What do men *really* think about unfixable body flaws and why is it "not a big deal"?

Hi. I've had 3 kids and now have stretched tummy skin which makes me feel very insecure whenever I'm naked and I'm wondering what men think of this type of unfixable flaw? It's not like I have 5k to drop on surgery to fix it. I'm 37 years old and have had this issue since I was 18. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.

Can any guys give me some insight on what you HONESTLY think about women with flaws of this nature and how I can look at it differently to feel better about my body? It may sound crazy at my age but I'll be real right now, I do worry about my guy (and any guy I've been with through my life) about him being tempted to be with another girl because of my serious flaw. I don't even like to look at my tummy so I know no man does either.

Most have been kind and have said it's not important but there have been a couple who told me how repulsive it is (and yes, they were abusive but they were brutally honest as well so it stuck with me). And you won't find any photos online being referred to as "sexy" with a tummy like mine. So it's not attractive. That's not my question. I just wanna know I guess how much it really matters to a guy's attraction to a girl? Is there something he's not telling me? If so, is there another way I can look at this?

Thanks in advance


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's how *I* see it. They aren't flaws. We're just conditioned to think they are because of beauty ideals and an industry that makes billions of dollars off of "fixing" how we naturally look.

    But I guess you already believe that there's no way in hell that it can be attractive, so here's the other factor: If I'm crazy about a girl, I become physically attracted to every bit of her, even the things I might not usually be attracted to. That's certainly not how attraction works for ALL guys, but that's how it is for me. For example, I used to be repulsed by leg hair on girls, and then turns out, my girlfriend doesn't shave her legs. Now I love those damn fuzzy things. It's kind of an affection thing. And it definitely never made me want someone else.

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    • I SO agree with you. We *are* conditioned to see a certain way. It's always been that way to one degree or another. I just want to get to a place in my own head where it doesn't matter what the societal standard may be, I'll not be affected negatively regardless.

      And as far as the attraction issue goes, I agree here as well. I've overlooked tons of "flaws" in guys. But I've known far to many guys who've made it clear they are tempted by others due to imperfections. It lingers.

    • Yeah I definitely understand how it's hard to "unlearn" things you take in from both the media and certain guys. My girlfriend talks a lot about body image and how it literally took her 3 years of actively trying to change her thought processes to detach herself from toxic sh*t like that. It seems like she has self-esteem that's completely independent of what other people think of her looks. I don't know the secret but I think it's awesome :P I hope you can get there.

    • I appreciate that :)

      For the most part, at this age, I do have that independent way of seeing things. But when it comes to the area I've been most deeply wounded (sexually), I guess this effect is really a result of something deeper going on that I've not fully dealt with. One can only cease to acknowledge something and move forward for so long without dealing with it before it rears its head once again to remind you it needs to be addressed. I'm trying to deal with it now but it's hard.

What Guys Said 2

  • It depends on the guy, but if he really loves you, he'll love you for who you are, not what you are.

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    • But it's a natural thing for the eye to be drawn to "perfection" and to prefer that form. That's where my insecurity gets reinforced. I see what they see and I prefer what they prefer. I don't often get any encouraging remarks about how the guys' *character* doesn't allow them to be tempted. Commitment. Self-restraint. I don't see much that demonstrates that those things take precedence over physical attraction for guys when it comes to who they have sex with.

  • if they like her, they just look past it.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Most people have flaws, and almost everyone has insecurities. Think of it this way, the guys you date probably have flaws or at least insecurities, as well.

    Maybe you see other hot guys, and think they are hot, but you don't necessarily want to cheat.

    Also, maybe you see a flaw on a guy you like, but if you really like him, you don't care. If you're not that into him, then it may bug you.

    Yeah, guys are different than women, but a lot of them are a lot the same. If a guy doesn't like you because of a flaw, he's not right for you. There are plenty of guys out there who are much more concerned about your face, other nice physical traits you may have, your personality, compatibility, and things like that.

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    • What you've said is true no doubt. I know the real issue is how I view myself, not how guys look at me. I just don't know really how guys look at me if that makes sense. My mind always thinks they ones who say "it's not important" are just being nice.

      But having physical flaws does make for a nice man-screening tool for sure ;)

  • Thinking this way and disliking your battle scars so much actually invites a**holes into your life, why would you want to tolerate that especially since your body has done what it was for - carrying and birthing children. If you really want to dig yourself a bigger hole, then honestly your "serious flaw" IS fixable, but involves spending thousands and mutilating yourself to please a seriously flawed section of society. The others are right, anyone that loves you will love your loose, saggy bits too - it comes to us all.

    We're only in our 20's once and it'll all go south in no time at all, thankfully we grow up and realize there are far more important things than looks and getting other peoples' approval.

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    • I've realized this too that what I expect to come along generally does. Don't get me wrong, when I got so tired of it that I demanded silently that I meet good men who didn't care about that stuff, I found them. But I've yet to find one who isn't married or has some other negative trait I can't tolerate (like ethical issues).

      I dunno. Maybe I want it too much. Maybe if I stop wanting the perfect situation to come up, it'll show up. Trusting that possibility to belong to me is my problem.

    • Lol, you know what they say: stop looking + it'll fall in to your lap. I've long though the sexiest thing on a woman is her confidence + self-acceptance. I guarantee u, I'm not remotely beautiful in the conventional way or thin (even before pregnancy) but liking myself + promoting my good bits has pulled me through and it is all self-taught and sought. Love yourself and do not let any man drag you down - waste time looking back on your ex's own insecurities that you've ended up making them yours x

  • I think its pathetic for a guy for being turned off from his wife or girlfriend's body after what she goes through to have his kid.

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    • I totally agree. Especially after witnessing the whole process.That's why I divorced that a**hole. But the damage he did to my self-esteem still lingers. And now the guy I'm seeing has to deal with my insecurity. Men don't have to go through the same things and I don't think they really understand how hurtful it is to a woman to be told that kind of stuff.

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