Why can't men be honest about caring about looks?

Men care about looks for biological reasons. But why do they always lie about this? Is it because they don't realize how much looks matter to them or think they will look shallow for telling the truth? I believe honesty is the best policy, & I know a lot people would look down on a guy if he told the truth, but who cares? I'd rather tell the truth & have people not like me than lie just to be accepted.


0|0
6|37

Most Helpful Guy

  • I think that in western culture, despite the fact we use sex to sell everything you can imagine, still pushes a false narrative on us about romantic relationships. Our movies, TV shows, music sell us the idea that love is egalitarian, blind and just. We're told the good guys/girls always win because they have more personal integrity.

    It's a narrative that feels good to us because it allows us to believe that love doesn't discriminate but it also makes people feel ashamed when their own desires do discriminate (shallowness). It also causes a lot of pain when discover that the narrative we so desperately want to be true isn't true and both men and women have a hard time letting go of it.

    Men aren't as unemotional as we seem. Some men can be surprisingly vehement in denying the importance of physical attraction to them. Others are quite open (and sometimes rude) about it. It varies.

    Honestly, I admit looks matter to me. I couldn't date a woman I wasn't physically attracted to. That said, I also couldn't date an attractive girl who's also a rotten person either. Both of those criteria ultimately need to be met. Looks are very important, no doubt but men speak truthfully when they tell you that personality is too.

    However, I think that, while many people, both men and women, feel ashamed for their natural desires, they paradoxically take an overly pessimistic view of the opposite sex. The media only exacerbates this. Too many women out there are convinced that men will only find them attractive if they're unnaturally skinny and I've seen too many men get angry and bitter because they've convinced themselves that women only care about money.

    I've personally been attracted to many different types of women. I've been attracted to bigger women, flat chested women, women with freckles, and so on. Just because looks matter doesn't mean I adhere to the image of what popular culture sells us as beautiful.

    3|1
    0|0

What Guys Said 36

  • Wait a minute..what do you mean by 'looks?' do you mean makeup, clothes. etc.? No, those aren't that important except maybe at job interviews.

    In personal life, the smile, the quality of the eyes, are the important things, not the things than can be manufactured or faked.

    2|0
    0|0
  • I don't lie about what I find attractive in a women, physically of course. I've said in front of other female friends, that I find a certain girl particularly attractive; heck, I've said it to the girls themselves! Because really, what good is it going to do, if you're going to beat around the bush about things that may be of utmost important to you, but you down play it; you both lose out.

    But like most men out there, looks aren't everything. They're very important indeed; I mean how else are you going to be attracted to someone, if they're not attractive (subjectively of course) straight off the bat? How many people do you know, strike up a conversation with someone that they don't find attractive? Why do we avoid people who look like they've been without a home for the past month? Because we're genetically built for it, so there's no reason in trying to hide that fact.

    But the looks are just a hurdle. Once you're past that point, then it's all about personality, and that's where the longevity of a relationship is found. I guess that's why they / we don't place as much attention to saying that looks matter, because if you weigh it up, they don't, it's like the neck of bottle. If you can't get past the neck of the bottle, then you can't get to the rest of the bottle, which is much more. It's probably a case of less emphasis on looks, rather than more emphasis on personality, that's making it sound like we're being dishonest about it. It's probably a bad analogy, but that's how I view it.

    Another point is that we all try to censor what we say, in the hopes that we'll get the point across, without actually having to tell you the truth; we'll look for something more palatable rather than what really is causing the issue. It's very rare that you find someone that's completely honest with you, and completely honest with themselves. How many people do you know that actually can handle the truth?

    Most of the time when we say we can handle the truth we can't. We can handle the truth we want to hear, but we rarely can accept the truth (and that's contentious too, because truth is really subjective, like everything else). Why? It's because we want to feel like we're in control of everything. And that's why people play to that, by giving something more palatable. It's easier to change your personality, as opposed to changing your physical appearance, i.e. you're more in control of your personality, than your looks. So we'll spit out something that you think you're in control of, rather than what you aren't.

    It's like myself, I'd rather hear that I'm a jerk, rather than I'm an ugmo, even if the truth was that I am an ugmo. Why? Because I have a better chance of changing my personality, rather than going through expensive elective surgery to change my physical appearance.

    0|0
    0|0
  • As you know girls care about looks. Just like guys do. And when it comes to just having sex. Men and women both will go after the more attractive persons. However, with this said, men tend to go after just sex more often than women do. Not to say women don't. So being a woman, think about it like this. Men and women are both the same when it comes to this category. When it comes down to actual dating the person, looks can only get you so far. An unattractive girl or guy can get a bf/gf. But usually it's after a while of knowing the guy or girl. The men that lie about it not being about looks is the same as women lying and saying it's not about looks. Let's be real here, if you see someone, you don't start talking to them because you like their personality. No. That is impossible. A guy approaches a girl because he finds her attractive. Women, for the most part usually wait for the guy to approach. Yes, some women do approach guys, but I'm talking about in a general sense. So if the girl is less attractive, she is going to be approached by guys who are less attractive than other guys. If a less attractive girl actually got up and approached an attractive guy, then they would have a better shot. Especially because guys aren't like women when it comes to having a friend zone. So the less attractive girl doesn't have to worry, for the most part that is, of becoming "the friend".

    Just like you said about guys not wanting to look shallow, girls are the same way. And I know you know being a woman. A woman who says, yeah, I went after him because he's hott, or not go after him because he's not hot. Tend to get the same reaction as guys do when they say the same thing about girls. Like really, it's not all about looks you shallow piece of sh*t. But no matter how ugly someone is. A guy and a girl for that matter will only date people they find attractive. I'm not saying HOT. but attractive. Let's be real here, there has to be some kind of physical attractiveness to the person you are with. Obviously personality helps make these physical appearance look even hotter than before, but on looks alone. We all go after the people we are attracted to and not the ones we aren't attracted too. Physically.

    My question to you is, why do women care about not hurting a guys feelings when it comes down to looks? I'm assuming it's the same thing as to why guys do it. But yeah

    Guys lie because they don't want to hurt the girls feelings they are talking too, and look like complete douchebags. They don't want to look like they are after only sex. Now this is just what I am picking up from other guys. Because me, myself. I don't have a problem saying to a girl that I think another girl is hot and that I would want to bang her. I have no problem telling a girl to her face that I think she is unattractive. Or telling a girl I won't date a girl because that girl is unattractive. We live in a society that cares too much about other peoples feelings, but like you said. Who cares

    0|0
    0|0
    • and I know you don't care about women because you aren't attracted to women. And that you are attracted to men and want to know how men think and why. But I used the womans perspective because really... As much as we try our best to stay different. We have a lot of similarities. Even when it comes to the reasons why we lie. I also felt I kinda went off on a tangent, so hope you were able to understand it all lol.

  • I honestly only care to an extent. If they're no physical attraction it just isn't going to happen. HOWEVER, now that I've been around the block a little I care less about looks. Say a girl is what I'd consider a 7; physically attractive, but not amazing. I'll take a 7 with a good personality over a 10 with the personality of burnt toast all day. How often can you really enjoy somebody's looks compared to their personality?

    Now, one night stands on the other hand...

    2|0
    0|0
  • I'm not going to lie. Looks do matter and I admit that that I am a bit shallow on that end. At the same time, if the girl is beautiful but has a nasty personality or is a terrible person, It won't matter how good she looks, I'm not interested (these girls are what we call, f'em dump em girls and I don't intend to change in that thinking).

    there is a reason for this.

    Guys are very visual people.

    We think with our penises and not our brains for most of the time unfortunately, so the less attractive but wonderful personality girls get left out of our though process when we approach girls.

    for me personally, as long as the girl can provoke just a little bit of lust in me (we need it after all to get a hard on) and make me somewhat attracted to her(which isn't really hard), I'm good to go. I think attraction is key to why guys value good looks alot. Its the kind of thing where I wish I was blind but unfortunately I'm not and we need to live in the real world, so that's why looks do matter

    So the thought process for guys

    Looks

    Personality

    Intelligence

    Homeiliness (is she wifey material)

    Doesnt scare the crap out of you when you see her bad side after a relatioship but before marriage (both looks and personality when she isn't at her best)

    1|0
    0|0
    • lol, I know what you meant by "homeliness" but the actual definition of the word is "not attractive or good looking" XD

      And actually, girls are pretty similar. If a girl's not a little attracted by a guy at first, then she's not going to start a conversation, right? =P

  • IF a guy lies about caring about looks, and that's a big IF, I have a theory about why, and I may get flamed for this, but that's OK, it's my theory and I'll own it. I think that we, as a culture, are programming everyone to care about everyone elses feelings more than practical reality. Essentially, the guys who lie about caring about appearance do so because they've been programmed by an increasingly feminized society to be insecure about hurting the feelings of others. They would rather leave someone with an illusion of hope than smash them over the head with reality.

    Not trying to be aggressive in this post, this just happens to be what I believe. In essence, you can thank the guys mothers for conditioning their sons to be that way, if my theory is correct.

    1|1
    0|0
  • You're right, any man who says he doesn't care about looks is lying. I will be honest with you and say that looks do matter to me. However, it's not the only thing that matters.

    In my opinion, guys overvalue looks and girls overvalue confindence. What I mean by this is way too often I've seen guys having a view that if a girl is a babe then guys will let her off the hook, and girls often let guys off the hook who are confident. So basically, a girl can be incredibly stuck up but if she's hot guys will let her off the hook, while a guy can be a complete jerk but if he's confident girls will let him off the hook. This is why it seems girls like jerks and guys like gold diggers. Guys have sent the message that as long as a girl is pretty they can get away with a lot, while girls have sent the message that as long as a guy is confident, he can get away with a lot.

    I know men being attracted to looks and women being attracted to confidence is biological/instictive, as it is for pretty much all animals. However, humans have one ability that animals lack: the ability to think rational. That's something they don't use enough when it comes to dating, and they use attraction/instincts as an excuse for stupidity. To me, instincts aren't an excuse for stupidity, but far too many people mention them when explaining their irrational dating choices.

    For me, yeah, looks are something (but not everything) that attracts myself as well as all men. But for me, if the girl is stuck up and shallow, that's a deal breaker no matter how good she looks. I don't let my instincts overrule me being rational.

    1|1
    0|0
  • Some of us don't care about looks; we've dated a hottie or two--bitchy, self-centered and venomous--and decided we could do without.

    3|0
    0|0
  • Be it my 'biological tastes' or not; I'm only partial to looks.

    Sure I have a set definition of what I would like to see, [gothic]

    But I personally [not for all men] place a higher baring on personalities

    You can be the best looking woman in the world and fit into gothic clothes nicely with makeup

    But if your personality isn't there, then I'll honestly tell you and back away.

    I don't give two pieces about your looks in general, again I might lean more toward gothic, but it doesn't mater if your small, medium, big, xxxl, long as your personality is there and if/when we get intimate she's emotional about it or just treating me like a sack of moterized thrusting meat.

    Hope this helps

    0|0
    0|0
  • I just got chewed out on a question about a girl who didn't want to shave her legs and I told her that I thought unshaved legs are gross on a girl and she more or less called me a seixst pig..thats what the truth gets you sometimes...But HONESTLY I feel kinda blessed in other ways because I find most girls attractive..prolly about 85% of them...and there is really only a few I would call ugly..so I feel like I just gotta find a girl with a good personality and more likely than not I'll be able to be physically attracted to her.

    1|0
    1|0
    • Yeah, it's interesting how actually tell the truth gets people angry at you. Would that woman have liked it if you lied to her. I guess I'm sexist too because I think it's gross when men "do" shave their legs. Good Luck.

    • I realize its a social thing..i mean yes hair down there is natural...but so is not showering...we live in a modern age and there are new un-natural standards and people just need to get over it.

  • your quote:

    I believe honesty is the best policy, & I know a lot people would look down on a guy if he told the truth, but who cares?

    my response:

    well you just answered your question. It's a matter of perspective, too, for a guy thinks if he's completely honest with you...well, he might devour you in the elevator becasue you're so beautiful. Men have raging hormones, like dogs, they just can't completely be themselves in public, else we'd be humping you all the time, getting sued for sexual harassment. We're animals, noticably unbalanced. Yet guys who have being restraining themselves like a gentleman, I suppose, might say they have no such animal sexual instincts nor would they give into them.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Here's my honest two bits.

    Biologically, I don't care. That's meant for passing on stuff genetically, and I don't want kids. The traits that will be passed down to the next generation don't affect much, since they're not getting passed down by me in the first place.

    In terms of appearance, a lot of the issue is about day-to-day upkeep. If that girl looks like she just doesn't care about herself, then I'm not going to want that. Brush your hair, brush your teeth, wear clean clothes, and this shouldn't be a problem.

    In terms of physique, it's about attraction. For some guys, there's status-related attraction in play. If the guy is looking for a trophy girlfriend, he'll only want her because she's hot- the kind of girl he can show off to his friends and say "look at the babe I landed!" For most guys looking for a good relationship, they'll want someone they like to look at every day- and this varies from person to person. I like a cute face, and I'm not that picky about body (not obese, not anorexic, no self-inflicted wounds). Keep yourself in good condition, and you're likely to find a guy who loves you for what you are.

    Typically, it's because of the issue that personality IS more important. I wouldn't date a stunning girl who was a complete bitch. I wouldn't stay around with a really cute girl who threatens to kill herself if I leave. A lot of the problem in this regard comes from the fact that men are usually the ones to approach. If I'm looking around for girls to be in a relationship with, I basically have nothing to judge most of them on besides looks, at least until I take them out on a date or two. I don't know who's interested in me and who isn't, and I don't know who's a good match for me and who isn't. No guy is able to date every girl until he finds the perfect match, so most of us go by who matches our criteria of physical attractiveness and choose from there.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm not going to lie, I do care about a girl's looks. But that's not all I care about. Sure I love to have a gorgeous girlfriend, but what good are looks if you're not even compatible with one another. Personality is definitely key! Looks just draw me in, but it takes a great personality to keep me interested. Many gorgeous girls I have initially wanted to date are now the same girls who are at the bottom of my lise because they were not what I was looking for personality wise. And I honestly tend to find girls more attractive if I click with them, even if they are not that good looking.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Yeah I'll be completely honest and blunt. I know I'm a decent looking guy. I work hard to keep myself in great shape as well as staying down to earth. So yeah, it's no surprise I prefer an attractive girl with a personality and a great body. Every guy wants a sexy girl, but only a small percentage of guys can actually get them.

    It's all about knowing what's in your league and what's out of your league. Many people, guys and girls alike, shoot for people way out of their leagues. It's fuzzy logic at its best, cause there's no logic to it.

    You can't hold higher standards, if you yourself don't have those standards.

    If a girl takes care of her body and she's in good shape, there's no way in hell that's she's going to like a fat slob of a guy.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Very true. Since your being honest, can I ask a question? Do you think people who are not attractive can date someone else who isn't attractive and be satisfied?

    • Of course, they can. Like everyone else, they too have to understand what's in and out of their league. If he or she is not willing to face the truth about his or her appearance, then it's nobody else's problem but his or her own. The thought process of "I'm not the best looking person, so I shouldn't shoot for something that's unattainable, I have to stay within myself," is completely unheard of. People have to swallow their pride and assess themselves the right way, instead of thinking...

    • I deserve the best just like everyone else. Everyone isn't created equal in the looks department, and people have to come to terms with that.

  • For the same reason as your asking this questing (the possibility they are lying) I can't answer for all men. However for me at least there is a line between my girlfriend and other girls. For some reason I can not explain I love how my Girlfriend looks without no exception.

    She might not correspond to what I think is beautiful in other women but I have never thought anyone has ever been as beautiful as she is. This also creates a small problem. Because of this line I got 2 "definitions of beautiful" but only one word between them.

    So you can imagine if I was to make an objective statement (god forbid I ever do it for fear of my life) like "that girl is more beautiful then you love." and meaning it in a very objective way referring to the standard the world currently got. And not how my personal should I say "flavour" is.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I agree with you. The first main obstacle a girl has to overcome before I really am interested in her is her appearance.

    Then there are a series of girls that I find attractive and I can then begin to get to know them. If I have fun with them and our personalities match up than we can take the relationship further but ultimately a girl must be attractive in 2 ways physically and emotionally.

    I'm just being not shallow but if a girl isn't skinny and have some curves I'm most likely not interested

    0|0
    0|0
  • honestly I care about wheather the girl is chill and funny before looks, because if I got into a relationship with that girl that's watd keep it strong I could imagine her looking like anybody hard to not imagine a girl bein a bitch

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm on the physical first, personality later train myself. Yes, looks ARE important to me and they do come first. But it's not necessarily the most important for in the end, her personality decides whether or not I want anything farther to do with her.

    Am I shallow? Perhaps. But at least there's water in the pond.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Because we don't want to be seen as shallow, and we don't want you to think that personality doesn't matter to us. Being physically attractive kind of leads us in and sparks the initial interest, but your pyrsonality determines if we stick around or not.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Look are important, in a biological way too. But you are fooling yourself if you think they are more important to men than women. Women go out and check out other girls, and make comparisons. Guys don't as much, they check other girls and lust.

    Girls are the ones with all the magazines that are based solely around products that make you "look better". Make up, push up bras, hair styling, girls find all of that much more important than men do.

    And men do care about looks, and yes we don't want to look as shallow as we can be. But its not a one-sided story.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Lion, can I call you lion, I'm not discussing women here. I don't care what women are attracted to because I don't date women. Also, I already understand women, so I don't need to ask them to answer this, I aleady have that answer. I'm only trying to understand men because I'm not attracted to women, you see lion?

    • Lol fair enough, and I may have ranted a bit there.

      I think marty has a point when about the definition of "looks".

      I'll admit looks are important, and men shouldn't lie about it. But I actually am not lying when I tell girls they look better without make-up because I only say it to girls I'm attracted to and when I see them without all the glamour and am still attracted to them it speaks a lot louder.

  • I sometimes lie about it because I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT LOOKS.

    But unfortunately I do. I keep trying to get myself out of the trap of only thinking about physically attractive girls but I really am starting to believe it's something nobody can change.

    Even the Dalai Lama said that beautiful women are his weakness, despite decades of meditation and deep spiritual revelation.

    0|0
    0|0
  • My experience has always been that women lie a lot more about that than guys do, especially to their friends. A lot of girls will tell a guy he's handsome whatever but then refuse to date him - the truth is they don't think he's handsome, they just say that to make him feel better.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I'm not asking about women. This isn't an argument about which gender is more shallow. I'm just asking about men. So please answer the question regarding why men lie about caring about looks. I'm a woman, I not trying to understand women because I want to date men, you see?

    • I don't lie about it and I haven't met any guys that do, so I'm not sure what you're getting at.

  • Next time a guy tells you looks don't matter, ask him if he'd marry a girl who looked exactly like his dad (swap the wing wang for a hoo hah) but had a "great personality."

    0|0
    0|0
  • It's a girl's looks that first attracts you so to that extent looks do matter but I think that looks lead to lust while personality decides attraction. I couldn't be with a beautiful girl whose personality I didn't find attractive

    0|0
    0|0
  • i am honest...i girls who have a big booty and can't lie lol But I also want a girl for deeper reasons, and if that deep reason isn't there I won't be interested for very long will i? I want to be honest with a girl that her physical aspect attracts me alot, but she may think its to extream...we think about the deep aspect of a relationship...the looks attract us...but the person makes us stay...and the more they accept us the more we will want to stay

    0|0
    0|0
  • I care about looks. Never said I didnt!

    0|0
    0|0
  • For the same reasons women aren't exactly honest about penis size.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Seriously, I don't want to hear about the penis insecurity. I haven't met a woman to this day that would pick a guy just because of his size "down there."

  • Everyone cares about look for biological reasons. To say either sex doesn't is simply ignorant.

    Women don't care about looks regarding men just because they are lesbians, but women do care about looks regarding women; women love to look at women.

    0|0
    0|0
    • If you think all women are lesbians, you don't understand girls & should change your name.

  • don't want to be classified as being shallow would probably be the biggest reason.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Is that you in your picture?

    0|0
    0|0
    • All the pics on my profile are real. I have pictures of friends, family, & boyfriend.

  • More from Guys
    6

What Girls Said 6

  • yeah well I'm average looking, I haven't been told I'm hot until I am at a bar so that means I'm not that pretty right?

    yeah guys are based on looks a lot I can tell that, it's the sad truth and it hurts. I'm just not into having a relationship with a guy for that reason, a lot of guys judge on looks.

    2|0
    0|0
  • EVERYONE cares about looks for biological reasons, to a certain extent. It's not a gender specific thing. But that doesn't mean people always judge based on looks alone. It's only one part of the equation. Also, not all guys lie. That's a huge generalization.

    1|0
    1|0
    • I was only asking about guys. I know how my own gender works & I'm not trying to date them. So, I was only interested in what's going on with men. And I know not all men lie about this, but many do. I've seen a lot guys on this site who say looks don't matter, & I'm just wondering what is going on with the lying.

    • Well for one thing, I think that when people say looks don't matter, they don't mean that they don't notice looks or that they play no role at all. What I think they mean is that looks are not the most important thing, or the only thing that matters. Personality is usually the most important factor, since looks can't excuse horrible behavior.

  • I totally agree with you with what a guy does. I don't like it either, I do wonder the exact same thing. Maybe cause they don't want to seem shallow or something, but in reality, it's still all about looks to a guy cause I mean really, guys would still go up to an attractive girl than an unattractive girl.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Most people care about look but sometimes no matter how hot a girl is if she's got a horrible personality they won't stay with her forever. It's a balance, I think. Looks matter though.

    1|0
    2|0
  • So what is attractive to you? When it's biological you can tell what is that thing in a woman that makes her attractive. What is she supposed to look alike?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Guys don't usually lie haha. They Do care about looks. Way more than most girls

    1|0
    0|0
Loading...