Looking at a divorce after 19 years.

OK, I have been in this marriage for 19 years. It all started when I quite drinking and trying to find out why I did drink. Well I have now been sober for 6 years and now my wife tells me that I have changed and does not think I love her anymore.. I do But it is in a different way. My question is can someone that has never been a drinker know what feelings the drinker feels after he has stopped?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The answer my friend is NO she will not understand at all... at least on an internal way of thinking...

    Congratulations on your sobriety. Six years is totally amazing, and not so easy especially in a relationship as your experiancing... As I would hope you know if your a friend of Bill and Bob they have this big blue book that is amazing. Suggested as in some chapters of the differances from an admitted alcoholic that we are wired differntly than the average person... with that conflict of understanding and emotional connection with others are far less understandable from the "normy" point of view...

    19 years of marriage and getting to a point of recovery is proof that some history has proven to be bumpy to say the least... turmoil, hurt feelings, and consequences have most definitely affected the both of you... she is sick as well... she may not be an alcoholic , but she still suffers from alcoholism as much as you do!

    a relationship and love does change and morphadite into other levels w/wo. drink!

    some people take other paths but if love and endurane and true commitment you could very well meet in the middle once again... You both need to get healthy and work on yourselves... There is hope and there is a solution to both of you...

    I would like to apoligise for labling you... although I feel a great deal of admiration for your sobriety... I myself have been sober for 7 years and I know what your going through and the path you traveled... your not alone !

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    • Thank you for your support. I had stopped in 95 but been total for about 6 years..

What Girls Said 2

  • I don't think anyone who has not had an addiction to alcohol, can fully understand how the alcoholic feels.

    Keep in mind that the alcoholic can not begin to understand how the spouse of an alcoholic feels either. It is very hard on them also, and it changes who they are.

    I think now that you have quit (congratulations to you, it's not easy to overcome), you should both be in counseling together, to learn how to deal with hurt feelings, resentments, and what ever else is an issue. There is a good chance that you both can recover, and learn to love again. If not, cut the cord. You may feed off each other in an unhealthy way. If this is the case, it's time to move on.

    Best of luck buddy and once again, congrats on your sobriety:)

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  • What does the drinking thing has to do with divorce?

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    • My drinking was covering up my past with growing up. My family life growing up was not healthy. Now I try to say wheat is on my mind and sometimes it dosen't come out the right way.. I do still go the consuling

What Guys Said 1

  • "My question is can someone that has never been a drinker know what feelings the drinker feels after he has stopped?"

    Perhaps if they were addicted to something else, they'd have an idea. But I'm curious why you think your sobriety has anything to do with why your wife thinks you don't love her.

    What are you doing different? Are you less amorous? I also think it's interesting that a non-drinker would prefer a drinker/alcoholic.

    Maybe it is codependency that she misses?

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    • Well now that I am sobor I am still dealing with the feelings of my past. (family issues) since then I have been going through a lot of think from my past. when we try to talk it ends up her telling me that I need to get over it and get back to the relationship. We try to talk but when we are it always ends up with my (past) feeling comming out and I do take some of it out on her. that is something that I need to work on. She says theat I don't touch her the same and so on.

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    • Your couples counselor should be facilitating communication. Both of you should be able to bring up issues you feel are important and the counselors job is to 'make' the other party confront the issue and work toward resolution. If your wife is telling you to 'get over it', she's not respecting the process. Maybe a different couples counselor is in order.

    • I do believe you are right. new one maybe the best.

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