Should I look past his dishonesty?

I've been dating a guy for the past year. The first 9 months were more casual, but the last the months have been committed and serious. I've even moved in with him. Up until now, I've been the oblivious idiot. Now I get these gut feelings that I can't shake, so much so that I've resorted to snooping. I'm not proud of it, but it turns out I was right. While we were casual, he had been dating a girl long distance (she visited him, he visited her- I was lied to at the time), going on dates with a coworker, and formed a flirty relationship with a bartender. I'm fully aware that we were not exclusive, but I'm hurt that he lied to me about all of it when confronted. Eventually, he came clean about the long distance girl, but with partial truth (he doesn't know how much I found out). He is also dishonest (or omitting?) about his relationship with the coworker (and still current friend) and bartender. I'm so hurt that he would continue to lie to me. I can't tell if he's doing it to protect me or if he's really just a scumbag who can't be trusted. I also do know why I feel the need to know everything. While the truth hurts, just know it might help me decide if I can move on, with or without him. Start with a clean slate, I suppose. Any advice about what I should do? Should I trust this guy or believe that his omissions are for the better now that we're in a "loving and committed" relationship? Thank you so much for reading all of this!

Updates:
I should include that we've had quite a few talks in which I try to break up with him and he does nothing but tries to keep us together. While still denying everything, he's been very patient with my lash outs and "will not give up on us".

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Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all, never apologize for snooping, I hate this stigma that if you snoop, you're doing something wrong and invading. I'm sorry but I always say, if there is nothing to hide there'll be nothing to find. Admittedly you could find something that looks bad but is innocent, but you just ask the person. They might feel like you don't trust them, but if they are honest with you, that trust will begin again, plus, you wouldn't have gone snooping if your instincts weren't there. Now, if I were in your shoes, I would actually confront him about it all, and let him know you know he's lying. If there is an innocent explanation he will come rolling out of it and should understand why you thought something was going on, if he goes on the defensive, personally he knows he's guilty. People who lie, and decieve can be easily caught out. Personally I believe he has decieved you. The one where you were casual, you could put down to the fact that you were in the beginnings and he strayed. However, if you feel that you two are now a couple and all that, then yes I too would feel something was odd. There is such a thing as having your cake and eating it, and he may well love you, but it looks to me like he wants the cherry on the top too. Lay it out and make it clear, and you will get your answer.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 8

  • I might be a little brutal when stating this, but, dumb his @*$. I have been in a relationship like that before, and trust me Hun, it's not pretty. Second chances are always good, but if it's continuous... You need to kick him out or move on. Moving on would be a good decision, and without him would be an even better one. Also another note, if he's seeing you while with another woman, that means that he's probably done it multiple times before and still will years to come. I would say, as much as 'he loves you' ( if he really loved you / respected you, he wouldn't be doing all of this) you need to find the quickest and fastest way out of this so called ' relationship' because it's only going to get worst from here. ;C Hope everything clears up.

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  • I don't trust him.

    I was casually dating a man (you know, went on 2 dates, nothing serious) and then got asked on a date by someone else and I casually went on 2 dates with him too.

    I told the guy I had been with first that I went on another date the moment it happened because I thought he had the right to know, and he was OK with it. He was jealous, but he said until I was ready to settle down he couldn't make me stop seeing other people. After about 2 weeks, I chose the first man, now my current partner of well over a year. He to this day tells me that he valued that honesty I showed him.

    This guy you were seeing did not show the same honesty. I feel that he could continue a relationship with you now and still be seeing other people. If I were you, I would consider backing down from him, maybe going back to casually dating so you can start looking for someone more worth your time!

    Good luck! :)

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    • Thanks for the advice. This definitely isn't easy. The past 3 months have been completely transparent (well, as transparent as can be, past ommissions aside). I know he's not seeing anyone now. This is more about being able to move on and having closure to a certain degree, which he is not giving me.

    • Agreed, the honesty you show someone is a maker or breaker because you NEED that trust, no matter how angry, mad, jealous, or sad someone is, telling them and being honest is very respectful.

  • Ok I'm confused? You said its casual but yet you said you've been dating for almost a year now and you even moved in with him? To me that's a serious relationship and if he's pulling the casual card on you then he's using the excuse to not commit to you while still having the pleasures of someone to come home too. But honestly it doesn't sound like he's being too honest with you and that's a big red flag. Either do two things: date other guys casually too like he is ( think of the movie the break up) and see how fast his attitude will change (but that could turn ugly) or just break up with completely and move on and let him learn his mistake the hard way.But the most important thing you need to do is realize what you want and are willinng to tolerate...and talk to him to see if he is on the same page...that's probably the best solution...

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  • Even if he was completely honest from here on out it will be hard for you to forget and trust him again. Especially so early on...ask your self if being suspicious all the time worth the sacrifice.

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    • That's exactly my struggle. He"s been completely transparent now, but you're right. Would you stick around or move on?

    • Id leave him cause staying around would drive me nuts

  • ummm... dishonesty is something you should NEVER look past, and your gut feelings do not lie to you. the fact that you even felt you had to snoop, plus the fact that you found so much when you did snoop is ample proof to leave. don't walk, RUN away fom this guy. it sounds like this relationship will never be "loving and committed."

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  • never look past anyone's dishonesty. stop letting liars into your life. fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. once you know a person is dishonest, its foolish on your part to trust them. DUMP HIM

    just because a guy doesn't want to break up with you doesn't mean he's going to treat you as well as you deserve either. its like a spoiled child who has 500 toys in their room and never takes care of them. even though they don't take care of their toys and are destructive with them, if the parent picks even 1 of the toys up and says "we're giving this to charity" the child will get upset and beg that they should keep it. that's how your boyfriend is acting with you. he has always been dishonest, sneaky and disrespectful to your relationship bond so if you keep being with him he'll always be the same way. move on and dump him. show him you're not some silly little girl he can manipulate at will

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  • I think you need to confront him about this and figure out exactly why he's lying to you and what he's hiding. tell him what you know and ask him why he feels the need to not tell you the truth.

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    • When he came clean about the one relationship, he told me he didn't think I needed to know> I can understand that. I tried to get the rest of the truth out, but he didn't budge. About the other lies, I still don't know.

    • Show All
    • He doesn't know I snooped and I'm trying so hard not to admit it. Again, not proud! He's mentioned the idea of keeping things open by giving me his passwords to everything. Should I call his bluff? 'Cause it hasn't happened yet.

    • yes, but give him yours in exchange so it's more like a we have nothing to hide from each other instead of I can't trust you situation

  • you need to get over it because you weren't exclusive. and it's in the past. it's not like he's cheating now right?

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    • I'm more concerned about the lack of honesty that he is occurring in the present. That's what I'm having trouble getting over.

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