Do you think "It's not all about looks" comments can actually be insulting?

I hear people toss that out all the time...I also hear people justify their relationships with people they're not attracted to with this comment. While I think these people think they're saying something noble, if I found out my boyfriend talked about me that way I would be extremely hurt.

I don't think I'm the most perfect girl in the world, but I want my boyfriend to think I am. I know not everyone thought my ex was perfect, but I did/still do think he was the hottest guy I'd ever seen. I think you owe it to the person your with to think the most of them.

So when I hear people say they're dating people they're not very attracted to physically because "it's not all about looks" it feels like you're jipping your significant other out of fuller, more well rounded relationship with someone else who might appreciate EVERY aspect of them.

How do you feel about this?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't like it when people say that. It's not all about the looks, but looks ARE involved, and if you're not attracted to me physically, then it's a problem.

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What Guys Said 7

  • We are often attracted by looks but it's also true when you meet a great person with a great personality, they begin to look better to you. I have said this before. I worked with a very homely girl who was determined not to lead a miserable life because of her looks. She out-dressed her feamle colleagues; wore makeup perfectly; always smiled; was extremely competent at her job -- management often asked for her opinion; offred to help others; was very self confident without being egotistical; was easy to approach; etc. As a result, she looked better than she looked. Everyone was happy to see her coming down the hall, especially the men.

    On a similar note, I dated (for a short while) a drop-dead-gorgeous girl who turned heads everywhere we went. Her personality as it turned out, sucked. 'nuff said.

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  • Well, first off, it isn't ALL about the looks, but that statement implies that it's also about the looks a little bit. I also feel that attraction takes into account the personality of a person and so to truly say your attracted to someone means that your taking into account physicality and personality. The passage of time will always change us physically as we get older and I think that if you truly love someone, then in your eyes, they will always be the most beautiful person in your world.

    You also have to think about context. Sometimes people will think that just because a person is "hot" then there is no intelligence. So saying it's not all about the looks can also be a way to say that a person can be smart and be hot at the same time.

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  • Then, you're just lying to yourself. Your ex boyfriend was not the hottest guy you've ever seen. It appears that you're putting a negative connotation to dating ugly people. There's nothing wrong with dating an ugly person. Not everyone is attractive, or they don't fit the typical beauty guidelines. There's a question on here that asks guys to describe the perfect woman. There are so many hot women. Does hair color really matter, or the right eye color?

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    • lol I love how you know who is and isn't the hottest guy I've ever seen. FYI he is. It's not about actually being the hottest girl in the world...it's that my partner should view that way. I don't want to be with anyone who's like "She's hideous as a dog, but I love her...cause it's not all about looks" ...you'll be hard pressed to find someone who is OK with that.

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    • It's about being realistic. To say that no one is as attractive as your boyfriend is just an ignorant statement. People will shoot for the stars, but they will settle for someone who is less attractive than they prefer. That's life; it happens.

    • I'm not saying no one is as attractive...attractiveness is relative. What I am saying is that no one is as attractive TO ME. In my eyes he is perfect...he may be so-so to someone else, but to me he is perfect. For the record...he did model so he is pretty attractive anyways.

  • no, so long as it's not in the context of saying "there is no physical attraction between us, but it's okay because it's not all about looks". that is insulting because you are saying your other half is physically unattractive, and no one wants there boyfriend/girlfriend to say or think that. however, saying "they might not be the most obviously pretty person I know, but I find them attractive, and anyway, it's not all about looks" isn't insulting. not to me anyway, a girl might think differently.

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  • Agree,generally.

    Now I don't need a partner to think I'm perfect, but I want them to feel excited about me, and I need to feel the same about them.

    I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about my body.

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  • its not at all insulting for some people like myself looks aren't that important and finding the perfect person is nearly impossible and therefore searching them is stupid and most people realize this they compromise. just because looks isn't the only they care about does not mean they care at all, your making assumptions. of course when some people say that's what they mean as a phrase but when its used properly (its actual meaning) it means what it means

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  • i agree that it can be insulting

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What Girls Said 7

  • I think what you're saying is:

    You believe that by saying you appreciate someones insides vs their outside that it somehow degrades them.

    That because you are with them, YOU should find your significant other PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE. That the fact that you love them somehow makes their partner more physically attractive

    Well the point is, most people having this conversation are having it with people outside of the relationship. So to them Jen is beautiful, but by the world's view, not so much. So they adjust their description of her to fit with the general concensus. This is something most people do subconsciously. Don't get into it too much. Everyday people shift their opinion to fit the status quo and usually no ones hurt by it. Jen probably knows that by the worlds standards, she's not attractive, so it doesn't matter to her. What matters is that her boyfriend loves her unconditionally

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  • I get what you're saying. When people ask my boyfriend why he's with me his go-to answer is "It's not all about looks, she's actually nice and funny." I mean, I'm glad I have someone who loves me, but I also wish he thought I was attractive (he has admitted to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive).

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  • For me personally, finding a mate or a significant partner isn't all about looks. Yea, it may sound cliche, but looks aren't at the top of the list when looking for a partner, at least for me. You can be the hottest guy in the world, but if you have a bad attitude and a stank personality, those two things can definitely kick that out the door real fast. Yes, being physically attractive is a bonus, but you know what, how many times have you heard people fall in love with someone they weren't attracted to but over time, the chemistry, the personality, everything just clicked and maybe that's what they found attractive about that person. Attractiveness doesn't always consist of looks. It can be mental too. For me, when I say it's not all about looks, I don't use it in a negative context, it just means I have an open mind. So if it comes a time where I meet a guy and I don't think he's all that attractive, I'll give him a chance. You know why? Because I'm pretty sure there may be some good qualities about him that I may like or find attractive. But, I don't even have to worry about that, knowing that I find pretty much everyone attractive lol

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  • Yeah I agree , its like if my partner said that , I would be like " its not all about looks yes , but you do like my looks , right ?"

    So I get what you're saying

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  • I agree with you.

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  • Yes comments about looks is always going to offend somebody.

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  • People jsit want to be accepted to take their own words in..idk personally that by I never live by one motto because this world had many turns.

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