Why is being desperate so unattractive?

I know it is, just don't know exactly why. Wouldn't you want someone who is going to be devoted to you and stuff?

Updates:
thanks for all your comments. I got a much greater response than I had imagined

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand your point but there's a couple of reasons why being desperate is unattractive.

    Firstly being desperate is worse than being easy. It means that no effort has to be put in, in order to get you. People are attracted to value, and being desperate really lowers a persons value. If you have to work to attain something then it has more value.

    Secondly, on a subconscious level it make one think that you are not very highly desired by others. A person who is desired by lots of others has a lot of choice and therefore has the option to pick and choose the one best suited to them. Someone with this option is more attractive and would be harder to get as there would be more competition. A desperate person is less attractive because there's no competition to get the person therefore when you do get them, the reward and satisfaction will feel minimal at best.

    Desperation also lets a person know that your world and your life isn't as enjoyable as theirs, so you need to cling to them and be a part of their world. If your world and life is not as good as theirs, then why would they want someone who isn't bringing anything to the table.

    Just because a person is desperate, it does not automatically mean that they will be devoted. In fact a desperate person by definition lacks grounding, self esteem and rationality and is therefore more likely to run off if in their head they think something better has come along. Also it is not that difficult for a person of high value to find someone is devoted and who isn't desperate.

    These are just some of reasons why desperation is unattractive. If you are still having a hard time understanding then think of a person who you are not really attracted to doing all sorts of desperate things to try to get you and it may help you see better.

    hope this helped

    =^.^=

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What Guys Said 32

  • Desperation is unattractive because subconsciously it makes you think that the person is not really that interested in you, just settling for you because they can't find anyone else.

    It makes you worry that even though they seem very interested in being in a relationship with you, as soon as they're no longer desperate, they'll leave you.

    But desperation is a lot more important to girls than it is to guys. Girls will get turned off by guys who they sense are even a little bit desperate, where as guys are usually more willing to give a girl a chance, even if she seems a little desperate.

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  • Depends. Desperate people only do things because they expect something in return. I want something who's devoted to me because they love me - not because they expect something out of me. Because I know that's how I'll be behaving towards them.

    When you're desperate, it doesn't really matter who takes you - desperate people take anyone. It matters very little who they are or what they did. That's not love. I want to know I'm getting with someone who's gonna be there for me even if I'm not always doing everything perfectly.

    Desperate people are mainly only after something. As soon as that something is gone, they leave and go find it in someone else. That's the difference between someone desperate, and someone who loves you for real.

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  • the list of positive qualities that girls look more in a potential boyfriend is way extremely longer, ridiculously insanely longer than vice-versa, than the other way around, most of us guys will consider a girl girlfriend material if she is just very hot, cute and pretty, that's all, she can have no life, have little or no friends, mope around a lot, be bratty or boring but just as long as she is very hot, that's all, we will consider her girlfriend materail right away, like if a girl is single she can constantly want a boyfriend to validate her existence and guys won't mind. However, it's not the same for us guys, we have to be extremely confident, have to view and see ourselves an object of power. (There is the saying that guys look at girls like sexual objects meanwhile girls look at guys as power objects, a walking credit-card, but not always money) It's like it's okay for girls to get their validation from guys, but not okay for us guys to get our validation from girls. Unfortuneately, too many guys rely on girls for their sense of validation, self-respect, and self-esteem. They live as if girl's opinions of them are what matters. If they have a good interaction with an attractive girl, they feel good about themselves. When an interaction goes bad or wrong, they feel terrible, horrible about themselves. This need to be validated by girls in order to feel good about themselves robs guys of their confidence with girls. It's unfair, because girls don't need to worry about that, they can get their validation from guys and guys won't care, however, if us guys want to get our validation from girls, girls will care and they will mind sadly, but it's just the way it is. Life is not fair in general, so in an essense, dating and relationships are not fair either. I read in a book that says if us guys want to have an easy sense of confidence with girls, how do we make it work? Practically, this means finding ways to be in love with our own life, and to have the things we are up to in our life be validating for us. Success with girls and success with life are similiar, unfortuneately. Just as girls won't go out of their way to bring us guys sexual success, life doesn't go out of it's way to bring us life success. Just as a guy's sex life is his responsibility to make the way we want it(tough pill to swallow). If we want success with girls, it makes sense for us guys to have long-term goals for our life and that inspire us and that we are moving toward, no matter how slowly. I don't blame girls for wanting us guys to have that certain quality, since traditionally we are supposed to be the main financial provider. If we do that, we will get our validation from life rather than girls. Seriously, it's like it's okay for girls to be desperate but not okay for guys, it's okay for a girl to get her validation out of a relationship, but not okay for that guy, I agree with that anoymous user, girls do have an unfair advantage.

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    • This I agree, success in life goes hand in hand with success with girl. because no girl will want a guys whos a mess or doesn't have his stuff togather

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    • Seriously, it is so much easier for girls

    • Can't change my opinion, girls have more options

  • what I say is that a desperate person is unatractive because you not having to do much but ask them out is like they are obsessed and will change into a control freak or over jelous person. also if someone is desperate some times mean they done something that made others not want them. also some people that are desperate means they just date anyone just to have a relationship because they don't wanna be alone so they find someone to be with for the time being so they would go for anyone ( I should know my freind was 1 and I watched everything he did its sad)

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    • What did he do? lol

    • This, in my opinion, is the most thought out answer on here. I say it should have best answer. While not everyone will be turned off just because someone seems desperate..... I think you really have down what the reasons could be if someone is turned off by it. Great answer!

    • Ok, just read the chosen best answer - this may be tied lol - I just really like that this answer is more compact and to the point quickly. :) lol

  • I agree with CaptinFrost below, but in addition to this, being desperate (I believe) is borderline psychotic These people scare others off as desperation usually leads to erratic behavior; its not healthy.

    I guess one of the things you have to ask yourself is - why would this person want to date me? What value would it be to them that someone else doesn't have? That is why fame, fortune and success attracts so many people, they want it too. Now on the surface this is somewhat shallow as we all hope to have relationships based off of love. However, we are all human and we can't ignore everything else going on that may enhance your life by being with this person.

    You will have much better results if you are relaxed, make friends with them, throw out some hints and be patient for a response.

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  • I agree with that anoymous user, and I do feel that girls expect more from us guys than we expect from them:Girls do seem to have the advantage, well mainly the hot, cute and pretty ones for the most part. Us guys, no matter how good-looking or handsome we are, we have to be sucessful, and not just money-wise, it is true that girls are attracted to money, but that's not the whole story. They are attracted to guys who are passionate about their lives and have fire and drive. Some of these guys have money, but some don't. An example, we've all seen garage-band-rock guitarists who get laid easily, eventhough they never play anywhere but in local bars. Their passion for something in their lives makes both these kind of guys, the guys with money and the guitarists, more attractive to girls. Along with passion, girls are attracted to guys who have deep social connections. In essense, girls are attracted to guys who have high social status, which means he has plenty of friends(both guys and girls), is frequently participating or is involved social activities, and is involved in several different social circles. Seriously, in most ways, a girl just has to be hot, cute, good-looking in order to be girlfriend material or lay material to guys, that's all, she can have no life, have a boring personality, not value herself, but of course that does not mean girls always have it easier, ask about 10 or 20 percent of girls who are not super hot. Also, I'm sure you have noticed a guy who was odd or weird in someway, and is someway a chick magnet? You probably have. It may be someone who is tattooed all over, with green hair, and multiple piercings. It may be someone you know who is very tough-looking, decked out with black-hair and a leather jacket.(most likely because the girls feel more safe around them) It may be someone with some other eccentricities. You notice that these guys seem to have made their eccentricities work for them. They are comfortable with themselves(yeah, it's very hard to fake being comfortable with ourselves, girls can easily sense when we are not confident or comfortable with ourselves from miles away, they just have to attract guys with their looks and body, that's all), tatoos, piercings, green hair, odd tastes, and all, they have no difficulty getting girls. A guy who is weird in some way, but is comfortable with it, is an inspiration for girls. A girl see's that he is unashamed of his passions, and see's himself as a person who is willing to express himself fully. These are arousing qualities to girls, who find suck guys "cute" or "artistic". They trust such guys because those guys trust themselves. A guy who isn't comfortable with his eccentricities, on the other hand, is frightening to girls.

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    • SO TRUE. ALL OF IT.

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    • Lmao - seriously? Any girl that is with a guy because he has money or because some dude is a guitarist is a little tramp b*tch w-no f*ckin brain or morals.Hence the reason she'd sleep with the guy just because he's a guitarist. & any guy who considers a girl relationship material just because she's "hot" is a low life loser that will end up cheating on her with another "hot" girl because he doesn't care about WHO she is. The people you're talkin about are pathetic & deserve 2b miserable. I'm so glad that's not me!!

    • Girls have it so much easier

  • Desperation means two things:

    1. That you've compromised who your wants in a relationship in order to find one therefore making the person you like replaceable

    2. That you don't consider yourself worthy of a relationship and thus must compromise your needs in the afore mentioned manner

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    • If you sacrifice your self to someone you lose your humanity ... This is dangerous because you can be easily controlled, it leads to cult personalities...WACO TEXAS anyone?

      A good example of brain washing : "why is it so unattractive to be desperate" .........

  • Desperate and devoted in the same sentence?

    Usually desperate means like "I REALLY WANT A BOYFRIEND"

    If you're desperate it means you'll settle for them

    UNTIL someone better comes along

    Desperate in no way would ever imply devoted

    Devoted in a relationship usually means you like them a lot

    And you probably didn't settle

    Desperate for a relationship is just looking for the next guy that will date you

    Till it goes downhill

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  • We all want to feel special.

    If you like a guy, he wants to think its cause there is something really great about him that makes you like him.

    If you are desperate and will take any guy you can get, that means he is not special to you.

    Theres a couple other reasons, buts that a big one.

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  • Well I think because when you're desperate, you're prone to make more mistakes in your relationship. Like you'll say corny or inappropriate things you normally wouldn't have said. Also it gives off a sign to your partner that you are weak, because you can't control yourself. Boys and girls are looking for people with a good head on their shoulders.

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  • Being desperate generally means that you're going to be dependent. No one wants someone who can't hold themselves up or who can't handle life on their own.

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  • I don't believe being "desperate" is unattractive. It depends how you go along it. If a girl was "desperate" to want me, and I liked her, then I would snatch her up in a heartbeat. I would cherish her and love her. But if someone doesn't like you or vice versa, desperation won't work.

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  • Ask yourself how you'd react towards a guy who seems desperate.

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  • I don't think being desperate is unattractive. It shows that you just have been though some rough times and maybe don't want to be alone anymore. It's perfectly natural to seek companionship in anyway possible.

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  • To me desperate isn't bad but desperate and unattractive is bad. I like a girl that is devoted,caring and loving.

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    • I agree with the thumbs down. What does it say about you to want a woman who is desperate? Do you really want someone groveling at your feet?

    • Hell ya I do! What man doesn't? Is that a real question? Are you serious? And I didn't say I want a desperate woman,i said isn't bad if she's hot. Is that a real question?

  • Devoted and desperate are 2 different things. Desperate means being needy and clingy, not cool. Someone who is confident in themselves and devotes themselves to someone is much better.

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  • devoting yourself fully to a girl can make the girl feel special and watsoever but! there's a

    disadvantage to this. if he devoted himself too much to her, nd she suddenly decides to break up with him if he devoted himself too much to her, nd she suddenly decides to break up with him

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  • in a way my thoughts exactly, but at the same time how long will their devotion derived from desperation last? how fickle is that?

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  • if a girl was desperate for me I would know she loves and wants me...and I would love it...its very attractive

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  • How desperate are you talking like cutting your hair and mailing it to people or just having low standards

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  • Yeah I'm desperate. I'm screwed. lol And I would love someone devoted to me.

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  • holy mother its mostly because being desperate is something so sour that people automatically refuse this kind of behavior. they just couldn't care less. About the feeling that is.

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  • Because they would f*** anyone and you're not at all unique or special?

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  • Sometimes its a bit too over the top for my liking. Everyone deserves some space.

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  • well its only unattractive to the people that aren't desperate

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  • I'm desperate guy.. Where can I find a girl who's desperate? LOl

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  • it's ten times worse if you are a guy...and look desperate.

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    • Ya, I guess. But isn't it pretty bad for girls too? like when she is just all over him and lets him walk all over her? Or is that weirdly attractive to guys?

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    • You make a good point about the emotional stuff... but on the other hand I see a lot of guys make mistakes in relationships because they are afraid to come off too emotional, like not being able to apologize, or making their ex girlfriends jealous in hopes that they will come back to them, its like a catch 22

    • In order for a girl to be an alpha female, she just has to look good, that's all, nothing else, but for the oppossite, it is much more harder

  • Makes you easy, less valuable, people want things they can't have, kids fight over toys for the sake of fighting over it and then lose interest in it when everyone else does to...

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  • Yeah I know. What the hell? I'm desperate. I wish girls would like it.

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    • Yeah they should like it because it show them how much us guys want to be with them, how much we desire them

  • a lot of guys will date a girl who has no life, has a boring personality, overall is just a boring person, is bratty and mopes, whines around a lot, is clingy and desperate, but will still accept her as long as she is very hot and pretty, but even if a guy is very hot, like let's say the guy looks like Cristiano Ronaldo, Taylor Lautner, David Beckham, but if he is a boring person, has no life, is clingy and desperate, whines and mopes around a lot, girls will reject them instantly. Seriously, girls have an unfair advantage in the dating and relationship world. Plus, I still think girls have it easier because all they have to do is welcome or reject a guy's advances.

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    • Not really because what if we don't get any advances? And who says a guy will still 'accept her' if she is hot but has bad character?

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    • I think sgh2006 was agreeing with the point raised that girls don't have to initiate. It is, after all, all he seems to talk about in these type of questions...

    • Well it's reality

What Girls Said 25

  • Well it's a natural instinct to try and get the best possible mate you can. When someone is desperate, they're saying indirectly that you are better than they could probably get. This makes the other person believe that there is something inferior about that person and that they could probably do better. I'm not saying its right or wrong, it's just the way we're programmed. There's also a big difference between devotion and desperation. Devotion is built over time and isn't shown as an insecurity.

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    • +1 for pointing out rightly that its neither right nor wrong but just something that runs in us - you forgot to mention the disparity between perceived and actual value though :)

  • I've seen A LOT of people in my high school who are desperate and to be honest..It's not that I find them unattractive...I find it more of a turn off to their impression of when I see them.

    I've had about 4 guys this school year who are "desperate" ask me out. Thank god I never gave them a chance.

    It sounds heartless off me even though I don't mean to say this...but guys that I have analyzed who ARE desperate are not worth it.

    First off, they think their relationship with you will last forever, they are too clingy and the moment the relationship is over they won't seem to have much emotions of a "heart brake".

    They instantly go for the next girl, and so on an so on.

    I'm glad I never dated one because I feel good knowing that I won't just date any person, I'm waiting for the right one. And second, you'll wonder why they act completely fine after a brake up.

    It depends on how long you've been with the person. This is just my opinion from watching desperate guys. Oh and a lot of them try to hit on many girls to try and see which one might go out with them from what I've seen.

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  • You are confusing desperate & devotion:

    Don't let people convince you your love is desperation...its a lie people tell cause they want free sex, & they don't want any thing that will make them feel beholden...

    Devotion can be strong & independent & caring desperation is sub human.

    (you can be so devoted to someones well being that you leave them because they are better off without you , or you are better off without them...it could be never seeing them because you are working three shifts help get them get thru school - they may have done the same for you in the past)

    lots of people like clingy 'devoted' people- lots don't...just find someone who does , because its not a moral flaw just a preference...u are being to hard on yourself if that is what you want...devotion in s loving and caring.

    Desperation is just crazy & it does not descriminate...u are not desperate towards someone you CARE for

    desperate is more like someone going out & fu*8ing everything that moves..

    or someone stay in an abusive relationship because they R DESPERATE for money or w/e

    don't feel bad about wanting to be devoted...just be sure to find someone who wants to will & can reciprocate & will be devoted to you :)

    (you can be DEVOTED without suffocating or being suffocated...its in your heart you feel it)

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  • There's a difference between the two:

    Desperate is trying extremely hard to please someone that you really don't even know yet... like going overboard with your emotions when there's no reason to have that emotion yet. Like saying I love you to someone you've dated for a week. That's kinda saying "I really don't wanna lose you so I'm going to say or do something that will make you feel like you have to stay" but in the end, they don't feel like they have to do anything because they don't really know you that well yet and it's just going to send them packing and running from a crazy person. lol. This is a huge reason to not have sex with someone if you are desperate because you will get more confused and think that they only wanted sex and chalk it up to them being an *ss that used you when really it's because you were acting like a lunatic. People need time to think about you and miss you a little bit when things are getting started. It's impossible for someone to see you as someone they don't want to lose if you are always around and not giving them a chance to miss you a little bit. Desperate is constantly calling and asking them what they're doing, where they've been etc because you are desperate not to lose them. Like you HAVE to be with someone and the fact you can't possibly have strong feelings this early (at least not real ones) shows that it doesn't matter WHO you are with - would you want to be with someone that didn't care it was YOU or ANYONE ELSE? That would suck!

    Devotion is quite different. I see that as just being overall caring, respectful, and giving in a relationship. It is something that happens over time rather than right away also. It starts out just being considerate and doing little sweet gestures in the beginning. That's enough to let the person know you 'will be' devoted to them if things keep going well. It's about being faithful and letting who you are with know that you would do all you can to ensure they're happy and show that they're the only one you want. Again - this is over time. Devotion is knowing you want to be with that person in particular and knowing that you would not leave them over something that's trivial. To be devoted to someone within a week is an illusion from the result of desperation. Yes, you can be 'committed' to someone after a week and each decide you don't want to date anyone else... but that is not the same as devotion. Do you understand what I'm saying? If not, feel free to ask any additional questions. :)

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  • i like this question a lot and the answers. I guess being desperate is like telling the guy you'll do anything and everything and there is not challenge or chase for him to over come.

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  • devotion is not desperation it is devotion.

    desperation is when you negate yourself to uphold someone else..

    you become a human sacrifice.

    it is not attractive because you lose what makes you you.

    al of your authenticity it goes out when you live solely for someone else..

    people like to be around a little personality

    & you need to be able to stand up for yourself in the world..if you get used to being subservient, yo will not be able to take care of yourself& at some point we are all alone.

    >>>>> IT IS VERY BORIG TO LIVE WITH A DOOR MAT *

    (a submissive person who allows others to dominate them :)

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  • For some reason when a person is desperate is makes the other person not want them that badly. when a person is not desperate you you feel all kinds of feelings or it can make them seem weak if there desperate. when a person is desperate there's no fight. so it makes the other person not want them. but to be devoted that person has to be faithful and you have to truth them.

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  • because desparation isn't usually geared toward the other person. its to satisfy personal feelings of incompetence and insecurity. theyre using someone else to make them feel worthy. desperation isn't about dedication. if you think it is, then what you're experiencing definitely isn't desparation

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  • Devoted? yes. Stalker? no.

    But seriously, anyone that desperate for a relationship, is only looking out for their own wants and needs. It would be a very one-sided relationship because the desperate one would NEED all the attention all the time. Just my opinion :)

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  • Would you respect someone that let you walk all over them?

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    • No, I probably wouldn't think twice about them

    • That's what ends up happening with a lot of "desperate" people. They're overly-devoted so their partner loses respect

  • Desperation and devotion are two different things. If someone senses too much neediness or insecurity the other person feels like they are living only for someone else and not for themselves as well.

    No one wants a guy/girl who will drop their underwear in a tick for someone who only wants one thing, or a person who rings up constantly every five minutes and wants to know what you are doing where you are going etc ete.

    Devotion: When someone brings you gifts, takes you away or out for a meal, suprises you with things, looks after you when you are ill, sticks by you through thick and thin.

    Desperation: When a person lets you walk all over them and doesn't even notice that you are there, or when a person will go to any lengths (usually degrading) to make that person notice them.

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  • Desperate can be a good or bad thing; depending on how its used. If your desperate for a man that means you'll take anyone at anytime. That it is not a good thing; you need to have priories and set standards for what you need, not for what your desperate for.

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  • For me, when a guy is desperate and then they try to talk to me, they wouldn't even know me and they'd ask me to date them, and that I'm amazing, and wonderful and blah blah blah. and I'm not like yay I'm wonderful! cause they don't mean it, they just want a girlfriend. so its annoying how they don't even know me and want to date me and do stuff with me. and I would want someone is going to be devoted to me and care for me and stuff, just not the fake kind. Its very irritating when guys do that and just go on and on when they don't know a single thing about me and tell me they love me and stuff.

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  • There is a difference between desperate and devoted. To me when some is desperate it means they would do ANYTHING. Many people who are desperate aren't looking for a serious relationship more for ANY relationship and that's why they usually don't work. Devoted is when someone doesn't cheat and stays true and you don't need to be desperate to do that.

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  • There is a difference between desperate and devoted.

    I think you need to figure it out for yourself.

    I would love someone to be devoted.

    But desperate for my attention screams low confidence.

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  • Being too needy males people back off of that person. Because no one wants someone too needy. It is a turn off to most people.

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  • Desperation in a guy would make me think "ANYONE WILL DO" or HE'S NEEDY, there is a big difference between chasing ,being attentive and desperate.

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  • It makes any think they're clingy and needy and can't cope without me x

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  • BECAUSE it obvious that you have so many feelings.

    so, people want a little mystery.. don't show desperate, and theyll come runnnin

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  • Desperation doesn't equal devotion. Desperation is sleeping with anyone or just getting with anyone even if you're not attracted. Desperate people will just get with someone so they don't have to be alone or so they can have sex. I think that's unfair to their partner who might actually like them.

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  • A woman speaking here :) ( Not a "Girl" LOL). Just wanted to add my bit of "two cents" to this conversation. From what I recall, boys came after you because they only wanted one thing- SEX. They would tell you that you're pretty, monopolize all of your free time (unbeknownst to you) , call you and ask you how your day went and then after they accomplished their goal of getting you into bed, you were labeled as "needy" "clingy" or "desperate" when you sought something deeper. See, here's the thing, I have never seen a woman act in desperation PRIOR to sleeping with a man. Most ladies that I know are happily single, going about their lives and careers while enjoying a booming social life. Men tend to want you when they see that you are fulfilled without them and therefore, you present a "challenge" for them. The minute that they "get" you, you're no longer a "challenge" or "mystery" to be discovered. But solid relationships are not built upon "challenges" or "competitions". They're built on compatibility, trust, loyalty, compromise, maturity and respect, so if a guy gives you the inpression that you're needy, clingy or desperate, he's probably not the guy for you, as he may exhibit characteristics that make you question the validity of the relationship, thus causing unnatural amounts of anxiety which may make a woman appear desperate. Honestly, you can't trust what a guy says before he has proven himself. Period. Don't believe the fly by night compliments, dinners or gifts are the "real thing". Focus on yourself, your own life and goals, making yourself fulfilled and happy and try not to care about a relationship. Once you do this, you'll have guys lined up at your door in a very "desperate" fashion. Trust me! LOL the more you stand on your own two feet and live your life for you, the more attractive you will be to them. They don't tend to like "devotion" or someone that is there for them all of the time. What they want is someone that doesn't need them.

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  • Being devoted to someone is one thing. Being desperate and clingy is another. Desperate means they are taking the first girl who will stick. The girl isn't special other than she did not say no to them. And then they look to you for everything instead of being a balanced person who has friends and a life of their own as well as enjoy time with you. Not many guys or girls want a puppy dog following them around 24/7.

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  • because by being desperate, you're essentially putting the other party on a pedestal, thus lowering yourself. you make that person look like they are better and higher than you. which by default makes you look worse and lower. being desperate lowers your value and also makes it look like you are just hungry for a relationship, any relationship and can't function w/o them. you want someone to like YOU, not like the idea of having you, or just like you because you're there and paying attn to them

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  • because they turn clingy. everyone needs their space and room to breathe.

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  • desperate show that you aren't secure in who you are. it shows the other person that you need someone in your life to complete you when in reality, if you aren't ok with being alone you will never be ok in a relationship. desperate screams I am not ok being alone...it's a complete turn off!

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    • Aww I'm really screwed then.

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    • I hate and despise always having to initiate, but I have no choice but to do it

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