My boyfriend has no motivation?!

I've been dating this guy for 8 months now, and everyone in my family likes him except my mom. He used to be into drugs and partying until we met, he stopped everything. He had some pictures on his instagram that my mom saw and she got very upset, but let it slide. I like him, but he doesn't take care of himself. I am someone that takes pride in how they look. As shallow as that sounds, I can;t look amazing and have my boyfriend dress in sweats and a dirty t-shirt from the night before. I have talked to him and bought him clothes, but he just gets mad and says he hates the clothes and to leave him alone. He weighs 350 pounds, I've been trying to go to the gym with him, but he says he doesn't like the gym and he hates working out that he's happy with the way he looks.. yet he always complains about it. I really wanted to help him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person. He doesn't have a job, I pay for everything, he goes to school at night so he wakes up at 2:30 and that irritates me SO much, because he can wake up early and go workout with me or get his day started earlier. I have talked to him about this.. It always ends in a fight. I am tired of having to put up with that, I am in medical school and I don't wanna work to pay someone else's expenses my whole life. I'm very irritated by this, I already broke up with him once and he said he was gonna change but not to nag him, this was 2 months ago and there still is no change. He made me feel AWEFUL for doing it.. I don't know what I should do..please help


Most Helpful Guy

  • I've been on both sides of that fence and the one thing I've learned is that we can't change the person we're in a relationship with unless they want to change.

    It's really that simple. If he doesn't want to change and if you are unhappy with him then it's time to end things.


What Guys Said 3

  • I've noticed that women have a terrible tendency to see man as his "possible future self" instead of his "actual current self."

    This is a shame because it causes you to stick with a guy for much longer than you need to when inevitably you'll either sink to his emotional/social/physical level, or you break up.

    If your man hasn't become motivated to better himself, even if only for your benefit, within the first few months of dating, then he never will.


    It's not your responsibility to carry your boyfriend like an anchor waiting to sink you. Even if you've been together for weeks, or years. His life projection is HIS responsibility.

    Where you're going in life, and your happiness, is YOUR responsibility.

    Being his mom will not make a happy relationship and it won't fix how you're feeling.

    Best of luck moving forward!

    ~ Robby

  • sounds to me like he's just lazy. it's his nature. I don't really think there is a ton you can do about it except decide whether or not you can see yourself with him in the future and make a decision based on that.

    people can ONLY change if they want to change, there simply isn't anything you can do if he is not open to and willing to do it.

  • He sounds like a manipulator '' He made me feel AWEFUL for doing it.'' Someone like that will only drag you down with them.


What Girls Said 2

  • A few phrases for you

    1. You can't make a zebra change his stripes.

    2. You can drag a horse to the water but you can't make him drink.

    3. As a man thinketh so shall he be.

    Now, maybe the fact that you want him to change so much makes him wonder if you even love him as he is. Maybe you tell him so often about what's wrong with him that he has just taken to thinking that he can never change and he is just a failure. This situation is two things; a test of patience and a test of love. Ask your self. If you knew 100% that he would stay the way he is now forever, would you be with him? You see, he probably has had a lot of issues in the past with his weight and his image. You being the person he's interested in and having problems with his image too probably makes him more embarrassed than you know. Then he takes up his I don't care and I don't want to change persona to try and make himself feel better. The only way for him to change is he needs to see the problem and admit that he wants help and that he needs help. Only people who want help and see the problem can be changed.

    At the same time, there is only so much you can do. There is only a chance he would change, it is not guaranteed. So you need to know whether you can live with him as he is now or not. The change would take time, so you need to know if you are willing to invest any more time into his changing. Now this is what I think you should do if you are willing. Sit and have a chat with him. But you need to keep your temper in check and every time he gets on the defensive remember this is because he wants the help all the more. Start by saying you want to talk to him. Make sure the TV and radio and every other distraction is off. Speak to him about his weight from a health perspective. Tell him how you feel about him and tell him the real reason you keep nagging him about the gym is because you are afraid of anything bad happening to him. Explain that you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he ended up in the hospital or worse dead from something health related when you know you go to the gym and you could have helped but didn't. Tell him when ever he says he doesn't care about himself it makes you feel like he doesn't care about you either because how can he love another person when he doesn't even love himself? Tell him you wonder if he even thinks of spending his life with you because in your mind, if he did he would want to live and not commit suicide which is what he is basically doing by not caring. Make him understand that caring about himself = caring about you. Tell him the reason you buy him clothes is not just because you care about looks, but because you do it hoping that he and the people around him would see himself as wonderful as the way you see him. Tell him the reason you support him is so he can see that you will do whatever it takes, but you can't do it alone, that you need his help so you guys can prosper together. And be sure to say this in the softest tone ok

    • And give him two weeks/ a month after this. In that time say NOTHING about it again, except to offer him to go to the gym... Ask don't demand. Or ask him to go for a walk with you in th park. Maybe he hates the pressure of all the gym people in better shape than him. If he keeps refusing and has the same exact attitude, he's not worth it... Move on. If you break up and he wants to get back together, tell him he has to begin to prove he is serious before you give him the chance again.

  • So, what is it that you DO like about him? Sounds like you could be doing much better for yourself. People don't change for other people, they only change when they, themselves, want to change. He isn't changing until he loses enough to feel the need to get his life in order. That will probably be when you actually leave him. Not right away, but sometime afterward, when he's really figured out he can't have you back. I went through this with two of my exes.