Why does he look at porn?

When my boyfriend confessed he was looking at porn again, I began to change my feelings about him. I love him, but when he tries to cuddle or get close, it freaks me out. I am hurt and wonder each time if he's thinking about those things; thinking about me looking like that, wishing I did; wearing those clothes; posing like that. I can't get the thoughts out of my head and begin to get close to him again. We've been together 1-1/2 years.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Porn is something all men like to look at and I don't think him watching it means he's nasty or a freak. Just because he's watching women act or look a certain way doesn't mean he expects or wants that of you. You're his girlfriend. Are you upset because you asked him not to and he said he wouldn't anymore? If that's the case at least he was honest. I wonder if you two can find a middle ground with this. I don't meant to belittle your feelings but if you really love him, this isn't something to not trust him or not want to be close to him over.

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What Guys Said 5

  • The problem is not that your boyfriend looks at porn, that is a symptom of something deeper. Porn is almost always a symptom of a control related issue, since the woman in the photograph will never say no, and always look like she is ready to make love to him, therefore affirming him.

    In my case, there were over a hundred wounds being fed by porn. The biggest had to do with my dad hating me before I was born, never wanting, affirming, or even acknowledging me, in a meaningful way, etc. Even as an adult, he wills till claim to know me, or how I feel, without ever investing time in learning either.

    Ask your boyfriend to tell you how he feels, right before he looks at porn. If there is insecurity, or anxiety, ask him when the first time he experienced that feeling was, that he can remember. Ask him to describe the situation. Validate his feelings, since they are his. Don't discount them, no matter how skewed they may seem, they made sense to him when he took them on as a burden and when he developed the coping mechanisms. He isn't viewing porn to hurt you, but to distract himself from the pain in his soul. Let him feel it. Encourage him to grieve it, allowing the tears to irrigate the wound so Christ can heal it.

    Pray while you are doing this and visualize what he describes, if possible. That will keep you from becoming judgmental, and allow God to fill in blanks you can then, tentatively, ask for confirmation on. You never know what might break open the dam and let the pain out. In one case, the image of a blue horse crossing a field came to mind. After the third time it came to mind, it was mentioned, tentatively with "I don't know if this means anything but I get the image of a blue horse." As soon as the words blue horse came out, the person broke down. Later they were able to explain that their mother had a blue figurine of a horse that they treated as though it was more important and precious than they were. Grieving that allowed the person to forgive and drop various coping mechanisms that were destroying relationships.

    It is not like your boyfriend is sitting around thinking about how to hurt you, or destroy the sanctity of an intimate relationship by viewing pictures that will automatically be compared to you in his mind. The fact is, he has learned that this behavior brings him the illusion of peace, in his spirit and heart, and that illusion is more important because of the pain he feels in his soul, otherwise.

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    • This is a matter of respect and intimacy. Job made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31) out of respect for God, and his wife. David betrayed one of his mighty men (2Samuel 11-12 and 23) because he chose to lust after his beautiful wife. Jesus said that if we look at a woman with lustful intent we have already committed adultery (Matthew 5) and Paul puts it in clearer perspective, in 1Corinthians 7, when he makes it clear that we give each other authority over our bodies, as part of marriage.

  • Seeing as how your boyfriend is male, its no surprise he looks at porn. It's nothing to be worried about, it's pretty normal. A lot of girls seem to think that once a guy enters a relationship he should stop looking at porn, or that porn is somehow cheating. I don't know where these notions come from, but simply put, there's really nothing wrong with porn. I've been seeing someone for about a year now and she knows I look at porn; she's perfectly OK with it, in fact, she watches it too! The amount of porn I look at is significantly higher when I'm single (like, about once per day) than when I'm seeing someone (maybe once every week) but hey, sometimes we all need some alone time.

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  • 100% of the guys I know look at porn on a daily basis. I would not be too worried

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  • Do me a favor first, ignore "drstms".

    Now, back to the other problem or lack thereof. You've been together for 1-1/2 years and he looks at porn. I think I can reason through this problem with you.

    Does he turn you on sexually? If he does, do you like that feeling (NOTE: sexual arousal is one of the feeling included with love)? Do you feel badly about him turning you on sexually? If yes, your idea of a relationship might not be very good. If no, you shouldn't, it feels good, to you, that's all you need to know.

    Well, porn turns him on, maybe not like you do, but it does none the less. If he has to treat it like a decease then that's what it will become. In truth porn, like masturbation is usually a method of keeping sexual urges in check. He shouldn't have to feel bad about it at all. Do me another favor, try watch porn with him. It sounds like you don't have sex. So don't if you don't want to, but if you want to be with him, believe that its normal and include yourself in his fantasies. Express you love to him by including yourself.

    This is probably going to sound weird but if its the issue of sex. You can still be a sexual person and not have sex. Wholesomeness is overrated.

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  • hey what's wrong if you try those things for him ?it certainly won't make you a whore,u do it for him and I guess he will pay you back if you want any in kind,just see what is it he likes,satisfy him,if you can't satisfy him then who should?

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What Girls Said 4

  • ok hun listen all girls need to know guys watch porn they just like it .

    in no way at all are they thinking that they want us to be the way they are,they are not comparing us to them at all they just like to watch it!

    a lot of girls are intimidated by guys watching porn and don't understand it and think that they can't compare to them girls in the video or what ever but really your guy isn't thinking what you think he's thinking so don't distance and ruin your realtionship with him over something that's not a reality or big deal :D

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  • Guys look at porn. It's healthy and totally okay to do so. The only way it wouldn't be okay is if it was getting in the way of normal activities. I really think a lot of girls would do better to try to not be quite so controlling about this issue. We (or at least I) wouldn't tolerate a guy telling us what our fantasy life could consist of, I don't think they should tolerate it from us.

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  • well just tell him how you really feel

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  • The good thing is that he told you the truth and told you he saw it,but what other guy at a young age doesnt.If you two have the long together I wouldnt worry much you went all that time with him not knowing he saw it.Why should it be any different now.Now I doubt he thinks about it 24/7 but still I'm not a guy I hear they have some crazy sex hormones lol.But don't get any personal emotions its just a guy thing its normal good luck!

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