No Spark, feel helpless with it. Thoughts?

Seems like such a simple predicament really...I had been seeing this girl for probably about 4 months. The first month or so that we had been hanging out she was a lot more proactive about seeing me, talking to me, and so on, and so that gave me the sense that things were progressing and any other situations I might have or girls I had been entertaining, I should cut off. I said to her one day casually that I'm into this situation and I'm not really talking to or seeing anyone else at this point...that apparently was the wrong move because she flipped the script on me and told me she wasn't looking for anything serious but did like me and hanging out me. So since that point we did our best to understand it was fun and was what it was, but the difference is we still spoke every day, hung out once or twice per week at least, and had a consistent behavior or relationship - it wasn't that casual. Even though she did insist the whole time that she didn't want a relationship, it still went on and we got intimate and so that always complicates things. This has gone on and recently the discussions about how she doesn't want to hurt me because she feels like she cares and she shouldn't because she doesn't want to be with me (bs), have come up more and more. If I genuinely felt like she wasn't interested or she showed to me that she wasn't interested then I wouldn't continue to pursue it, but our physical attractiveness to each other is definitely there, our interactions when out together appear as if something is going on, and we enjoy each other alot. Now I admit I probably do care more than her and probably initiate more between us than her, but she still entertained it. Obviously it takes a lot more to have a connection with someone than good sex and enjoying each others company, and I know I can't make her feel something if she doesn't. But she keeps talking about a spark, and how she's been having this dilemma with anyone she dates now, that she's looking for something some sort of spark, and she isn't finding it. She said she's had one serious boyfriend (24 years old) and has dated a bunch. I'm real torn as to what to do, even though I really ultimately can't do anything or control anything, but I can't help but be stubborn. She likes me, says there's a connection, but says the spark is missing.

Updates:
She admitted that she's had this type of thing going on for the last year or so where she finds herself I this situation. What makes me not totally leave Is the fact that she has shown the small things that show she might care more than she leads on, she's interested in what I'm doing who I'm with what my whereabouts are, my day, feelings, and just small things. Her story went from not wanting a relationship to not finding what she's looking for. I'm not trying to have false hopes but

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It sounds like she likes you, but not enough for commitment. It's hard telling why she feels this way. It may be that she doesn't see the two of you as compatible for some reason or that she is still hung up on her one boyfriend or that she has personal issues with commitment. At this point, any more pain you give yourself will be on your own responsibility. Is it worth it? Will it make you bitter and angry if you keep investing yourself in this relationship? Will it keep you from meeting a girl you can be with? Etc.

    My advice, honestly, is to walk away and do you own thing. Tell her what you want and if she doesn't come around, she was only going to hurt you. I know how hard it is -- I've had very similar experiences. But you can't tie yourself up with one girl who is only going to hurt your chances of being fulfilled in the long run.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Basically this girl likes you as a friend (and if you're having sex, then you're just friends with benefits). It's easy to have sexual chemistry with someone but not the other stuff that a true romantic relationship requires.

    At this point you just need to ask yourself what you want. Do you want to just be friends with her or do you want more? If you desire the latter then you're doing yourself a disservice by continuing to hang out with her, because you will always want more than what she's giving you. This isn't her fault. It's yours because you keep putting yourself in this situation.

    I know it's rough, I've been there too (more than once, unfortunately). But once you've been friend-zoned, there's no getting out of it.

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  • If she says she doesn't want something serious then a serious relationship with her probably isn't going to happen. If you feel comfortable not being committed then you should just have fun. But if you really want something more and the situation is bothering you you should let it go and find someone else. Good luck!

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  • she likes you but is afraid of commitment I think

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    • she also sounds like a difficult person who is hard to please

  • I'm a a lot like this girl.. she's still probably trying find someone like her first serious boyfriend. It happens. She's still compairing you to what she had. She's looking for the same "spark" that she felt the first time she loved someone. If you want things to work..the best thing to do is just spend time with her. Don't make her feel pressured. Let her come to you...but still show her your intrested. Your in a tough spot, but you seem like a really good guy. I wouldn't give up on her totally if you like her..but try not to get too involed emotionally with her just in case. She may still hold true to not wanting anything serious. I'm sure she's interested and really does like you, but scared of being in a commited relationship. Just go slow with her. Spend time with her. Treat her nice.

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