To girls and women: do guys' opinions of you matter and impact how you feel about yourself?

This may seem like an odd question. I get how we all want to be accepted and appreciated.

I've been reading lots of discussions here and many of them are from girls who want to know whether a guy likes her or thinks she is hot. I feel for them. I know how it is to be really dependent on what others think of me. I remember being bullied as a kid and thinking "why do they hate me?" and internalizing it as "there must be something wrong with me". And then I woke up to the fact that "OH, maybe there's something wrong with THEM!" And since then, I haven't given much of a sh*t about what asshole guys think of me. I seek the respect of people who show me respect, not from people who show me disrespect.

It breaks my heart to see so many girls adjusting their appearance, their ways of being, their sexual behavior, based on what sexist dudes want from them. And, I know plenty of women who don't. So I'm not meaning to imply, in any way, that this is something "all" girls or even "most" girls do. I'm wanting to learn from you on this.

Any insights into this? Do you feel like you need to modify yourself in any way for guys who don't respect women? To what extent is your self-esteem bound to what guys think of you, if at all? Do you feel you have a healthy respect for yourself? And if a sexist guy wants you to change who you are, what do you tell him, or what do you do?

  • I don't care what guys think of me. I determine my own self-worth.
    58% (7)0% (0)50% (7)Vote
  • I care far too much about what guys think of me. And I'm too willing to change me to suit them.
    42% (5)100% (2)50% (7)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I voted "A" and my reasoning behind it is pretty simple to me. I think that most of us have experienced the feeling of not looking as good as another, dressing as nice, having as much money, being in the popular crowd, etc. But as I grew, I have realized that "I love me". There is only one of me and with every nice body, beautiful face and wealth that is here on earth is the same amount of pain distributed.

    I have two daughters (14 & 18) and one of the best qualities that they would say I have is the ability to "Be Me". I cherish the fact that I have been able to secure that trait in both of them. We are all unique in our own way and a lot of times, the very thing that we don't like about ourselves is the very thing that our boy/girl friends likes the most.

    By loving who I am and being myself regardless of what people think has cleared open roads for me that I would've never been able to stroll without having the complete confidence of self. It allows you to manage your life better, filter out the weeds of those who pretend to be your friend, find true love, stay stress free, smile everyday, stay positive, make wiser decisions, feel confident about your surroundings...ect.

    Caring and trusting yourself enough to know that "you"are the only "you"out there. The most beautiful understanding of self worth there is. And when you have that inside, you attract it causing a universal effect amongst those whom are inside your inner circle, effectively hindering most negative transactions. By accepting yourself as a whole is the start of more than just thinking...Wow, I look good. It actually goes to the core of your existence. Loving and accepting yourself is a very positive source which leads deep into your soul. So, do I give a sh*t about what any man think of how I look...Hell 2 da Naw!

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What Girls Said 7

  • i agree this is a good question and I could care less what people think of me I always say if you don't like me are what you see then you have 2 choices don't talk to me are don't look at me!

    i wasn't always like this mind it took me a very long time to think this way like you I was bullied all the way through seniour school and I used to think why me what is it that they don't like about me and it took me along time to understand that my kindness friendless compassion etc were the things that these people lacked and therefor felt threatened by me!

    then after school I went through a stage of hating myself to the point that I had no respect for my body I did what I wanted when I wanted and it never made me happy I went from being the friendly girl to someone I didn't know anymore and I couldn't handle that so I tried to find a way out so I went to hell and back and when I did I came back so much stronger and a hell of a lot more confident.

    so to answer ur question no other ppl's opinions of me don't matter I know who I am and that is all that matters and if someone try's to change me are mould me into someone they think I should be then I take myself out of there lives as there not worth it if someone can't love are like me for me then they are not worth having in my life.

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    • Thank you for sharing so honestly. I obviously can relate a lot to what you wrote. Self-denigration is an awful thing, and to think that some guys contribute to girls and women thinking poorly of themselves... it's VERY upsetting. I'm glad you're BACK from hell!!!! YAY!!!

  • I couldn't agree with you more! To modify yourself in any way for a disrespectful/selfish/ego driven boy or girl is completely ridiculous! We are all lucky if we can live and learn and improve on who we are each day... But for ourselves... Not to get the attention of some undeserving person...Which is who they are when they try and walk into our lives and alter our action, appearance, opinions, and negative comments, etc... I also think it's an age thing... I've read a lot as well and have noticed the majority of the types of comments we're talking about are in the 24 and below group... A very confusing time for all of us I think... Not yet adults and no longer children... The unknown zone... Blessings to us all. Cheers!

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  • I voted for B but to be more specific, I'm in between A and B. To clarify --

    It's not about changing who I am as a person but it's about compromising. When you're in a relationship, it's not all about one person, it's about 2 people and their needs. When I wear my hair a different way or buy a dress that's a different style because my boyfriend says that it'll look good on me, I'm not by any means changing myself, just my physical appearance. I'm not changing my beliefs or my morals or the important things that makes me me.

    And it works both ways. My boyfriend will try new things because they make me happy.

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    • As long as it's mutual, it sounds healthy to me!! :)

  • This is a great question. When I was younger, I used to think that something was wrong with me perhaps physically, emotionally or psychologically if a guy wasn't into me, if I was bullied etc. It greatly effected my self esteem and how I viewed myself through the eyes of others. As I got older and matured, I have developed a thicker skin and tend to care less about people view me. I know myself and what I have to offer, and if someone doesn't like it then he is entitled to his opinion. For the most part, I don't really care or give a sh*t and keep moving forward.

    I admit that there is a piece of me that still struggles with this when it comes to a guy I REALLY like. If he isn't into me, I still tend to take it a little personally and wonder why not? I know I shouldn't, but I will reanalyze everything to see where I might have turned him off possibly. I know I need to remain true to myself, but at the same time I wish I could be consistent with my views.

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    • I get the dilemma and the places of getting caught up in old ways of being. I support you moving forward into a future where you care less and less what others say or feel, and more and more about what you think of yourself. I appreciate your answer.

  • I can't vote on your question because the choice I would've picked isn't there. I'd say, "I do care what guys think about me but I'm not willing to change myself because of it." I want people to like me, and for the most part I think they do, but I'd like guys to like me too. I have guys who are friends but I generally don't think of myself as the type of girl that guys really want to hook up with or be in a relationship with since I haven't been in a relationship since high school and I haven't hooked up in over a year. I'd be lying if I said that that wasn't something that bothered me especially when I have friends that go through guys like crazy or always seem to have some guy pursuing them, so when I don't have that it's hard not to look in the mirror and go, "Why is no one chasing me?" If I didn't have any friends and no one liked me that'd be a different story but people constantly ask me why I don't have a girlfriend or why I don't have guys chasing after me I don't know what to tell them because I don't know the answer to that either but I can only figure that it's something that's wrong with me, not the guys.

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  • Well it depends on the girl your talking to and how she is. Most of the girls that are single and are adjusting there life's for guys just want to feel some love. And they would try there hardest to make the guy feel appreciated and almost be like a slave. But then at the end ; that guy ends up just messing with her and just breaks up with her. So it's not that we all want to adjust ourselves to guys we like or love .But we girls tend to fall for the trick that a guy would love us more if we fit in his category. When in reality they wouldn't care two s**t about the girl .

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    • I appreciate you sharing that with me, and am wondering if you knowing that has impacted your own ability to "do it differently" so that you're not so likely to fall for that trick. Do you now know, deep down, that your value isn't determined by a guy? And that getting "more love" from a guy by changing who you are means he's not loving who you REALLY are?

    • I just be myself 100% of the time with guys or girls . I don't change the way iam because I really like/love some guy . I don't need to change the iam with someone because of my relationship or anything . I tend to be the same person and if he doesn't like that than that means he wasn't really feeling anything from me . Some girls need to know that no matter how much of a heartbreak your in .

    • I'm hope that will help other girls do the same. Thanks for sharing that!

  • Great question! If guys do not find me attractive I do feel bad about myself. I feel good when people find me attractive and consider me a "pretty girl". My ultimate goal is to become one of those intimidatingly beautiful girls I don't really know why, but I feel like if people like the outer me then the inner won't matter so much (wow I got really deep on that one). As far as personality, I have come a long way with struggling with self esteem issues but I can say that I wouldn't change who I am on the inside to suit a guy. But I feel like if no one finds me attractive then there might be something wrong with me

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