one and have lunch, even if I barely know him from undergrad. And initially when he started studying in the study hall beside her, he never told me. He'd just say he's saving a spot for his friend from undergrad (he didn't even know her that well in undergrad) or he's studying beside his friend from undergrad. It was after I asked him who this friend was that he explained. He just thinks everything goes as long as he's not physically involved with a girl. This is his very firm opinion and he's not budging. And I don't agree with it. But I don't think him spending the day studying with her and then having meals with her is a good idea. I don't know if I should bring this up with him again or not. I'd also like to know if I'm completely wrong/paranoid? Any advice would be helpful, I'm trying to let it go but the issue keeps coming up in one form or another. Help!

[TheDude84]

So it sounds like you have some jealousy going on here and this is the issue. Most of the time people see jealousy as insecurity... and most people don't see insecurity as attractive. So while you are trying to "prove" to him you are right, he is probably seeing you as less and less secure (attractive) and she gets to play the great friend in all of this. You are in a lose - lose scenario here and need to make an adjustment.

Scoodlesniper is correct in his assessment that guys most of the time don't know they are being swooped on, but this is a good thing for you. She may be swooping in but if he doesn't see it that way then you are probably fine. She has the bigger hurdle here (just go read any of the thousand posts on here about girls trying to get the attention of a guy who has a girlfriend). That said you don't want to be in the position where a vulture is circling just waiting for you two to have a fight.

This is what I do. You need to go the other direction and bring her into both of your lives. You need to tell him that anyone he is going to spend that much time with you'd like to meet and get to know. Invite her out with the two of you; have her over to watch a movie; anything that will involve her being around you both wherein you are clearly "the girlfriend." It will end up serving two purposes. 1) If she is trying to swoop in she won't like this and decline all the invitations. If she does this then you have a perfectly legitimate argument that her intentions are less than scrupulous. I have told girls I've dated that I am not comfortable with them hanging out with ex's until we've all hung out. This isn't jealousy... just common sense. 2) If he declines and pushes back then you have a real problem. That probably means your guy isn't being totally honest with you and you should think about other options. Him not wanting you to meet or hang out with his female friends at all is a big warning sign.

Now you could do this and she could be a cold heated person who just plots to steal your guy anyway lying to your face; and your guy could be so lame as you have all of you hang out and still have intentions of hooking up with her; but if you considerably cut the odds by making friends with her and spending time with all of you together.

As the saying goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Good Luck.

[scoodlesniper]

there is one thing girls don't know about guys... some guys have no idea the girl is actually after them, they may have a feeling but they actually don't quite know, I bet he hasn't told her that he has a girlfriend because in the back of his mind he "has a chance" and feels he may be able to hook up with her and get away with it... guys are stupid, trust me! I am a guy who has a realllly hot sexxy sweet amazing girlfriend who loves me and is the best thing for me. and I love her too... but when I'm in class at college I look at other girls ass's and bodys and I think about how I wish I was with them instead of my girlfriend... I know it sounds weird but all my friends do the same... sometimes I think about breaking up with my girlfriend because it would be so easy to hook up with other girls, and my girlfriend is even hotter than them but I would still love to try something different, before I had my beautiful perfect girlfriend I never got looked at by girls but ever since we started dating girls are eye raping me and flirting with me.. but watch out if you really love him and don't want him to hook up with this girl you got to do something.. and do it fast.. even if she's not as pretty as you he will still be into her because its something "new"... I would suggest you be around him to see how he acts around her.. if you catch him looking at her ass then you may be in trouble...

[why-makoto-kun]

"when I'm in class at college I look at other girls ass's and bodys and I think about how I wish I was with them instead of my girlfriend..."



It sounds like you're bored of her.

[Kate545]

Lets be honest, I doubt you truly see your girlfriend as "realllly hot sexxy sweet amazing girlfriend who loves me and is the best thing for me. and I love her" if you did you would think " my girlfriend is realllly hot sexxy sweet amazing girlfriend who loves me and is the best thing for me. and I love her too."

She's not. You're most likely at the point where having a girlfriend is nice but so is doing your own thing, being independent from the responsibilities that come along with combining your

[Kate545]

life with her life. Which is totally fine. Sounds like you got quite the confidence boost from dating your current girlfriend as stated by the amount of women now showing an interest. But is that flirting from being you or you being with your girlfriend? Will you have the same luck as after?

[why-makoto-kun]

Thanks, Kate.

[lumos]

I don't really see a problem with this. And seeing as it isn't even a fancy restaurant, it's much less of a problem than it could have been anyway. They're just friends hanging out. Remember, HE LIKES YOU. Otherwise he wouldn't be with you now would he? I know it's hard to trust people nowadays, but I really think you should trust him. He's simply a very social person. The second you start suffocating him by making up rules about who he is and isn't allowed to meet, he'll start looking for other girls. You've already voiced your concern, and he's told you that there's nothing to worry about. So, trust him. I don't see why you shouldn't, really.

But, if she somehow starts interfering with YOUR time with your boyfriend, then you've got a problem. If she becomes a bigger priority than you, that's when the red flags should go up. But for now, I think you're safe.

[RebelOfNowhere]

I would trust him for now. I've had one on one dinners with my ex when we were both seeing other people, just because we were still good friends and enjoyed each others company. There were absolutely no romantic feelings involved.

Unless your boyfriend starts spending more time with her than with you, or if you feel he's not as interested as he used to be, I wouldn't worry about it. You could also express your fears to him, even including that it's hard for you to bring this up because he will think you are controlling or whatever...he may ask you to join them once in a while if he knows how you're feeling.

[why-makoto-kun]

I agree with you. Certain boundaries should be maintained, IMO. I mean, some people can be mature and do this just fine (especially the studying together part) but grabbing dinner afterwards? Ehhh. Usually that is a girl friend thing or a boyfriend thing for me. I'm not saying he's cheating, but I would not be okay with this.

I knew someone who had a girlfriend who had "guy friends" that liked her, and she would leave him at home while she would go out to dinner with said guy friends (one on one) on occasion. It wasn't right.

[why-makoto-kun]

If he starts valuing her opinion over yours, taking her side when you bring up concerns, etc., you know when to worry.

[why-makoto-kun]

It's just a mental/emotional intimacy thing. That's what I think it what is bothersome in this situation.

[PhilaPenn]

You should trust your boyfriend unless he has given you a reason not to in the past. If not, then your insecurity is your problem and not his. He shouldn't have to curtail his friendships to appease an unfounded fear that you have. I have plent of girls who are friends and I the girl I'm dating doesn't have veto power over who I'm friends with. Neither do I have power over who she is friends with. Sharing is something that people in a platonic relationship do all of the time. Unless he has given you a reason to be fearful, I don' think that you have any grounds on which to stand.

[tiffybaby]

I have mixed feelings about this. My ex had done something similar, hanging out with a girl one and one. He told me he was going to, and told me what they were doing, and trusting him, I said it was fine. He was actually sleeping with her so :/ Not all guys are like that though. But if you don't feel comfortable with it, you should talk to him about it. Tell him you feel uncomfortable. And ask to meet her, if you haven't, maybe that will make you feel better.

[johnny_hustle]

Wow. I could never cheat on someone since I know the feeling of being cheated on all too well, but if I were to cheat on someone, the last thing I would wanna do is inform my girlfriend where I was going to be and with whom I'll be with when cheating on her. Then again your ex might've figured you thought that very same thing and took advantage of it. I understand your mix feelings about this, especially since what you went through, and I do agree that if QA doesn't feel comfortable, talk to him bout it

[tomfeltonforever]

If I were you, I'd be suspicious. I'm not that much of a jealous person, but there's a him keeping it a secret vibe about this that I don't like. Would he be okay if you started going out on one-on-one dinners with a new male friend? I'd probably test that out and see his reaction. If he's jealous or mad, I'd get the sense that there's something going on between him and his new friend.

[sexyasianboi26]

That depends on where he is taking her?

If its a classy restaurant or somewhat expensive, NOPE! THROW THE RED FLAG!

I always take my female friends to lunches, dinners but its always something like popeyes, chipotle or subway.

[Asker]

no this was just a close by eating joint for a quick break I guess, I just didn't like how she suggested it and I told him it would go from just studying together to meals together, he didn't see anything wrong with that. I feel like he'll go along with anything she suggest as long as he's not making out with her. Its just you never know with these things, the more time you spend with someone the more likely you are to fall for them. that is my only concern.

[JohnWhilkins]

Not unless you guys trust that you satisfy each other... but then why would you be together if you didn't. It's fine.