How do I become more assertive, aggressive, and confident without becoming a jerk?

Because of my young and innocent looks people always assume I am innocent and nice. This is fine when you are a kid but I'm 21 and need people to stop seeing me in this way. I am 6'2 and skinny and I have a nice complexion and overall I am told I am attractive. My personality is happy, outgoing, and optimistic. I never raise my voice to anybody and I try to avoid confrontation. I always look for compromise which I always think is the fairest way to make a decision but people seem to think this is a weakness. What are some ways I can become more assertive, aggressive, and confident without being a jerk so people will see me as an alpha male?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm kind of the same way. I've always been cheery, optimistic, and bubbly, but in high school I was pretty timid and a total follower. But since I went to college, I've become much more confident and a more natural leader. My high school friends are having trouble adjusting to the change, though, and continue to see me as helpless even though I've changed. However, everyone new I meet picks up on my confidence right away.

    The best thing you can do is just gain some confidence. Practice being a leader (in my case, being a leader meant befriending people who were clearly less confident than I was, haha) and the more you practice, the more natural it will come to you. When you do become confident, people will be able to tell. Golden rule: if you have to tell people that you're an alpha, then you're not an alpha.

    Also, I don't believe it's your tendency to look for compromise that people see as a weakness. It's your tendency to look for others' approval in the things that you do. When you're an alpha, you do what you want and you don't really care what others' opinions of it are. I've seen an alpha male openly admit to liking the show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. He wasn't ashamed of it, he backed it up with the reasons he liked it, and that's exactly the kind of confidence that people are drawn to. I should add that this isn't a particularly buff or masculine alpha; he's a skinny nerd guy. Just goes to show that appearance has nothing to do with attitude. :)

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What Girls Said 2

  • Being an "alpha male" is overrated. I never look at a guy and think "wow, he's clearly an alpha male, I simply MUST have him right this second!"

    When I think of "alpha males", I think of stuck up gym rats who do nothing but brag about themselves and their abilities, and they also try to boss people around without any real reason. This alpha nonsense just makes me want to puke. Don't be one of those guys, please. You sound completely fine the way you are right now. Since you're outgoing, it seems like you have a bit of confidence already. Keep it up. Otherwise I just don't understand why you'd want to change so much? What's so bad about having people think you're nice?

    Being "alpha" is kind of like being skinny, for girls. Girls think all guys want skinny chicks and that they won't accept anyone who weighs more than 110 lbs, when in reality guys like girls who come in every shape and size (mostly, at least within a healthy range). Girls compete among each other on who's the skinniest, thinnest, "best looking" or whatever, kinda like guys compete about being alphas. In reality, NOBODY CAAARES.

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  • It seems to me only like 1% of men on this planet have that ability

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    • All able bodied men have the ability. The problem is whether or not they chose to recognize it.

What Guys Said 9

  • while I agree that part of it is "not worrying about COMMING ACROSS as a jerk" (actually some say not to care about BEING a jerk, I actually do CARE if I am, but I do not care if I SEEM to be when I am really not), I think, a kind of easy way to develope those trait you look for without risking (too much) falling into the jerk side is SERIOULY practicing an sport.

    I can not stress more the "seriously" part, since a lot of guys actually get the most of their inner jerk while in a sports field, that is why I do not say "play basketball with your mates on Saturdays", but REALLY getting into it, formally, practice, competition, stuff like that, you do not have to join a football team, no, but really see it as a discipline more than a "game".

    I believe this helps becaue, sports are often competitive and even confrontational, but if you just randomly play with guys that are also just in it for the fun, it becomes a "macho" colisseum with often just guys trying to outjerk each other, but really in sports you learn the real value of competition, of going "for it", standing up for yourself (and your people maybe) and loose fear of comfrontation (if you have it), and you get the "feeling" of when to confront and when to avoid confrontation, and if you do it SERIOUSLY you are "fighting" in the field but without "playing dirty", you get good at being RESPONSIBLE and HONORABLE while at the same time being DOMINANT and smart about it.

    I am like you, VERY peacefull, my dad is kind of violent even and always thought of my character as "weak" when I was growing up, but I was nver weak, when something REALLY mathers I am the bravest guy out there, but few things mather that much to me, but still, is good to CONVEY it too, and maybe that is what I was failing at.

    you have biology on your side, I am on the short side of average and skinny, so people used to "overlook" me a little, but it was a mather of projecting your self confidence, letting it SHOW. I never did play sports as a kid (I was pretty much a nerd) only when I got 15 I started playing football, got beated up a lot :P but while bruising my body, it also boosted my confidence which I already had but proving yourself to you, and o others gets you respect (from other and from yourself), and you know more of what you can or are willing to do in a little more "extreme"situations,

    no football anymore but practice boxing and some martial arts, nothing too "olympic" sure, but take it seriously and it SHOWS, I am basically the same as always but is different, you see you may KNOW that if you are peacefull is your CHOICE, but a lot people seem to feel a vibe of "I am passive because I can not be assertive", and see "peacefull" and "passive" are SO not the same thing, but sometimes those are easy to have mistaken for each other, and it is very different if you keep up being peacefull but you are absolutely SURE (to the point that it shows on your face) that you can be TOUGH if you want and you so KNOW IT

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  • Happy, outgoing and optimistic are good qualities and are what help you from being a jerk. Basically just don't be a pushover. Do the things YOU want to do sometimes. When asked what should we eat/do/ect always have an answer. It doesn't matter if you don't care or not. Throw something out there. Be open and confident about your preferences, hobbies, and things you like. Let your boundaries be known and let people know when they've crossed them. Doing these things doesn't make you a jerk. It shows confidence and assertiveness. Compromise is what keeps you from being a jerk. Being afraid to put yourself out there at all is what makes you look passive and low self esteemed.

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  • Sometimes, people will see you as a jerk if you become more confident and assertive. The wonderful catch 22 is--if you're confident and assertive enough to be alpha, when people see you as a jerk (and they will) you'll be confident enough that you'll shrug it off, and two minutes later you'll be on something else.

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  • easy... be more assertive, aggressive, and confident w/o being a jerk. It's not rocket science. You answered your own question. Assertiveness/aggression/confidence are not mutually inclusive with being a jerk.

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  • Do nothing. The more confident you are in how you do things and the more you do things your way without waivering the more people will come to respect it as "who you are". You're asking how to become something that you cannot "become".

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  • I would read and listen to David Wygant

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  • To make it short and sweet: Just DonĀ“t worry.

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  • True confidence entails not giving a damn if you're a jerk. I'm pretty sure that says something about me but whatever I'm jerk so I don't give a fuck haha

    But seriously, coming from a guy who is all of those things, they all go hand-in-hand.

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  • The key...stop trying not to be a jerk. Stop listening to what women say they want. They will only mislead you and end up going for some other a**hole.

    link

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