The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy

Anonymous

Do guys like chasing girls or do they like the girl to make the first move? I've seen a few variations on this one and I've developed a theory about it that perhaps some people may find useful or (I hope) at least thought provoking. This is a greatly expanded version of an answer I gave to a question. I submitted it as a myTake to make it easier for people to find as a reference.

My theory is: Whether a man loves to be the pursuer or not (and to what degree) is proportional to how they feel about themselves. If a man is very self assured then he doesn't need a woman to validate his sense of self esteem and chasing a woman and trying to prove his worth to her makes for a good time. Conversely, if a man isn't very sure of himself and his attractiveness then a woman's approval becomes more important to him because it serves as proof to himself of his self worth and masculinity and "the chase" looks like a tedious and pointless exercise. After all, how can you chase someone in the hopes of proving you're the real deal when you're not convinced yourself?

The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy

The role of the man as the pursuer transcends culture and nationality (as far as I know) just as what men prefer in a woman does and there's probably a reason for that. I think that the reason for that is biological and not cultural. It's an innate part of the female psyche: for the "knight in shining armor" to come and sweep her off her feet is part of the female fantasy and I would argue that this fantasy begets our societal norms and not the other way around.

I used to have a beef with women in general for that (having men do all the work of courting) but it's something I've let go of and accepted long ago. It's part of being human and not an obsolete societal custom so I can't fault them for not going against millions of years of evolution and denying their basic instincts. But being the pursuer is easier said than done if you don't know what women think about you. After years of reading I still don't really know what qualities in men that attracts women. Certainly confidence and a masculine aura are a significant part but those things are much harder to quantify than the qualities that attract me to a woman. Unless you naturally possess these qualities there is kind of sense of flying blind, though. That is, if you're not downright introverted.

Although we aren't as expressive of it and we like to put on a tough face, the average man deals with many of the same insecurities as the average woman. I get the feeling that women are told or naturally come to believe that if a man is interested in her, he will pursue her. But often I've found both first and second hand that that isn't always the case. And when a woman grows up to find men gazing at her but not chasing her I would guess that would then be a great source of confusion for her. Then she comes on this site and asks "Why does he stare?". Yet, judging by the amount of questions I see on here about it, shy guys are not unattractive.

The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy
So what does all that mumbo-jumbo mean if you're a woman? It means that you may need to adapt your approach to attracting the man you desire depending on his personality. If he's the cocky alpha male type then he may love it when you play hard to get. In that case you can drop hints, use body language and subtly attract him and count on him to take things forward. If he's not you might have to put in some effort.

Usually a shy guy will not chase you. At least not at first. This should not reflexively be taken as a sign of disinterest. His eyes aren't fixated on you all the time because he's overcome with ambivalence. The more introverted he is, the less likely your usual style of flirting will provoke their intended response and you'll have to ratchet it up accordingly. Now that doesn't mean the roles are reversed and you're now the man, but it does mean you'll have to be a bit bolder. You'll probably need to be the one to break the ice and make some idle chit-chat. Instead of appearing disinterested to provoke chasing you may need to adopt a more warm, inviting persona. Smile at him, use a sweeter tone of voice, act playfully, use open body language (arms uncrossed, slightly leaning forward, etc...).

For the average guy just being bold enough to approach him and acting really friendly towards him should be enough to get the ball rolling. But what if he's really inhibited?

Have you ever had someone you didn't know just start talking to you and over time (meaning days, weeks, maybe a couple months not hours) your comfort level rose enough that you just became friends. It's sort of like that. It's difficult to describe. I guess you can say that if you want to be a shy guy's girlfriend - just be his girlfriend. Act as if all the flirting were already done and you're a couple (not all at once). There's an empty space where his girlfriend should but he hasn't found someone to put there so just walk right in and make yourself at home. Take his staring as a tacit "I want you more than anyone in the world" which is pretty much what it is. The eyes are a dead give away. You're not going to get rejected.

The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy

I get the feeling that dating for women is kind of like fishing. You make yourself the nice shiny lure, you cast yourself in and you wait for a bite. It's passive and it's easy but if you want a certain fish to bite and he doesn't you don't catch it. So you can fish for a really confident guy but for that average or introverted guy that catches your eye you might have to do a little hunting too. Which is okay. As a man I don't know if such an approach feels limiting to a woman but if you want someone there's nothing wrong with flipping the bird to the societal norm and going and getting them yourself.

Sometimes we get lucky in life and good things come to us, but sometimes you have to reach out and take them too or else they float away. In a modern, egalitarian society I think it should be socially acceptable for both men and women to chase the object of their desire or not to. As equal beings women should feel free to take matters into their own hands and be strong and bold if they want to.

The only thing that still eludes me is how big a part that this fantasy of having men chasing them plays in a woman's attraction. As a heterosexual male I've never felt those kind of feelings and I have no idea if what I said above would cause a woman no longer to desire that person. If a woman were to flirt in an obvious way to a man and having him not respond at the same time knowing that he wants to would that kill the mood for her. I have no idea.

So that's my theory. Whether it's right or useful I leave to you. What I wanted to do was to delve into the male mind a bit so you women can see things from a different angle. Since I see so many questions about shy guys and the chase I wanted to put my thoughts down in a long and concise post. I'm personally fascinated by the inner workings of women's minds and I think women are the same way so I thought I'd share a view through my eyes.

The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy

Personally I don't like the chase, but I don't think I'm unattractive either. I have a lot of qualities that I think women would love in a guy. I'm somewhere in between, I'm not down on myself but I don't have a huge ego either. I don't approach girls very often, I admit, but I'm not looking for the woman to be the man either. Truth to tell, I've never had a girlfriend yet.

It's not something I'm depressed or desperate about and I won't go into details about my life in an attempt to explain why. But it's something I haven't done before. I'm inexperienced and I just don't know how these interactions are supposed to work but I know that once it happens and I experience it for myself then I'll understand. Then I'll have the confidence I need to chase. Some guys are like that, they just need a girl to get them over that first hurdle.

Then they can run the rest of the race.

The Chase Theory and the Psychology of the Shy Guy
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