I don’t understand how men can say “Looks don’t matter as much down the road, but they definitely matter at first. There has to be attraction.” So, let me get this straight...you see a gorgeous girl with a terrific personality, and an ugly girl with an even better personality, but you choose the gorgeous girl. You get to know the gorgeous girl, and realize she’s awesome, but not as awesome as the ugly girl. So, you marry her, because she’s hot. You fall in love, you have a couple of kids, she gets saggy boobs, stretch marks, her face becomes riddled with wrinkles, her hair turns gray and starts to fall out, but you don’t care, because you love her. Yet, for some bizarre unknown reason, you’re incapable of overlooking the ugly woman’s flaws the same way you overlooked the pretty woman’s flaws. Makes. No. Sense. Can someone please explain this?
A few people seem to have misunderstood my question. So, I'm going to try to clarify: I'm asking why, if a guy can overlook his wife's flaws, because he loves her, then why can't a guy have overlooked the flaws of a woman who was less attractive, but infinitely better for him? Do men only develop love for attractive women? Why couldn't the guy have developed these "rose colored glasses" for the ugly girl?
The above was just a generic scenario--not a real situation. I've just read multiple posts on other sites where the men say "Looks are only important at first, but once you're in love, they matter less." I just don't understand why men can apply rose colored glasses after marriage, but can't seem to apply them before. Especially when they could have married an incredibly awesome woman who was perfect for them in every way--only she's ugly.
it's like having an ugly car that gives you 55 mpg v. a ferrari that gives you 40 mpg, you would sacrifice that 15 mpg for a sexy car, right? So attraction is kind of like the same thing (this mainly applies to an attractive person going for an "unattrative" person.
I'm answering again instead of writing a bunch of comments.
On the one hand, overlooking these flaws is something that happened over time. As the relationship developed and grew, you become able to overlook certain little things.
I think the main idea behind this is that a girl might leave a very good impression on you, but it takes time to develop the love and relationship described in the husband and wife scenario. Meeting someone and clicking with them is different than being in love with them. If I met someone who personality wise was perfect for me, but I just wasn't attracted to her, I'd be more likely to become just friends with her.
Later in life, even if I'm noticing looks are deteriorating, I still have all the feelings for her, and small flaws developing are not going to destroy that. In the beginning I don't have those feelings for her, I might think she's nice and that a friendship could develop from it.
When comparing a nice girl with amazing looks, to a nice looking girl with an amazing personality, there's also the uncertainty. Most guys don't get into a Betty and Veronica scenario so we're still only going on first impressions.
Looks are what get our attention, personality is what keeps us.
Now in your scenario, you're talking about a woman whom we've shared a lifetime with. Yes we overlook these flaws because we love her. This other girl might now have the same flaws, but it doesn't matter because she's just one other girl.
This is like asking why every guy who's with the same woman long enough for age to catch up with her, doesn't leave her for someone else. OK yes some guys do, but do you honestly not see how a relationship of that kind will help you overlook her flaws, not the flaws of all women.
Have you not heard of the idea that when old couples look into each others eyes they can still see them back when they first met.
Looks are usually how things start. But those are just looks. They are only really valued when they belong to someone dear to you. A good example would be a certain bikini being way more attractive on a gf than on a bikini model because it's the gf who is wearing it.
It's because, as humans, people (men moreso) are wired to want to get to know a person they're most attracted to. It is because of this (and I'm there as well), that men don't give the "ugly" (attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder... that's a different talk entirely) gal a chance. It is what it is.
There's a lot of generalizations in your scenario, but there are TONS of exceptions (which I heartily endorse). My opinion? There must be some form of attraction. The first week. A year from now. 50 years from now. And how that attraction manifests? Will probably be different then, as opposed to now.
There isn't a system to work around the physical attraction thing, and that's the BEAUTIFUL part of it. It just happens. It always does.
You know absolutely NOTHING about the personality of someone you see the first time, that's why during the beginning looks only matter.
Only later you see whether her personality is good or not and act accordingly.
the reason why he overlook it then is because he know what kind of stuff you women pull. He don't want to start all over (its cheaper to keep her) meaning that old bag he's with. Starting over is a hassle you have to learn all over again. After a certain age you don't want to start over with the headache again. You get comfortable and learn how to make it work for you.
women do the same thing as well! but I need to know more details to give better feedback.
Just reverse the situation and you'll understand why. Lets say you meet this guy: link and he's got a good personality but then you meet guy 2 link who has an awesome personality, he's fun and a good dancer too. Are you really telling me you'd rather be with guy 2?
Its just not human nature to overlook someone's looks completely. Even in the animal kingdom, there is physical attraction (whether its the colors in their feathers, the dance the animal performs, their song, etc).
What you are asking people to do is to date purely off of personality alone. This however, contradicts biology. We are biologically programmed to have a desire to breed and procreate with particular people. Granted, the attractions very person to person, but there is a biological reason why we lean towards particular traits.
Well you can't exactly SEE someone's personality. These guys are saying it matters at FIRST, but if the hot girl ends up having a worse personality, they're going to weigh that if they're thinking about a relationship. I think they're saying that looks can motivate them to get to know a girl in the first place :P Kind of shallow but it's just how it is.
Attraction doesn't work the same exact way for everybody, though.
Well you are assuming the guy knows both girls' personalities before deciding who to pursue. That is not realistic at all. If a guy sees an "ugly" girl and an "attractive" girl then he is most likely going to try and get to know the more attractive girl. If she has a pretty awesome personality he will stick with her, and if not that will most likely be the end of it. If he does end up with the "atttractive" girl with an awesome personality he will never know that he passed up the girl with an even better personality...
from what I understand, physical attractiveness is the most basic form of discriminating between viable and non-viable partners. you have to meet the basic requirements before further inquiry into your personality. sounds kind of harsh, but there's some positives. you can't really gauge someone's personality just by looking at them. you have to spend time to really get a sense of who they are. that's just overwhelming, way too many people in the world. so finding someone you're first physically attracted to narrows down the pool of people that you can learn more about.