His Style Communication a Defense Mechanism? I'm confused.

Hi. Three weeks ago I recently started seeing someone that I haven't seen in 22 years (went to our proms together/dated for 1 1/2 years 22 years ago).

Ok, so here we are at age 40. We've gone out on five dates in the past three weeks. And we've been intimate (as we had 22 years ago). :) So this is a pretty cool re-connection for us!

We are different in some major ways...

I am very creative and expressive and I love spontaneity, and he is very conservative and rigid about his time, work, and obligations to family and friends. (Mars and Venus). As a free spirited person, I rarely feel obligated to anyone in my life (tho I do lots of nice things for people every day)... Yet, he feels obligated to a lot of people (and does lots of nice things for people too).

But we both like each other, and we both have dry humor, which is great. Other than that, we don't have a TON in common (especially our NOT our STYLE of communication - I express myself well. He isn't great at expression).

He asked me tonight in a text, "Should we have dinner tomorrow?" I'm wondering why he used the word "Should" (or am I over analyzing this stuff too much?). Most of my previous dates would say, "Are you available for dinner tomorrow?" or "Would you like to go out to eat".

I don't know why, but the "should" part throws me off. Feels like he's asking ME to decide (rather than just saying I'd like to ask you out to dinner). Maybe he fears rejection, so he places responsibility on me to decide? Or maybe that's just him being considerate. Or perhaps he used the word "should" and didn't even realize it. I dunno.

On other occasions, he's not been so graceful with expression (and he realizes it too... He has said, "People have called me an a@@hole").

He also said that if I want to get to know him better, there's this book on Wisdom & Values that I "Need to read". And because he knows that he isn't a particularly articulate or expressive communicator, he said, "This book can probably articulate my personal and professional and social values better than I can".

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely into getting to know him better (I like him a lot, and we have a very strong attraction to one another as well). And because I DO want to know him better, I WILL read the book. Plus, I am very interested in learning about values and gaining wisdom.

But... Just a question to all of you... Don't most people get to know other people by "being" with them (as opposed to "reading" a book that will give insight into someone)? I mean, I've never been asked to read a book in order to get to know someone.

Maybe I'm just being over-analytical and parsing words. I don't know. My friends tell me to chill and just be simple, and not over think stuff so much. They tell me I over analyze, and that I should relax and just accept the dinner invite, and take it for what it is - - a nice invite for dinner from someone who digs me.

What do all of you think?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Go for the dinner invite and take an extra sip of "calm down" juice while you're at it. Focus on having fun and being a tad silly. I hope you do not continue to hear references to publications as a source from which to plumb new wisdom that your buddy cannot himself articulate. Use this summit meeting to challenge your buddy to share his insights. He seems like a good man, but his lack of strong verbal alacrity appears to concern you. I can see where this issue may give you pause. This can seem like nitpicking at first, but if your Martian can't elaborate ideas in a complex and compelling fashion, you start to wonder what's holding him back. Is he missing the brain juice, or does he still feel awkward sharing vulnerable insights?

    Get a couple drinks in him and see what happens. Your pal may just be a bit nervous and cautious at the moment. That alone can make you sound like a knucklehead when trying to impress a desirable partner. Stay loose, don't think, and focus on "being" with your friend. He may sharpen up after learning to relax a bit more around you.


What Guys Said 0

The only opinion from guys was selected the Most Helpful Opinion!

What Girls Said 1

  • well my current boyfriend sounds a bit like your man. Let him set his own pace, don't pressure him, either he will open up like a flower or he never will.