I feel so different than everyone and disconnected. Thoughts?

I realized today looking at another guys Facebook photos named Jens... Like mine, John... I looked at his photos and saw him in clubs, on beaches, paddling in sunsets in because with his board. All his friends.

I was raised to look up and I wanted to become my dad. My dad was stunning handsome, driven, successful, social and brave and intelligent. I thought I would've already become my dad. But my dad escaped from Europe to Canada right after WW2 ended and carried along a lot of anger. I was raised by 2 parents who were so angry and emotionally out of control. They were so emotionally abusive and hard on me they completely destroyed my identity. I can still remember sitting idle on the sofa watching power rangers and having what felt really like a heart attack from the stress. I had night terrors every night. I was frightened, etc etc.. It was severe emotional abuse.

Jens had a girlfriend who rented here at my house. He's a very good looking guy - just like me & his girlfriend was extremely beautiful. I didn't really know what their status at the time was. I think it was dying down. She seemed to express interest in me but I would never initiate a convo.

I have the look and the "swag". I'm a very intelligent good person. But the abuse changed me. It completely changed me. I still have swag but when I look at others. They are so different than me. When I look at someone - I feel nothing. Nothing. No hard feelings towards them - all I feel is coldness. My personality is so different. They are so open. Even the shy people are so open and I am so closed off. I am not aloof just unmoving and cold. I've spent about 8 years all alone. For those 7 years I spent my time self-medicating in the dark. Unable to connect with people due to my fear of them and deep suspicion I can't get out of my body. Almost all my friendships pre-7 years were abusive. I've only known abusive relationships. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just am so different than everyone. Woman and people in general are always trying to get my attention, but I'm apprehensive and cold and aggressive - these feelings - don't leave. It feels like so much has happened to me that all these hundreds of people never had to go through. Just maybe some, but I don't think as severe as me. These people are living life!... I don't know what to say!... I'm just so different! I am so different than them... I'm so cold and they're so warm.


What Girls Said 1

  • I can't quite relate, but sort of understand. I never went through that kind of abuse from my parents. My parents are actually the opposite - they have always been (especially my dad) very VERY hard on me, but it was always for my benefit. My dad would constantly impress upon me that I wasn't good enough, and that I was competing against the whole world to get a job. He trained me to be a scientist and discerning critical thinker from an early age, and he taught me to win in almost every kind of scientific arena. But no matter how much I won, he pointed out all the things I did wrong, how I could have done things better, how I really deserved a C on some project - even though I got an A+, and made me remember that he was helping me with everything and I probably wouldn't have won anything on my own.

    Without him, I would not have the opportunities or think as well as I do today. His teaching gave me incredible advantages over my less motivated peers. It also made me very insecure. I was terribly afraid of being arrogant, so I let people walk all over me, and loved when they noted how humble I seemed. I was very shy, afraid of people, but in some ways felt like I was better than them so I wouldn't feel so afraid.

    Then one day, I liked a guy. He was valedictorian, aspiring CEO of some fortune 500 company, and his dad was helping him, like my dad helped me. He was a monstrous flirt, and not understanding that someone could be capable of merely flirting without liking. I fell for him and felt angry and hurt that he flirted but ignored me for a year...until I told him that I liked him. He didn't like me back, and I was polite about it for 3 months. After stewing for those 3 months and going crazy, I finally had enough of his (continued) flirting and ignoring me: I lost my cool, got mad and sent him a bunch of mean emails. Long story short, we are no longer friends.

    This whole experience taught me that people don't belong on pedestals. I ceased to care much at all about anything. Not out of malice, or lack of love, but if I were honest: I would genuinely be just fine if my boyfriend (he's perfect and we've been together 3 years) broke up with me...or if my best girlfriend didn't want to be friends anymore...or if people just stopped talking to me in general. I feel cold. When my grandmother that I loved dearly died - I faked tears on her death bed, because I could not feel a thing and was embarrassed that I couldn't. I go out of my way to be kind to people, to talk to them, listen to their problems...but I am very good at it, because I feel nothing. I don't care if they care about me or not. I talk to them, merely as a game to figure out how quickly and how much I can make people like me...simply because life is easier when people like you.

    Other people may be warmer, but there is nothing wrong with being cold, so long as you make a conscious effort to be kind and gentle to those who feel pain.

    • Thanks, I also value my parents, even though they didn't know everything. It feels good to know that someone understand how I feel. My parents have given me so much (in material things) but in a different way than most people... I've grown much stronger recently - I have a hold on myself and my emotions and I'm beginning to manage my interactions with my parents. ... I also faked tears at my grandmothers funeral. The end of the last two of your paragraphs is something I'll seriously think about.

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